Day 1

Hi Lu , don't think anyone's going away hun as weve all been there but that being said , It wont stop until you do Lu ? .

You can do this as much as you want , stopping for a few day's then thinking one more win will turn my life around , well it never will Lu , even if you win you'll pay afew things off if you get that far and then start all over again because you can justify it by thinking " Well I've cleared some debt so if I win a bit more it'll be even better " You'll never win Lu because like all on here you can't stop gambling and the longer you gamble the more you will lose and tthat's because the longer you play the more the odds go in the houses favour , that;s the way it works , they want you to go back and chase it because then they can have a bloody good laugh at you , while counting the money you spend all day earning .

You need to spend more time reading diarys on here particularly those who relapse and continue to chase the dream , it never ends well , the only sure thing is that you'll just be in more debt than when you started . Listen I could go on all night spouting words of wisdom at you but at the end of the day the only person that can take responsibility to stop gambling is you and if you want to be back here next week or the week after saying the same " I found another site " then the choice is always yours Hun ?

I won't give up on you Lu , but you need to find a bit more willpower from somewhere coz the sooner you beat this the sooner you'll stop wasting your life and realise how good not being a slave to gambling really feels :)) .

XX Alan

Ps Stopping gambling's a bit like learning to swim Lu , Fear of the unknown , that moment that we let go of of the side of the pool and realise that your not going to go under , you kick your feet and move your arms and your swimming free and you have to be brave and let go of the hold gambling has on you , then and only then will you realise you can survive without it :))

Oh Alan you've hit a few nerves thank you so much for not giving up on me! Yes I have to be the one who does this what really hit home to me was your last bit about fear of stopping and you've hit nail on the head I'm terrified of stopping can't see a life without it....yet I'm terrified of losing my 'crutch' I'm scared to death of how I'll cope not gambling, the fear has overcome all logic and words of advice. I have to deal with this. My counselling is this afternoon and I can't wait to speak about this just typing this now I feel freer and less scared. Alan you'd make a fantastic counsellor you get to the heart of what the persons feeling I owe you a massive thank you! You've given me the will to keep on fighting this now I can see why mainly I gamble! I can face that fear head on I've faced a lot in my life this is right up my street! This time Alan 😉 thank you from bottom of my heart Alan 🙂 onwards and upwards! Lu x

Day 1 will be done later this evening but this time feel much much more positive because thanks to a wonderful person, Alan! I've finally realised why I keep going back. I actually have weapons in my arsenal of how to beat this nasty addiction now! That is face the fear, the fear of not having gambling in my life cos I use it as a crutch. I know all the bad things it brings, the devastation, depression, debt but even that didn't stop me. I've finally realised that the main thing I've been using gambling to run away from is actually causing more of it. For me the big thing was facing the fear finally I'm doing that and it feels good, now I can see light at end of tunnel. Counselling today thought it started next week but it's today so that's good. Best wishes everyone

Hey Lulu.
Hope your feeling a bit better this morning hun. ..some nasty bugs going around....please don't pass it on to Alan....he's a man...so it will defo be worse for him ! : )
Jeez...those dam slots...they'll keep calling you hun. ....promising you a chance of a win....cash to clear debts....bills etc...
But you know deep down it's not like that....
You know that by not feeding a bloody online slot that life will get better.....we could have the blocks from fort Knox ....but if we don't add a bit of will power....there pointless....
Find that fight love....I understand completely how those urges spring from nowhere.. and how bad the early days are....
I went ouside for a smoke over the weekend....chucked my dog end at a drain.....yep...it went straight in...."" oh says my head...that was lucky...why not try the slots....your bound to win " !
Where the hell did that come from...I actually laughed. ...and even said out loud..."your f*****g mad arnt you"....and it was gone. .so weird....over in a flash...hard to explain it really....but not a problem...
Anyhow...you know the score love...you know what to do...I'll always be floating around here...so knuckle down and keep fighting xx

