Angel From Montgomery

Hey Joan,

Hope all went well and you finally had ur cup of coffee!! It is my life saver lol..drink two cups in first half hour in a morning and about 10 overnight at work....hmmm...no wonder i've got insomnia problem lol lol

Take care darling..look after yourself

Sandra x

Hi Joan, nice to hear from you, I hope you've had and enjoyed your cup of Joe. More than this I hope life is treating you well.

All the best

Steve

Just poping by and hoping all be good with ya. Have a great turkey day and yeah, eat like ya never ate before. Lol

Hey Joan,

A little wave over the pond followed with cheeky smile 🙂

Hope all is good darling

Take care

Sandra x

Thanks everybody.

Diary: Thanksgiving Day. Well, test came back with the result I was expecting. I have a fatty liver and I need to go on a diet in order to correct it. I won't say "fat chance" Lol but, not gonna happen today. P is cooking up a Thanksgiving Day feast and I plan on eating. I have already made some changes and am considering the Paleo Diet maybe after the first of the year. Still thinking about that one. On the gambling front? We are trying to stay away from the casino and so far so good. We have had some close calls. Not having any access to credit cards for the last 2 years is what has made the difference for us. No access to cash advances. If there is no money. There are no trips to the casino. I try doing what Broken Soul does when she gets paid. Just pay all of the bills and spend down any additional cash on hand in any way other than the slot machines. I still struggle internally with leaving it behind me. I still on some level see it as something I could enjoy doing. Until I come to the realization that Captain describes as the "I can live without it" stage I am going to struggle. I successfully reached that stage with smokes and alcohol but, food and gambling.... still sometimes a minute by minute struggle. I am still solid in my resolve to stop just being honest about what's in my heart and in my thoughts. I owe that much to myself. We have no intention to gamble today. Is there money to do it with? Yes. Is saying no going to be a continued struggle? Yes indeed. So, if the urge arises I will suggest we spend it on Christmas presents instead. What sucks is that we can not accumulate any real savings at this point. Oh well. Enough for today. -joanxxxx

Hey my soldier sis 😀 Thank you for visiting my diary and leaving a nice message xx

it is never enough Joan..just keep writing lol

Happy Thanksgiving!!!! I don't know much about it, would you mind to explain the tradition for me?....when you have time of course...Sounds good anyway...turkey?.....just had a anecdote about it on my tread the other day lol...better don't read 🙂

Enjoy and take care

no no no no gambling...just for today love x

S x

Flying by to wish you a happy thanksgiving. Will have to catch up later. Enjoy!

Thanks Sandra and Carla.

Diary: And another thing... am thinking about the concept of pleasure. I am learning to live along side of it these days. Things that bring us pleasure on this earthly plane are not as some might want us to believe in themselves evil ffs. Nor are those who can enjoy them without killing themselves and everyone else around them evil incarnate.. lol. just some disjointed thoughts floating around in my dry brain. I used to approach my recovery that way. Like one of those old puritanical popcorn f arts with the long white hair and the big buckles on their hats. I like it here on earth and the pleasures that my flesh can partake in. I cannot deny that. I have a big problem with gambling on slot machines though. When I do it my brain is bathed in dopamine sunlight. I see nothing else. I enter a dream state that soon becomes a nightmare. So, I choose to let it go. I get urges all of the time but, I choose to say no. Sometimes the urge gets the best of me. I fall and once again wake up semi conscious on my back with hot tears streaming down my face. Humiliated and broken. There are people out there who are very disciplined who may not be able to relate to this very human being. Perhaps you are the lucky ones. So perfect. So disciplined. Then why so bitter? Again, reminding me of those old puritan men and women. I cannot ever be goody joan. The way I see it is: I tried gambling on slot machines and it was fun. I liked it. No, I think I might have loved it. I can't do what I love in this case because I can't stop once I get started. Trying to stop does not make me a saint. Nor does falling down make me a weak sloth. I won't preach from the pulpit that others cannot should not less it rain stones upon their houses.. lol. It's simple. I am the slot J****E here. I cannot do it because when I do I don't stop. Did I gamble yesterday? No. Did I want to? Yes. Will I gamble today? No. Will I gamble tomorrow? To be continued...... joanxxxxx not goody goody joan

http://www.bing.com/videos/se…41E1DDE9EE0FA57D846241E1DDE9E

And, another thing

you are a lovely, lovely person.

So appreciate the way you are able to put my thoughts in print once again (you really must be psychological) and creased up by the thoughts of those puritanical popcorn f***s, many of whom I have met over the years.

