Feeling relief

Sounds like a very sound plan Lg. I'm with you on this one. tara2

Only 3 days - I suppose it's natural that I still think about it almost all the time - little creeping doubts, memories of the big wins I have had...

I suppose I'm just a bit (actually 'very') worried about the next week. Normally I lose the most if my wife is away on a trip - last time (last week) I sat from Friday night to erly Monday morning in front of my laptop chucking money at Blackjack, only stopping to dig out another credit card and find a sneaky way of transferring money (even when I think I've been stopped from doing this, I always manage to find another way - I should be proud of how clever I am (!)).

I lost 4k and 3 kilos!

My wife is off again on holiday for a week. I just have to take a deep breath every time I think about it and remember why i am doing this - I'm doing this for her.

I know a lot of people on here strongly disagree with me about this but I haven't told her and I won't. The only thing keeping me going here is that I don't want to upset her and disappoint her. She sometimes reminds me of a time about 8 years back when I lost 2k of our joint money. We were both not working at the time and this was a huge deal naturally. We very nearly didn't get married. Bizarrely she mentioned this, in front of friends, about 2 days ago. 1 day after me deciding to stop for good.

If she left me, I wouldn't have that goal anymore. I don't care abnout myself, getting married to her has made me stop smoking, start exercising, eating healthy. I suppose that's a deeper issue I should probably look into...

Anyway, this is a big test I'm about to undertake. Apologies if I keep posting random, self-pitying rants over the next week!

Keep posting any way you can do this recovery is great. Just do it. tara2

Hi LG

Hope you are doing well . One of the things you said was about thinking about winning before . Your brain / addiction has a filter . It filters all of the losses and only wants to remember the wins . I guess that’s one of the drivers that keeps us gambling . Well it’s all kidology. If you had kept a diary from start to finish you would see that the stats don’t lie . Even some of the most disciplined gamblers would most likely be down over time . The odds are stacked against us , you heard the phrase the house always wins right ? Well throw into that mix that you are a compulsive gambler and have no collect button . It doesn’t take a genius to work out that you can never win . I understand why you don’t want to tell your partner I really do . Only trouble with that from experience is that your addiction thrives on this . When you haven’t got everything out in the open you can still sneak about and gamble . It’s that simple . If you really want to stop ask yourself why you haven’t told her . I didn’t tell my wife for a long time as subconsciously my cover would be blown . My escape route has gone . Life will never be the same again . However it’s the best thing I could have done because now there is no escape route . I think before I wasn’t ready to stop by leaving gambling as an option but now I am . Keep talking on here . You do what you think is right I’m not going to lecture you on rights and wrongs or what is the best for your situation .

Thanks tara and Bryan.

My wife left for her trip about 15 minutes ago and I've been working on the reasons why I shouldn't deposit some money and play.

1. It is absurd that I'm even thinking about this - I should be in control of my own actions here, even if not in control of my own thoughts.

2. Any money I use would be from my credit card which is already nearly at limit and it is a stupidly high limit.

3. Even if I won, say 1k, even assuming I would be able to stop, even assuming I could wait the 4/5 days they give you to cash out (yeah I know why they do that...). This would not be helpful, I would just think, 'well it worked that time, just need to do that another 40 times. 40 times sounds reasonable right?'. It isn't. I've been there so many times before - writing complicated spreadsheets along the lines of just having to make 3% on my stack per day - I'd be rich in 2 months. Sounds reasonable but doesn't take into account the simple fact that at some point in those 2 months I'd have a run of bad luck. All my cards would be doubles or splits and they'd all lose. Whenever I've gambled the pattern has been the same - gradually building my stack up over days, months even, them the statistically inevitable run of losses happen. All that time can be undone in a matter of hours if not minutes. By that point my stakes are bigger, so I deposit a bigger amount, but I'm still in the statistical anomaly and that goes as well.

4. Well how about I just have a little poker game - I got quite good at the online tournaments and would end up 'in the money' about 68% of the time (I kept detailed records of my wins and losses). So... I spend 4 hours playing a $2 tourney and win $7.34 or something... Apart from the money lost that is the other big driver for me - the hours and hours of time spent gambling. It makes me sick to think of all the other things I could have been doing. My wife always wondered why I was always late for meeting her if we were going out after work, or how I hadn't managed to get the shopping in when I was at home all day, or even put the washing on. It's because I was stuck on Blackjack on my laptop putting on 5 hands per minute at 10/20/50$ per hand. I have so many hobbies that I used to love but I somehow 'never had time' for them...

