Angel From Montgomery

Thats amazing Joan. Well done. We are only ever as shameful as the secrets we keep

Thanks Dan. Definitely. Secrets fester over time..

Diary:

Now that I have takenthe goggles off, taken the security blankie away. Taken away the drug. I find myself in a nowhere to run nowhere to hide state of mind. Left to feel everything. Just me and my mess. It's not as bad as it sounds. It's like sitting in the middle of a pile of unorganized stuff. It's not all junk. It's my mental hoard. Inventory time. Rifling through the piles of S***e and realizing that holding onto everything has left me feeling like I want to run away from myself. It's funny because outside of my skin I am one of the most organized people you will ever meet. So, another big secret I keep is that my inner environment is a mess! Outwardly, I am tidy, and industrious. Inside I am lazy and a mess. Ha ha.. Yikes. Balance. That old chestnut. Well, here we go again. When the hyperinflatied ego begins to shrink. A miracle takes place. The addict that's me finds humility. Humilty enables the addict that's me to look, really look, at myself. The truth does hurt, but it also does set us free. Freedom to breathe. All of this breathing and pausing I did amounted to nothing. It was all surface exercise. I have learned to project the perfect image because I'm smart. I get it. But, I don't always practice what I preach. Ughhhhh... Balance balance. I need room to breathe. My heart and mind. My inner world is cluttered with stuff. I bet if I let go of some of this emotional weight that I wouldn't be so fat on the outside. I am mind, body, and spirit. I'm way out of balance.. So in some ways I'm a pretty sick cookie but, I feel better now about getting better and about how to go about it. Another secret: as an addict I have always been desperately afraid of getting better.

More:

Sifting through the clutter I am finding loads of roached out resentments. Some of these " treasures" date back to my childhood ffs! Keep, donate, or toss. It's time to toss!! I have old rotten trunks with heavy chains and brass locks on them. Inside are memories that I have labeled as baaaaaad. Keep, donate or toss? Not that easy because some of these may have been mislabeled. So, maybe take my time with those trunks.. Boxes of what I have labeled as past failures. Again, some of this stuff still serves me quite well. Some of my past failures have served as seeds of wisdom.. It's really not that bad walking around in my attic... Nothing to be afraid of really. My apologies to folks possibly cringe ing about now. This exercise might seem a little weird. For me it's cathartic. Resentments are a complete waste of energy and space. Memories don't need to be labeled at all. At this time that is all they are. Just memories. I have a choice. So, as Barbara Streisand once sang.... " so, it's the laughter that we will remember whenever we remember..." Ha ha.. Seriously, it's a choice. Past failures. I'm gonna keep those too because that's how I learn. Addiction, like my own hyperinflated ego keeps me down. Keeps me trapped in darkness. There is a whole world out there and I am not alone. Alanis Morrisette sang "the moment I jumped off of it was the moment I touched down" Thank You, clarity!!

So...

Maybe it's not a matter of a complete mind sweep. Maybe I just need to lift some shades to let a little light in. Maybe it's time to break the locks and open up the boxes. It's all just me now. Not so bad being here inside of my own head. Not so terrible afterall.

Diary:

The intention of this post is to pass along a positive vibe to the GC community. May we all find the peace and clarity we need in order to take back our lives from the clutches of this soul sucking life destroying addiction.

-joanxx

Morning Diary:

Looks like I will be coming up to an anniversary soon. I started this diary on July 23rd 2012. Almost four years ago. I have met many amazing people on here and have made a friend or two. A lot of folks come along and a lot of folks drift away. That's life I suppose. I learned a long time ago that a person has to be comfortable inside of their own skin before attempting relationships with others. A person can always run but, can never hide from themselves. I've been to a few places. The one person I could always depend on "being there" was me. Ha ha. Sitting in this rocker looking out of the window over the busy corner, watching the cars whizzing by and typing on this device ( as they are called these days) I'm not afraid of the aloneness. Fortunately I have never known loneliness. I have a few friendships that go back 40 years. I don't have 500 "friends" on my Facebook. Ha ha ha... I don't quite understand Facebook. Anyway, the point of these early morning rambles are to release any pent up thoughts. Several years ago a psychiatrist gave me a book called The Artist's Way. There was an exercise for writers experiencing writer's block. The author said to write whatever came to your mind. Just let the words come out. No editing. Just free style or writing down anything that pops into your mind. Gambling as a subject comes up when I come here. That's not a bad thing. I come here purposefully to remind myself. Complacency sets in otherwise. Coming here for me might also be like saying morning and evening prayers. Ritual... Let the day begin..

