Angel From Montgomery

Wishing peace of mind in the coming year above all else.

xxx

Thanks pals!!

Diary: I feel good today. We managed to get through without succumbing to urges to gamble on a slot machine. Especially on Christmas Day. Sadly, something that had become a tradition. Today I am celebrating the fact that we had money to spend on gifts and food this year. We were able to spoil our nieces and had the energy to be both physically and spiritually available to our family and friends. Gambling can terrorize my mind and rape my pocket book but, it has no place in my heart and soul. Today, I realize that we are getting better. Recovery is a very slow process with a lot of ups and downs. It has not been a straight line but, today I realize that it never is. We are getting there. Slowly, but, surely getting there. Joy to the world!! ( Even to that idiot across the road 😉 ) -joanxxxx

P.S. Things are not always as they seem or in other words: Healing takes place from the inside out!!

Hey girl,

I am very happy to see you in a high spirit 🙂

Recovery is indeed slow process, but the gift we give ourselves is priceless.

Peace to you dear sister xx

S x

P.s. sorry for making you cry the other day....but glad it was kind and full of belief tears xx

You know sister....you made me so panic yesterday...i just managed to snap out and put two words down lol...and then flood of tears followed...not sure where from?? 🙂

Please never worry about this girl, i am fighter, good bad and the ugly...such is this wonderful life 🙂

Hugs darling (((((( Joan )))))) xx

((((S))))

Diary: Saturday. Personally I don't believe there are any frauds on this forum. Nor, do I believe there are any trolls. People who bother to come on here even for seconds at a time are those in my opinion looking for a way out. Even if they believe with only a particle of their being or are as pric kly as hell in my humble opinion, they BELONG here. The self absorbed, psychopathological, narcissistic sorts do not bother with sites like these. And, if they do; They certainly don't care about me. They don't care that I rant about them. They don't lose any sleep over my sufferings or carings at all. That's what makes them the monsters that they are. Recovering CGs are NOT monsters. There are a lot of folks in pain on here. Especially at this time of year. Christmas time I think draws a dark bold line underneath the sufferings of others or shines a bright light into the corners of some of our darker places. Do I give a rat's a**e if anyone AGREES with me this morning? Well, it would be nice. We all like to be validated but, lately I am developing a thicker skin about being accepted by others especially on here. When I first came on here there was a sort of a GA culture about. I don't think it was necessarily dominating but, there were regulars who wrote often about their experiences in GA. I did not take offense by it. I had been to AA meetings before. I think there is a lot of merit to the 12 steps. Folks were also into challenge threads. Lots of folks were counting days. None of those methods really worked for me. Captain says he's been at it for 6 years. Well, I and many others have not been at recovery that long and are still trying to find their own way. As long as we are reading and writing we are committed to our recoveries; So, put a sock on any and all judgment of another CG's recovery path. Does it help that folks pi ss and argue about the right way? Or, accuse other folks of not being fully committed to their recoveries? No but, there were days when I was entertained by it, while other days was so distracted and angered about it that I considered leaving the forum altogether. Think about the new person coming on to this site for the first time. Does it sometimes feel like a clique or exclusive club? Yes. I said that when I fist came on and was criticized for it by another diarist on his own thread of course... lol. Another GC Forum cultural "thing" -- this notion that if I write it on my own diary it's always ok. Take what you want and leave the rest... Well, it bothers me and always will bother me if someone gets hurt by what I write. But, bottom line for me I guess is I will always support freedom of thought. Our diaries are intended to be our personal thoughts -- I guess. Only, the forum format allows us into each other's thoughts lol. So, what am I rambling about this morning? Whatever I please I guess. My opinions: If a person gambles on everything that moves then GA might just be the only way. Do it and do it with pride brother. I do not gamble on everything that moves nor have I ever shown interest in over 10 years of gambling history. I am a self reported brick and mortar slot machine J****E. I don't count days. Counting days drives me nuts thank you very much. But, if you count days. God bless you sister! I don't go to meetings. I don't join challenge threads. BUT, I belong here because I have a desire to eventually eradicate the slot machine from my life. I am looking forward to 2014. I am still hopeful. -joanxxxx

And another thing.... lol. In reading back my own post I am wondering out loud if there is a difference between keeping a recovery diary and blogging? Maybe, it's nice to get supportive replies and applause from time to time. But, maybe the harder work is in diving deep and not worrying so much about what others think or how I measure up against someone else's recovery...

Drop in any time Julie!

Diary: Sunday. Reflections on the year 2013:

The Good:

Mom is settling into her new life here with me and P. No trips to the ER no hospitalizations. She is happy and well. And, we are surviving her living with us! Plus: my brother is happily contributing to her welfare and that is much appreciated. Not so much the money but, him texting me at one point stating that he thinks I am a good daughter and good sister for what I am doing. That meant a lot to me.

