Day one of what I hope is a new and normal life

Hi Stuart!

Day 115 for you ... did you know that in numerology, the "115 angel number" is often associated with significant life changes and the need for a positive mindset.

Okay I won't pretend I knew that without a helping hand from Google, but how amazing you've made it through to the angel number with your persistence, and focus on each day as it comes. 

Thank you for continuing to support us all in this community. You have been such a huge consistent, reassuring and positive force for me these last two weeks, and I really just want you to know that I think you're pretty wonderful. 

Hope you have a great weekend!!

Hi Fran

Thank you. Four months ago I would have read that as an ego trip but no longer. Hearing that I've given help and support is a two way thing so, thank you to you for reading, replying, sharing and becoming an active person in this amazing space. 

You vocabulary and insight is amazing so keep it up. Not meaning to sound sexist at all as I'm not, I feel so good that women are able to open up on here. I think the general public often look at gambling addicts as being old men but this addiction holds no barriers of status, gender, ethnicity, age or beliefs. It can grip any od is, the moment we over step the first line. 

I know you like reading. Have you read Bill Ws story in the big book of alcoholics anonymous. It's on page 16 onwards. It changed my life and from the very first paragraph I realised why GA uses this and doesn't change the word alcoholic as there is no need. You can view it as a free pdf online and I would love to hear your thoughts. I got very emotional reading it as it reads like my life story. 

The way I look at recovery is that I don't know how to draw or paint. I have a canvas which is framed and it's a picture that I really want to complete but never quite will as the finishing touches will be never ending. I will take my time. I know I can't paint a masterpiece but I can in time, one day at a time, learn how to create a nice picture. Each day I will work on the painting as I need to learn how to paint and not be afraid of it. The fact that I never painted doesn't draw me back to my old ways because I want to learn and practice. The fact that I have never painted should not define the future of this painting. I am going to enjoy creating this piece. Most of all after 115 days, I've just hung the frame on the wall. Tomorrow, when it become today, I will get the paints out of the box 

Day 115

Wow that numbers gone so quickly and so slowly

Getting to accept the things I cannot change more each day. Good day today, saw parents and let my mum go out shopping with my daughter to give her a break from looking after my dad, 86 and bed ridden after strokes and breaking his leg. Love spending time with him as he's my best mate and hero. He never would have done something stupid like me to get involved in an addiction and be facing a police interview next week. 

Good conversation with my sponsor again today and two other GA fellows. Met a guy from a new set up called good mind circles. Great idea of walking and talking to create connection in recovery. Check out their website and two great guys who run it. 

Did some steps work. Listened to a couple of recovery videos and of course spent time on my beloved gamcare. Lovely chatroom tonight and support for my friend Carmen who shared her story on here in the forum. Very powerful read.

Tomorrow I have green shoots with Breakeven. Session four of seven and it's great for anyone who wants to learn a bit more. 

Will be losing my counselling funding with Breakeven so have asked if I can carry on privately. Still have a lot to work through and I don't feel strong enough to lose that from my support network. Never thought counselling would make such a difference but everyone needs it and it so helps. 

Good luck to anyone reading my rambling. Stay strong. Stay gamble free and most of all Stay present, one day at a time 

@lp5vut869c Hi Stuart

Wishing you the very best of luck for this coming Thursday 🤞🙏🙏🙏.

Please be assured that you will be in my prayers until then.

Until then, take care and look after yourself.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Thank you so much Lady in Pink 🩷 You always know the right thing to say 

Day 116

Sunday. My word, I so love Sundays. I love everyday in recovery but Sundays is a good day to do service to my family. 

Woke and did my normal routine, serenity prayer, meditation and write my gratitude list. Very tired today for some reason. 

So today I went to my Green Shoots recovery session this morning with Breakeven which was really good as always. On 4 out of 7 sessions so will be sad to see them finish. 

Spent the day with family either side of some recovery work. Rang my sponsor and had a good chat. Really feel for him as he lost his mum last year so today must have been very hard. 

Rang my mum rather than texting her and had a good chat. Spoke to two fellows briefly

Bit of TV with the family and I lovely roast. 

Good chatroom tonight on here at 8 which was lively

Stay safe everyone, stay gamble free and just take life one day at a time. 

Day 117 part one

Just wanted to do a quick check in with a thank you to my brain

I don't dream very often and this past week hasn't been good on that front. Wednesday night I dreamt that I had relapsed. Woke up in a cold sweat so must have been wrestling with the thoughts. Thursday night was a dream about being arrested but people in it weren't involved etc and it made no sense. Saturday night I dreamt about saying sorry to my other director and trying to give him a hug. We had both stopped our cars and we're blocking the road, he pushed me away and wasn't interested then I woke up. All three lingered with me on those morning I woke up bouncing around my brain.

