Not sure where to start. Here goes..................
For 45 years of my life I never gambled, in fact I hated gambling. Why? Watching the father I adored ruin his and everyone elses life he had contact with. I am too embarrassed to go in to detail about what I witnessed, heard and experienced because of what the demon gambling did to my dad. And yet I always knew deep in my heart what he did was not because he was a bad man I wasn't sure what he was, what it was, why he did it but just felt his behaviour was not something he had control over. However, there were times when I questioned whether or not he could control it and why he didn't. Why day after day he hurt those who loved him the most. The chaos he caused is beyond belief and yet I still loved him and really wanted to save him.
I often consoled myself by telling myself thanks to my dad and what he had done he had made me the person I was. The person who managed to survive an abusive marriage, bring up two wonderful children, lose everything she had as a result of the marriage break up, rebuild her life and have multiple negative experiences that never beat her but made her stronger and most of all never, ever gamble. For me that was my dad's legacy, what I had learned from him and to a degree balanced out some of the not so positive things I had seen him do and despised with a passion.
In 2010, my life changed for the worse. My work, that I loved, believed in, put on a pedestal and everything else positive you can think of, suddenly became my worse enemy. To summarise the climax of my downfall came when I became the target of a new manager who bullied me in a very indirect, well covered and psychological manner, that left me suffering a total and complete emotional break down. Leaving me for the first time in my life unable to work which lasted for 18 months, totally broke, lost, lonely and in such a dark and sad place just writing this fills me fear and dread.
I am convinced and could be wrong and can offer reasons to justify why I believe it was my experience at work that led me to gamble.
Firstly, going on line and gambling, it started with bingo and progressed to slots on line, allowed me the chance to escape the real world - it really did. However, looking back the escape was actually also a form of self harm as I began to deliberately lose money to deliberately hurt myself. Admittedly at the time I was very mentally unwell and can remember being so angry with myself I actually hit and punched myself, banged my head on the wall and on one occasion after losing a large amount of money I wet myself. I can't believe I Have just wrote that or been able to reveal it but I have and feel I need to reveal even the most nasty and most shameful side of my addiction.
I have lost everything I no longer even have a bank account. I have no savings, debt hanging over my head that I am too frightened to face and even on the rare occasion I want to face it I find I just can't, I don't know where to start, who I owe money to and have not opened my post properly since 2012 when I could take no more.
I can remember saying that I wasn't even brave enough to do the right thing and commit suicide. However, so wanted to and believe I did come close once or twice.
I have on occasion in the last year or so managed to abstain from gambling, however, I now realise I still had not hit my rock bottom or faced my demons. I lapsed badly last weekend and lost all my salary and much more besides - if there is a way back from this and I am determined to find one if there is one but have finally realised I cannot do it alone and while I have the best family and friends they do not really understand, I need more and for the first time in four years or so I am doing what I should have done at the beginning and holding out my hand for help to those who have been to the same dark and nasty places I have been and who have survived or on their way back and who just might be what it is I need to claw my way back, build my life again, learn from mistakes and hopefully one day help others do the same. Surely, this has happened to me for a reason and really want to believe that some good, some where will come out of it.
Hopefully, from today there is only one way and that's up...................watch this space. Thank you for reading my post.
Hi Alfie,
I have just read your post and promise to come back to you later, I want to say so much to you but have to go out now, just stay strong today, there is lots of help out there and lots of advice on here. I will post again later tonight.
Take care
Hope x
Thank you, I am looking forward to hearing from you x
Hello Alfie
Firstly you have come to the best place for support, you will find it in abundance from some of the great people on here so well done for that. Also you have more guts and determination than you let yourself believe as it took a lot to write as honestly as you did. If you set yourself the goal of writing in this diary as honestly as you have every single day then it could well become the greatest weapon in your arsenal on your road to recovery. Any tests we come across only make us stronger and I truly believe you can look back on this in a year or 10 years and say that you learned from it and are able to help people along the way. Wish you all the best and look forward to reading your diary.
Hi Hopejim thank you for reading my post.
