Angel From Montgomery

Urges to gamble and leaving the forum are a bad combination, unless you're moving from one support to a different support.

Look after yourself.

CW

Thanks Volcano. You are missed. CW you are right. I am in a very dangerous position. This forum has become a place I can no longer embrace. It is almost impossible to be an individual on here. There is a strong current - a social flow and anyone daring to swim against the current or what is perceived as the wrong direction either gets chastised or ignored. I feel like I have to say the right words or I might not make someone's list. If I am too negative I might upset someone's fragile equilibrium or be accused of sending them into a gambling spiral. I can't breathe on here. I feel like I have to become one of "us" or no one at all. I am an addict. I am not unique in that sense. Pretty run in the mill actually. Dan can predict all of my next moves. However, I am an individual. A whole person. There is more to me than my addictions. I need to find a place again where I can feel free to be myself. That used to be this place. I have an idea. Why not challenge yourselves to 90 day moratorium on Toads diary? I'm gutted today because I love journaling and will miss it. I don't need a mama, a papa, or sisters. One dysfunctional family to contend with is enough. I'm sorry to end on what feels like a sour note but, this diary is/was for me. If you don't like what I had to say - let it go.

Hai Joan,

Maybe time away is needed or indeed maybe time to go. It's your journal, your choice and you are indeed an individual.

The reason, ive always enjoyed reading your thoughts, is because, there Your thoughts and i can picture you tapping away and unloading exactly how you feel and not writing for others. A journal/ diary in the true sense.

You wrote a post back to Dan a while back, when he was also intending to leave. I can't remember the words but the upshot is, if your thoughts can help atleast one person, well, hip hip hoo ray. If your thoughts have the opposite and pi-sses someone of. Well, tough s***t! They are after all your thoughts, sent into cyber space and people can do what they want with them...

What matters Joan, is you!!

ps........ i didnt read any sour note, just Joan being Joan. A quality.

pps...... belated share, i hope its not https://youtu.be/7-0lV5qs1Qw on this diary

The reason i enjoy your journal mirrors Pauls words. Its honest , authentic, there are real thoughts & emotions on there without a hint of cliches. You certainly dont write for others & thats how it should be. By doing so, you will naturally get less replies than your diary warrents.
This isnt a criticism. Your diary, as much as I love it, is intimidating. It took me a few months here before i dared step foot on it! I thought o*g i darent even comment there incase she dismisses me! Thats me & im pretty confident in myself so i understand how newcommers may shy away.

The nonsense yesterday has caused perhaps irrepairable damage here but only if we all let it.
Its easy to walk away from things when they become difficult or not how we wish them to be. But growth & change can only occur through commitment to the bigger picture. There are times i wish to pick up my ball & walk away, but that would make me the man i used to be & I have no desire to meet him again.
I for one hope you stay Joan. This place is richer for your presence x

Thank you V. I have been holding onto some of this crud for far too long. Is it possible that a person can feel like they have somehow risen above addiction? This gives them the right to point out the flaws in another. Appoint oneself mom or dad? I no longer have the problem, but, who on earth will look after the "newbies"? I don't like that word, newbie, because that newbie might be in fact a very old soul. Nothing like a new soul calling an old soul a newbie. :-/ . I am actually experiencing a tension headache just writing today. If it's possible for an individual to run in a circlet then it must be possible for a misguided group to do the same thing. This group runs in circles. I too see a lot of opportunity for GC admin to step in but not as big brother ffs. There are more than enough of those in here. Sometimes it's hard to watch someone fall down but what's with the urgent need/desire to save, protect, defend, chastise, insult, ignore... There's nothing eating me.... I just like, really like, this forum. Maybe "the forum" for some becomes the new addiction? I must be thinking to much. Ouch! My brain hurts. I don't know... But, I'm not a newbie. I don't need to be saved. Right Volcano. I'm joan. Citizen joan. I'm never gonna have this sh ::it figured out. I'm gonna die trying though. Good for me!! Yay!!

