Angel From Montgomery

Morning Diary:

I write down these words today, for me. For my sanity. Something inside of me has changed. I want no part of gambling. I want to be forever done with it. I am far from any cure. As far as I know there is no cure. Some mornings I wake up feeling strange and scared. I look at my reflection in the mirror and I see an old lady staring back at me. I am no Hollywood 56. I am not one of those silver haired cougars flouncing around gayly batting away at a tennis ball in Palm Springs. I was born and raised in the Midwest. We didn't know we didn't have much because my mom knew how to stretch a dollar. We ate well but that's not saying much. Back then most of what we ate was floating in cream of mushroom soup. It was called a casserole but that's just another name for mystery meat covered in cream of mushroom soup. My dad busted his hump for every dollar earned. And every dollar went to something. There was rarely a time when there was any left over. What's the point? I dunno. Maybe, I just wanted to remind myself where I came from. No skippity doo dah little town. A city. I live in a city now but nowhere near the Midwest. I still bust my hump for every dollar earned. Some days I feel like I'm going under. Nothing skippity doo dah about my recovery journey so far either. Just something inside of me has changed. I just don't want the gambling life anymore. I'm gonna keep getting older ( I hope). And I m never going to be a Hollywood anyone.

"I am old woman. Named after my mother.

My old man is another child who's grown old.

If dreams were thunder, and lightning was desire. This old house would have burnt down a long time ago.

Make me an angel that flys from Montgomery. Make me a poster of an old rodeo. Just give me one thing that I can hold onto. To believe in this living is a hard way to go"....

Now, ain't that the truth.

Thank you for your post Sis
Keep using your diary for your own therapy, your thoughts are amazing and educational ☺

Peace to you and yours

S x

Thanks Sis.

Diary:

Looooooong day out in the real world 😀 Almost failed the vision test at the RMV. Thank God the woman behind the counter was decent. Had she not been, I would have not been granted a second chance and would have blown it for sure. We were told by the mechanic fixing our car that after 1800 dollars of work it still wouldn't pass emissions test; so, they need another 400 to fix it. The rub is there is no guarantee that the car will pass. That's about 2200.00 sunk into this little volkswagon so far and no promises that it will pass. Ha ha Funny thing is P and I used to throw that kind of cash around all the time. Twenty after twenty into the slots. Yup.. So, I'm not upset that car repairs can cost money. What I get aggravated about is how we are sometimes systematically porked by the big boys with bucks. The whole "emissions business" is one big scam. Most vehicles are designed these days with little "check the engine" lights that seem to pop on for no reason at all. I have had mechanics basically turn the little light off. If the little light is on at the time of the test the vehicle automatically fails an emissions test. w*f? I had the entire emissions system replaced! I guess in the scheme of things this is not the end of my world.... Just sayin... I'm certainly glad to be back home. All safe and sound in my little bubble. Had enough fun in the real world for one day..

