Angel From Montgomery

Heh heh..not so fast gal, you're not going anywhere until you finish the challenge! :-P..we're nearly half way through 🙂

Yup..watched the movie few weeks ago...somehow must of been moody cow cause fail to drop off my seat as my sis and nephew did :-))))

It's all about balance girl. Everything needs balance. You need to keep doing what works for you & i see that your let outs and thoughts on here helps you in some way ☺...don't ditch us just yet 😉

Yo Sis, I will definitely finish the challenge! 😀 As for any future blood letting on the 'ol diary? I don't know.. Maybe I will just weave between the threads like a ghost -- that seems to work for folks who don't like the risks that come with writing on their own pages...Maybe, I just have nothing left to say... Maybe I'm just in a mood... But, will definitely finish out the challenge pal. Thanks for caring!

Diary:

Denial. The state of mind I'm in where I am not even aware that I am BSing. Unconsciously laying the groundwork for the next episode of self sabotage. Sigh... If cycles seem never ending its because they are. Maybe a step in the right direction for me is knowing when I am BSing myself. Writing in this diary always has been and always will be therapy for me. It's at the risk of sounding cliche', my Fight Song. It's been a hard week. An uphill battle. Strong urges only the tip of the iceberg. Gambling is no longer an option. Starting in spite of knowing that would be making a choice that could wind up not only bankrupting us, but killing the trust, the friendship, and love between us. The very thing that makes us, US. When P and I were gambling together we didn't squabble about money. We knew we were poor, but, while gambling we felt rich and carefree. Like any drug the high would wear off and we wound up seeking higher and higher doses until getting enough money together to gamble with was all we seemed to live for. I'm not in a place yet where I feel happy about not gambling. I feel relieved. I feel sober. My mind is clearer. But, the walk ahead of me lately feels daunting. The old familiar habit of sticking my head in the sand is tempting me. Taunting me. Getting angry and wanting to burn my journal is a symptom. Gambling is something P and I did together. There is a space between us where gambling used to be. I'm staring into it and I see denial, neglect, and disrepair. Broken bodies. Old cars. An ancient boiler. We almost sent ourselves into financial ruin. We are now just seeing the aftermath of what we did to ourselves together. There is a nurse coming to visit ma. Routine type thing. I was in a tailspin about the house. I thought I could maybe scrub it all down. P was out at shop with one of the cars. 2400 dollars later and the "check the engine light" is still on. P gets home and I lay into her about finances. About her job. I caught myself and wondered what brand of a-s-s hat am I, to now swing the other way about the value of money when I was the one who so easily tossed it away into slots. P is more codependent. She doesn't feel the strong urges I feel but, she might have gotten addicted to the carefree spirit I appeared to be while in a gambling haze. Up to this point my relationship has been a taboo subject. I feared that the mere mention of it being in some degree of disrepair might cause some kind of internal explosion. It's a secret. Ha ha .. But, it's only a secret I keep from me. Everybody knows that relationships suffer because of addiction. Denial... One good thing about finally waking up is that I know what to do now. I know what direction to move in. I know that all is not lost. Thank God!

To the point: all of the scrubbing on the surface: " out, out, d**n spot" isn't gonna fix what's broken between me and P and this poor old house. Patience..

Diary:

Today, I imagine myself walking in silence amidst the smoldering wreckage. Assessing the damages. Feeling relieved that what's most important to me is still salvageable. I haven't gambled for many days, or maybe, it's been a few months now, who knows? I have been here before. I have been an addict all of my life. In and out of recovery I suppose. My armor is battered. Lots of lines on this old face. I have learned that some of my grandest moments are like the one I had the other day when I caught myself in a lie. I have clawed my way through countless layers, veneers, and guilded surfaces. Maybe, I am finally now, just scratching at the surface of authenticity. Just like the song goes it's not a victory march. "It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah". Can't accept myself, let alone love myself, as they say, warts and all; if I don't really know myself first. Denial has to be one of the deepest and darkest of all layers.

Diary,

If not for a gentle nudge from Rach, I probably would have have left you in the dust..I'm still plodding along but, time on here may be winding down. P and I are working on filling that space left between us that we allowed slot machines to occupy for far too long. I suppose the term soulmate is over used these days but, I believe that in our cases that we trully are soul mates. In spite of it all, we still manage to grow closer together. Partners in love, life, and crime. For one thing, we are talking more. When we were gambling we would go to the casinos together but spit up once we got there. Then, the long car ride home in raging silence. We have a long way to go when it comes to taking better care of ourselves. But, to our credit, we have come a very long way. No day counters. No broken triangles. No clubs. True. I'm not a joiner, and I'm not too keen on doling out advice. I'm more of a don't tell me how, show me how, kind of gal. The folks that matter are all around me. I believe that even those who have passed aren't that far away. I have always been lucky that way. It really grieves me to read about folks who don't have folks, I guess. Moving away from this diary for me, may be a sign of improvement. Sometimes I wonder if some folks may have found me more interesting while I was in addiction. Ha ha ha.. Yeah, well.. and so it goes..... Time for work.

judy wrote:

Diary:

Unstructured days like today I find myself hitting the refresh button on my work email, Facebook, and the GamCare forums... I'm discovering that although better than gambling, I need to find something healthier? Is that the right word? Productive? Is that right? Huh.. Maybe I'm still trying to fill that space left over from where gambling used to be? It's hard to just be still. It's also hard some days to stay calm and balanced when cruising social medium. Why stir up a pot? Worse yet why willingly jump into a steaming pot? P and I are both off today. Maybe take in a matinee? The Secret Life of Pets? Hmmm Yes!! That will be just the thing!

