Angel From Montgomery

Diary: Still mentally pacing... I did get a call from work with an explanation for the email. I guess I am letting that one go kinda... lol. Corgis lying on the rug looking like two sausages linked together lol.. P quietly "pinning" on her tablet. Me sitting at the computer writing nonsense because I am still struggling with urges. A lazy cold and rainy Sunday afternoon. I could perk up a cup of joe. I have a few library books that I have not even looked at yet. I don't have the urge to snack which is good... Just a restless day I guess.. Were gonna get mom a Macy's gift card for Christmas. P we are thinking of getting a nice winter coat. Me I could use a new purse and some new shoes... The only way to make that happen is to hold onto every extra cent of our hard earned. Wave comes in then crashes over me. Sanity momentarily restored as I stand soaked and shivering waiting for the next wave. I picture myself laughing at it all in spite of the discomfort because I am still in love with this life. This too shall pass. -joanxxxx

Hey sis 🙂

" in love with this life " - FANTASTIC!!! It can be good life, it's all what we make out of it. It's never too late for a change.change is healthy 🙂

I am sure you will sail through rocky waters you might sense,...cmon girl..Xmas coming!!

Save those cents and get urself and P something lovely and heart warming...

....you won't find that in a casino...( just to make sure if u doubt ;-)..)

keep it up sis...big hug over the pond ((((J)))))

S x

Yo,

It's ok to feel. It's ok to vent .

Whilst at it as Duncs would say , we would I believe try to mask those feeling by escaping .

Escaping what ever trial or tribulation was sent to try us . Or as was often in my case reward myself for getting through the day .

It may not seem like progress but believe me when I say it is . Every day people suffer disappointments , get angry , frustrated and deal with it . Just a part of living in this world .

It's hard to take a step back and see how far you have come , as you said on my thread earlier for today moving recovery thus far Hun , is enough .

The big question is do we want to behaviour like normal people . I think I want to give it a go , although in am realistic enough to see that normal is one thing I will never be lol

Take care Hun , and a big big thank you for your continued support .!

Shiny xx

Thanks Sandra and Shiny

Diary: Monday. I do not typically post on a work morning but feel somewhat compelled. I wanted to express my gratitude for the diaries themselves because having them to hold onto yesterday helped me get passed some pretty awful urges. I don't expect too many folks to understand my brain or my particular set of circumstances. As we say recovery is bespoke. As far as I am concerned anybody with the desire to change their current habits around gambling should be welcomed to write down their thoughts about gambling whatever they are. After a year and many months that is what I have learned. That, and " if you spot it you got it." It's me looking into a mirror most days and shadow boxing most nights. This is gonna be one long ride. Feeling better in my own skin a little bit more each day is what it has been about for me. That and of course changing my habits around gambling on slot machines. The way I feel this morning is what it is all about for me. Conquering the urge. For me. -joanxxxx

Just read what a tough weekend you have had and so pleased for you that you managed to scrape through it.

I think whatever relationships we are involved in can cause different problems when we want to go on a spree, whether we are encouraged by others that don't understand the risk, ordered to stop (which used to send me off to do the opposite) or self restricting as we are ware of the risk if found out there is no easy way as was so clear in your words this weekend.

Don't want to sound patronising but I know how big an achievement to fight those mega urges so methinks you should start building an awards cabinet - omu (overcoming mega urge) award in the virtual post.

For you

xxx

Diary: Tuesday. Another work day. I am up too early and already showing signs of elevated levels of p*s s a tivity. Everything ticks me off. As if my nerve endings are sticking straight out from the surface of my skin. Nothing gets past me and everything aggravates me. I try like the rest of the free world I suppose..(that is, the lucky ones like us who have the luxury to bask in our own self pity as opposed to scraping around for food and shelter) to approach this "season" with an element of cheer. Lol. I suppose maybe I might be trying too hard. There is no law against wishing the season a speedy passing. I cannot say that "this sucks" and "that sucks" because my thermostat is broken. My radar seems to be down and my compass is spinning. f***k!!!! I need to reach inside and turn down the volume. I need to breathe today and that is all. Like always, I see something natural like Dragonfly's river in the winter time and my brain is bathed in momentary sunlight again. This mood I am in is just that. A mood. It will pass. -joanxxxx

Hey sis,

I hope today is better for you and you don't find many P****** thoughts doing ur head in 🙂

(((((( Joan ))))))

S x....go girl GO!!! xx

P.s. funny enough those words "it shall pass too" was ringing in my ears for the whole day yesterday. Was well down and P***** of with everything...but just kept repeating those words to myself...lol...like a real nutter...( but it did pass!!!)

