Day one of what I hope is a new and normal life

Thank you for sharing that 

It sounds like you are going through a very challenging time but it also sounds like you have a supportive partner.

There are numerous options for support available to help you stop gambling. We advise self-exclusion schemes and blocks. Our helpline is also open 24/7 and one of our advisors would be more than happy to take your call. We can refer you on to one to one support if you would like. 

Thank you

Day t

It's been a tough day which I knew it would be as it's Saturday. Although I have gambled every day and thought about it all the time, Saturday was always my "big day" with lots of horse racing followed by online casino in the evening. I was dreading waking up and as usual, my normal bad sleeping pattern meant I woke up at 530. Most times the demons would take over and I would be up gambling online for a few hours before placing 100s of combination bets. I am so ashamed of myself writing this. I was surprised that i didn't think about placing a bet and went back to sleep until 8am. Got up and my partner had been awake all night. Didn't really know what to do so tried to talk to her a bit but she was very tired. I love her to bits and can't get over all the lies I've told and don't know why. The addiction has taken over and the last five years since covid have just accelerated everything to a point where I feel I was Brittains most addicted gambler. I have a non verbal autistic son and my daughter has epilepsy. She's battled through her GCSEs and A levels to get to University to study mental health. I am so proud of her but feel I've let both of them down. 

Back to today, I was coping ok but then all afternoon i've been thinking about looking up the horse racing results. The demons creep back in. I guess the not wanting to gamble side is because I've put the blocks in GamStop, GamBan on all devices and blocked my bank cards from gambling transactions. I'm so pleased I've finally done that and self excluded for the maximum 5 years. To ensure this worked i even closed down and self excluded for five year on my numerous betting accounts. How there is no check to stop people opening multiple ones of these is quite frankly staggering. 

I've managed to stop myself looking at the results and I've noticed that I haven't been looking at my phone every two minutes or listening on headphones. I walked to my supermarket today twice with my daughter and although it was wet and cold it was amazing to talk to her and actually listen. Made me realise I don't do that and just one more of the Harms I have been thinking about today and beating myself up about. Appetitite for food has still gone and have been feeling sick a lot today. Don't know if it's missing gambling, stress from debts or impending being sacked or further action, or regret for Harms, or the anti depressants my doctor has put me on.

On the way back from the second walk to the supermarket to buy a puzzle book to fill my time I suddenly had thoughts of online fruit machines and the reels going through my mind. i tried to think about something else but then my brain was thinking "no you enjoy it, think about it" . Lasted only for a few minutes but I remember going to be thinking about nothing else for the last few years and it made me feel disgusted with myself. 

I am worried that i don't know what normality is like anymore. I look at other people and see they are happy and they don't gamble so i need to work out what that's like. 

I wanted to go to both chatroom sessions today but my daughter had a hospital appointment so i couldn't go this morning. Went to the one tonight which was busy and very helpful with some amazing people who have been GF for years. It helps to know it's possible

hi stuart......hope ur wife sleeps better tonight.....great start......well done,.....c u tomo adam

Day 4 Has been really tough. I woke up feeling sick, again all day just like yesterday. I was looking forward and dreading an assessment call from a counselling service at 5 today but she was amazing. Had a lot of anxiety when they didn't ring at exactly 5 which is unreasonable and ridiculous. 

She said to take things one day at a time but that's difficult to do with so much stress coming from different angles and I'm worried sick about all of it. I don't understand what's happened in the last ten years. Betting has always been beyond my means but the last ten years and especially since covid have got a whole lot worse. The last few years, i feel I have lost my mind. I can't remember things that I have done. I've done things without any morals which is not me. I have an incredible family so why did i do the things I've done. 

