Day one of what I hope is a new and normal life

Not quite yet mate but one day at a time. Felt a bit down late yesterday and not slept well so went for a walk. Just one of those odd feelings 

Day 148 gamble free

So last night I got hit with a two hour "what's the point" feeling. Wallowed in self pity about the present state of my life and how worrying the future looked. I'm always honest now so I wanted to share that on here as a reminder to myself. I don't take it as a bad thing and it strengthened my determination today and another layer to remind me never ever be complacent. I don't know where it came from. I can't see any trigger. Certainly not recovery fatigue. I'm going to put it down to one of those things that happen without explanation. No thought to gamble and that safe space just simply isn't anymore and the lies my addiction told me are lies now.

This morning I woke up and did my gratitude list. In GA there is a description of the dream world of the compulsive gambler. Cars, houses, gifts etc. It doesn't need to, but it doesn't say the dream world in recovery. My dream world I am living and loving now. It doesn't involve any of the empty promises of gambling. I realise now that when I gambled I was some what happiest when the balance was zero. The balance is zero in recovery and I don't mind. My life is good now.

So today was a good mix. ADHD diagnosis for my autistic son, physical appointment in the car followed by a one and a half hour zoom with an amazing doctor her really knew her stuff. Looked after him while my partner went to work for a few hours. Quick kip after an awful night's sleep or lack of it, following the sledge hammer self pity episode, then off to meet some GA friends for a Chinese before a good GA meeting. Long drive there and back but it was worth it.

Looking forward to the new Evive zoom meeting next Thursday at a UK happy time of 6pm. Sorry for the plug but im excited about it. 

Onwards on a manageable upward trajectory, one day at a time 

@lp5vut869c morning stuart, I think there is something in the air as had a very similar day to you too! I suppose one thing to take from this is how you were able to stay grounded through those feelings, because it's really easy to stay on this path of recovery when we feel strong, less so when the harder days hit. so every hard day you have builds your resilience even further, and that's exactly what happened yesterday for you!

I hope you are feeling a little better today, maybe alongside your gratitude list you could do yourself a little vision board, so you have something visual to look at every day - maybe a disaster board too of things that represented how life was when you were gambling, and then your vision board to represent how life is now, you could have it stuck up somewhere you can look at it every day in the house, or have it on your computer/phone screensaver etc so you can look at both and think whcih one do I choose today? I think I might do the same!

sending positive thoughts and energy your way this morning. 

Hi Hopeful

Thank you for dropping by, I do have a disaster list stuck to the chest of drawers in my bedroom as a stark reminder, and I think it's a great suggestion. Also love your suggestion of vision boards which can be amazing. Without going into detail, my addiction took everything from me and it may take my freedom. My future will be decided by someone else at some point so I can't think about that. There is also a way of looking that there is no such thing as tomorrow. Tomorrow will of course become today and for the time being I have to concentrate on today. That said, I'm so glad you mentioned visionary boards as someone will see that and it's a great prompt to have goals in picture format that are achievable through hard work and not gambling. 

I'm just going to post something on your diary 

149 Days Gamble Free (late post for yesterday) 

Good day today. Spent the morning taking my daughter for a kidney scan which looks ok thank goodness. 

Did some shopping for my mum's birthday even though she said, all she wanted was for me to be 4 months gamble free as that will be the day.

Did some more step 4 work and GA this evening which is 21 of the 90 meetings in 90 days 

Day 150

Sounds like a good number

Spent day clearing part of the house out and made delivery down to parents to put in their garage.

Went to GA online for the Saturday drop in this afternoon which was meeting 21 of 90 meetings in 90 days. 

Chatroom was great tonight as always 

Day 151 part one

Felt I should put a diary entry up as it's two milestones in a row. Today marks 5 months gamble free which I still can't believe. I know how I've done it but still can't believe the difference to Stuart today and the last 44 years of chaos, madness and sheer misery. Im so happy today, one day at a time that on the 19th November I closed the door of gambling, switched the light off and never want to go back. That's a thought and it's down to me to action that thought. 