Morning Diary, RAMBLE ALERT

I was thinking a lot has changed since my very first post. I came to these diaries pretty much broken. Looking back, I did come here initially for company. A safe place to lick my wounds. I hung with folks who I knew would agree with me. We were decent "likeminded" folks. We had a lot of fun. I enjoyed the banter and the feeling of belonging. Every now and then someone would come along with strong differences of opinion and we would tisk tisk at them, and do our due diligence to the power of the triangle, GA, and complete abstinence. I think at one point I had my day counter up to 15 weeks before I relapsed. After that, it was up and down for a very long time. I went through a period of despising the casino bosses. I blamed them for taking advantage of me. I blamed them for why I couldn't stop. I still think they are bottom feeding predatory slime bags but, they are no more responsible for my addiction than the man in the moon. I came to reason that gambling was an unhealthy pastime but, I still wasn't ready to admit defeat. I remember rationalizing around complete abstinence. On some level I really believed I could control my gambling. I was in complete denial about how much debt we were in. We had a 33,000 dollar debt ffs, and yet, we justified gambling away what little we earned. I remember how jealous I was of folks who were able to rack up days. It was like watching a party from the other side of the window. My nose pressed up against the glass. Why them and not me? I secretly despised them and thought what a bunch of happy clappy zombies. I thought I was different. I was unique. My issues ran deeper. My wounds hurt more. I would spew venom in my posts. Back then the diary was viewed as a sanctuary. A personal space where one could pretty much say anything. For the most part folks did stay on their own diaries. Visiting other diaries was for the purpose of offering support. There were always "social" folks who liked to write on lots of diaries every day but, I suspect they got burnt out after awhile. It was common to see these folks drift away after a few months. At one point I discovered I might be a "lifer" on these pages. I guess I would rather still be here if the alternative is a casino. So, what has changed? Not much has changed on the diaries. But, I have changed. I now accept with heart, mind, body, and soul that gambling had broken me. To go back could be likened to willifully walking into a den of hungary lions. An act of suicide. The decision I had to make was right under my nose the whole time. "To be or not to be..." Why did I want to die? I suppose I thought on some level I wasn't worthy of a life that included prosperity, and joy. I was certain that I was destined for misery. I was certain that other folks could see this shame and that they hated me. I was the one who was hating me. I was both warden and prisoner. The bars that held me in were only shadows. So, along with knowing that gambling for me would be suicide I realized that I had the keys to my own prison the whole time. That freedom was a choice. Always looking for someone or something on the outside to blame I thought I had to forgive those who hurt me. It didn't occur to me that I was the one who needed forgiveness. So, that's where I'm at these days. Learning how to accept myself. Looking less from outside of myself and more inside of myself. Believing that it's my birthright to be accepted. To be invited. To not belong only on the outside looking in at others living lives. My birthright to be a participant A legitimate citizen of life. Stop blaming myself or feeling guilty for how society turns away and holds their nose Upon hearing of the return of the prodigal daughter. I'm taking back my power. I'm a free styling crone these days. And the words of today's song goes

"all of these lines upon my face. Tell you a story of who I am. So many stories of where I've been and how I got to where I am. But these stories don't mean anything if you got no one to tell them to...."

Time to get back to the world of errands and other petty aggravation. But I would take that over gambling any day.

Hi Joan and thanks for the comments and glad mine made you smile , I actually do have a green area just opposite the shop and your comment about " killing 2 birds " made me laugh as I was thinking of it in a slightly different way , perhaps killking those to birds and burying them under the grass , that would put an end to their Vegan ways ? , ( only kidding vegans ) :)).

It's just this crazy world sometimes just makes me think that there's far too much mamby pamby nonsense in it , still who am I too judge right from wrong with my track record eh ? , still think your signs a great Idea though :)).

Just looking at your last post and I think it is all about acceptance , if we can learn to accept totally who we are , where were from what we've done through life , good or bad and where were headed then we can come to terms with things far easier , it sort of frees you up to move on and not worry so much , we are what we are and thats about it .

We can't change anything about our past , so lets have a go at reshaping our future eh ? after all our futures spotless at the moment .

Really enjoying reading your posts at the moment , they've got a certain air of positivity about them again and that's always great to see .

Keep dodging the shi'te bricks Joan .

Best wishes to you and your's xx

It's like your diary has taken on a new life...Every post that comes tumbling out lately reinforces my learning about addiction & how much strength you have inside of you! Yup you have held the key all this time but holding it & using it are poles apart! Keep fighting your fears Joan! I may well be a lifer too but I'll take it over what came before - ODAAT

Thanks Al and K

Diary:

Neeeeeerrrrrrvvvvvousssss... I always flip out when transition from time off to work happens. P is leaving to go to a conference on Tuesday morning and I'm freaking out about that too. Guhhhh... I wasn't going to write but then figured why not? Maybe it might help to get it all out. This s**t in my head. No gambling. No urges at this time. I just wish I wasn't such a nervous Nellie....

Nervous Nellie , was that one of the Waltons ?

