Angel From Montgomery

Diary:

I'm sure I've mentioned this before .. Not a fan of Facebook but the adds for gambling are so f****n intrusive! Same thing with my email account. At least 3 adds a day. The tobacco industry and the alcohol industry don't innundate my space with adds. These casinos are bottom feeders. They really are. Rant over. The nuns taught me that "God loves a cheerful giver."Ha ha... So bring it on bc I'm gonna give it all I got!!! Yahooooooooo!!!!!

Hey Joan , I'm sure even Nuns have dirty "Habits " sometimes ? ( sorry couldn't resist and I'm probably self excluded from Heaven along with the bookies anyway ) :))

Have a great Day xx

Phew !! I always worry I've overstepped the mark when I I get my overseas mail returned so quickly LOL !

Heavens , where or what you want it to be , at the moment I'm in heaven because like your goodself I've not gambled for quite a while and that'll do just fine for now !

Stay safe Joan xx

Lol Alan..no worries, I seem to be a warmer and fuzzier me these days.

Diary:

It was my intention to get up bright and early. Grab my first cup of joe then take the dogs out. The larger of the two needed some grooming ( I won't be graphic) so, after a good scrub I went on the hunt for his brush. What did I find???? Mouse droppings. Son-of- a -b***h!! So, dragged everything out of said corner and decided what these furry vermin were after is bird seed!! Turns out P has been tossing, whatever Parry, our "lovie" doesn't eat, right onto the grass in the yard. We probably have every field mouse in the area dining on gourmet bird seeds. My hope is that a hawk or two nesting in the nearby treetops that circle the lake lake from across the street sniff out the mice and help us thin out the surplus population. P is in Canada at a conference into tomorrow evening. When she gets back we are gonna have a come to Jesus about feeding all of the creatures great and small. It is clear they are after one thing. Bird seed!! Too bad I'm allergic to cats. I would have one patrolling the house by now.. Although that would be quite the cluster f o o k with the two dogs I suppose.... Still it's turned out to be a beauty of a day. I have nothing on the agenda accept the usual day to day. Nothing and no one to chase after. I'm not on the clock. Got the airconditioners cranked because it's supposed to be a sizzler today. Addiction? Yes, that.. Well, I'm still wound up pretty tightly but, that's to be expected. What I've noticed is that I am able to de -escalate much quicker. When I get anxious I talk about it. When I get frustrated I grumble but, do not seem to anchor myself in pissativity like I used to. It was mostly out of habit to stay angry at God and the world. To hold onto it. It was safe. So I almost welcomed petty aggrevations as a means to invite anger inside. I was more comfortable with anger. I had come to expect disappointment. One can always find the negative if one looks for it.

I'm never going to be Norman Vincent Peale (spelling?) ffs, but, I'm not going to wrap myself up in misery like a blanket either. I'm going to make an effort to look for the silver lining. Attract and invite peace in instead. Had our dog Scout, not been covered in poo this morning I would not have stumbled upon Mickey Mouse central. Now I know what they are after. I'm on those little seed thieves like white on rice! 😀

Diary:

I remember Sundays back when I was a kid. I would get up before anyone else. Turn the cold water on the sink and fill the electric percolator up to the line that read 9 cups. Then I would fill the basket with ground coffee. 2-4-6-8 scoops, and as my mom taught me, "one more for the pot". Plug it in and voila! About 15 minutes later my parents would get up. They would sit together at the kitchen table and read the Sunday paper. By 10:30am we would all be shuttled to church. By 11:30 we would be back at home. Strip out of our Church clothes and sit around the table while dad cooked us breakfast - lunch ( in our house we never called it brunch ). Pancakes, sausages, eggs sunnyside up or scrambled. Whatever we wanted he cooked. Table cleared dishes done. Everyone sort of scattered. By about 1:00pm my dad would eventually find his way to the liquor store where he would purchase 3 quarts of Drewry's Draft beer. Once home he would strip down to his boxers and sit in his chair and drink that beer. One foamy glass after the other until he was as you say "pi s ..ed." My dad was a completely different person when he was loaded. Just like I am when I get drunk or gamble. In addiction we addicts think we can disappear and live in secret, in some parallel universe. The truth is, I was still right there. He just somehow, no longer saw me as me. I believe this is how he could say or do things that may have been considered no -- were lewd and lascivious. Period. In addiction we are not all like the love able character Otis on The Andy Griffith Show - whistle along if you know the tune. No. Some of us become people we never thought we would or could become. Somebody wrote, I think it was ODAAT. She said we are not bad people we just make bad choices. I would go along with that. It took me a long time. Almost a lifetime to finally forgive my father for being flawed. For being an addict. For making bad choices while in addiction. He died when he was only 50 years old. I think it might have been his secrets that killed him. That world of intention that we all live in. Nobody knows but us. Why we do or say or act as we do. The inside has to match the outside or we go nuts I suppose. The rigorous honesty that 12 step programs asks members to practice is Something I think that could benefit addicts and non addicts alike. What exactly are my intentions? How open, clean, or light is my heart today? Can I forgive myself so that I can move on. Can I accept myself, and others as imperfect beings? Today is Sunday. My dad is long gone. The past is in the past. But, I forgive him. And now, I'm free to remember his smile. His voice when he sang. The way he made pancakes. He died before we had a chance to make amends. He died with his secrets. I hope he knows I'm not angry anymore...