It's difficult to explain to my dearest that the last 20 years haven't all been false and I was there but with all the lies and living a secret life, using her details and much more, she doesn't believe me. She is incredibly supportive and I can't blame her for being in as darker place as me right now. I am getting overwhelmed by everything and all the support that has been offered and I have asked for. She has written me a list of people to contract tomorrow and an itenary for the day as I can't keep track of things at the moment. My mind is all over the place, stress is worse than it's ever been and it's difficult to know what to tackle when everything needs tackling. Some aspects are out of my control

Day 5

I've not had any urges to gamble today but it's only day 5. I've had another day of a lot of calls trying to get help with my mental health as well as legal help. Getting nowhere on both. Went to the chat rooms tonight which really helped but then felt very stressed again thinking about all my problems. Have spent the last hour googling to try and find an online health chat service but can't see to find one anywhere

I just wanted to see how you are getting on, its a tough journey and I was hoping you had managed to find the help you wanted

Hi Deborah

Thank you for the reply. Finding it very tough with my mental health which I never realised was a problem. Today was a tough day to get out of bed and I'm struggling to function. I'm getting lots of support on here, GA has been amazing since my first meeting on Tuesday and I am waiting on Breakeven to ring me. It seems I am getting help with the gambling side of things and really needed the peer support but to get some mental health counselling is impossible. Tried Mind, GP etc and even Shout but long waiting lists

Day 17

Not been writing on my diary for a while because it's been a very tough ten days. Gambling urges are manifesting themselves but it's easier to say no because of all the blocks in place. Not sure what would have happened if they weren't. Last ten days have seen a formal investigation into me at work which ended up with gross misconduct sacking after 26 years of being MD on the company that I originally set up. I lost my shares to gambling and now my job there. The last ten days have been very stressful with family. I think I have lost all my friends especially those that I played golf with. Company car went on Friday so it was tough waking up yesterday with no job, no money coming in and no car. This is an awful awful illness. Although hitting rock bottom was the push I am so glad I finally realised after 42 years that I am a compulsive gambler.

GA has been an amazing help and I've been to two meetings. They have a whatsapp group where you can reach out for support and it's good to listen to their shares and mine without being judged and have lots of similarities to each other all being compulsive gamblers. Breakeven CBT starts next week and I am going to tackle my debts to find a solution as I can't pay any of them. Gamcare money advisers booked in for a call on Tuesday and will be contacting StepChange for advice. 

One thing I never realised was the affect on my mental health from gambling. It's done a lot of harm to me as well as others. Changed my personality and I need to get back to the "good" guy that I am, not half that and half gambler. I'm on the waiting list for Mind and Qwell. If anyone is reading this post, I would suggest looking at your own mental health and if you need it, reach out for support. This isn't easy giving up when it was such a big part of life so I've reached out for all the help I can as I am determined never to gamble again

@lp5vut869c Hi Stuart

Just read all your diary entries so far and just wanted to say “well done” for  making that start on giving up on something you have done for so long 👏👏👏👏. 

You are doing all the right things and credit to you that you are doing these whilst feeling both physically and mentally at your lowest. The best thing you could have done/have done, is to put Gamcare/Gamblock on all your devices for 5 years and blocked your bank cards 👌. These do really help to just “stop us in our tracks”, when we get those strong urges/thoughts.

Contacting Stepchange is also good. I have been with them for a number of years and the advice/support they offer/provide is fantastic 👌.

keep going day at a time and remember, while you are not gambling, you are also not losing anymore money to those rich gambling establishments 💪.

Take care and I look forward to following your progress 🤞🙏.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

One month 9 days gamble free now. The chatrooms on here have been an amazing help with advice from other members. Breakeven counselling is going well and my weekly GA meeting is a huge help. The Xmas period is tough because I always had two weeks off work to watch all the big horseracing but not felt any bad urges so have got through

I still can't get over how the so called responsible betting processes didn't protect me at all and none of them asked for a bank statement which would have shown over 30 betting accounts and multiple debts

@lp5vut869c Well done Stuart 👏👏. Keep doing the same day at a time 👍.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Stuart..... in forty mins its midnight.......and that means youve reached 50 days gamble free i believe?