Thank you V. I have been holding onto some of this crud for far too long. Is it possible that a person can feel like they have somehow risen above addiction? This gives them the right to point out the flaws in another. Appoint oneself mom or dad? I no longer have the problem, but, who on earth will look after the "newbies"? I don't like that word, newbie, because that newbie might be in fact a very old soul. Nothing like a new soul calling an old soul a newbie. :-/ . I am actually experiencing a tension headache just writing today. If it's possible for an individual to run in a circlet then it must be possible for a misguided group to do the same thing. This group runs in circles. I too see a lot of opportunity for GC admin to step in but not as big brother ffs. There are more than enough of those in here. Sometimes it's hard to watch someone fall down but what's with the urgent need/desire to save, protect, defend, chastise, insult, ignore... There's nothing eating me.... I just like, really like, this forum. Maybe "the forum" for some becomes the new addiction? I must be thinking to much. Ouch! My brain hurts. I don't know... But, I'm not a newbie. I don't need to be saved. Right Volcano. I'm joan. Citizen joan. I'm never gonna have this sh ::it figured out. I'm gonna die trying though. Good for me!! Yay!!

Spew it out Joan.......... Purge the S****e....

Anyway Citizen Joan............ A hello from our very own Citizen across tthe pond....... https://youtu.be/fMKsR_wUSfA

Power to the people....

Diary:

I'm home today. Can't seem to find something more constructive to do. Saw Tri's note. Wish I could get a handle on chat. I can't keep up with all of the conversations. Seems like a nice tool to help folks connect. Are addicts honest people? Hmm.. Addicts lie that's for sure. I know a lot of people who are not addicts that lie like rugs. Denial, rationalizations, manipulations, blame.. Addicts honest or dishonest? I wouldn't generalize but when I am in addiction I lie. I lie to myself. I lie to others about what I am up to. To hide from my guilt or shame. I lie to the folks I borrow from. I rationalize why I should be able to gamble. I blame the gaming industry for taking advantage of me. I blame dead people from my past. I lie. I have lied. I will no doubt lie again but, I wouldn't say I'm a liar. I'm more than that. I hope..

' there has to more to life than the daily grind '

Thats a thought i spend too much time on Joan, it is, i believe for myself, where i took the wrong fork in the road. Thinking about it rather than doing and getting caught up in addiction after addiction. It makes me think of a friend i met 10 or so years ago back, who lives with the locals in the tropics of s/e Asia. He's an old Irish traveller, a very strong character, who's classed as a village elder amongst the Laos and Hmong people. He lives for nature, loves the butterflies and giving back to his adopted country. He created an empire of bamboo cabins, amongst mountains, rivers and nature. His empire is his legacy to his Laos wife and 2 kids! Two things stand out what he's said to me, first was when he was sat on his porch, showed me his empty pockets, looked out at the wilderness and said thats what makes him truely happy, having nothing material, just nature and food in his stomach. The next one, was when he stayed with me in London, as he came to sell his last house, he'd just become half a mill £ 'richer' and yet he said he'd never been so stressed and needed to get back to his home and to what we'd percieve as nothing....He was living life by his rules, but giving as well and living to his values...The parody of life is we're getting more and striving for more, yet getting poorer in the process as we allow ourselves to get sucked up in the vacumn of what society says...... Life is a beach, but ours is what it is! I envied him, yet kinda new that his life wasn't for me but got stuck in the romance of it and allow myself to warch my life drift by. I believe we're products, allowing addictions and bitterness into our lives, just keeps us stuck,,,,, Denial is such a thick wall to break through, we've only got our best, but by doing our best every waking day, is a good enough start for any one.....

Not sure why i've shared that and no real moral....& is fairly hipocritical of me as i definitely dont practice my best with the conviction it deserves......