P got a clean health report ( she has a hx of cervical carcinoma in situ and a family hx of breast ca. )

We were able to get the house painted, have some trees removed, and have the fence and mailbox repaired. We also gifted ourselves a new lawn mower, a computer, and a tablet for P.

Our 33000.00 cash advance credit card debt is down to 15000.00

I survived my parathyroidectomy and I did not need nasal sinus surgery after all.

P and I are still employed and I should be until at least through the fiscal year.

Our 75 year old steam boiler is still ticking along. Long may she boil and hiss! Her name is Bertha and she is family as far as we are concerned!

One night in October I thought that our rabbit Charlotte was going to die. She pushed through and is as feisty as ever. Our pets are like family. They all matter.

The Bad:

I spent all year grieving the loss of Ed. I thought of him every day and every night. It took me a calendar year just to accept that he had really died. I think now, I can start to miss him for the rest of my life. His loss feels like a heavy stone but, I will carry that stone -- no problem.

I still struggle with diet. My liver enzymes are up. Everything I eat turns to fat. If I don't make changes I am in immanent danger of developing type 2 diabetes.

P has developed a cough that scares me because she is still smoking like a fiend.

The company I work for constantly threatens to pass out pink slips. I never feel secure in my job and I believe they do that on purpose.

The Ugly:

P and I still go to the casino every so often. We have not let slot machines go completely and I am well aware that what might feel like controlled gambling for now, is immanent financial disaster whether sooner or later. Why? Because we have not changed our attitudes or behaviors about it one iota. We still can NEVER fully appreciate a win because we DO NOT EVER STOP until the last "won" dollar is spent. We managed to "budget" some money to throw away on slots but, lately, I find that we are creeping closer and closer to the line. The last time we crossed that line we managed to rack up 33000. of debt that we are still paying off. If I was being 100% honest with myself I would have to admit that the happiest times were when we managed 15 weeks of abstinence. But, were those really "happy" times? Maybe secure is a better word. Maybe content.

Next Steps:

P and I are going to have to look at what is getting in the way of us being truly happy as individuals and as a team. Our gambling on slots is a symptom and I believe at the core is unhappiness. There is nothing we cannot do together. I believe we can figure this out.

When we get paid we will immediately turn our extra cash into gift cards so that we will be forced to spend it on ourselves. It is not savings but, we cannot really begin saving until our debts are paid off.

I miss spirit in my life. I miss prayer and meditation. I know that god is a sore subject on here. Not very s**y. God is whoever we want him or her to be and recovery in my opinion is impossible without a spiritual component. So, I'm bringing the s**y back.

I guess that's it for now. The good the bad and the ugly. I am still looking forward to banishing slots in 2014. But, right at this moment some cereal and toast sounds perfect. 🙂 -joanxxxx

Hey there,

Great post and insight of your recovery so far. I sense so many positives and happiness in your post, that those little blips are only drop in a ocean.

Be happy sweetheart, keep moving, unite with yourself and your loved ones. Keep breathing and appreciating what you have in your life. You have and will always keep hold on of the most important thing in ur life - your soul and kind heart. You share this treasure with all of us, and i thank you for that Joan.

Keep posting xx

S x

P.s. i'm really pleased your rabbit Charlotte made it with fighting spirit too...teamwork in a household :-)))))

Love

S x

Thanks Sandra. I appreciate all of the support.

Diary: Monday. All is well. Had a nice chat with mom this morning. Looking forward to having the little ones over for a sleep over on New Year's Eve. I imagine we will pass the time by baking brownies, eating popcorn, and watching lots of cartoons. There is the threat of a Nor'easter blowing are way come Thursday night into Friday. So, that means lots of snow to shovel. I have this week off from work so, am just lazing around the house today. A fleeting thought or two about slots but, the real challenge is and I suppose always will be the dreaded payday weekend. The plan for this year is to take any extra cash and turn it into gift cards so that we have to buy stuff as needed. Stuff is better than feeding twenties into a slot machine. Honest to god on days like this I cringe when I think about a bunch of grown men and women betting on random patterns rolling across an electronic screen. And, we are drawn like magnets to it. I think there should be more studies done on this too. Our brains get bathed in dopamine every time we experience the "win" and then another part of the brain anticipates the next splash of dopamine. Only, it's random so the anticipation is often times met with more anticipation... The brain is programmed to predict but it's f u c king random!! It's a trick being played on the brain. Money and time are no longer matters of any consequence. It's all about the next splash that may or may not ever come. And, the cherry on the top is that we cannot get enough so it is a never ending cycle. Sounds like hell to me. That's why I think folks who think that gambling addicts are having fun are really off. Be as *** ed off as you want to -- you have that right but, understand that getting caught in this sucking vortex is not fun. Just as suicide is not funny. Addiction can happen to anyone but, I believe some folks are more at risk than others. The trick is to not take that first spin. Push through the urge whatever it takes. Do not go there at all. The only thing that is predictable is the outcome. No money. Lost time. Lost credibility. Guilt. Shame. And sometimes at least for me even thoughts about dying. Just thinking out loud here and not looking for any sympathy, validation or debate. Just writing down some random thoughts about random betting on slots and trying as always to wrap my mind around why it is what I do to myself what I do in spite of knowing better...w*f? -joanxxx

Joan

My dear friend today I salute you.

