Hi all,
I have been here before. This time though I really was doing well, I had been gamble free for a year and didnt even think about it or miss it. It all then started up again 6 weeks ago. I cant belive I have messed up again. I have gambled problematically on and off for about 8 years but this time I was feeling better and gambling was not part of my life. I was getting into a much better place, debts reducing and a decent amount of safety net money to help us. It all started 6 weeks ago with a £50 bet. I lost that and that started the demons again to the point I have now blown all my savings, the most I had ever had, and put myself into more in debt.
Today is my day 1. It is the first day I havent sat for a 7/8 hr session of slot machines. I don't feel like gambling today. Probably because I have messed myself up so badly that when I get paid on Friday I will be able to pay my rent, service my debts and be living on next to nothing. If I went back on today it would be my money to live on.It feels like a dream, like it was yestuday I was sitting on a nice healthy sum of money to when I log on to my online banking now and have to look at a next to nothing balance and the next few months skimping around to survive. My partner knows nothing of my addiction and I dont want him to know. He is financially stable and very good with money. He earns a great salary and is keen for us to save. He doesnt know that I have no money in my account and any debt at all.
How do I live with what I have done, how, when everytime I buy even a chocolate bar for the next month I will be concious of spending. The last few dayS I havent been able to face work or anyone. Ironically I work on a psychiatric unit and deal with people in deep crisis everyday, I am the one helping them to get back on track at their most lowest point in life when I am at my lowest internally. I feel so tired today which I am sure is the depression and shock at what I have done and what I am capable of. I want it to be a dream, but it is not and the cold hard reality of my financial situation for months to come is hitting me hard in the face. The best I can hope for now is that I know we have a roof over our head bills will be paid and debts serviced but I will be living on nothing once those things are done. When will this feel better...I am such a fool.
Hi,
I can relate to your story and did the same thing only two days ago. I’m fortunate to get paid next week and will have no issue paying the bills but have a big overdraft stating me again in the face. I believe it’s how you bounce back I am determined this time to beat this once and for all.
I wish you luck in your journey and hopefully we can help each other through this. I’ve done two days now without a bet which I appreciate is nothing but I’ve not done that long for a long time.
awe, much compassion to you today & please be easy on yourself. Great that you are helping others. I too have an occupation where I help others and at times I had nothing left for myself as far as energy or money... still I gave my all to my job. Eventually we start to get sick and drained from giving and not taking care of ourselves due to hidden addictions and continuing to show up in life as if it were a dream. I too have said exactly the same thing , "It seems like a dream!" Slot machines and being in the zone is like that. But the virtual links to the real life fact that the energy we spent earning cash has been wasted in this dreamlike state and it's so hard to deal with that reality . Guess that is why we all need to gather strength through sharing and helping each other. Time to face up. WE can do this. Thanks so much for sharing and try to be good to yourself. Go ahead and buy that chocolate bar and savor each bite. tara2
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