More thoughts..

Just read back my rambling post and thought to myself. I've never known loneliness? That's a load of horse s h -/;t. Some of my loneliest moments were in addiction. The irony here is my original thoughts were about complacency. How easy it is to forget how lonely I am when in addiction. When I was drinking hard I put myself in harms way and probably should have died a couple of times. After a gambling stint riding home one night with P I actually considered opening the car door and hurling myself into the pavement. I wanted to die I felt so desperate and alone. My prideful mind would like to think that it/I have never known loneliness. Ha ha on the contrary....

Soo.. I guess I'm finding myself a little lonely on here lately. There, now that wasn't so bad. I'm such a seasoned bull s h I ::tter that I can lie to myself and believe it. Honesty is such a lonely word...

More thoughts:

I'm not worried about over thinking. When I was gambling on slots I spent a lot of time with my head straight up my own b**t... Never once asking myself am I over doing these slots?? Thinking with my brain actually feels good. So, I was thinking about the house I grew up in. I imagined myself standing in the hallway in the center of the house and imagined walking into my parent's room and even that closet where they used to hide the Christmas presents. It was alway cold in that closet because it wasn't insulated. That same hallway provided a segway to the one bathroom, our kitchen, the living room, the basement, the upstairs bedrooms, and of course my room. I was thinking about the original layout and about how much work my dad had put into it in order to make it ours. I never really thought about that. All the diy projects. None of it was perfect but, he did his best. He managed to move the stairs leading from the boys room into my room so that I could have some privacy. He built me a closet with a sliding door and put up a cork wall that I would eventually plaster with posters and all sorts of whatevers. That got me thinking about all of the good things he gave me over the years. He wasn't perfect. He was a man with many flaws. He had secrets too. At least that's what my mom told me. I was a fragile child. Some kids come with really thick skins. Not me. But, I also didn't come with an owners manual or sign that said fragile handle with care. He made some mistakes. Today, I think I can finally forgive him now. He tried. He really did...

Diary:

I learned a long time ago that the days will rack up whether I'm gambling or not. Life goes on with or without the gambling addict. (That's me). There are days when I wish I could slow down time. I can't believe that it's almost the middle of July. What happened to May and June?? When I'm stuck, whether it's anger, or grief, or fear, or I'm coming off of a gambling stint, time seems to go by so slowly. We used to talk a lot about like mindedness. Depending on how you look at it or where you stand at at any given time that could also mean misery loves company, or resemble a mob mentality. It's challenging to break away from the pack sometimes.

honesty

commitment

perspective

acceptance

balance

What I have learned thus far is:

gambling addicts ( that's me) cannot gamble because gambling addicts cannot stop.

The only way to stay stopped is to not start.

Find out what my triggers are? I like the phrase "dig deeper". Gambling addicts ( that's me) do not gamble for fun or for money. That's a lie.

I like this one too; recovery is possible!

I have come to my own understanding that mere abstinence is not recovery. That used to tick me off but, that's because i thought that meant abstinence was bad. Nope. Abstinence is good. Very good. But, it is not enough.

Digging deeper doesn't mean I must have some deep dark twisted secret from my horrible past. It means challenging myself to go beyond what appears on the surface. Strive for authenticity. Be honest with myself.

I need to stop using the phrase progress not perfection as a crutch. I might get pounced on for that one. Not being perfect is a fact but not an excuse to relapse. It means I'm gonna get angry, maybe negative sometimes. I'm not a perfect person. But, I'm going to do my best and whatever it takes to not anchor myself in anger or resentment. Do whatever it takes to not leave negativity at someone else's door.

Lastly, I keep this diary for myself. Folks reading it can and will do whatever they want with these words. But, I must always be aware of my intentions. It's not a space to spew passive aggression. I have done that in the past and used this is my diary so, my rules, as a shield. It's a public forum. It does matter what I say and it is not my intention to hurt anyone. Practicing rigorous honestly really is a challenge. It's easier to point out flaws in others. Not so easy to see my own.