Hi Loxxie thank you for still being there too! Your helping me so much and yes your so right willpower is needed too. There are some nasty bugs going around hun I've been quite poorly no I won't give it Alan lol! My hubby keeps moaning saying he's sure I've given it him lol. That's it you think surely this time I'll be lucky after so many losses but no just carry on winning a bit putting it straight back in and more. Yes it's crazy what thoughts pop in your head, how many days you done Loxxie? Did you relapse too. It's going to be tough I know but now I'm facing my fears I feel that I can actually do it 🙂 plus knowing life gets better. Willpower going to be in full force as well as blocks. Than you Loxxie Lu x

I've not relapsed since I came here about 290 odd days ago...
But did have a couple half hearted attempts at kicking the slots around this time last year...so I call them my relapses !
I suppose looking back...the half hearted attempts or relapses happened....one ...because I allowed them to....and two...because I wasn't facing up to the fact that I was an addict...
It seemed like once my addiction was known by hubby and adult children....it was easier to not run to the slots....and with time...I realised that my "relationship " with a slot machine was very one sided. ..the slots where actually taking the P**s. ...being selfish...abusing me ....manipulating me....turning me against family and friends etc ....
Once id got that in my head....it became much easier....if that makes sense....I'm c**P at writing what I mean lol...
Anyway....I took it a day at a time....still do....and always will...
I keep my nasty memories of all the c**P my addiction caused in a little box safely tucked in my head.. I'll peep in every now and then so I never forget the distruction my addiction caused....it's just my funny way of reminding me I never want to go back to that ....and will do my upmost to remain gamble free...
It does get easier hun. ...
And boy. ...it's worth it ..
I'm always around....well as much as pub...and grandkids etc allow lol xx

Morning Lu :)). Bloody hell you get up early dont ya ? .

I'm glad your feeling more positive and a bit clearer about the way you want to go , thank you for the compliments but "Counsellor " LoL ! , you were lucky you got a bit of advice that made sense , most of my posts last night were between Deano and I discussing his shaved leg and my shaved bit's ? Yeah ! , Don't ask :)) . So I'm not sure that would go down well at a counselling session :(( .

Anyway , I know exactly why most of us keep going back to it and it is for that very reason that gamblings been in our lives for so long how am I ever going to manage without it and all that does is keep dragging you back after afew day's off .

I was much like Loxxie in that since being here I haven't relapsed but tried many times before I came , to cut down how many times I gambled a week or cutting down on my stakes , all of which failed miserably because I was still gambling and still unable to control it , that first month was murder, I like you kept thinking well I've had a few day's or a week away from gambling haven't I done well ? I'll reward myself and have a little bet , which is what I've always done throughout my life but that's just gambling trying to justify a reason to gamble again , so I had to fight those urges and distract myself just to get passed each day , I spent a hell of alot of time on here talking with others and reading back post's of others , some that had failed and many who had succeded in staying gamble free trying to look for answers why some could do it and others were unable to stay gamble free and the main thing I noticed among those that had succeded were that they accepted gambling had beaten them , they'd had enough of taking it on and were finally happy to let it win , their outlook on life had also changed they'd looked for things to fill their live's with instead of gambling and changed their way of thinking . At the moment you need to set yourself a goal of staying gamble free for say that first month , however you do it , one hour or one day at a time just as long as you get there , reach that month and you'll see how different you feel , it'll spur you on to reach another month and so on , everyone's different so whatever you do to fill those hours is up to you as long as you do fill them .

A year ago I would never have thought I could have such a different life as I have now , I just don't think about gambling anymore because I've let it all go and filled my time up to a point where I really can't understand where I found the time in the first place to gamble , and the important thing is I've got my self respect back and I'm really enjoying life again :)).

Let go of it Lu , you to will start feeling much better about everything and life will become much more managable again and you'll be a lot lot happier that's for sure :))

Have a great day Hun xx

Hey Lu thanks for stopping by on my diary. It certainly looks like you have got some sound advice from Alan.

I really hoping that it all goes well for you from here on in, and that you can reach 7 days and then some.