I have to say youve been a breath of fresh air since you have come to the site.....

Youve gone thru some huge implications due to your gamlbing.....

Tough lessons to learn.....

But this 50 days is the hardest bit over.....

Youve now built the habbit.....

A fresh lifestyle.....keep walking thru january and february and come on chat everyday...... as these habbits have helped you.....

Lets continue to help newbies now on gamcare and show them the way that youve allready paithed for yourself.....

Many congrats

Adam

Hi Stuart you are doing amazing dont ever doubt yourself one thing about this addiction you always think of the worst negativety is associated with this addiction its an awful way of thinking these gambling establishment do not care how much u are worth whether u can afford it their goal is to bleed u dry knowing the addiction will take over and all rational thinking will be out the window. Since i have started researching into my recovery i have learnt this addiction can beat the greatest minds i use to assume i was not intelligent and has i didnt do great in life thats why i fell for this stupid gambling i was completely wrong i realise now this addiction is capable of destroying anyone howevee it also possible with the right support no matter what situation u are in does get better  50 days must feel amazing i am proud of you 👏

Day 68 

of my recovery journey, one day at a time. I've been very bad at posting on my diary but I've been spending a good 14 to 16 hours every day on my recovery. Between Gamcare chatrooms, reading the topics and replying where they resonate with me, watching youtube recovery stories, GA, connecting to others in this community which is the most expensive club to join in the world, listening to podcasts, counselling, research into this illness and walking. In face my steps app told me this weekend that I have now walked to Paris. It will be interesting to see where I will be in the world in terms of steps on day 365. 

I've loved the fact that with Gamcare, Gamban and Evive app I keep a constant remind of the number of days, the clock I never want to reset. Someone in GA said that it's not how long since your last bet, it's how long until your next which is so true. I've been spending a lot of self discovery work on my brain to understand it more and exactly who I am. After 44 years of gambling since the age of 12 I can't remember who I truly am. I always thought I was a people pleaser but I've fought with that as I don't like anyone bestowing accolades on me. I like to excel at everything I do but that's more about putting full effort into it (unfortunately that counted for gambling as well), I like to be the best but I don't want anyone telling me. I've realised since giving up that I'm not a people pleaser, I just love helping people. No ulterior motive, just the joy of helping people however small a big it ease. 

I'm learning to stay in the present. We can only affect tomorrow by what we do today. If we just concentrate on today then we aren't spending wasted time and energy on worrying about the future. No one can predict that and if you don't work on today then you cannot change the future. We also cannot change the past. I can't forget the past but if I dwell on it then it will be a negative in recovery and I need all the energy I can muster for that. I don't think 44 years of gambling is a badge of honour but I need to use that as my motivation and energy source in recovery. To remind myself not to go back but it's all about one day at a time. I spoke to a friend on the phone from GA the other day who is 12 years GF. He said, If I make it to 13 years GF.....that was an amazing statement after all those years that no one can ever be complacent about gambling and how it could strike at any point. It's so annoying that the addiction talks in my own voice to me. It's almost like it's being paid the bookmakers. After nearly ten weeks I never expected my brain to rewire the 44 years of cognitive behaviour and I switch the voice off quickly, but it's still annoying, why couldn't it be an annoying voice from someone who doesn't know me lol.

I've come to realise that the more we learn, the more we understand. It not only equips us to help others in the space but that support is always two ways. Connection means so much in this space. I am sure many of you like me, led a second life in gambling, secrets, lies and dived deeper and deeper into a solitary space where the loneliness was replaced by the addiction or illness, whatever you would like to call it. Addiction is a fake friend but at least I recognise that's exactly what it is, that I don't need it and every day gets better. I want to spend the rest of my life improving the person I am, each day, one tiny step at a time. Never look back, don't look forward just concentrate on today and being GF Just for today