I also thank you for your encouragement and adding to the little piece of hope I have that one day I will be able to stand up to the gambling demon once and for all and not allow myself to be fooled by the false promises and masked misery I have been subjected to every time I have said to myself, just this once, and this time I will stop when I am winning..............because I don't, I won't and I know oh so well, for me its not about the winning, as I know I won't or can't allow myself to win. How sick does that sound and looks even worse in writing.
Sorry, I have gone off on one, but thank you so much, your reply has helped a lot.
You'll find that the majority of people who have ended up on here mate are not gambling for the money, we have become addicted to the thrill and risk of losing money as crazy as it sounds.
Hello Alfie,
Sorry I didnt get back last night but I had a crisis at home I needed to deal with.
Firstly well done on admitting you have a problem.
I noticed you roughly started your gambling in 2010 approx around the time the gambling laws were relaxed and hey ho we all got caught up in the frenzy of making easy money on line.
The very sad and tragic part is that this easy money has led to the total destruction of many lives but there is a way back and you have to commit to working throught that..
It sounds as if you have been through a very rough period of your life and the gambling has become an escape. What is actually happening is the gambling is making it so much worse and your life has become unmanageable, we have to admit that we are powerless over gambling and then we can get the help and support from so many places and resources. What works for one person may not work for us all but it is worth exploring everything that you can access to help rid yourself and recover from this vile addiction/illness.
There are a number of practical things you can start with and they are installing a web blocker on your pc, IPAD, mobile phone etc or anywhere you are able to access the internet (K9 is free but you would need someone to input a password), self exclude for on line sites, casinos, bookies etc, confide in a close friend or family member because this illness is too big for us to deal on our own, seek out your local GA or a place where you feel comfortable attending - remember it is anonymous and every body is there for the same reason- they want to stop gambling.
Speak to your GP who will assess you thoroughly for signs of depression and who will also signpost you to access any counselling etc and keep a diary on this site, there is so much support and advice here you will be overwhelmed.
It is very easy for us to seek help when the finances are in a mess and that is when most people do but unbelievabley sorting the finances is easy compared to trying to recover from this illness. Compulsive gambling is a serious illness that has to be given that respect. We have to agree to take one day at a time and promise just for 24 hours we will not gamble, then the following day we do the same, we promise ourselves just for today we will not gamble, it is not easy but if we set higher expectations of ourselves we will fail that target.
Alfie you are suffering from low esteem, you come accross as an intelligent individual who has been unfortunate to be exposed to the thieving soundrels who take our hard earned money away from us. Gambling makes us do awful out of character things which you have been honest and explicit in describing.
Just remember each day we do not gamble we win, it is a simple but not as straightforward as that.
If you have no available finances contact Stepchange who will help deal with your debts. and CAB will signpost you to emergency social funds to make sure your children are fed and dressed.
I will keep reading your posts and wish you every success in your recovery, please read as many diaries as you can for inspiration and support.
Best wishes
Hope x
Thank you hope lass for your message and your advice.
Well today was the day that my real recovery began or so I thought and so hoped. Nope........ I did it again today and gambled. I feel so weak and unable to resist, but its like I kind of know what I am doing but can't or don't want to stop myself.
Last night I felt so positive and inspired by what I had read and for the first time did not feel I was alone and not the only one suffering from the demon gambling "thing".
I have made a list of things I need to do to change my life. The things I need to change that I believe are connected to my gambling are major and include changing my job, facing my debt, finding a new interest/hobby and eventually moving home. However, realise these changes are massive and I will have to take a day at a time.
In 2011 I was diagnosed with acute work related stress and depression and later a psychiatric injury as a result of the bullying. What happened to me was awful, terrible, nearly as bad as the gambling but its all related in my opinion.
I did return to work, how I do not know, in fact up until a few weeks ago returning to work although I still don't know how I did it in the beginning has allowed me the opportunity to witness Karma first hand and while it goes someway to dampen my anger, pain, hurt and sheer humiliation about what happened to me, the damage caused by the bullying is with me everyday and no matter what I do I cannot let go.
