Day 7 , I'm officially a week gamble free and while that may seem small and insignificant in 7 days your mind has begin it's first real and physical changes and begins to see changes. I have spent the last few days trying to find something to say on this day or how to put into words the difference for day 0 to here but instead I opted to slowly and surely write a poem.
​The shame was heavy, a coat of lead,
A burning heat inside my head.
I walked in shadows, eyes cast down,
Hiding the weight of a silent frown.
​The choke hold tightened, a grip of steel,
Numbing the things I feared to feel.
A sleepwalker moving on impulse alone,
Chasing a loss to the marrow and bone.
​But the fog is lifting, though the climb is steep,
Waking the mind from its toxic sleep.
It isn't easy, this fight for ground,
Where silence and urges are the only sound.
​Yet here is the light, faint but true,
Breaking the grey and revealing the blue.
To breathe again, deep and unconstrained,
No longer by unconscious choices chained.
​The chains are heavy, but they fall away,
One liberated hour, one hard-fought day.
Peace is the prize for the battles won,
A life reclaimed in the morning sunÂ
Hi Chefjake,
Best wishes to your new hopeful journey of gamble free. I enjoy reading your poem, beautifully rhymed and what you mentioned was so real to us. Thanks for sharing your thoughts here.Â
This is amazing ChefJake it feels like only yesterday i was here on day 1 i can remember it very clearly it felt like a dream i was questioning myself how this happened its been 938 days since that day i came home put all blocks came on the chat the same night took advice it seem a distant past however i paid the concquences for the next 10/11 as i had to make many sacrifices the debt i paid off and the cutbacks i had to make is turned into a blessing and it what helped me to move forward with my life my life million times better in every shape and form coming on here daily and using the chatroom is what keeping the urgues from coming on i am proud of uÂ
Hi Jake
Great poem and I'm so glad you are feeling the benefits of not gambling. The chaos is over mate in your head
Apologies I didn't reply to you all, thank you for the kind words. I missed yesterday, it's been a rough few days I have been on email support and talking more about my demons that led me to be the person I am. I listened to some brene brown talks on vulnerability and shame and that opened a whole can of pain. But today is 9 days GF so here is what I have to say today.
​Nine days. I’m still standing, but it feels like I’m standing on the outside looking in.
​The gambling is gone, but it’s left a massive hole. Without the noise of it, I’m stuck sitting with this feeling that I’m just fundamentally broken. Like I’m faulty at my core and I don’t belong anywhere.
​It’s frustrating as hell knowing I have these massive demons to fight but having to sit on my hands waiting for a therapist to become available. I’m ready to do the work, but I’m stuck in the queue.
​So, I’ve been plugging the gap with Brené Brown talks. Listening to her talk about shame and unworthiness is hard—it’s like she’s reading my mind—but it helps to know there’s a name for this heaviness I’m carrying.
​I don’t feel fixed. I don’t feel "good." But I am resolute. I am not gambling today. I’ll keep listening, keep waiting, and keep holding the line until I get the help I need
Good luck on your journey Jake, like yourself I have been feeling very low and doubting my own worth. I will look into Brene Brown and listen to some of her audiobooks over the weekend.
Wishing you all the best going forward.
@ekmfhb5cda all the best bud if you ever need a chat I'm always around just reply to me on here and I'll be there to chat
It’s been 11 days. In the past, eleven days might have felt like a lifetime of holding my breath, just waiting for the next "slip" to happen. But today feels different. The air feels a little lighter, not because the challenge is gone, but because my perspective is shifting.
Shifting the Narrative
I’ve been diving deep into the work of Brené Brown and Dr. Gabor Maté, and it’s like they’ve handed me a new set of lenses to see my own life.
From Shame to Vulnerability: Brené helped me realize that shame thrives in secrecy. For a long time, I carried the weight of my gambling as a badge of "badness." Now, I’m learning that needing help isn't a sign of weakness—it’s a sign of courage.
Understanding the "Why": Gabor Maté’s perspective on addiction—asking not "Why the addiction?" but "Why the pain?"—has been a revelation. I’m starting to look at my past self with compassion instead of contempt. I wasn't trying to be "bad"; I was trying to escape a pain I didn't know how to handle.
