Day one of what I hope is a new and normal life

Wow Mods. You have me in tears, not for the first time this morning. The support on here is just amazing. I always thought that but even more so now. I will never thank everyone enough.

Just for today I face the demons of addiction. I hold my head up and face my wrong doings. I cannot have this sitting in the background and whatever happens is meant to be. The most important thing is my recovery and this will not stop that. I no longer look for an escape route 

@lp5vut869c I love this post Stuart, your gratitude list was so heartwarming 😊 well done on 4 months gamble free and your continued support and encouragement to others. You are such an amazing friend to me and you lift me up and keep me gamble free. Keep doing what you are doing and I will always be here to support you. Hers to 5 months 🥰❤️🙏🏾

Hi Stuart, 

You've been in my thoughts a number of times today and I have been hoping and wishing for the best for you. 

Amazing progress and a huge recognition on 4 MONTHS GF. That is incredible, and you keep on showing up, putting in the effort, living in the present, and remaining focussed on the path of recovery. You shine for so many of us on here, and we are grateful for YOU. 

Hope to speak to you again very soon.

@lp5vut869c Dear Stuart

I have thought about you and what you have had to endure today so many times. As I type this, I really am praying that you have been given some breathing space to allow you to continue “righting your wrong doing”🤞🙏🙏🙏🙏.

You have said you are a good person (most of us gamblers/past gamblers are). Gambling hard however can sometimes lead us to doing things that we would never have done prior. It’s as if we are having an out of body experience, and thinking afterwards “what on earth have I done/who have I even become”?🤷🏻‍♀️🙈.

Just remember, forgiveness is commendable. Forgiveness allows someone to correct their wrong doings. Forgiveness allows someone the time to repent their sins.

I am hoping and praying that today you have been allowed some forgiveness regarding the circumstances that your gambling has led you to 🤞🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏.

We all know that gambling hard, turns us into a person that we no longer recognise in ourselves 🙈. It destroys us of our sound mind and wellbeing.

Stuart, I really do hope and pray that I see another one of your posts and you have some positive news to add 🙏.

You are in my prayers 🙏.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

You are living proof that someone can go through some of the worst and most difficult moments, yet still remain kind and full of love. Be proud of your growth, of where you're now and how
far you have come.👍

Day 120

Well it's 121 now but the entry is for the 1230 yesterday onwards

That was one of the toughest days of my life. Never been through anything like that before and I really want to say f you gambling. 

The police interview nearly slots under the night my daughter has 25 seizures and I was holding the phone to emergency services next to my ear whilst doing what I was told to keep her alive waiting for the ambulance, in the list of the worst experiences in Stuart's life.

It's Stuart's thinking (bad decisions over and over ) that got me into this mess but thank goodness I took the solicitors advice and did what I was told.

Well I got home. Thank you everyone for the amazing messages. It's been such an emotional day and when I got home I nearly collapsed with the emotion. I was met at the door by my daughter and mother in law with smiles and hugs waiting. I didn't have my phone with me in the police interview and all I could think about was will my daughter have a seizure and no one can get hold of me. Will my autistic son need picking up from school. Will me mum need help with my bed ridden dad. I felt so vulnerable without it 

I tried to get back ups in place for the above but it wasn't full proof and I was so glad to get home. I know my daughter's going to have seizures tomorrow or the day after and that's all my fault. 

This has been one tough day but I don't want any sympathy. I'm sorry that I missed my beloved chatroom but I desperately needed to indulge in some self recovery at GA. 

I love this community and all that it stands for

Just for today, I have a roof over my head, food, freedom and love in my heart

Day 121 part one

I have so much going on at the moment that I might be doing two diaries per day. It seems like my days at the moment are split between waking up and feeling one way, then getting my "head on" by around 3pm

I have received incredible support on here, Gamlearn, GA, Gamfam and evive and I can only thank everyone so much.

