Day one of what I hope is a new and normal life

Day 126 GF

Just one of those tough days. A lot of reflection. Counselling with Breakeven is always amazing but exhausting and opens the mind up for more exploration. Ended up meditating three times today

Dipped into two of the chatrooms tonight with a Gamlearn zoom in between. 

Steps this week has been poor. 

Read through the new posts on here 

Just for today, today was "one of those days" but just for today thats ok

Not every one day can be perfect at the time. I strive for improvement and not perfection. 

I'm on catch up now so will go backwards

Day 127

Good day. Spent the day getting the house tidy and washing up to date. Some step 4 work. Went to a Gamfam zoom which was really good and a good topic

Chatroom at 8 on here which is always good

Day 128

What a great day. Woke up and went through my daily routine. Drove down to parents and looked after my Dad to give my mum a break. Went to Gamfam zooms at lunch time and 6. Bit of family time, 8pm chatroom was really good and then more family time

Day 129 part one

This morning I'm looking forward to an open GA meeting. Apparently someone is being recognised for 50 years gamble free !!!!!

Day 129

Great morning open meeting in Worthing for GA. Excellent turn out and some amazing shares

Good chatroom at 8 with family time either side 

Day 130

Really good day today. Got some step 4 work finished. 

Had my sixth session of Breakeven green shoots recovery which is great. For anyone who is more than one month gamble free I can highly recommend it. 

This afternoon was family time with my son and then my partner and daughter came back from visiting her mother and sister. 

Good chatroom at 8pm with many friends and then went to the LA international GA meeting at 9. Good topic tonight about the GA program.

I think that so many people think GA is about giving up gambling. That's an added bonus as GA is all a out reframing the mind. 

I'm going to try and do 90 meetings in 90 days. A mix of two or three live meetings and one online on the other days. Never thought I would have that as a life goal but love that I do

Getting confused what day I am on as my apps are all showing different

So this diary entry is for Monday but I've been at GA tonight and had a long conversation with two fellows so only just got home 

What a cracking day. Had a meeting in London today within the recovery space. I noticed a different confidence, one without ego which was amazing and I'm hoping I left that character defects behind in November but need to watch out for it.

This meeting felt more than me being heard which I have written about before. It was about a community being heard. I am so grateful for that and I hope I served the tribe to the best of my humble ability 

GA was great and a full day of recovery will be completed with the modern meeting online in 19 minutes which I absolutely love

Missed the chatroom tonight which I love so much.

Am on my third meeting of 90 meetings in 90 days 

Day 133 

Good day today. Peer support this morning, met up with a fellow for a coffee before GA at my home meeting tonight. Very tired after the modern meeting early this morning but all in all very good day 

@lp5vut869c Lovely to hear Stuart and you deserve to have had a good day - and many more to come!💪🤞🙏🙏.

Take care

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Ok so I've got conflicting dates of gf now for some reason on the apps I use but I've worked it out. I also had such a busy day and didn't have time to put my diary up yesterday so this is for Wednesday 1st April and it's actually day 133 GF yesterday so I'm getting back on track. Must be an age thing 

Good day today even though I was told that our landlord is selling the house and have given us two months notice. The serenity prayer kicked into action and I can't do anything about that 

So after the usual morning routine of mediation, steps prayers and gratitude list the day started well

Had my counselling session with Breakeven which is always amazing but exhausting. It ends by starting with a few hours of reflection on the thinking it opens up with myself. 

Listened to the new podcast on the addicted recovery channel with my friend Daniel which was good and then another good friend of mine is the April Breakeven podcast. He's an amazing person and has turned his life around from going to prison to starting a walk and talk group called Good Mind Circles with another GA friend so big shout out to Lewis. No money involved just connection. 

6pm chatroom was good. Then I had my Gamlearn CJS zoom which is always emotional, a room of good people who have been overcome by addiction and ended up breaking the law and in various parts of that journey. 

Jumped onto the 8pm chatroom which I'm always grateful for and catching up with friends each night. It's such a shame they clash with my GA meetings so I can't go to all of them but when I'm not at GA, I'm on the chat. 