The most biggest lapse in my recovery from gambling appears to coincide with an incident at work that really is so minor and petty I feel pathetic I have allowed it to affect me so much. However, it has made me realise I am not entirely recovered from my work related experience and don't think I will ever recover while working for the same organisation. For me the bullying/work related problem are so obviously connected to the gambling that for me I feel I must also make changes to this area of my life if I am ever to stand up and beat the gambling. I may be kidding myself and relating the gambling to work and a mental illness in an attempt to justify my gambling. Time will tell. But I cannot allow myself to live the life I am at the moment, I hate it, don't want it, despise it and want it gone for good.
I am in the process of blocking gambling sites and as a result of my dad's gambling have not to date and really don't think I could (but after what's happened to me I would be a fool to say I wouldn't because before this awful thing happened to me I would have put my life, my home and everything I owned on never gambling, in hindsight a contradiction in itself, she says very red faced and shamefully, what is it they say about never saying never). anyhow what I was referring to before I diverted on a tangent is set foot in a bookies - I still cringe every time I see one in fact probably more so than I did before my addiction. So yes blocking my access to gambling sites is a must and work in progress.
My children are grown fine young men now, who have been deeply hurt by my demise in character and statue. I am determined to make it up to them and be true to my word that life is what you make it and if you want something, you must aim for it and go get it because no one else is going to or can do it for you. Time to take my own medicine.
I have been knocked down plenty in my life and always got up, wounded, angry, frightened and determined but I got up and know I have what it takes to beat the angry demon that I have allowed to take control of me and my life.
I know I am on a journey and one I would never ever have chosen to go on if I had been given the chance. I truly believe that if I don't start fighting the temptation to gamble then I am done for, ruined and cannot leave my children with that memory. I want them to remember the out spoken, confident, determined, honest and have say on occasion very difficult and stubborn person I once was, who I and others who meant the most to me, respected, trusted and quite liked most of the time.
As far as my finances go I am able to live in the here and now and think I have managed to sort out the most important bills such as rent, etc. Its just the other bills that up until 2011 I always paid in full on time.........................sometimes it hard to believe I was once that kind of person. But I was and know I have to tell myself I will be again one day, but that one day I know is very far away, I have a lot to do and a lot to prove and have to accept at my age there may not be enough time to win back the trust I once had from others, such as creditors etc but hey as long as I manage to win back the trust, faith and hope from those closest to me who I love the most and have hurt so badly, that's my main goal and will be more than happy with that.
So, I cannot say, as I hoped last night, here's to day 1 not gambling, but I can say tomorrow is the start of my new life, please god.
Thank you for again, Hope Lass for your message and taking the time to reply, reading your message made me feel I am not alone, understood and encouraged to do what I know I must do to get back a life that is full of purpose, focused and worthwhile, far from the life I have at the moment which is consumed with thoughts of gambling and unhealthy and destructive obsession.
Roll on tomorrow.................hopefully the beginning of the end of this most awful chapter of my life xx
I couldn't face posting yesterday as the day was not the day I hoped it would be. I did gamble but was encouraged by the fact that I had only spent 10 pounds even though I did have more I did not spend it and although the urge was there I did not.
Today, is the first day for many weeks I have not gambled. Feeling stronger and not as weak as I did yesterday.
After reading some diary entries on here and from what I know I believe that if I am serious about abstaining from gambling I need to change other areas of my that appear to be directly related to the gambling.
I must see this week out and be strong and brave and so hope the time has come to move onto a much happier, less stressful and less selfish chapter of my life.
I feel scared, apprehensive, hopeful and I think excited too but also know only too well I will be tested. Tested every time an advert for an online bingo site comes on the TV or radio which seems to happen more and more often every day. Tested every time I am bored, want to escape and at other times in my life that I now associated with gambling.
Roll on day 2. Another day closer to the life I want and know will not come easy; with obstacles to jump and even more lessons to learn.
xxx
Hi Alfie
Welcome aboard this supportive forum
Never give up giving up on the road to recovery
It's not easy but to abstain and maintain each day we have to really want to stop and 100% commit to abstaining one day at a time
Put every barrier in place to help you use the triangle
Time money location take one away and it's impossible to play
Try and turn negatives into positives
You gambled 10 and stopped so that definitely is a positive because you could have lost a lot more
Think I win every day I don't play and I will win today that is positive
Remember we cannot win because we cannot stop
I wish you well on your recovery
Best wishes
Suzanne x
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