Diary:

Good grief what's playing out in American politics is driving me nuts. I try not paying attention but it's a train wreck that I can't stop staring at. What the hell is going on in this world of ours??? That's it. I just needed a place to vent. No hiding in casinos anymore. No planting my head in the sand. The song Feeeeeeeeelings, nothing more than feeeeeeeeelings... Guhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

I try and not watch 24 hour rolling news. Drives me up the wall. 🙂 thanks for the share of my diary. Most appreciated SIR Tri

The only thing the British had going for them was that we werent as dumb as you americans. We then lost those bragging rights with Brexit. But thankyou American public for handing it back with your support of Trump. You really couldnt make it up!

Ha ha Dan.. Yes, strrrrrannge days ahead for sure...

Diary:

Sunday. P came home safe and sound. I thank god. The stars. Kate Bush 😉 ( that's for you Rach wherever you are). I'm just relieved. Any time she flys I'm a basket case but, international travel these days is scary. FEAR -fight it, or run for your life. Doesn't matter which one I choose. If anchored in fear it's either an endless battle that I can never win, or that secret world where I will die believing I am safe perhaps, but very stunted, and very alone, and no doubt, still very afraid. What then to do with fear and how does one face it? How does one conquer a fear? Hell, if I know. I'm just thinking out loud. I've noticed that where there are high emotions and closed minds that fear is very close by. We know that people do irrational things, hateful things when they are afraid. If I had 10+ years of sobriety, I might be afraid to come onto this forum. Into these threads. There is nothing more irrational and fearful than a gambling addict who is still in addiction but doesn't know it. Dan, you are either brave,or crazy. Maybe a little of both? Today, I know I'm a gambling addict . I no longer fear gambling or the casino bosses. I'm not afraid of holding my own money, nor am I afraid of having time on my hands. I'm afraid of fear, if that makes any sense.... As a gambling addict I have done things that I'm ashamed of. But, when I really believed I was a gambling addict really accepted it I was free to go forward. My mind was opened again. It's those two words openness and acceptance. When I am being close minded, and arrogant, righteously indignant, fear is lurking about. Fear is one thing that keeps me in addiction. Fear has got to go.

Diary:

Thoughts about gambling popping up from what feels like out of nowhere today. No intention of acting upon them. I know full well that I cannot start because I won't stop. I just thought I would come here and put it down on my diary. I already told P and we talked it out. Otherwise, feeling safe inside the house. Dinner soon and some tv afterwards. Will try to stay away from network news. It's never good lately...

There is no one more irrational, fearful, argumentative, closed minded, angry, resentful, arrogant, mean spirited, defensive, passive aggressive, and just plain old aggressive, than an addict who doesn't know they are an addict.. I have been every one of those. I kept my same diary to remind myself that if I am quick to spot these behaviors in others it's time to look at the old lady in the mirror. I don't care if I rack up 10,000 days of no gambling. In the end it will be the weight of my heart that will matter. I don't want to leave this earth with a heavy heart. I am still working on taking guff and letting it go. Still working on understanding where it comes from and accepting the things or people I cannot and will never be able to change....

Diary:

The point of my little rant: once I really accepted I was a gambling addict the choice became clearer. To live or to die. I have never met an addict who lived or died for that matter, well...

Diary:

Unstructured days like today I find myself hitting the refresh button on my work email, Facebook, and the GamCare forums... I'm discovering that although better than gambling, I need to find something healthier? Is that the right word? Productive? Is that right? Huh.. Maybe I'm still trying to fill that space left over from where gambling used to be? It's hard to just be still. It's also hard some days to stay calm and balanced when cruising social medium. Why stir up a pot? Worse yet why willingly jump into a steaming pot? P and I are both off today. Maybe take in a matinee? The Secret Life of Pets? Hmmm Yes!! That will be just the thing!

The secret life of pets is truly great choice!
You know Sis, media can be as harmful as a bottle of Jack Daniels (why i chose this example i don't know lol). Sometimes hitting the pause button and looking around you is the only calm you can find. Here & now is what matters the most. You have so much to be thankful for, starting from yoursef - "I'm alive, healthy and just about to watch a great movie, claim the peace and harmony in the company of loved one, the world will still be turning around when i come bk to cyber space" ☺

Kind of thos lines, what ya think ☺ have a good laugh and enjoy!

S x

Lol Sis, my appetite for, and subsequent addiction to Mr.Jack Daniels makes dallying in cyberspace seem like a Girl Scout Jamboree. Maybe I'm just getting to the end of my need to spill my blood and guts all over these pages. Maybe I am starting to wonder what the point has been all along. I did go out with P to see that movie. It was good to get out especially since every cell in my being wanted to stay curled up on the couch in my sweat pants tapping the refresh button. Do you accept me?? Can you accept me?? Do you approve?? Am I right?? I'm the one this has always been about. Me accepting me. Me approving of me. I have always maintained that people will do whatever they want with the words I have written here. I need a break. Maybe 90 days away from the diary? Maybe...