Great therapy, thanks so much for sharing.

Another gift of abstinence. To give without wanting return.

I hope you have a great time with those brownies!!!

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Am enjoying reading your recent posts. Keep fighting those urges with all you've got, Joan. Try your best to remember how shi#%y you'll feel afterward if you give in. As I wrote to Soul.... let's make 2014 our year.

Thanks Duncs and Carla.

Diary: Tuesday. New Year's Eve. I thought I would drop in before doing a little more cleaning before the little ones arrive. I have been having some unsettling dreams the last few nights. Not nightmares but, the kind of dreams where the feeling stays with you for a large part of the morning and into the day. I am fearful as usual. Mom tells me I come by it naturally because her mother my gramma was a very fearful person. Poor gramma got a pretty raw deal. Supposedly she came from money and inherited some land in the old country but, she would have needed to claim it during a time when Hitler was invading Europe. So she wound up broke and married to my grampa who was as his father referred to him: the Chicago b*m. My mom remembers being about 5 years old carrying a bucket of beer home from a tavern and how proud she was of herself for not spilling a single drop. I come from a long line of g*****s, tramps and (horse) thieves... And, I say that with the utmost respect and love because in spite of it all I don't mind being an outlaw. lol. Explains a lot... The further along we come through these "holidays" the calmer I seem to get. I guess I prefer the normal over the festive atmosphere. When I was a kid Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year was an excuse for my dad and all of the other adults to get and stay smashed. Where there are drunks there is sure to be drama. Drunk drama typically revolved around romance and finance. As a kid all I remember was the thick damp blanket of uneasiness that would come over me. The dread that always seemed to come out of nowhere but always on days when the rest of the free world was celebrating. The sun rose and set in my mother's eyes. And if she was sad we were all sad. When she laughed at some silly sit com on the tv my heart would soar. My mom could not figure out how to show affection so she would demonstrate her love in other ways. Like, taking the meat off of her own plate and putting it onto mine even though I already had a healthy portion. I came to understand that food is love, love is food. Lol. I think they all did the best they could... Today I am happy to be alive. I come from a strong rebellious peasant stock. It is true that what has not killed us has made us stronger. I am a true survivor! Gramma I vow to do a better job this year. I love you and I miss you! -joanxxx

My ma wasn't very good at showing affection either. She wasn't a drinker but had an abusive father and was definitely not a happy person so there was a lot of drama in our house too. I sure can relate to the mirroring of feelings between you and your mom. I've gotta say, though, that I've always detested that saying "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Disagree! I think we just use that saying as a sort of coping mechanism for dealing with the S***e we should, perhaps, not have had to deal with. I think Nietzsche is responsible for that quote but he also had some pretty dark things to say about life. Anyway..again want to say that I love reading your posts. Happy New Year, Joan!

Hiya Judy... just wanted to thank you for your thoughts. Made me smile, thinking about a tormenting Elf inside me. The little bleeder has been tormenting me all over the exmas time but I think its time for him to rest now.

I enjoy reading your thought's even though you are a peasant! ;-).. luv your writing style 🙂 Take care... S.A 🙂

Diary: New Year's Day 2014! No resolutions. Just taking a fresh look at an old problem. With renewed hope: I can do this. I know I can. This year it is about not pressing the button not even once. For me, there is no controlled bets on a slot machine. I read that slots for some are like the cr a ck C*****e of gambling because there is virtually no skill involved and the action is continuous. It figures that I would find and get hooked on the cr a ck of gambling. Skip over all of the other junk and go right to the c r a ck. Atta girl!! Lol. Anyway, the little ones are still here and I must get back to the cartoons, coloring, singing, playing house.. sigh... I am already a very lucky woman. I don't need gambling in my life to remind me of that. No gambling on slots today. None. Happy New Year Ed wherever you are: I love you and I miss you so much!!

-joanxxxxx

Good Morning Diary:

No gambling. No plans to visit the casino today. We are bearing down for a nor'easter out here. the worst of it is expected tomorrow night. So glad that P decided to take the day off today. We are as snug and bugs in a rug. Lol. I must admit that I am glad that the holidays are over and that we can now go back to a little normalcy around here. It was great to be up for celebrating and having the kids over but, I like it better the way it is today. QUIET. Lol. I am reading Stephen King's new novel. I got one of those Kindle Fire thingys for Christmas and I love that I can download books. I think that reading will become my new obsession. That's it for me today. 2014: Gambling on slots is OUT. Reading is IN. Take Care All. -joanxxxx