Diary 2

Phil72 wrote:

PS I KNOW it is a pain in the b**t getting all these ads on Facebook etc. Very annoying.

Have four days off facebook Phil

It's unavoidable be it a big meeting/festival or some obscure race in places non-gamblers have never heard of. My question to myself is why I wasn't bothered last year a few weeks into my recovery and I was today? I don't think I was complacent or self-arrogant but my lord I was terrified earlier.

So it wasn't just another day. I can't predict my feelings and thoughts on a day to day basis clearly.

Hi Phil, hope all ok.

Just felt frightened and listened too much to the negative c**P in my head mate. Thanks for posting.

Well done on the 400 days..

Your lucky you got the last post..took me six goes at caphas new quiz ! lol

Thank you! PS birthday today as well!

Many happy returns Phil, for both your birthday and non-gambling days. Enjoy your day.

Thank you Rhoda.

Dear diary: What I - just me - have learnt in the last couple of days. Avoidance is not recovery. Living in terror is not recovery. Trying to block out people talking about betting is not recovery. Plus other stuff.

Hi Phil.

Firstly, a very Happy Birthday to you. Enjoy. Secondly, I was reading/writing on someone's diary yesterday, what people are doing about Cheltenham. I started gambling around 6 years ago on horse racing, this then finished with Blackjack gambling recently. Anyway, what I wanted to say and what I said yesterday is that for me, avoidance is fine if you think this will prevent you from gambling at that point, however, I feel that avoidance can also keep the fear in you too.

I decided yesterday that as I was off work poorly, I would watch Cheltenham (mainly to see who was wearing what these days - being a female myself) ha! However, I enjoy most sports where there involves a race of any sort, being a runner myself, back in the day. The emphasis being on the word "enjoy". Why should I not be able to watch something I enjoy? Again, the emphasis being on the word "watch" and not "gamble"!

So yesterday I did watch and enjoyed and just looked at all those people and said to myself, "some of you will win and some of you will lose today but ultimately, any win will just be a temporary loan to pay for your next bet".

What I am saying here is that sometimes it is good to face your fear head on so that in future, you are aware of it, you know when it is coming and therefore, you can then successfully deal with it.

Have a lovely gamble free Birthday Phil and take care too.

Our Lady.

Thank you Our Lady for wishing me a Happy Birthday and your detailed post. The thing is I don't think I ever actually enjoyed horse racing or got a buzz out of it but it was a distraction initially from our problems in my life/mind. Of course, the gambling spiralled out of control and my anxiety increased ten-fold. I'm still learning - day by day - what "recovery" actually means to me or what I want it to mean to me as individual. Best wishes, Phil

Phil72 wrote:

Dear diary: What I - just me - have learnt in the last couple of days. Avoidance is not recovery. Living in terror is not recovery. Trying to block out people talking about betting is not recovery. Plus other stuff.

And to add to the list - A feeling of having to validate oneself is not recovery....

I know what validate means but could you put your comment into context please to clarify?