Sigh... I guess that's it for now. I can sit and write all day. But, I have an 81 year old ma upstairs who needs my care and attention...

Who would have thought that such a little organ (or brain/mind) could cause us so much grief!! Hope your ma is well:)

Joan.
Your diary kept me coming back. It still does.
Others may not thank you for that. But i do. Insight, honesty, authenticity . Your words always make me think, not always agree, but i like to not hear the generic like me at all costs diaries that abound.

Thanks for popping in folks. Comments, shares, and support always appreciated!

Diary:

After paying off all of our debt I just got smacked in the puss with a 50pt drop in my credit score. Ha ha ha.. And so it goes... The initial shock has worn off. Frankly, at this stage in my life I am beginning to see "credit" and banks for what they are. Scams. It's pretty simple. Work. Get paid. Try to make sound choices. There's a balance between being a tight fisted miser and a spend thrift. We will get by. Transcockadoodee or whatever their name is, can go pound sand. The bills are paid and that's a good thing. It's going to take some time to get right with our relationship with money. For a long time we just P****d it away on slots. It would take some nerve getting my undies in a twist because of a credit score dip. This is all just residual fallout from gambling. I'm looking forward to the weekend. I'm looking forward to work next week. Christ, I'm looking forward, which is so much healthier than dread. There is no cure for addiction. Today, I'm ok with that. The road I'm on has no end. No finish line. The number of miles I have travelled for me, is irrelevant. Today, I'm ok with that too. My load is much lighter these days. What matters is that I am a happy traveller. At least for now. Why am I happy today? I feel free. For the first time in a very long time I feel good on a Thursday. That may not mean anything to anybody else but, it is a huge accomplishment for me. I'm looking forward..

judy wrote:

Thanks for popping in folks. Comments, shares, and support always appreciated!

Diary:

After paying off all of our debt I just got smacked in the puss with a 50pt drop in my credit score. Ha ha ha.. And so it goes... The initial shock has worn off. Frankly, at this stage in my life I am beginning to see "credit" and banks for what they are. Scams. It's pretty simple. Work. Get paid. Try to make sound choices. There's a balance between being a tight fisted miser and a spend thrift. We will get by. Transcockadoodee or whatever their name is, can go pound sand. The bills are paid and that's a good thing. It's going to take some time to get right with our relationship with money. For a long time we just P****d it away on slots. It would take some nerve getting my undies in a twist because of a credit score dip. This is all just residual fallout from gambling. I'm looking forward to the weekend. I'm looking forward to work next week. Christ, I'm looking forward, which is so much healthier than dread. There is no cure for addiction. Today, I'm ok with that. The road I'm on has no end. No finish line. The number of miles I have travelled for me, is irrelevant. Today, I'm ok with that too. My load is much lighter these days. What matters is that I am a happy traveller. At least for now. Why am I happy today? I feel free. For the first time in a very long time I feel good on a Thursday. That may not mean anything to anybody else but, it is a huge accomplishment for me. I'm looking forward..

Hi Joan,

I second Dan's post. Keep working on your recovery. thanks for all the support on mine and other's diaries. tri x

Diary:

I got some time on my hands. Not worried about gambling. Just feeling idle. We have errands to run tomorrow. The house is clean enough. Had a nice visit with ma earlier. Am trying to spend more quality time with her. I asked P to pick us up a deck of cards... Lately, I've been feeling a little guilty spending so much time on here. I guess for me, this diary has been a part of my real world. I often share what I read and write with P. Maybe I'm feeling guilty about being idle. I don't know why. I'm entitled to a little R&R. Feels good to be able to sit and stare out the window or to write on my diary without nagging urges or anxiety cluttering up my brain. I don't even have the tube on as much these days. I used to always have it on for background noise. Earlier, I was trying to upset myself about a doctors appointment next week. I was hatching all kinds of excuses for why I should miss it. I have decided to go. Final answer. No more running away. More guilt I suppose for putting the weight back on that I lost a couple of years ago. I will get back to making healthier choices. I decided that I don't need that doctor's approval. I need to accept myself as is. Face the music come what may, and do what I need to do, in order to get healthier. It's not rocket science. See now, I got to get the dogs out and fed...