Diary 2

Having a break. Very interesting when I went into my local the other day to meet some friends and I saw that they (not my mates!) had made a little bit of space for something. I subsequently found it was for another fruit machine - my local will now have six and believe me it is not even that big a pub. They could turn all the lights off in the pub and the machines would provide enough light for staff to serve and customers to read newspapers! I never had issues with fruit machines or FOBTs but I kind of feel some of the restrications on bookies should apply to pubs as well - after all, aren't "players" chasing that elusive £100 win the same way users of FOBTs are chasing an elusive sum of money? OK, the stakes are different but the addiction is the same? The mesmerised look of players slipping another £20 note into the slot and there is no member of staff offering advice or restrictions. Scary. Some people could say why should I care? I do - I FEEL for these people. Just some thoughts. Hopefully another bet-free day. Best wishes, Phil.

Better get back to work. Brief entry on my diary as I didn't want to sabotage somebody else's post elsewhere. The expression "a sign of weakness" was used in reference to "relapse" or gambling again. I think there is far more to it "than just giving in" or being "weak". It's a complicated problem. Phil

Hi Phil, managed to catch up to your current day of your diary today. Lots of thoughts and feelings which have been similar to my own but much more to deal with. Hope you continue on this path. You've done a great job and i'm envious of your GF days.

Take care pal, catch up soon!

My diary - my view. I have 100 per cent respect for people embarking on the journey but when I see "never again" I think please "be realistic". Setting goals is great but making it manageable is a good thing. Can we predict tomorrow, next week, next month etc.? I admire the goal of never betting again from day 1 but listening and learning - constructive criticism, tough love, paying off debts due to gambling is were it's at in my view. All the best, Phil.

And boy did I rebel against some great advice!!!!

Phil.....

A thought regarding your anxiety issues. As I said in a earlier post to you, I seem to blow hot and cold in my participation on this forum whether or not I read or post and in my time since finding this place i'll disappear for a year or so thinking that there's no more I can get from reading people's thoughts!!

Then aprox about 18 months ago a particular diarist grabbed my attention regarding his self analysis and that chap was Cardhue. His journey from CBT to finally join a dot with ACT and social Anxiety started to make so much sense to me and made me start understanding more about my self. On a scale of 1/10, I would possibly be at a 2 in getting this type of therapy, but was wondering whether this is an avenue you've explored or even a diary you've read.... wondering, possibly not the right word....

Now to change the subject, we're all different! It makes the world work. But, ....... only my humble! Why waste your energy on how many machines a pub has got and on what restrictions should or should not be in place ! We are ants in the grand scheme of things, we serve our ' Queen ' and that in real money is serving ourselves and looking after ourselves and ours..... selfish in addiction - selfish in recovery !!

Best and keep moving forward

I don't know if anyone who was just in the chatroom will read this but YOU can stop. Whatever it takes -life is better than that miserable way of existing. I'm no expert - I'm just living my life one day at a time (which can mean ANYTHING to the individual). My advice is to find that inner strength initially, make that commitment, do whatever it takes. Stop gambling for a start and then address the other issues in no particular order - behaviour, messed up head, relationships, debts, lying, self-deceit/delusion. Get counselling from GamCare online or in person, try GA - anything. You can be happier believe me. I'm only a year and a bit from my last bet but my life is incomparable as is my relationship with my beautiful wife. I am a strong supporter of the one day at a time philosophy - not in any other way than YOUR way. Best wishes, Phil.

I dont understand. I was in chat for a bit

People were describing their struggles. I only joined the chat in the last 20 minutes.

Ok

I don't gamble and I don't intend to gamble today. What I do feel is this underlying anxiety/unhappiness/moderate depression that I've had on and off all my life despite therapy and pills etc. It makes me withdrawn and untalkative - exactly the opposite of how I would like to be. Would placing a bet relieve that or distract me from those feelings? Momentarily perhaps but they would still be there. I may feel more positive in myself in an hour - I hope so. Best wishes, Phil.

Had an emotional day yesterday. Today so far has been better - not looking forward to the masses walking down the road to the Cardiff v Fulham game. One disadvantage of living on a nice street which is on the way to the ground. Best wishes, Phil

Questions to moi. Are the word "control" or "I had it under control" recovery? I don't want to post this elsewhere or annoy anyone - but this is my diary page and it is not addressed at a newcomer or old-timer or anyone specifically or having a rant. The point I want to make is: If you feel like you are missing out on something; could be alcohol, cigarettes or, of course, gambling, is that a way to live. Obviously a bet-free day is a GOOD day but I think self-control is what you need initially with all that comes with it (self-exclusion etc.) but after a while with the ups and downs life throws at us I feel the obsession to gamble starts to fade IN my experience. If you are serious, there is no excuse to gamble - bereavement, an argument, feeling down - what's it going to achieve but short-term "relief" if that? Take responsibility for your debts - don't agree with being bailed out at all, to be honest to YOURSELF but more important to those you told a crock of s-hit to especially loved ones. My wife and I had some fun today - so cool being best mates again but there are still trust issues which I HAVE to build on. She did nothing wrong and is beautiful, kind and funny and has had a load of stress in the last months. We work together, hopefully we will continue to re-build our relationship, move forward and smile.....one day at a time but always remember - not all the time what I did. I'm not beating myself up - just saying what I want for HER and me. Best wishes, Phil.

Phil,

I had written you a post which has been up for over an hour, basically I felt irritated by something you said in chat tonight, but in reflection, maybe I came in at the wrong end of it. I will try and catch you this week in chat and eh yeah have a chat about it. I just don't think it is fair for you to come on and read something that I have put without speaking to you about it directly. Have a good start to the week.

Julie x

It's OK Julie - I read it and I wanted to reflect upon it before replying. I can see you have now deleted it. I had no problem with what you wrote at all and yes we'll have a chat about it sometime. Best wishes, Phil x.