Diary 2

Y: Yearn

Following on from yours Phil, also a bit of a cheat because I'm talking about it in the negative, as the sweet release I have now compared to the early days. Gambling is something I don't do anymore & it doesn't matter that I don't, I no longer yearn to be able to & that's why recovery is worth every single step.

Wonder why there are less words @ the end of the alphabet...You think the Masters that gave us words just got lazy?

No idea but thanks for the contributions! Y -Yawny (cheated!) - prone to yawning like when I glimpse a horse race on TV...one day at a time.

I realised today that irrespective of other people's opinions on the definition of the word "recovery" I AM in recovery. Why? I spoke to someone face to face from a specific charity for people with different "poisons" about the final part of my journey coming off tranquillisers which after a 15 year dependency - 14 months ago - which was linked to gambling and a messed up head and she said "WOW", you have done so well. I wasn't looking for validation but it was a good thing to hear. I realised that during the last part of coming off those horrible pills I needed additional help apart from my GP and I found a charity in Cardiff. It was very helpful and I also talked with a very nice person about the betting. It is peer to peer support and my God to be able to discuss with a recovering addict (her poison I don't know) was amazing - there are so many similarities. So I will get some coaching - not counselling - how to deal with my physical symptoms and thoughts over the next two months as I finally come off that horrible drug and continue to stay bet-free and build on my foundations which have been wobbly in terms of behaviour at times which I apologise for. Last April - 40mg of Valium a day, now 9mg but it has been tough and without justification I think explains some of my erratic behaviour. Best wishes, Phil.

Deleted

Zeal - eagerness to continue the journey and learn and grow.

Z: Zippy...because life is life ☺

Hi. Thanks for all the contributions to my A-Z recovery thread. It was great to get so many contributions. We now have 3 hours and 19 minutes left! Best wishes and another day bet-free and IN recovery, Phil.

Z: Zzz

because I'm late & because I love sleeping soooo much!

ODAAT thanks for your belated contribition (!) and to everyone else who contributed to the A-Z challenge! Best wishes and here's to another bet-free day. Phil

Hello, just checking in after a few days of quietness and reflection to say I'm still (happily) bet-free, coming off awful pills and taking lots of things one day at a time. Best wishes, Phil.

Evening. Some thoughts. Everything I did gambling compulsively with no fun involved was no-one else's fault but mine. My wife, stress, anxiety, arguments, my background - all me.If you gambled "just" because you were bored or could afford the losses and there were no underlying issues - and you stopped great. In my opinion, having looked at another thread that if you genuinely want to stop gambling - day one with all that garbage in your face; newspapers, adverts, internet, bookies etc. you can stop one day at a time as I have done with all the realisations I have erm...realised (!). Thirty five years ago - and I'm not comparing like for like but I am some what - my mum smoked 40 cigarettes a day and stopped despite in those days you could smoke in pubs, shops, lots of advertising especially sports. My point it is it was in your face like today's gambling. Making that committment as hard has it can be and I'm still a newbie is the start of a new life whatever path you choose.

Just my view. Best wishes, Phil.

Payday tomorrow and I'm already working out my budget for the next month. One of the main reasons is taking responsibility for my actions and also to get several companies off my back as I have to pay a substantial amount of money through StepChange to my creditors. I used to think of it as a bitter pill I had to swallow - i.e. resentment - but now I just see it as something I have to do as part of my journey and at the end of the day I borrowed the money to gamble - nobody forced me to do so. Hopefully I'll be debt-free before the end of the year unless something else turns up like last week....best wishes, Phil.

Just been reading some diaries of forum users I'm not familiar with and I was quite surprised at the recurring entries about lost money/re-couping money despite other forum users writing that the money is gone, isn't coming back and financial problems will only get worse as the compulsion continues. If I gambled the loss would be much more than money - friendships, trust (particularly my wife's trust in me which is slowly being re-built), shame and much more. There is a bigger picture than money and it has taken me quite some time to realise - emphatically - that there were other reasons besides boredom, the "buzz" or winning money behind my addicion. I'm still new but I'm learning. Best wishes, Phil.

A few days of no diary entries. Feeling pretty good, living and learning, re-building trust and more importantly not gambling. Best wishes, Phil.

Having goals is a great thing but I am a big fan of being realistic and "never saying never" and taking things slowly - saying "I'm never going to gamble again" is a great aim but a weight to have on your shoulder especially in the early days.

A non-gambling (and non-antagonistic) but kind of relevant example: a friend of mine was a really heavy smoker, yellow fingers the lot and after a week on an e-cigarette he was convinced and was boasting about having "cracked" his smoking addiction and was never going to smoke rollies again. I haven't seen him use his "vape" for a year or so and he's smoking as much as ever.

Best wishes, Phil