Wow so I'm not the only one sitting hitting refresh on emails, facebook, gamcare forum. You are so right Judy, that void when gambling would have occured. I too have been thinking of much more healthier productive things to do; the garden, wash the car, go for walk, to the park anything. I guess it's all about breaking habits and forcing something else upon us. Oh and I haven't seen secret life of pets. LOL. x

I'll take that pat on the back with relish...Give me a heartfelt 'homemade' gift over sparkly jewels everyday 🙂

Hopefully I've caught you before you let the dust settle on the cover of this 'masterpiece'...It has been an absolute privilege to watch you emerge from your cocoon & I hope that if you are indeed closing the book that you pop back from time to time, to dust off the cobwebs & give us an update!

Diary:

Yes, I suppose I waffle on about dumping the diary. I think I have been going through changes, or stages, or maybe I have needed to shed or shake off a layer or two. What I find these days is that I simply enjoy journaling. I will never forget the friends I have made on here and will be eternally grateful to a few. For me, this diary is, and will always be my lifeline. A place to go when I need to get away from my three dimensional life. I have to admit, I do miss some folks I used to write to regularly when I first signed onto the forum. It's been four long years since any of you have graced these pages. And I do miss you. Such is life though...

So, on with today: today would have been Ed's 58th birthday. Today, I can say his name, whisper the word August, close my eyes, and smile to myself. Remembering, is not the punch in the heart it once was. Time does heal. Life teaches me to trust. Time teaches me to let go. Love is immortal and therefore never gets old or sick tired or sad or addicted. It can never die. This gamble free day is for you, Ed, wherever you are and the freckle faced Eddy I grew up with. You were much more than your pain and your disease. You were much much more. You were, and will always be, loved.

Diary:

Pushing through a difficult day. Urges coming and going. The last thing we need is to paint ourselves into a corner financially. Everybody lives and deals in an adult world. Maybe some get more than their fair share of grief but, gambling on slots has never solved a d**n thing and it never will. Have to just keep feeding the right wolf today. Yikes..

Addiction loves the turmoil very true Judy. Keep sharing and accepting the support. You've never alone when you do that. Tri

Yes, thanks, Tri.

Diary:

We got through the worst of it. Today should be as they say done and dusted. Whew! We will find a movie to watch and hunker down for the rest of the night. Temptation is all around. There is no such thing as a taste. Not for us. Once we start its all downhill and fast..

Morning Diary:

Take the dogs out. Make mom her breakfast. Move the plants out of the direct sun. Take the cover off the birdcage. Sing parry a god morning song.. Ha ha I was just thinking about that post from Dan the other day. I had described myself as a perfectionist carer martyr (from hell) and I can see it some days. How I wear my a*s out before I have my first cup of coffee. Lower middle class people and poor people don't get to moan about being busy. About working hard. This work ethic is instilled in some of us from the moment we could talk. Stop crying. Shake it off. There's no such thing as a free lunch. Even my loving Gram who used to slip me a fiver every birthday put my birth certificate inside of my birthday card on my 15th birthday with a note that said "get a job". All the while the nuns at school sang " God loves a cheerful giver". Being born female I suppose was strrrrrike three!! Yes, I give, I do do do. I take care of and beg For God's forgiveness when I did it without a smile on my heart. Everybody knows that God looks for smiling hearts. We don't like to talk about the poor class in this country. So nasty. Umm a lot of us are poor now. I'm reading that many of us will become poorer. Debbie Downer today?? Don't read on if this sort of talk upsets you. Me? I need somewhere to offload my anger and my fear. For me this is the place. Do I think gambling is a viable way to make more money faster? I did about 14 years ago. Today I certainly know better. There are days when the caregiving and the grinding are just too much! I turn on the tv and I see Hollywood images of how other folks are living and although I have learned how to see through most of the BS we are fed on a daily basis I still get that unsettled feeling inside. There has to be more to this life than just the daily grind.

"Well, there's flys in the kitchen. I can hear 'em their buzzin. And, I ain't done nuthin since I woke up today. How the hell can a person go to work in the mornin and come home in the evening and have nothing to say. Make me an angel..."

Some days I want to just scream give me something real to hold onto. Something that isn't just another big load of b oolsh:::t. I know I have a lot to be grateful for. The nuns were big on that too. And I am grateful. But some days I'm just finding myself wanting more than this physical world. something to hold onto.

Diary:

Had a read around the forum like I have done so many times over four years. We've had our differences. This year.. Ya know.... It doesn't really matter what I think about all this. Good luck everybody. Over and out.

2016 Chinese year of the monkey....

2016 Gamcare year of the disagreements.

Go with the monkey Joan, there smart and thoughtful just like the writer of this journal...