Day one of what I hope is a new and normal life

well said stuart...... a deep dive into ur recovery....... i find my diary is the most important part of my days recovery...... all the best adam ps itll be one way traffic against city....... maybe a 1 nil victory but im secretly hoping for a city win

I ssaw in chatroom that youd like to do some interviews with us...... i wouldnt want to do it over the phone as i like the anonymity of this site but if u ask me a question at a time on mine or ur diary here im subscribed to both so would be happy to chat if it helps u?

Hi Adam

Someone suggested it not me mate. I might do one next year but there's no point until I know a lot more about recovery. This year is all about research, self discovery and most importantly listening to others. I don't blame you. Would you do a podcast or would that be a step too far ? It's a long long way off and probably wouldn't do it. I potentially would like to work with someone like Evive to create the app over here as a one stop shop to help people but it would have to compliment Gamcare 

Hi Stuart.

Lovely to see that you are still going strong and remaining g.f 👏👏👏.

I have noticed also that you are offering lots of support to others on here too! This is really nice of you as not everyone on here responds to other people’s diaries/progress.  After all, we all like a bit of praise/encouragement 😊.

Take care and enjoy the rest of your week.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Thank you pink lady. We are all on here to support each other and just share what's worked for us. I've got 44 years of gambling misery to fix in my head

Hello Diary

Day 74 gamble free, a clock that is really meaning something to me each day but recognise this is one day at a time. 

It's been a strange week. I've not really had any urges over the 74 days but like everyone I've had gambling thoughts. In the first few weeks these were quashed easily in my brain (annoying that addiction talks to you in your own voice, the one person you trust more than anyone in the world) within seconds by thinking I have the blocks in place so I can't gamble. I have all the blocks and I know there could be ways around these barriers but they would take anything up to a day, by which time the thought would have gone. As time has gone on, when I have a thought about placing a bet or playing slots, there is more to the quash. I still think I have the blocks in place but I can hear me telling myself, I don't do that anymore and I don't want to. So everything was going well.

All of a sudden in the week I had thoughts, not gambling but directly linked to my life in action like being wasteful with money. I can't even remember what i was thinking about buying but I am so glad I recognised this as some sort of blind spot. It's almost like my addiction has tried the head on approach and is now coming through the back door. It's worrying as I want to make sure I notice what they are so I have told everyone I know and to speak out if I mention anything that might be one of these. Ridiculous how your brain works especially where addiction is involved. 

I've found an app which spans across USA and UK called evive. Think if you want to download it, then it's get evive and I've added this to my support network. Between GA, Gamcare, counselling and evive, these are becoming the major parts of my support network and are very important to me, helping me stay in recovery and learn more about my illness. Gambling has no boundaries or borders. 

I've spent the week thinking about the subliminal messages from betting organisations even down to the names.

It would be funny if they were forced to only advertise under their licence so it would be bet with us 118455 lol

It's also worrying that I only notice the betting adverts now. That means when I was in action they were going into my brain subliminally

I have two VIP handlers on my 35 online accounts. I realise now that they would ring each month, ask me about golf, how I was, any holidays planned, what I was doing at the weekend and how was work. They would then go through my losses and finish by giving me a bonus. Generally known in psychology as Praise, BollxxCk Praise. Most people gamble for escapism and being lonely. They befriended me on these calls to make themselves out as friends giving me deposit bonuses, free tickets to exclusive sports and music events. They were always desperate to know what my interests were and who I supported.

On one site I used to get 50 free £2 spins for staking 500 in a week which was easily done. Then they changed this to the same amount but staking went up to 1000 a week. How could they do that in terms of responsible gambling. Surely they should have said they had to make a financial decision and reduce it to 25 spins instead of 50 but keep the staking the same rather than encourage me to spend more. 

How are they allowed to run leaderboard competitions to encourage higher spends to get near the top as we all want to win. 

I looked at my bank statements which was tough to do. I noticed on many days I made 25 gambling deposits. Fair enough if they were across many companies and they wouldn't know about each other but these were to the same company and there were no questions about responsible gambling and if I was ok

A lot of the time I would spend 6 to 12 hours playing one slot online but again no one questioned this as to whether I was a compulsive gambler

Gambling through to 4am in the morning then starting again at 8am, no questions asked

Some organisations asked for bank statements. I either refused or supplied them but either way they saw I had a problem and closed the accounts. Why did the other 35 not do this, especially the major brands, never asked once. Many relied on old payslips or P60s because they knew I had a problem and didn't want to cut me off.

With some companies I would place around 500 bets in a day especially on Saturday. How could they not question that ? 

I bet on pretty much every sport our there so that was a sign of irresponsible gambling surely.

They share information between them on anyone that looks like they are money laundering or have an edge because it costs them money but not share details of anyone who has multiple accounts and I had 17 x monthly loss limits of my salary 

I'm not bitter but responsible gambling and social responsibility is a joke. If any of them had just asked for bank statements

Day 82

Really must get into a better routine of writing this diary each day as it's not only therapeutic but is also good to look back on and see the milestones and how the journey goes. This last week has been nuts. Although life is getting better everyday and I've still not really had any urges, only thoughts, it's not been the best of weeks. No move on the work front yet and still not sure what i want to do. Would like to work in the recovery sector next year and am getting bits of advice but that's next year. Money will run out in about two months so need to decided what to do for the next 9 months or more. Not sure I want to go back to be an MD for anyone, not least of all go back into the media industry so it's all up in the air. As Pink Lady reminded me, one day at a time isn't just for gambling recovery but all aspects of life so I will wait to see what happens.

