Diary 2

Thank you for responding. There was genuinely no deceit on my part - I really thought I had told her. She has now told me that she believes in me, believes I do not gamble and sees how I have changed but will still need time to build the trust again. I accept this.

Hi diary. My wife genuinely believes I lied to her and I cannot argue with her view after rinsing the joint bank account etc. I feel sad and self-pity (I know, I know) but HER opinion is what matters. I'm not going to argue with her because there is no way I can justify my behaviour. I have had no access to the joint account for a year but I still manage my own wages and account. Right or wrong - I don't know. All I know is I COULD look her in the face during a meal last night and say I haven't gambled for just over a year. I'm not lying to her, any diary readers or myself but I have had a realisation about our relationship and I want to move on and make my wife believe what was on the Valentine's card. To be the man she wants, believes and needs. Best wishes, Phil.

Phil,

Good evening. Listening to what others say in times of difficulty or good times can always be a area for concern for any relationship. In your heart and in your head, you believe that you told your wife that you pawned that very special ring. My gut feeling is to believe you. I don't know you and have never met you, but for me it seems a very low point in your life to have done that, and I believe you told her that. Whether she could take that on board at the time, I don't know. Some people in times of crisis can only hear words, or a voice that sounds familiar. They are so busy processing all that has happened and the gut renching feeling that comes with the journey you and your wife have been on. Your hurting matey, because it feels that she doesn't trust or believe you that you told her. Let it go...let it go, let the moment go...You have your ring, move forward.....your wife I don't doubt, is struggling, struggling to believe that it is over. I will interupt with a little story, my brother finished chemo for kidney cancer last week, he doesn't believe it is over today, he is clinging on to the fear and the expectation of all that could go wrong. Your wife internally has maybe been clinging onto that same fear, of it getting that bad again.

To move forward, don't bring the ring issue up again, it is the past, you did that in the past to gamble, you will never do it again. Tell her you love her, and get up everyday and paint a new picture. You don't want to hear this, and I am going to be very gentle in the way I say it. Focuse on happiness, and that baby will arrive healthy and happy with ten fingers and ten toes. Your wife will be fine, but you need to start living again my friend. You need to take the focus off the gambling. You need to talk the talk and walk the walk. By all means keep your Gamcare support up, I would be heartbroken not to see you around, but start believing in the fairytale of life. Put down that big stick that you have been beating yourself with, take up the happiness stick....Move on Phil, your wife will move on with you, just show her the way. There is a lovely life waiting for you both out there. I look forward to reading the next chapter.

With the kindest and bestest wishes.

Julie

Hi Phil,

I've just read your last few posts and can fully appreciate why you're upset by what has happened.

I have no doubt that if you could wind back the clock you wouldn't have mentioned the story about the wedding ring... but we are where we are.

One things for sure, though. You know full well how sensitive your wife is to the subject of your past gambling and you'll think thrice in future ... you are forearmed.

And let's extract another positive; you are extra resolved now; as if you needed an incentive to complete Year 2, day by day. Ye gods you've got it now.

As for how things stand; well, you haven't gambled for a year, that's a big plus, your wife (I hope) will recognise.

Your actions in the coming days, weeks and months, underpinned by an uncompromising GF stance, will surely improve your outlook. Time is a great healer I like to think Phil. Meantime, head held high, and turn your thoughts to how you can make this better by reassuring your wife about your future GF intent and remembering to not regale any of the bad times again!

P.S. I've just seen Julie's post above... some fantastic stuff in there Phil. We all want you to succeed - the futures always brighter when it's GF.

Great responses friends. Thanks for taking the time to write such thoughtful posts and a lot of what you have said has made me smile and think more positively. Best wishes, Phil

My confidence still waxes and wanes.....my head can still do a number on me. I'm meeting a friend in the city centre and I know it's right by one of Fred's shops which I don't know if I'm self-excluded from. It's almost like I'm afraid I'll "involuntarily" go in there against my will or something. That's my mind for you - often my friend and often my foe.

Stay strong Phil...you choose whether you walk through the door....think what you would be risking....think of the future you want with your wife....think of the pain she has already experienced....whether you are self excluded or not, stay out. Could you text your friend and meet elsewhere? Does your friend know of your addiction? Do you have friends you can text for support? Come back on later and post that you told Addiction to do one.

Thanks for your response earlier Rhoda. I wasn't talking about temptation but FEAR - a very powerful emotion. I didn't gamble and I didn't want to. My friends - small circle - know the score with the gambling and coming off tranquillisers but none of them are or have ever been compulsive gamblers. They buy lottery tickets which is fine as does my wife which is also fine but she and I never talk about her spending £4 a week on the lottery - that's her business and it's more fun than anything else. I respect the individuality of everyone's journey but for me - at the present time - a one GA meeting a week and a sponsor (which isn't obligatory despite what some people might say) is not for me. I was part of CA in Brighton and it turned out my sponsor was the biggest b-ullshitter ever. I'm not saying everyone is like that at all but I don't want a sponsor - I like this forum, I like (75 per cent of the time) the path I am on. I'm not dependent on this forum but I like the anonymity and being able to vent and express myself. I welcome constructive criticism but for some one to tell me if I don't go to GA I "will inevitably gamble again" is not good advice - it's just an opinion. I also welcome "tough love" as I have experienced even in the last week but I swear there is no arrogance intended in this diary entry.

PS I had to write the above twice as my internet connection at the moment is so rubbish! Best wishes, Phil

Sorry I misunderstood, was just worried for you x

Hey no problem I appreciate your concern very much and also what you had to say in the chatroom earlier. You have been very kind to me Rhoda and I wish you all the best in your journey xx

Hi, Phil,

Better for everything to be out in the open but what counts is that you are no longer the sort of person who would pawn the ring and the work in progress is continuing, hence you feel fear. Believe in yourself.

re GA, I'm sorry to hear that your sponsor wasn't sincere, it has happened before and not doubt human frailty can prevail again. I seem to recall that Dan had similar. But lapsed/insincere sponsors by definition aren't working the program and therefore don't, can't represent GA or the Twelve Steps program. GA and the Twelve Steps have helped to change lives globally, if you're too rigid in ruling it out, then that's your choice and not the dodgy sponsor's.

All the best,

CW

Hi CW, I was talking about CA. I appreciate your response but I'm not entirely ruling it out - just for the moment. There's no arrogance involved - it is just the way I feel at the moment. Coming off the pills has been a hard journey and I still struggle to go out a lot of the time - hence working from home. When I went into the city centre yesterday I had to really plan ahead but even so my agoraphobia kicked in. I'm working on an anxiety management plan with my GP which will maybe help restore the confidence I used to have and talking in public - of course I know that is not obligatory at meetings! Best wishes and thanks again as always for your feedback. Phil.

Hi there - was very good today to be with friends who know about my recovery and also anxiety issues and watch some football without thinking about gambling. Things can improve friends - but I NEVER watch horse racing or read the racing pages which I actually rip out of my paper. Not temptation just a habit. Best wishes, Phil.

I have been in touch on the phone with GamCare about all this spam and it will undoubtedly be removed but there has to be a long-term solution? Also as far as I am aware the Netline chat facility is still not working? Phil