I met my wife about 8 years ago, married her 6 years ago. When we first met, I got myself into a little bit of debt; not much, two credit cards, one loan from the bank, three payday loans and a 3000 overdraft! I had a problem on the slots. I was 32 then and actually I'd had a problem on the slots since I as about 16 (for half of my life in fact!).
I entered into a debt management plan and my wife cleared my overdraft.
Sadly, the bank refused to close the account or remove the overdraft as I had a credit card with them?! So potentially, I had 3000 waiting to be spent.
Anyway, I married my wife in August 2008! Until 2012 gambling was no longer a problem. In 2011 my dad was diagnosed with cancer and I found out that my niece was being abused. January 2012, my daughter was born and my dad died in March (within 6 weeks of each other). I struggled at work and returned to the slots.
It was only a little bit to begin with: 20 in a pub slot, then 30, 50 and it just seemed to creep up.
Then I spent 10 in a motorway service station and took 500! stopped at the next service station on the M1 and then the next and then the next and ended up with about 700 in my pocket, all on 10.
Well, if I can do that once, I can do it again! Or so I thought.
Almost every day for the first couple of weeks of the month I'd stop off at the pub for a pint and a punt on the slots there. I say the first couple of weeks, I get paid monthly and by the second week, I was usually skint. The jackpot went up to 100 and the pay rate went down to 0.
Into the bookies, back to the 500 machines with the logic of same stake - higher payout, and won amounts between 100 and 500 on less than 50 for probably my first 5 visits.
Then nothing. I couldn't even get half of my money back. There are 4 machines in the bookies, so I have to try every one; one of them has to pay something! None of them did.
My wife knew for ages that something was wrong; why does he always run out of money before the end of the month? Why does he not contribute anything to the house apart from 650 a month for the mortgage and bills? Why does he go to town to but a shirt, spend 3 hours there and come back empty handed? Why does his mood change so dramatically from one day to the next? Where has the man that I married gone?
Today is the 26th of July. On the 3rd, bailiffs came to our house for a parking fine which had gone from 70 to 480. I had to sell my car so that I could pay them and they wouldn't come again. I got 450 for it. From this, I paid the bailiffs 250 with a promise to pay the rest on 1st August. I bought lunch and some cigarettes and gambled the rest.
I told my wife everything on 8th July and attended my first GA meeting on the same night.
She kicked me out of the house the next night after finding out that I had spent our daughter's savings and let me back into the house on the 13th.
I am so lucky to be back! I have handed over my debit card and my wife has changed my online banking password. We are in the process of sorting out who I owe money to and looking to Step Change to work out what the best option for me in in terms of DMP, DRO or Bankruptcy.
The next time I gamble, it will be game over for me! There will be no going back. The door will be absolutely closed on my relationship with my wife and our beautiful daughter.
My wife is trying to come to terms with what I am and what I have done and so am I. I have found the GA meetings really useful, but now I'm wracked with a new guilt; I'm feeling better about my situation while I feel that my wife feels worse. How can that be fair? Why do we do these things to the people that we love?
Billy
Fella welcome to the forum,our stories don't differ a great deal,we are both it seems addicted to the draw of the flashing light!!
I too have a wife,a person I had let down dramatically for twenty plus years until the day the bailiff came to re-possess our family home.
What did I do I ran,went off to commit suicide,gift my family my death,seeing it as a better gift than to stay and face the music.
Well I got stopped by a samaritan,who told me a truth,that was suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
So I returned home and set about fixing the carnage I caused.
In the early stages I made better mental progress than my wife,truth is fella I got all the praise,I was the 'addict'
I got the help,she was I saw expected to accept me for my shortcomings and get on with it,leaving her upset and angry and confused.
I remember coming home from my forth GA meeting and saying 'all I am asked to do is not have a bet'
She went banana's 'Why the f**k **##** !!!! could you not have seen that years ago!!!'
The truth is fella only addicts,like minded folk can see it,we are not 'normal' we are wired up differently in my mind.
My advice share everything with your wife,she deserves to recover too,she like my wife is the innocent victim of this addiction,along with my kids.
I share my diary,my inner thoughts good and bad with my wife,in doing so we are both 'in recovery'
I am proud to be able to say she is my best friend,my soul mate,her love unconditional and without gambling blinding my life I return it,that love the same.
For me today gambling in any form is unacceptable,because I know what the result will be
From this mind set my life has turned full circle,recovery is a gift,it is too the one selfish act I will permit myself
Why??
Because it has a profoundly positive effect on those I hold dear
That is what is on offer
I hope the forum gifts you as much as it does me and GA, I make no bones about that room it saved my life.
Keep making the right choice
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back
she will see you get better the more you DONT gamble , and then start to trust you again , but never want the finances back why should you let her have them , you have a wonderfull daughter dont waste that not for a pointless gamble , win tomorrow by not gambling , and dont be complacent , self exclude from everwhere if not allready done and take you wife with you for morral support , you can do this dont throw away something great
Thanks Duncanmac and Tryer
On the Wednesday after my first GA meeting, I was feeling so positive. I thought: I'm gonna tell a friend at work that I went to meeting; I'll explain to my boss why my work hasn't been great; I'll take responsibility for something. I felt really buoyed up.
It was only after I had done those things that I started to really think about my wife: here was I feeling really positive and then I knew that there would be my wife, sobbing at home, asking herself what had she done to deserve this? I agree Duncanmac - we get all of the credit 'well done for not gambling; you've done so well to not blow all of your wages before the 3rd of the month, knowing that you'll not get paid again until the 31st'! The people that we hold dear, the people who actually, when you think about it, we allow to play second-fiddle to slots, casinos, bookies, dogs, horses, whatever, until we can no longer hide our problems behind lie after lie, they're the victims; they're the people most effected by our compulsion.
I hope that I can beat this thing. I know that I would prefer to be like a child asking his mum for pocket money at 40 years of age than having cash and a card in my pocket.
Receipts for everything from now on - 'This is how much you gave me, this is what I spent and what on and this is what I have left.' Is that bad? Or should I take more responsibility for myself?
if it works that way dont knock it
Billy
Fella I am thirty months into this journey and still don't hold the purse strings,my wife does,yes get receipts,learn the value in every penny you earn,life will improve without you having control over the finances,in time you will repay the damage,for me that is important,but also you gift yourself LIFE
Don't be scared to say you have no self control at present,it would be more scary if you put yourself in a position where gambling would again become the priority.
Bottom line is for me,the money will be better spent if I don't hold it,it functions,with that I function better
No pressure and I am in control.
My glass was half empty all the time I gambled.
Through recovery it is half full
My advice enjoy it!!
You by not gambling win,enjoy being a winner
Duncs stepping forward never back
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