If I can get to six months, I think I will read back through my diary as a reminder and reflection of those days. So today has been 151 one day at a times and today is another one 

@lp5vut869c Well done Stuart.

Now go and make sure you treat yourself to a wonderful day celebrating your Mum’s Birthday with your family!🎂🍾🥂🩷. It’s the small things in life remember!

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

@j5a6meyr4z 

Thank you Pink, having a lovely afternoon with her and just let the girls go out for a walk and fresh air so currently trying to juggle looking after my bed ridden Dad and watch my autistic son who likes to find danger in everything 

That said, I'm present and loving every minute 

Day 151 part two

What a fantastic day. Completely present all day. We gave my mum and incredible birthday. My partner cooked home made chicken cordon bleu which was amazing, Mash and roast potatoes, broccoli spears, asparagus and Cauliflower followed by profiteroles and strawberry trifle !!!!

She loved the presents and I picked my dad up out of his bed and got him into a wheelchair so he could sit and eat with her. This year they will be married for 64 years, she is his full time carer and they are as in love as much if not more than the day they got married. They are my parents, my heros and my best friends. I don't deserve them for all the harm I have caused them but no more. I drive the hour down to see them at least three times per week to help out which is all I can do. Just wish they lived next door. 

Great chatroom tonight.as always and hopped onto a GA zoom which is 23 meetings in a row of my 90 meetings in 90 days. Long way to go, one day at a time. 

Very happy day but then happiness comes from within. If we smile it exudes out to others in the world so paying it on 

Day 152 part one

Meant to post this earlier as I really want to see if I am sticking to my routine so will do a tick box session later.

Pray

Mediate

Gratitude list

Get ready

Breakfast

Walk

Shopping

Charge car

Wash car

Ironing

Washing

Chatroom at 1

Chatroom at 6

Meet my son off bus and look after him until Mother in law takes over 

GA this evening 

Modern meeting 

152 days part 2

Well managed to get everything done apart from a full walk, did a short one, and didn't wash the car so those will go on tomorrows list. Still a good day to get all of that done. 

Amazing GA meeting tonight, very powerful and a lot of love in the room.

Just remembered that I didn't make the 6pm chatroom as well unfortunately 

Day 153

I've thought for a long time they recovery is about changing the journey, adding and removing. I've made two decisions today. I'm dropping down from 4 in person GA meetings as I'm missing the chatrooms too much on here so Fridays will now be chatroom 8pms. Secondly, not a major change but I've always wanted to get to 200 days gamble free. I will still look at my number but the next thought will be how many more days to 200, one day at a time. Well do the same for milestones through to one year gamble free. I'm doing some work on breaking down my goals into mini goals rather than looking at something so high it's daunting. 

Loving life means living life, today I'm doing both

Day 154

Really good day today.

Drove down to see parents this morning. Looked after Dad while mum went shopping. Good conversation as always with my 12 steps sponsor. Came back to meet my son off his school transport. Zoom meeting at 7, chatroom at 820 and GA online at 9. One hour step work and spent some more time on here. 

All good really 

Day 155 gamble free

Late entry for yesterday as mother in law was rushed to hospital so was on standby to pick her up. She is home and is ok now and picked her up at 2am. 

Yesterday was a good day up until 6pm as above. Thank goodness she is ok though. 

Chatroom was great

6pm new zoom was amazing and so relaxed. Started with Sam doing a 15 minute chat about urges and the science behind him, followed by a discussion. Some very good people in the room and hope more come from here on future Thursdays.

Went to GA online at 9 which is meeting 27 of 90 in 90 days. Couldn't get down to my 2nd home GA meeting as was on standby to pick in laws up.

So in terms of things within my control, it was a cracking day. Also washed car, picked up meds and did shopping