This week my partner asked me to leave the family home. No major argument or reason but it's probably been brewing since day one. Went down and stayed with my parents but then she asked me to come back. Not really talked since I got back home which isn't good but I don't want to push her. She won't reach out for help and I can't make her either. I told my GA group on whatsapp what was going on and would have to leave the group but hoping I will be hear still and able to go on Tuesday. I've decided to put the 12 steps on hold as I need to work things out here. I can see the steps are going to be amazing, even though I haven't finished step 1 but I need to fully commit and can't do that at the moment.

Still spending hours each day working on my recovery. I love it and treat it like my job. Love being on here, going to chatrooms and reading the stories. I've added the evive recovery app to my support network which is good. Try to watch 2 or 3 recovery videos on youtube each day or podcasts. It's amazing that wherever the interviews are from, States, Australia or anywhere, the addiction is the same wherever you are, Just different terms. Counselling with Breakeven has been incredible, GA, family and friends. I feel I have an incredible support network and can turn to whatever I need at the time. 

There are some amazing people in the recovery space and goes to show that none of us are bad people, just made bad decisions. 

I don't know if anyone reads this diary but for anyone that does, keep strong and every day that goes past I know there is a solution 

Stuart 

Inspiring to read how much you've thrown yourself into recovery. I think it really needs it, especially in the first few months. When I finally admitted defeat and owned up to my addiction I did exactly that. I spent hours in here, or online researching. It replaced my addiction in a way. I think my relapse was partly down to the fact that I had stopped doing this so much. It allowed me more time to think about gambling. I realised that if I was to lead a normal life, I would have to find ways to fill that time with other things. I now read books, do jigsaws, run, cook, anything to take my mind off the old ways. I still spend allot of time reading things in here. I think I always will, and it's stories like yours that resonate. Very similar to me. Years of gambling. Years of torment, deceit, lies. Relationships ruined. Trust maybe never to be regained (certainly not in my case!). Gambling changes you as a person, and quitting changes you again. I'm not sure who the real me is. Gambling me is a fool. Not gambling me is better, but I'm now more guarded. I worry more. Who knows what I'd be like if I never gambled.

Anyway. Keep posting. It's good for the soul and it helps others more than you realise. 

Stay strong 👍 

Hi Weirdfish 

Thank you for the reply, it's something we will never fully understand, how we got sucked in and allowed the industry to use us, somewhat willingly . It's such a shame that there isn't the knowledge in people who don't have the addiction, although obvious they think, just give up, you are being selfish

One day maybe

At least I have an amazing support network and it's growing

Stuart

Day 87 GF

It's been a bit of a tough week. Can't pin point exactly why but I've been down for a few days now. Probably just a lull. The other day I decided to put up my story which was the whole thing. It hurts to write and took me four hours but was uplifting to finish and I love the comments.

Things are going to take a long time to repair with my partner but that's understandable and I'm taking each day, one day at a time. That saying means so much now from GA

Watched some great recovery videos this week on the modern meeting. Read all the new topics on here, Reddit and the Evive app. They are so sobering and it's a bit of recovery medicine each day. 

NHS mental health counselling still hasn't started so that's nearly three months from referral. All I've had is a consultation and then on another waiting list

Chatrooms was quiet tonight which is unusual 

Anyone reading this is would say that recovery is all about connection and the 8pm chatroom is connection. The support in that room is amazing 

Day 89 GF

Still a bit down but I think I am falling off the "pink cloud" and the honeymoon period is ending. I was expecting plenty of bumps in the road and rather than escaping to another world in action, it's time to stop running away and facing up to life on life's terms. One day at a time but I hope I can get through tomorrow and hit my 90 days which will hit on the same day as my GA meeting and a new key ring. Amazing how at the age of 56 these milestones mean so much after all those years of misery and chaos. Wednesday will hopefully be 3 months and a week Friday is 100 days. Something i never would have said would be possible in November last year

Hoping everyone on here stays strong in your own journeys

@lp5vut869c Hi Stuart.

Sorry to read you are feeling down. I think this is quite normal when going through the recovery process ☹️. Please keep reminding yourself however, of how amazing you have done so far and are continuing to do. Ninety days is a massive achievement and one to be congratulated on!

The effort you also put in supporting/replying to others on here is commendable - not everyone bothers. I think it is so nice and motivational to receive comments and support from fellow people on here 👍.

Keep your chin up. You are doing fantastically 👏👏👏.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Thank you pink lady and I hope your journey is going well. Would be great to speak one day on the 8pm chatrooms on here 

Stuart well done 90 days is great achievement it takes time to heal i am trying to be more positive person it took me a long time to forgive myself it also hard knowing how the whole gambling industry and the government is part of the problem unlike other addictions takes some responsibility sadly this is out of my control if their was an options not to view such adverts would be step in the right direction unfortunately i have no control over this i can only do whats available to me because its legal it not morally correct to take advantage of addicts lottey scratch cards fobt fruit machines are in far to many places sadly alot of people see it as making a living and this isnt even online gambling the problem already existed before online gambling and its only gone from bad to worse with crypto currency trading etc 

@lp5vut869c Hi Stuart

I did go on the chat rooms one night last week. Haven’t been on them in such a long time. I did wonder whether I might get to chat to you but your name did not come up! I will try and get on one night next week.

Take care.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.