Straight after that jumped on the LA international GA zoom. I'm trying to do 90 meetings in 90 days and that was meeting number 5. Aiming to do 3 live meetings a week and four zooms. Once I hit 90 I will continue for as long as I can and keep my diary posted.

Dinner and chat with my family. Did some more steps work on resentments and then bed

Day 134 AM

Just wanted to remind myself to do this if I read through my diary and haven't

Did my gratitude list this morning and went back to day one of the 12 steps. That gratitude list was very materialistic in many ways where as it's changed over the time to being so much more about feelings and being connected to them more each day. I do a lot of work on myself to be the best I can each day. I know it's progress each day and not perfection. This is a long road without a finishing line. My steps inventory list each night is my opportunity to reflect over the day and ask myself if I was honest throughout the day, selfish at all, did my ego raise it's ugly head, was a kind and loving to all, did I keep a secret I should have told someone straight away, was I resentful and more. I try my hardest to work on all my character defects which have been accelerated through addiction and endeavour to keep them around the 9 out of 10 score each day 

Looking after my son today as he is off school and hopefully off to GA tonight so will do a daily reflection post later 

Day 134 part two

Was having a good day, got all the washing and ironing completely up to date. Had son off school today so was doing some work with him on the autism side as he is non verbal. Lunch and did some step 4 work as I need to get the first bit finished. Then I got some very bad news which I won't go into but a crisis zoom was called for a group I'm in as everyone has taken it very badly. Listened to the zoom through the car on way to GA. Walked into GA absolutely shaking. Good meeting but when I shared about this the feedback could have been in Klingon as it didn't matter what anyone said it made no difference. Normally I can call on the serenity prayer to get me back to normality but that didn't work however many times I said it

Hey Stuart,

134 days into a renewed sense of self, and oh so much you have packed into them. I asked the interwebs about the number 134: "this number is believed to represent a message to trust your abilities, embrace positive changes, and maintain stability". How perfect is that, and for sure you're more than living up to this.

It's great to have a written log to reflect back on, it really makes the progress show and also how perspective and feelings on what truly matters overtake any previous thoughts and beliefs. This in itself serves to show personal growth, of which you have lots of pretty new shoots and leaves. 

You continue to be a force of nature and your dedication to working on yourself is second to none. Small steps, taken consistently, build extraordinary results :). Accountability is so important, and you're keeping so honest to this and yourself in many ways, and I love the inventory list. 

Isn't it strange how days can just turn upside down. I'm sorry to hear you had some bad news, it sounds like this hugely impacted on mood and the course of the day for you and I'm sending thoughts and virtual hugs your way. 

Dear universe, please grant Stuart a positive day and good vibes tomorrow, with sunshine and silver linings. 

Fran 🙂 

Hi Fran

I absolutely love reading your posts, whoever you are talking to. You are a real force on here and I can hear your passion. I also know you are doing this on your own which saddens me but I understand. Have you been to your in person meeting yet and how did it go ?

I'm going to pass some thinking on to you and leave it there in terms of your partner. This came up at GA when someone wasn't sure who to tell. A wise long term recovery person in the room suggested that sometimes it's good to put yourself in the other person's shoes. How would they feel if you didn't think you could trust them to take it on ? I was worried about people not finding out about my gambling but am I now worried about people not finding out about my recovery. Just giving you some thinking and certainly not suggesting what to do.

Keep posting my dear friend, keep thinking, keep recovering.

Look in that mirror and see the butterfly !!!!!! That butterfly is spreading its wings and showing all its glory 

Can I ask you the markers out of ten questions on how you see yourself in recovery ?

Day 135

So the state of yesterday's news continued through the morning today. It was like the depression came back from weeks 1 and 2, plus all the anxiety I've been experiencing ever since. Went down to see my parents. I've mentioned before that my dad is bed ridden and my best friend. Always good to spend some time down with them as I'm their support system and it allowed my mum to go to the shops as respite while I look after my Dad.

Good chat with my sponsor which helped me a lot

Went to Gamfam zoom at 6 which was really good, chatroom at 8 on here and LA international GA zoom online at 9. Felt like a good amount of recovery work for a Friday.

I've completed 7 of my 90 meetings in 90 days which I am trying to do