This morning I feel like it's the aftermath of yesterday's police interview. Reflecting I wonder how that would have gone when I was in action. Would the chaos have spiralled ? Definitely would have been pushed to the usual escapism route which solved nothing for 44 years. The problem is that I'm not that person in action. My emotions are back and it hurts even more because I am sure I am a good person. I know one day I have to stand in front of a judge to make a decision on my future and I have done wrong, but I feel losing my life within the company I built over 26 years, all of the blood sweat and tears was surely enough ? I guess not. To be unable to get a job because of the social media coverage and damaging website posts, which I deserve but don't I also deserve to earn money to support my family ? No sympathy asked for but I've not been paid since October last year and I've not claimed a penny off the government. I don't feel it's right for the government to pay for me. 

I'm sorry if any of this sounds like self pity as it's not written to encourage any. It's just rambling thoughts that I need to get out on a safe non judgemental platform which this community thankfully has through Gamcare

Day 121 part two

It's been a tough day all day. Very tired both physically and mentally after yesterday. I guess what makes me struggle with the whole experience is that I sat there, in recovery, as a good, kind, loving person and so why was I there. I know Ive done wrong and I have to come to terms with that but that wasn't the real me. Any way I don't want to get too much into self discovery analysing myself, I will leave that for my expert.

I missed my GA due to circumstances and timings so instead I took up the offer for a Chinese meal with four friends from my second home group of GA. This was the first time I've been out in four months. Not because of financials but because I don't feel comfortable enjoying myself outside of the recovery community. This is why I've not played golf for four months. I don't feel it would be right for me to smile and enjoy myself on a golf course right now. I'm on step 4 of the 12 steps so I hope this will change once step 9 is completed. I really enjoyed tonight with people from GA who don't judge and I was at peace with smiling and laughing 

Day 122 part one

Didn't get back home and to bed by gone 1am and slept until 10 which is very unusual. Woke up and so tired. Still have the thoughts running around about Thursday and that I'm not that person anymore and will never be again. I think that's what's making it worse. I wonder what I would have done in action, probably done a runner like normal and not faced up to it. That's certainly not saying I have any thoughts of going back !!!

It's all about more reflection I guess and learning to cope.

Loads more arguments with my partner. That don't ever seem to stop. One minute she is up and the other down. It seems now that the mood of our house is governed by her mood. At the end of the day it's all my fault and she needs time, probably a lot more than four months. 

It's the support of this community that kept me going, GA rooms, Gamfam zooms, counselling, basically recovery as a whole. Not always what someone replies on here directly to me but when someone shares for the first time and opens themselves up on here. The replies between people give me so much strength to know the power of lived experience talking to lived experience.

None of us look at the differences. It makes no matter whether it's slots, horses, dogs, football, scratch cards, lottery, trading, crypto, prediction markers etc. It makes no matter of religion, colour, ethnic background, age, gender. We all look at the similarities and focus on them as that's where we resonate. I've read 1000s of posts and heard 100s of shares and all of them resonate with me. That's power. That's community.

I read something amazing this week which I would love to share

The capacity to learn is a gift, the ability to learn is a skill, the willingness to learn is a choice and sharing what we've learned is a responsibility 

Day 122 part two

Rest of the day continued the same. Shattered and stuck in the shame of Thursday. I will be able to move on, I know, just not now

Great chatroom tonight at 8pm which was uplifting. Tomorrow I have green shoots with Breakeven even which is really good and anyone who is between 1 and 6 months, I would suggest it's worth doing. Then I have my step 4 first week meeting with my sponsor which will be good. Afternoon with my family. I need a normal day.

Keep strong everyone, have faith in yourselves, keep moving forward, one day at a time.

Rock bottom gave me a solid base to build my recovery 

Day 123

Late posting for yesterday but can't sleep yet again. Still can't get normal sleep back and mind thinking easy too much 

Love that number and it was a great day. Full on three hour discussion with my sponsor on step 4, really interesting

Day 124 part 1

Wow that's fine so fast and so slow. Never thought I could make it this far as I was in complete chaos and take by my addiction. Powerless was an underestimate

Today is recovery day. Mondays are a good day for me to push the pedal on my recovery and put some good work in

Listened to Tracey Stevenson podcast on youtube which was really interesting

Did some step 4 work on resentments, done of those opened a lot up and a lot of writing

Several logins on here to read topics and on Evive app.

