Angel From Montgomery

Diary: Sunday. Just once I would like to wake up singing skippidy doo dah.. no such luck. Still slopping around trying to live the balanced wholesome life. Trying to take everyone and all into deep consideration and trying to be like jesus and all... lol.. Like I tried to express yesterday on my diary... I came from a chaotic household with lots of addiction. It is what I knew and a cycle I ended up repeating. I get it. As I took a lot of bull sh it from addicts my entire childhood. Not boo hoo. Just a fact. No excuses just at least in part an explanation. No, not gambling today. Cleaning house; doing the laundry etc. etc. etc. Not a skippidy doo dah day but, a day that I am truly glad to see the light of in spite of all of my complaints and gripes.. lol. -joanxxxxx

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJUhlRoBL8M

Hi Joan,

You took a lot from addicts all your life? That's what you know? Well, at least you have an excuse!! I know what you mean about waking up all cheery. I think I was about 8 years old the last time I felt that!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoEojphw7kk

Thought this might cheer you up. Could be a whole new career for some of the guys on this here forum methinks.

http://youtu.be/5748lK9HpOg

xxx

Hey Joan ...

Just one thing to say ..

"Children of addicts either grow up to be one or they marry one"

We are both in the same boat hun but I think you already know that ((((J)))) ..xx

R and D. Xx

Hi Joan,

Just seen on a news heavy snow in US...not sure where about you live over there..but just hope all good with you and you safe and warm and peaceful

(((( J ))))

S x

Knock knock sis...:-)

Hope all is good with u...i thought sisters should get in touch at least every 2-3 days lol...

Rooting for you here and hope u all safe and cosy 🙂

S x

Thanks for checking in Sandra..

Diary: Friday.. And.... it was a very long week at work. I'm too tired to go into all of it. I clocked in 61 solid hours of training so that means a little extra for Christmas presents. Nothing extravagant just one special present a piece. And, of course, something in the stocking for the menagerie -- guinea pigs, rabbit, corgis, and kitty kats.. lol.. The smell of P's roast beef is wafting through the air and there is a feeling of coziness all around. I am not in the best of moods. No, the anniversary of Ed's death is hanging over us all but, still, life is good. Life is very, very good. No, not gambling. Not over eating. Just trying to stay balanced and relatively sane. Sometimes it's a minute by minute thing. There's just something about the twinkling of multicolored Italian lights that just warms my broken heart. Have a good rest of the day and night. -joanxxxx

Thanks kind lady. it has not been a good week in my head.

You paint a lovely picture of life in your home this weekend so relax and enjoy.

xxx

Will echo Dragonfly's wishes. I'm glad you're enjoying a bit of a reprieve from life's S***e. Enjoy it, Joan! You deserve it.

Hey girl,

Yep..i am echoing ladies here too...enjoy, be happy, relax..

Progress not perfection darling !! 🙂

((( Joan )))

S x

Yo,

I recon that the days of calmness will increase.

Be it very slowly , made my mouth water talk of roast beef .

Hope you enjoyed you meal, the small pleasures in life are sometimes the biggest 🙂

Take care , stay strong , and don't work tooooooo hard

Shiny xxx

Thanks gals!!

Diary: Sunday. And... woke up to lots of snow this morning. So, have our work cut out for us today. Am thinking of Carla who has been digging herself out of a snow drift for some time now... Winter has not officially arrived but, here we are in a foot of snow. Lol. That's okay. When I don't have to rush into work I can appreciate the beauty of it as Paul Simon once put it --the silence of the freshly fallen snow... That crisp silence. I do love that. Clean? I cannot always claim to be 100% clean as I have so many compulsions to overcome on a moment by moment basis:

The compulsion to push back when someone pushes me

The compulsion to stuff my feelings by reaching for salty, sweet, or fatty foods

The compulsion to stuff my feelings of dread by going gambling

To name but a few...

And, the beat goes on. I have discovered that I am pretty compulsive.. And, I do fall down quite a bit. But, I also take a lot of risks... So, such is life. If life was a boot mine would look well worn. I invite anyone in the third who ever gets the urge to judge me to step into my boots. Walk around in them for a day or two. Then let's talk. lol. I don't hate myself anymore. In fact I am starting to like myself a little bit and am starting to appreciate what I had to do in order to get this far. Can I do better? Absolutely? Will I try? You best believe it? Is life worth living? I think so. Hi Ho Hi Ho Now, into the snow drift I go... -joanxxxxx

Diary: Monday. Up early and dragging already. Shoveled snow for 2 or 3 hours straight yesterday in 15 degrees. My arms and back are pretty numb. P ended up with frostnip on the balls of her feet and a few toes. We had to thaw them out in warm water. She's looking better today but still has some pain in one of her toes. We never do anything half way. lol. No gambling. And, I suspect the rest of this week up until the weekend will go smoothly. I am expecting a pretty big check at the end of the week so will be fighting some pretty strong urges I imagine. If we want Christmas this year we need to stay clear of the casino. That's what it comes down to really. Choice. What means more? There are lots of folks expressing their dislike of the season. I am not exactly thrilled with it myself but, because of P have learned to like it. It doesn't take much to cheer me up. I think a string of lights to light up the darkness helps. I love being with my friends and watching my little nieces open up presents. I love the food especially the chocolate covered cherries. And, I know addiction fist hand, and I have known addicts. Some like my brother who chose Jim Beam over wives,lovers,family, friends, jobs, etc. He ended up by himself with only his bottle at his side. If we want to we can gamble our entire pay checks this weekend.. But, that is unlikely. My desire to be a part of things is too strong. Bad dreams last night. Probably because I said I liked myself out loud. Shame is such bull s**t. I despise the words shame on you. I instantly think of the response yeah, well, f**k you and the horse you rode in on! Lol. I have little use for it these days. Anyway, I said I take risks and it is the truth. I could have stayed in a loveless marriage to appease my family. Instead, I faced the truth and my husband and left. Today, he is still one of my best friends. I could have stayed in Chicago where all of my so called friends were but, I left and never looked back. It was here that I found P and a new job. I brought my mom out here a few years after I got settled. If you want something you have to take risks. One of my biggest fears is performing in front of other people. Today, I am a trainer... lol.. I think that I get very anxious on the weekend before a training and I use eating and gambling as a way to cope with my fear and dread of failure and criticism. I am a good trainer. Maybe not the best but, I am good at it. So, what am I so afraid of? I cannot tolerate being criticized I guess....That is why I try to be so perfect at all I do. Even on here when I perceive folks being over critical of themselves or others....... Oh well the computer is running slow so that is my cue to stop rambling. No to gambling today. I don't need it. Besides, it never solves anything. Only masks the pain and leaves new problems in its churning wake. -joanxxxx

Hey Joan,

Very inspiring post 🙂

Jeez..even managed to feel that spark about Xmas ..i am happy for you girl. I am happy for P too, because you managing to get through struggles together. It is so much better to hav a shoulder to lean on. Making right decisions - double joy..bad decisions - half guilt ( lol..npt sure where that come from haha)

Thank you for sharing darling, i am sure you are good trainer...maybe you could help me to deal with anger and stress in a "calm" way lol...( my workplace found issue about me and offering a course )..need to try to keep lid on..

Hey ho, love ya sis, you are trully inspiring and honest person. Thank you for bringing the belief back 🙂

Have a good and calm week.

More important - be proud!!

Most important - progress not perfection. Make this Xmas extra special, keep that check in ur pocket over weekend. I know you are strong enough to do so 🙂

Hugs darling

S x