5. Quick nip down the bookies for a flutter on the Saturday races? Last time I went to the races I put on 30quid and left with 300. Easy. Don't even have to think about it just use the tip sheet. This is a tricky one for me. I still see a huge difference between going to the races with my friends - where I live it is just a 'fun night out' - and the sort of gambling that I was used to - the 17 hour days on the online casino. I know 'gambling is gambling' but I seem to have better control when I'm at the races. I never spend more than I plan - actually that's not true. That only happens if I win. If I lost then I start putting on 'sneaky side bets' and not mentioning them to anyone. So no horse bets, especially not when I'm on my own. Actually, this is how it all started - I still remember the day my problem started. It was a Sunday, my wife (then girlfriend) was out and I was bored, flicking through channels. Channel 4 racing was on and I thought, 'Let me just have a cheeky bet'. I already had a ***** account for my 5 quid saturday football acca so I signed in, checked some tip sheets, put a fiver on and won 50 quid. I put another one on, lost, put one more on and won 30. I then saw the button that said 'Online Casino'. Had a little look, got a 25 quid sign up bonus and soon had over 150 in my account. It felt very easy. I spent a bit of time learning more about Blackjack and deposited 500. I remember exactly what happened - this was ten years ago - I put bigger bets on, 50 quid a go, and the dealer got 5 blackjacks in a row! Instead of going, 'whoa! forget this!', I went, 'Pah! Just a statistical anomaly, I'll try again..' Does everyone else remember the time it all started?

Like I say, I generally kept detailed records of my sessions. A lot of them I deleted after the 'collapses' but I still have a few. It is weird looking at them because it is, like I said before, days, weeks, months even of profitable days. Then, every now and again, the session highlighted red. Even though these ones are far fewer than the 'green' ones, these are the ones that end in '0'. Sometimes I would blame myself for these. I'd get home from the pub at 1 am, can't even see straight, grab a bottle of whisky and open up the laptop. I'd wake up in the morning not even remembering how much I had left in my account until I opened it up to see $0.37. (Yeah, I know I need to work on the drinking thing as well). But, if I am perfectly honest, more of these are sessions where I end up going, 'but I didn't do anything wrong. I played perfectly and didn't increase my stakes when losing, kept to my strategy etc. etc.'. That is because, simply statistically, there will be times where the cards just don't work in your favour. And there will be other times where this happens. And there will be times where these happen straight after each other. And I don't know when these times are going to happen. The longer I play, the more likely it is to happen. I have never demonstrated the ability to stop when in a decent profit. Maybe some people can, but I can't and I am really kidding myself if I think (like I do every time) that I will do it this time.

Anyway, sorry if anybody actually went through and read this - this was just me, successfully, convincing myself not to gamble today. This is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

Quite scary reading this as apart from the poker I could have typed this out word for word from my experiences, the spreadsheet bit rang true so much also.

Wishing you all the best with this mate, keep busy keep the gambling at bay as best you can. Remember if you can how bloody rough it felt to open that account and find £0.37 in there. Been there done that and why, why would you purposefully create an outcome that would make you feel that way.

Good luck.

One week.

Saturday was the hardest - came very close to depositing money. But I didn't. Sunday was easier.

I got so much done this weekend. Ate proper meals. Getting ready for a holiday later this week and actually don't need to worry that I don't have spending money for it!

Still worry about the debt but playing with the numbers again and might tighten up a bit more to pay it off sooner. The quicker those interest payments are down the better and I can start saving and catch up on all that lost time!

Feeling strong today.

Well done Lg on this first 7 days. Stick with it mate you’ve made a great start.

After initial euphoria wore off I slipped up again. Thought, 'I've got nothing to lose by dropping another few grand.' Well I had that to lose and obviously did it. For some reason I was playing baccarat. Don't know why.

Ahh... start again

Sorry to read this Lg, can imagine how you are feeling at this moment.

I know when I was at this point a few weeks ago (and still am really), I was REALLY aware of the need to put more blocks in place, close those niggly accounts I know that you don't want to and try and move on as best as you can but it HAS to be done mate.

Self exclude from anywhere and everywhere you can find as much as it will "hurt" to think of the lost opportunity it needs to be done.

Good luck from here on in.

Last 3 months of paying off my debts just f-ed up in a few days.

...try again...

Oh no mate 🙁 What has happened on this occasion?

I know I've already said this but blocks are the only way forward I believe anyway. On the odd occasion I have had an urge when I've logged into somewhere Gamban has stopped me, it's been invaluable. Sorry to read this again. I totally know how you feel and hope that you can find a way.