Hi... I was just reading a post of yours. I thought it was your latest one but then I realised it was one of your first when you were describing what if felt like to sit at a machine watching things spin round and the cheesy tunes and about being transfixed and unable to move away until all monies gone.

It brought back to me a particularly awful gambling experience when I'd walked into a gambling hell hole and just fed, yet again, my entire rent money into a machine, all in the vain hope of continually winning money. When I had eventually run out of money, I cried gently, a grown man crying on to a machine. It was a very sad sight. Eventually a little lady came up to me and says.. "would you like a cup of tea?" I said through my tears "no thank you" and walked slowly out the door. A few weeks later I was back at the same machine.

Stay strong in your resolve as I do the same. Slot machines with all their cheesy tunes are killers... they suck the life blood from their victims. Keep safe... S.A

thanks Sandra 🙂 and S.A. so right those machines are designed to trick us and suck us dry...

Diary: Friday. After a long tiring week of trainings yes, I do feel the urge to splurge but, am thinking that maybe a hamburger and onion rings with P at Wild Willy's might do the trick. I have been eating whole foods nothing processed, containing white flour or refined sugar and feel more energized and managed to lose 4 lbs. And, that's not too shabby coming off of the Thanksgiving weekend... So, am pretty psyched about that. No gambling but that is probably because I have very limited funds. I wish I could say it is because I licked the beast. But, no, always seems to be dogging me especially on pay day weekends. I have my pay check already divvied up between this bill and that bill... Reading S.A.s post does remind me of the countless humiliating lows that always came with gambling stints. Yes S.A. a very sad sight and I know exactly what you mean and how you felt. You are absolutely right about the killing nature of those machines. I don't waste my energy hating them anymore but, can see so much clearer now, how they can manipulate the pleasure centers in our brains and trick us into thinking that a win is just around the corner -- there have been studies done on this. Evil genius I guess... Ultimately I am the one who makes the choice. The one who takes the first step toward self destruction. So, today I choose to stay away from that "hell hole". Hope everybody is ok. I will be waiting now for the man to come to install our new dishwasher. In spite of it all: We have it pretty d**n good and I am grateful for that. So, excuse me now as I slip into my happy pants. joanxxxxx

Wearing happy pants to Wild Willies - I am so envious.

Enjoy!!!!!

xxx

Heh heh heh...that's my sister!!!! full of spirit and smiles!!

A dose of fukitol and i am getting into my happy pants heh heh

Hhhuuuuugggsssss!!!!!

S x

Hey Joan

Giggling already at Sandra's previous post...I'm also in my happy pants and taking big doses of FUKITOL..lol

Xmas at chez Rach is gonna be a Amish affair....simple and homely ..wishing I was a Jehovah's Witness right now and I could bypass Xmas and work .....but joking aside ..

Don't stress about Xmas Hun ...I am doing rustic Xmas this year, back to basics,.bringing the outside in..a friendly small real tree,lots of real holly,fern,plants and flowers good wholesome food and good company..essential oils on the burner ..I have clove,sweet orange,vetiver and cinnamon in my burner ,candlelight and some old films lined up.

I have old fashioned Victorian decorations...no tinsel and my pals think I'm crazy..lol

Wooden toys, rag dolls, peg dolls,hand made Xmas cards and lots of bunting..it's kinda like the Walton's ! Lol

R and D xx ...hibernating and waiting for 'the sun'/son' to be born ...in the spring. 😉 xxxxxx

So glad you had a lovely evening and maybe even treat yourself to the quilted kind with the extra money.

Thinking about the title of your thread and however much we offload or think through our 'stuff' there is always just that little bit more to add to make life saner, safer or just plain happier. My son always says I have to have the last word so maybe I need to explore that aspect of my personality - interesting.

Wishing you many minutes, hours, days and years of health, strength and happiness.

xxx

Saturday girl...well good on you for seeing that little light at the end of the tunnel 🙂

You will get there sis...as u said ..better throwing money away on t paper than gambling 😀

Hugs for u darling and P

Love

Sandra x