I struggled with the mindset when I tried to give up at the start of the year. When I read back on my old diaries I often struggled to get my head around the fact that I would never gamble again, and this was a hurdle I had to get over, and feel I have now. Although it's early days for me I feel like that as well as telling my partner has allowed me to really kick on.

I don't doubt you want this at all, I can tell how much stopping means to you. Just grab the bull by the horns and go for it. Let those GF days mount up. It's easier said than done but I think you can do it.

All the best RA

Hi Loxxie, Alan, RA thank you for posting it's helping me so much but Alan I have a vision of shaved bits! Lol! Thanks for making me laugh again your a real tonic. Hey Loxxie wow! 290 days that's amazing so very well done really happy for you, I'll get there too. I know we open ourselves to abuse don't we doing that s**t (I hate it so much now) your right it's just abuse via the horrendous slots. Me too one day at a time said it before but I'm putting all I've learnt into it and I'm going to do it. I like that little box idea that's good I'm going to do that too, thanks hun x. Alan can still see that picture lol! Mmmmm boggling lol! I'll have a read :)) yes I'm up at 3.00am work at 4/5am lol I'm a key holder at a GPS surgery and clean for them it has to be done before surgery opens its knackering but I enjoy it :)) thanks for writing all that yes I agree admitting that gambling has beaten us is a major step in recovery, I'm getting there just about there totally believing that it has beaten me and I surrender it can win but no more from me it's taken more than enough. I do feel positive that fear thing really hit a nerve. I also had counselling today and that helped with more ideas of what to do with my time etc definitely going to be replacing the addiction to gambling. Yes at moment I'm taking it virtually one hour at a time my heads still a bit of a mess from yesterday but I'm still positive :))) thank you Alan x hi RA thank you yes I do want it badly and with ppl like you on here it helps so much. Yes that's another thing I too struggled with that I could never gamble again nothing even no scratch cards lottery nothing, but I'm getting there. Thank you RA your support means a lot :))) Lu x

Well done 1 day there's no going back for me now, I still feel sick (as well as still rough) from yesterday heads still a bit of a mess but feel positive. Had counselling it helped me see some other things relevant which will help. Building up that arsenal slowly but surely to shoot down gambling, it's took so much no more, said this before but I've put all I've learnt into this recovery and advice has sunk in properly. I do feel sad that it's took so much from me but am letting go once and for all Best wishes everyone x

Hi Lu , Glad the counselling went well for you , it helps to open up and explore different ideas , you can then take it all on board use what suits and ditch what doesn't but don't dismiss trying anything Hun :)) .

You really need a little time to chill a bit and try to relax , easier said than done I know but after all the up's and downs of the last week or so you probably need it , a bit of comedy or music's always good I find and it may get that Image of my shaved bits out of your head ( sorry that sounded so wrong in many way's ) :(( Maybe thinking of Deano's one shaved leg could be a better and far more atractive focus for your now traumatised mind ? .

Anyway , stay safe Lu and if you find things getting tough come on here and have a good old rant ,not only does it make you feel better but as my good friend Martin ( Oldham on here ) say's " It's better to Ramble than Gamble " :))

Talk to you soon Lu , take care xx

So how you doing today Lu ?

Hi Alan I'm doing good! This time it's so different from last times I've been busy this morning at work I gave a deep clean and felt great cos before I just couldn't wait to get home to gamble or try and find money to gamble and last few times I've quit I was so down I didn't feel like work. I can honestly say I've next to no urges! Can't believe it Alan tbh! I think I owe you loads because it's what you said that helped me so much about the fear of letting go. Today I also got some money of my hubby for my birthday and instead of gambling I bought some makeup and new boots to wear when we go out for my birthday it felt so good actually seeing a result for my money :))) the only thing I can say that's troubling me is some diaries I've read have been gf for years then went on every few month to binge etc I caught myself thinking if I'm gf for a while maybe I can have a flutter and stop again but that's a lie isn't it? Just gambling trying to lure me back in. I'm a compulsive gambler and can never gamble again. It's daunting but now I've 'let go' of the fear I know I can do it. Counsellor also gave me code for betfilter for my lap top for free :))). Just need to sort my phone out that is a danger so going to get K9 put on and my friend to do password. Feel better with blocks this good feeling can't last me thinks the urges will come sooner or later :(( Alan your shaved bits haven't traumatised me lol I found it so funny lol! But yes Deano shaved leg might be better vision! Lol! Thanks Alan for caring it means a lot you've helped me so much. I should imagine I'll be on here ranting soon but I'm just going to make most of this feeling 🙂 I've learnt from counsellor aswell to plan for high risk situations and free time is my biggest one so got some baking stuff in and looking at voluntary work just few hours also there's voluntary work I can do at home because I've got my dog I'm limited how long can be out especially as she hates being on her own, wrecks and things :/. I love being with her though cos she's like my baby lol. But I need to fill my time more. Thanks Alan :))) how are you? You give so much to other ppl on here what about you lol Lu x