Busy evening planned. Chatroom at 6 and 7 on here. Dash at 730 for Gamfam zoom, back on 8pm chat at around 815 then the modern meeting zoom at 12 which is my favourite part of the week

Day 125 gamble free

So that's 125 one days at a time

Around 200 meditations

400 prayers

40 plus GA meetings

8 modern meetings

Heaven knows how many online zooms

500 or more youtube recovery videos

579 posts on here

Around 150 chatrooms

14 counselling sessions

A whole load of friends on here

4 steps on the 12 steps

1.3 million steps (walking)

42 gratitude lists

42 inventorys

But most of all, I've loved every minute of recovery 

I may have a relapse in me but I don't have a other recovery so this is for good, every day, one day at a time, one moment , one small step 

In addiction I gave up everything for one thing

In recovery I gave up one thing to get everything 

Hi Stuart,

That is some list of determination and dedication to your recovery. I hope you feel immensely proud of yourself. Also - no wonder you feel like you've been in recovery for 1000 years (lol), the self discipline and investment is nothing to be scoffed at. You're giving 1million percent at this, and although in an ideal world I would prefer that both of our lives hadn't led to the need for recovery - I'm really grateful that I'm able to connect with you and follow your journey, right here, right now. 

Which of the tools and support systems you have in place do you gain the most from? Or do you think they are all equally important?

Please can I ask what the inventorys are?

I'm so pleased to hear that you have loved every minute of recovery. You have a unique fire, and it keeps on burning bright.

Let's keep walkin' 🙂

Hi Fran

Another beautiful post from the powerful Francesca, my friend and who I really hope she knows she is such a good person.

What's helped me in recovery. Well a bit of background that wasn't in my story. I grew up as the most arrogant, conceited child you could ever imagine. I was pretty much a maths genius and won a scholarship to a school, 4 places out of 10,000. For 56 years I knew everything. I couldn't be told anything. I knew more than my teachers, friends, family and bosses. It became Stuart's way or the highway. I moved into sales and I then started manipulating people and situation, all to my benefit and to feed my addiction.

After 6 days of recovery I walked into my first GA meeting. I was shaking and I sat in the chair listening to the shares. My first thought was, I've gambled for more years than you have even been on this first. Don't tell me about gambling or addiction as I know everything. After half an hour and I don't know what happened but for the first time in my life and took the cotton wool balls out of my ears and I put them in my mouth. I knew nothing about recovery and these 10 people sitting in that circle did, so listen Stuart and be taught. 

This was really when my recovery started so I have shared at meetings that I'm X days gamble free but X days minus 6 in recovery. Also means I celebrate milestones twice, 6 days apart lol. 

The most important thing to me in recovery is connection. After that first GA meeting I started talking to someone working in Costa. Just a silly conversation but it felt good. That night, I had already told my partner about the money, apologising for the past, all the elements of loans, borrowing and theft but this time I told her how I feel and how I was struggling. That connection through honesty, being able to say anything without worrying about what people think of me has been life changing. I stopped being a people pleaser and learned how to say no.

Inventory questions are part of the 12 steps in gamblers anonymous. They are a list of questions that make you think about the day and how you have acted to others and ourselves. I do one every night and send them to my sponsor, similar to my gratitude list in the morning. We talk every day at a set time convenient between us which adds to my accountability and he helps guide me in this better life. If I can finish the 12 steps then I will pass on that guidance to sponsees

You mentioned going to a meeting which is probably for the surgery you did as I got sent that through another avenue but couldn't do it. I can't recommend GA enough to you. Many groups have women at them and it's all about finding your right room. There are also plenty online but I guess you can't do that because your BF doesn't know. 

I have multi layers of my recovery but mine would be different as I don't have a job at the moment. GA is the top tier with Gamcare directly underneath.