Diary:

Uh oh.. Brain is going in over drive now. Can/should an addict be trusted? What happens to ones credibility when one is caught in a lie? How many times can I lie before my credibility is destryoyed? Only a CG would believe another CG when they say " this time it's for real". Too cynical? Ha ha.. Gambling addicts lie. Trust is everything in a relationship. If you do the math addiction kills relationships..

But, Bruce, isn't even Bruce, anymore.. Life is certainly strange and always full of surprises.

Joan I've always enjoyed your diary. And never really commented on it because to me your diary is special. Where mine is written to other's. Your's is written to you from you. Kind of how a diary should be really lol
To me writing in your diary is like me opening my daughters diary. And adding comments. Joan I think your diary is one of the greats on here. And I have always enjoyed reading it as will many other forum user's
Have a great one x

Writing is better than sitting in front of a slot machine.. Right? It doesn't cost a thing. I suppose we all know by now, that compulsive gambling ain't about the money. Win or lose the gambling addict doesn't care about the money until the money is all gone. Then it's crunch the numbers time and the promises of swearing off forever. This time I will quit. I swear it! That's until the money adds up again.. Eff you, eff me, eff them all! effity eff eff eff it all!!!!!!!!

"Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty sleepy kitty purr purr purr".

This whatever the hell it it is today will all pass. It always does. I work too f*****g hard for my money to wind up flushing it down the tubes. I'm d**n lucky to be alive. I know that. I'm just so itchy today.

Diary: RAMBLE ALERT

new day. Not "the morning after" it could have been had I let myself down and gambled. A fresh start. A blank piece of paper or a pristine canvass. Today, will be whatever I make of it. I'm alive and in control of myself (for the moment). I don't need to worry about the world today, Like yesterday, and the day before, the world will take care of itself. Besides, worrying is an act of selfish inaction. It never solves anything anyway. It took me a very long time to give myself permission to use this diary. Really use it. Write on it,. Bleed on it. Even dump on it. Vile? Maybe. Sometimes, being human IS vile. I was never a fan of dressing up a t**d. Besides, I'm not running for president. I'm with Deano and all the others who have said, initially, recovery from this addiction depends on my willingness to accept myself. Not only the happy shiny parts, but the unsightly dark parts as well. When I allow myself to fearlessly examine these parts that live inside of me I am less apt to lurch every time I see these same blemishes in others. The old "you spot it, you got it" is a reoccurring theme because for me it's true. Sometimes I writhe in envy, or seethe in anger when reading the thoughts of another. How could someone else's thoughts elicit such passion from me? For me, diary writing or journaling is personal. Agreeing to post it on a public forum means I AM sharing. I very seldom write on other diaries these days because I see it as being intrusive. Isn't allowing the world to read it enough?? When Dan wrote he felt intimidated, I felt bad? Something.. He was clear that he wasn't being critical but, still, it is never my intention to be hurtful or to make others feel uncomfortable. Wait a second... See? I'm doing it. Something? right there.. Anyway, I suppose I'm a miner in search of the truth but too cynical to believe there are any human hearts made of gold. I know how to be civil and "nice". The beauty of this diary is that I don't have to be nice do I ? I suppose I have my work cut out for me. The balance lies in my ability to be calm and even. Creative, open, authentic, and non judgemental in all settings, around all people, all of the time. I'm not sure I can accomplish that. At least not in this life. Some days my mind is an untamed beast.

More...

Was it super ego to the rescue then? I am reminded that my brain and certain glands have the capacity to create, manufacture, and distribute dopamine. In other words I understand that I can do something in the physical world that can have a direct effect on my brain's pleasure center. Like a monkey I can sit and press the button all day long and bathe my brain in dopamine. That's until the money runs out. Thank God then, that the money runs out. What kind of life is sitting like a strung out robotic monkey in front of a spinning screen?? Why am I looking under those rocks and examining all of those slimy things that hide within myself? I suppose I am searching for my divinity..