Hi Lu , great to hear your feeling much more positive and have lots of plans put in place and you do sound so different this time , got a bit worried whe I didn't see you around so much so I thought I'd just check up on you but good to see my fears were unfounded :)) .

The diarys you speak off , well I can understand your fear but it's you not them you have to concentrate on , in recovery you sort of have to become a little selfish , I don't mean in a bad way but by looking after your own recovery more it benefits all your family around you if that makes sense , some relapse and some don't but I think if you understand how things work in our gambling brains and as your counciller has said be ready and prepared for those times when it get's a little tough and it will Lou , it does for us all and that's the time you need things in place that'll help get you through , the blocks and things to distract you will all work and help to keep you safer . Some of those blocking software things don't work so well on iphones and others so if you have aproblem then maybe speak to gamcare that have knowledge on that subject but you could always look at downgrading your phone to a non internet one ( A house brick ) it's a bit drastic but it would ensure you couldn't acces a site that way at least ?

I think regarding your other question like to believe we could go back to being " A Responsible Gambler " if such a thing exsists ? but I think as you say that is a lie , I feel that once you cross that line where you can't control your gambling , that's pretty much it and you have to accept that for life youv'e always got to be on your guard . There's lots of different opinion's on here and also about what's classed as gambling , ie lottery , scratchcards but I think you have to say if your spending money on something in the hope of winning more money that's gambkling full stop .

I wish I could have controled it and did try a few times and everytime it didn't end well so now I just accept I'm not going to gamble again and if that's one day at a time then so be it , it's not a problem unless you look at it as a problem :)).

Thank you for asking and I'm well thank you , I really don't have the urges anymore and I'm reaping the benefits of being gamble free for 14 months , It's all improved Lu really it has , I'm enjoying each day as it comes and it's so nice not worrying about bills coming in or searching out new loans and Creditcard deals , just love spending time with my loved ones and like you my Dog who also wont leave me , if I go out in the car or for a walk she's there , even comes to work and sits in her lovely warm kennel just outside my prep room at the shop , it's like having a really clingy kid at times LoL ! .

Ok now I know your fine I'll leave you n peace again but I'll probably catch up soon , never far away so if you need to know anything or want a chat you know where to find me Lu .

Have a great day Hun xx

Hi Alan x yes I'm definitely different this time but it's 'lurking' I can feel it but determined to stay positive and use my will power too. Yes I've also chilled out like you said previously I watched some DVDs cuddling up to my dog lol. I'm being good to myself this time instead of punishing myself, yep got to be selfish but in a good way like you say. Yes I've seen the different ideas what constitutes gambling for me personally I'm staying away from everything as it weakens my resolve! So glad your happier now and that's amazing gf time! Your smashing it!. Awww so you have clingy kid too lol Jasmines so loving and demanding lol. Ah I bet your dog loves spending all that time with you :)) thanks Alan for checking up on me, I'm under no illusion that those urges will come and I'll be ranting lol, at moment I'm still thinking about it a lot but seeing it more for what it is which makes me not want to but I'm still thinking of it so I'm prepared I hope! I'm on here several times a day I get comfort from others diaries and laughs at shaved bits and legs lol. Thankyou so much Alan spk soon have great evening Lu x