Choosing the Man I Want to Be
For the first time in a long time, I don't feel defined by a bet or a loss. I feel defined by my choices. I am officially proud that I took the step to get help. I’ve traded the heavy, toxic cloak of shame for the honest reality of recovery. I’m not "fixed" yet, but I am evolving. I can see the man I want to be—someone who is present, honest, and reliable—and for the first time, he doesn't feel like a stranger. He feels like me, just finally coming home.
"Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome." — Brené Brown
Eleven days down. One day at a time
Day 12...
This was a day I had been dreading, myself, my wife and our boys went to see my dad and step mum and I went for a walk with my dad to talk to him after my wife had told him what had happened earlier last week.Â
I went into the chat wanting to open up and make some progress but ended up being told I should know better, I should put my boys first and it's silly to get here and rather than open up and get some support and encouragement I felt more so like I had been judged and disappointed my family. Sadly I had a feeling this might be the outcome but chose to open up anyway to be met with resistance about how hiding behind excuses doesn't change what I've done. To make matter worse while we were out my wife and step mother spoke... The last day or so me and the wife had made some good progress, shared a few hugs and good chats and opened up and slowly but surely building fragile bridges, but on my return things felt different, like she had changed some of her decisions, like she had been told I'm not worth it and she and my boys deserve better it was very frosty and felt fragile and hopeless again... Again I'm not surprised my step mum has never seen eye to eye with me and doesn't understand my life or what I've been through and just looks at the surface. So while I'm trying to remain positive and not pressure my wife, tonight I had a little cry to myself like the last week of work and chats had been undone by outside noise. But Thursday 12th I have a couple of therapy sessions booked and I'm ready to better myself for ME .. no one else but me, it's time I claim my life back and it's time I find the happiness I buried all them hears ago to hide away the pain and suffering, I'm not perfect far from it but I deserve happiness and feeling like I'm worth the time of day. If my wife chooses otherwise so be it, this is for me and the rest of my life regardless of where and what I'm doing, I want to stand true to what I believe in, what I stand for and how I want to act and life, I'm done hiding my pain, I'm done pretending I okay all the time and I'm done trying to do everything for everyone and putting myself last
Hi Jake
Stay strong mate and give yourself a bit of kindness. I'm so pleased with that last paragraph you wrote and I hope your words keep resounding around your mind for months to come and keep you going forward. This has to be for you, one day at a time. I've got to say you made me laugh when you said about back to day one. I've had some real knocks as you know on this short journey so far and it always feels like day one but it's not. When you wake up tomorrow it's another day, so just for today was c**P but tomorrow will feel different, not perfect but we all need to cope with life and I have to learn not to escape into that old world and hide again. We've got this mate, we can do this. To let you know, earlier this week I got kicked out of the family home and told not to come back. That's 11 weeks in, she knows everything, no gambling, not perfect but ok, I'm back home now but I guess it's a reminder that its one day at a time for the people we have harmed as well as ourselves. I am hoping your parents are like mine. Mine are both mid 80s and were hurt and didn't understand. They've asked a lot of questions over recent weeks and are now embedded in my support network. They've gone from "we don't want to know about your recovery, just give up" to asking every day how I am doing and what I am doing. First text of every day is from my mum and the other day she said to me, your dad and I will do everything we can to support you as we know how difficult this is and you can't do it alone. If you ever need us we are always here, just talk to us whatever is troubling you. I know you can't hope for that as you've got to stick to just for today, but mate, I can hope for you instead. The same with your wife, I'm sure she can see the good work you are putting in and changing your life. As the weeks roll on she will see more and more mate but just for today we have to accept the things we cannot change as per GA
@lp5vut869c sorry to hear you had a rough week bud, I'm always around to chat if you need to and yeh today just felt like do you know when you start feeling good about something like you making progress and the world has a funny way to kick you in the balls to bring you down to earth 🤣 but tomorrow is a new day
And tomorrow is today mate, spending a bit of time between work with your kids
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