Night John boy , Jason , Ben , Erin , Mary Ellin , Jim Bob, Elizabeth , John snr ,Olivia and Nellie ?

Night Joan :))

Morning,

Are the nerves because you don't feel that you can depend on yourself, that you need someone else to validate and reassure you and if so, why is that?

I think that self reliance is v important, absolutely not a substitute for relationships with other people but the underlying knowledge that you can manage, that you yourself are enough, good enough.

You're quite capable of staying gf by yourself, for yourself, just keep making the right choices.

BW,

CW

Thanks Al! Ha ha I think Nellie was on Liftle House! She was the mean girl! Ha ha

Diary:

Food for thought CW... I'm ok on my own I suppose. P and I have come to rely on eachother like most couples. My anxiety levels may seem higher because I am no longer numbing myself with gambling? I think I have always had a low grade OCD. These obsessive thoughts can be quite unrelenting and intrusive at times. They are not always about the same thing. Today it's about P flying on a plane. I could just as easily be freaking out about our old boiler or a mole on my arm. Our culture (western) tends to rely heavily on chemicals (medications). When I brought the issue up to my doctor she suggested I take a pill. I was thinking of an alternative like acupuncture. Sometimes I think all I need is to learn how to relax. To trust outside of myself. My borders were crossed and my country was seized by a foreign invader at a time when I was just learning about trust. I have learned that It takes a lifetime to reclaim one's sense of identity and faith in others when ones very core has been shaken up. I'm not sure if I'm explaining this very well.. My survival up to this point was basically me relying on myself. I have had this armor wrapped around me for as long as I can remember. The problem for me is learning that I cannot control everything. Sometimes s**t just happens and it happens to everybody. Worrying about things that I can't control or fix before they even happen is exhausting and a waste of time. Coming on here and coming clean about my nervousness is me consciously/mindfully hitting the pause button instead of mindlessly reaching for something to distract or numb myself with -- alcohol, food, gambling on slots...

Diary:

Just sayin, I'm sat here waiting for my trainees to arrive and I have the theme song from Big Bang Theory playing over in my head. I'm sure there aren't any dark mental implications.. I'm just generically cookoo.. 😀

Diary:

Looooooong day. Came home and was told ma's chairlift is busted. It appears that we are being invaded by mice. Yup, we're livin the dream. Could be a lot worse so I'm gonna accept this sh I ..t shower with a shrug and a grin. Thank you! If that's it, then I came out ahead today. God bless and keep all of the family and friends of the latest victims of all of the senseless violence that seems to be plaguing our world at this time. No gambling urges. Just chillin with the mice. 😀

Diary:

Dragging. Won't gamble. Don't want to. Just feeling blah..

How are the chairlift and the mice?

Ha ha CW, well, the chair is still broken and as for the mice? I haven't seen any more but, am keeping cautiously optimistic.

Diary:

Got up at a*s o'clock and managed to get into work super early. Checked in with P via text. She's safe and doing her "work thing". Ma is managing without her lift. She needed it when she threw her hip out. She says she's fine and I believe she is safe for now but we will need to get someone out from the company to fix it as soon as we have 2 nickels to rub together. Funny how we always managed to have money to burn. That's because it was the bank's money. Today, it's cash on the barrel. I'm not owing those greedy b******s - not if I can help it. My mind is quiet. I don't know if I would use the word serene but, not racing. I will take that. Thank you! I'm a little lonesome without P but, my work and caring for ma and the pets keeps me busy. It's hard avoiding the news on tv lately but Inthink for the sake of my sanity I'm going to have to. All this talk about Donald Trump is getting on my nerves. I think folks here in the US have gone nuts. Or, maybe the working poor is getting tired of making peanuts or losing their jobs altogether.. I know it's not healthy to bury my head in the sand but for me this is a serenity prayer kind of moment. I can't fix the world... I've got my hands full right here and now In my little bubble. My trainees will be arriving soon for Day 2. One more day and another training done and gone.