Have to run as masses to do but have a funfilled, happy weekend, I intend to.

xxx

Hey girl and happy black Friday. Are ya off work and gonna battle the mall? LOL not that brave meself but gotta go pay the cell phone bill and yeah I'm on the pay as you go plan and they just shut ya down if they don't get the cash on day 30. LOL wish I could just pay it on line but don't give ya that privilege with the plan. LOL yeah fricken place is right next to the casino too so ya know what thoughts will be with me. Plan on getting my hair cut finally so just hope I ain't side tracked to that house of pain. LOL hope all is well and ya get through Friday just fine.

Thank you my lovely sister xx

Never think you taking a risk in responding to my posts, your thoughts are most appreciated and i know that you understand.

It's hard, it's wrong and it's ripping my heart out. That's how i feel. I see little boy getting the end of the stick....her son...it breaks my heart even further how people can be so selfish and think about themselves.

I'm no good with advices...i never was...in a way nobody ever took me seriously and and honestly listened to my opinion. I am push and pull by everyone. I stand up for myself only to rip friendship apart.....

A little memory of my childhood( well age 14-15)..had a lifetime friend, always together, having fun, sharing pain..true best friend. She found a boyfriend...start sneaking out at nights and got herself into drugs and crime circle...she was 16 at that time...our friendship changed, i didn't want to get into that circle. I tried to offer her things to do, i tried to talk to her....and few times she come round with new cloths, handbags...other stuff...money,drugs, stolen goods...i had to turn away from it all...2 months later, she got pregnant...and not long after got arrested.jailed for 15 years...her boyfriend too...she gave birth and raised her girl up in jail...she is out now..building new life..her bf still in jail...i feel it's my fault not being able to pull her out in right time...i was close to go the same path myself...lucky escape for me..right decision at the right time...but what if i did smthing diferent to help her realize where she is heading..life crashed, ....

So sorry Joan, i didn't mean to put so much...it's just ...i try to say...we are powerless sometimes to help others find the way. They have to think for themselves....just not always make that choice....

Thank you darling xxxxxx

S x

Joan

Happy thanks giving, a holiday I think our own fair land could do with, we have a summer bank holiday i august then the long slog till the christmas season, which has become a one day stop for most, sad that all the shops only close for the one day, but that's greed for you!

As for you my friend glad to see you are making great use of your diary, better out than in.

I fully understand the relationship you have with the slots, for me the electrical world of the fobt is where I graduated to and our stories of infatuation are equal.

So to are the results, but as you are my dear friend

One day at a time.

Hope the feast was enjoyable!!!!

Sounds like my cup of tea!!

Keep up the good work and never lose sight of the most important thing.

P

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hey again girl,

Your post got me thinking today....addicts have to realize to problem. You can push and pull them in any direction, scream,cry....if they are not ready...they will not try to change. I am deeply sorry to hear about your brother...addiction is horrible thing...you seem to be winning the fight...and next thing you are back to your old self...it takes guts darling....

...don't hate ur addiction, let your recovery take you on a journey. Addiction is smthing we love to bits...but it is killing us slowly at the same time.

You my friend doing the right thing....surviving just for today.. you are strong lady and always inspiring.

Thank you again for sharing

S x

Diary: Sunday. Getting through the days one at a time. Overwhelmed with feelings of extreme agitation today. Not exactly sure why. Well, that's not true. Someone from my work sent me an email that set me off and I have been perseverating over it since.. This next thought is going to sound horrible to some I am sure but, I am glad that P and I are in this mess together. If I had someone looking over my shoulder or at me from across the room anticipating my every thought and move... will she succumb? Will she fight? Secretly freaking out every time I draw a breath.. I think I would scream out loud. P and I are in this together. And, are trying to figure a way out together. Again, I do not expect everyone on here to appreciate or understand my unique set of circumstances. But, believe it or not I would not even consider going to a casino without her. We do it together or not at all. Like I said, I don't expect anyone else to understand. Lol. We have the money or at least we think we do. We never seem to factor debt in. Lol. And, we can easily get to the location. A lot like drinking really. We must not go because we cannot stop and any "fun" that we think we are going to have will certainly pale in the shadow of the self hatred and fear of not being able to meet the financial burden of all of the "what if" appliance/car/health/pet and or household responsibilities/disasters that might happen... The truth is nothing stands between us and gambling what little we have but our desire and will not to. So, now I have to think about why that d**n email *** ed me off so much. I guess in part because lately I feel so unsupported at my job. If I go on any further with any of this I might go into a tirade so, guess I will just say: I am aggravated and agitated today but, am still grateful to be alive and able to participate in this thing called "Life". I am not personally responsible for the miseries of others. Although on some level or another whether we are aware of it or not we are all probably participants in one way or another. There are no innocent adults. Except for maybe those with intellectual disabilities. Lol. Existential crisis number??? I have lost count... Given the way my mind works it should be little wonder why I wish to find ways to shut it off. Today, I won't gamble on slot machines... It aint the answer. -joanxxxx