So thank goodness I had a good night's sleep and didn't have any dreams last night which I really needed 

Day 117 part two

But of a bizarre day for the second part. Went down to see my parents so I could get my Dad onto the hoist to be weighed as he is bed ridden. Two NHS people were there to weigh but aren't allowed to use the hoist ????? Anyway I got him on and he was ok. Weight was up by half a kilo which is good from the last time, he just needs to drink more like most of us 

Mind you in recovery for the first time in 56 years I like water - bizarre

So my solicitor finally confirmed he will be at the interview on Thursday. I know he's busy but I don't need the stress of not knowing. Trying to stay one day at a time, trying to stay present, trying to stay positive but my mind keeps wandering into the future and it tough, really tough. It's not the same and won't drag me back but it's getting like when I was in action. Wearing a mask in front of everyone to look brave when I'm not ok inside. I've never been in trouble before and no idea why I've got myself into this position. 

Had a call from the training guy at BetKnowMore about doing some peer support training. We were talking about Liverpool and I said he sounded like Daniel off the Addicted recovery show, at which point he said he'd just been interviewed on there. I realised that there were three new videos to listen to and I hadn't picked his one first as it was 2 hours lol. Really nice guy and a good chat about future possibilities of working in the recovery space, if a get a chance. 

Really good chat with my sponsor. Good zoom with Gamfam which is always a good bunch and another great community. Read some topics on here and went to the chatrooms. 8pm was really good with lots of friends in there

Looking forward to the Modern Meeting online tonight

Stay strong everyone, stay gamble free, One day at a time. 

@lp5vut869c 🤞🙏🩷🍎.

Day 118

Big recovery day today but I need it with the police interview only two days away. Had zoom with Gamlearn, met my sponsor, couple of podcasts and research. Great GA meeting at my home group. Spent some time on here and reading to remain in this day and not Thursday. Still been a tough day but stay positive Stuart as you have a lot of people relying on you. This is bigger than just me 

@lp5vut869c 🤞🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏💙

🩷🍎.

Day 119

Well !!!

Today I've needed some strength from the big man upstairs.

Police interview tomorrow and no that's not for a job.

So I'm on day 119, I guess you get back what you give and I've spent a lot of time on my recovery so, still no urges. With what's going on in my life, escapism would have been the answer but I have to face this. 

I absolutely know I did wrong but I feel that I've paid the price with losing the company and Job. I built that company from nothing. It was my idea and after 26 years, 15 hours per day, 7 days per week, around 360 days per year, haven't I suffered enough ?

I now have to walk into an interview when I am a good person who was overtaken by the addiction. Please anyone reading this, know where this addiction leads to. I don't know what will happen and how long I have my freedom. I need to concentrate on my recovery and not this but

I have to trust in my higher power to path the road of life for me. I have to be strong and face life on life's terms. One more bet now would be too many and 1000 wouldn't be enough. 

Today I've found it hard to stay in today. It's been a struggle to stay present, just for today. Tomorrow will become today of course and that's another matter. 

It destroys me to think I may not be on my beloved gamcare tomorrow and talk to this community. This has and continues to save my life and help me a better person, each day, day after day. I just want people on here to know that if I do disappear then I can promise you this. I have not gone back out into action but it's only because I cannot access the site for obvious reasons.

Stay strong everyone, stay present and most of all stay bet free. 

I will be celebrating my 4 months gamble free at the police station 

Hey Stuart, 

Firstly, I am so proud to hear you've reached 119 days gambling-free, even with all this added stress. That takes a lot of work, courage and determination. 

Today sounds like it is going to be quite scary, daunting and uncertain. Although I can't relate to this exact situation, I can definitely try my best to imagine how you must be feeling. 

From speaking with you in the chatroom and reading your replies to others on the forum posts, you have such an amazing way of connecting with others and providing them with guidance and hope. That shows what a wonderful person you are. 

Today sounds like it will be mentally challenging. I will keep you in my thoughts today and sending you some virtual support for this police interview.

We are always here, anytime. Hopefully, we will hear from you again soon, but as you've explained, if we don't, it's because you cannot- not because you have relapsed. 

Sending you the best of luck and support for today Stuart. 

Take Care of yourself, until we speak again. 

Brooke (Peer Support Worker)

Hi Brooke

Thank you so much, I really needed your amazing comments this morning. I only write on here and go in the chatrooms so that just one person doesnt end up like me. Gambling can only lead to three things, prison, insanity or death. I'm choosing the first option and entering the criminal justice system. I take strength and guidance from my higher power and will walk the path he lays out for me, whatever that is

This community is amazing and it's been an honour to be part of it. Whatever delay is forced upon me, I will be back, every day for the rest of my life. It's the key to my recovery.

My gratitude list today

I'm grateful for 

1. The sun is strong again today

2. The thing inside of me trying to not be afraid today

3. Being present today 

4. Being of service today

5. My meeting tonight which I hope to be at today

6. My sponsor today

7. To face my wrong doings today

8. For the process to start today

9. For the love in my heart today

10. Simply for today and all it will bring

Most of all, not gambling today. 

I celebrate four months today in a police interview, now that's timing lol

Hi  stuart @lp5vut869c)

 Congratulations on 4 months Gamble Free! A wonderful achievement.

We thank you for sharing your recovery journey with other members of the forum and chatrooms. You show us great strength, vulnerability and dignity in all that you experience in your recovery, with the ability to support others. No matter what happens today, we are here for you.

All the best

The Mods