Diary 2

What a lovely day to not have any work to do and not gamble!

Anyone read the article in the Times today about FOBTs?

I don't post very often now - I sometimes feel I've nothing to offer. It's kind of ironic that after a two week exclusion from the chatroom (which I accepted with no animosity) and moderated posts for a while, I've got nothing to say - well a bit!

I'm still living and learning and I'm still bet-free which I re-iterate is only partly due to self-exclusion - there are lots of other factors involved. I think sometimes taking a step back and some more in-depth self-reflection can be a good thing which I guess is what I'm doing. Best wishes, Phil.

As my confidence is slowly coming back I think I'll post something related to other threads elsewhere on the forum I've been thinking about.

Recovery

What ever anyone says or tells you to do I believe recovery is a personal thing and we are all individuals who can cherry-pick - if that leads to "relapses", "slips" or whatever word you want to use so be it - what we believe is going to be helpful. If we're only interested in the money we lost that's fine in my view. If you want to delve deeper into your psyche that is also fine. If you don't want to tell your wife about emptying the joint account that's up to you (although she's probably going to find out when she checks the balance).

Cliches

There are as many in a fellowship as there are on a forum or in real life.

For example: "You're only as sick as your secrets". I don't need anyone to tell me the GA/AA/CA/NA etc. meaning of this expression. "Sick and tired of being sick and tired." "Let Go and Let God" etc.

Related to the first cliche, I read this online and it made me laugh: "we’ve all been in meetings where barely recovering comrades let loose with overwrought, embarassing confessions that contain a tad TMI.​"

I read this online and it reminded me of some of my personal experiences at meetings:

Meetings

I am in no way against meetings but I had some very negative experiences which I'm sure lots of people haven't. In the fellowship I attended (Actually I attended many, many CA/NA meetings in different parts of the city where I lived) most people who had "slipped" 'fessed up more or less immediately and were generally treated with suspicion as if they had an infectious disease. "Back to step one!" they cried.

I often found newcomers were treated like royalty but woe betide them actually being honest about using again. "Old-timers" were treated like Gods as they trotted out their stories again of the horrors of 30/40 years ago when they last used - very much a "happy clappy" clique in many respects.

As Brian says to his unwanted flock in The Life of Brian: "You've got to think for yourselves! You're all individuals!​"

Just my views as always - plus the quotes I pinched from another website which, of course, were that person's opinions. Best wishes and constructive criticism welcome, Phil.

A few posts today from people who have gambled again despite their best intentions. I'm not really a big fan of terms such as "slip" or "relapse" and of course I'm no expert (just another recovering gambler) but I do believe an individual has to really think about what drove them - the "buzz", boredom, distraction, greed, unhappiness etc. to gamble again. I know why i gambled and I now know why I don't... one day at a time. If I couldn't get to that realisation (with help from cool forum members) I'm not sure I would have stayed on my path for 15 months. Just some thoughts. Best wishes, Phil.

It's my third year wedding anniversary today and I know for a fact if I'd carried on gambling I would have lost this beautiful, kind and funny woman. Best wishes, Phil.

Make's you think about what's important Phil eh ? .

Congratulation's to you and your Wife Phil and enjoy your day :))

Best wishes .......................Alan

Thanks Alan. We are going to a Portuguese restaurant down the road for lunch which has had some very good reviews. It would have been beans on toast a couple of years ago....

Dear diary. I do not blame the gambling industry per se for my addiction to gambling. No-one ever forced me to place those initial bets. I was never attracted to the flashing lights and strange noises of the machines despite my repeated offers of free spins in the shops I frequented. My problem was to do with horses which I have been addressing for over 15 months. Despite mistakes I have tried in my own clumsy way to help others on the forum and chatroom. I am a human being who makes many mistakes but I am a lot happier than I was in February 2016.

Hello me again. I'm not kissing Gamcare's bottom but it is made very clear that this is a recovery - non-partisan/political (yeah I'm so naГЇve) - forum. If there was no moderation or editing which I have experienced both it would just be a free for all and I have personally been very hurt today. Slagging off the gambling industry may give a person some relief especially if they have gambled again but personal responsibility is more important. I'm not going to say "my view" as it's my darn diary. Disagree? Fine. Want to have a dig please do not post or I will flag it. Respectfully, Phil.

Dear Diary: I love the expression "keyboard warrior" especially when it's being used by people who are ​themselves "a person who makes abusive or aggressive posts on the Internet" (oxforddictionaries.com).

It's very easy with the anonymity sites such as this gives for people to make snotty and personal comments to well meaning posts but I wonder if those people would make the same remarks face-to-face?

​Anyway more importantly no intention of gambling today. Best wishes, Phil.

I like that term as well Phil.

I also like the term passive aggressive.

And the answer to your last question is I prefer face to face conversation. We're not all wizards with words like reporters or writers.

Also good to read that you have no intention to gamble today...

Thank you.

What a cracking couple of hours my wife and I had with a varied bunch of non-gambling friends on a Bank Holiday (well apart from the lottery which I have no personal problem with them talking about but obviously I don't do myself) - including a teacher,a truck driver, a camera man, store manager and a psychology professor.

I have a very small circle of friends and a lovely wife who have been incredibly supportive but provided constructive criticism (non-judgemental) since I stopped gambling especially as I was honest with them about the extent of the problem and were also great with all the adversity my wife and I had to deal with last year.

They also look at me as someone with no "airs and graces" who is gentle natured but occasionally prone to losing my rag (non-violently) when I feel people are inappropriately having a go at me and came from an incredibly abusive environment in a council house in North Wales who managed to achieve academically as well as professionally despite being dyslexic and having very low self-esteem and confidence which are now getting better each day. It has taken me a long time with no self-pity or validation to open up about my background.

So one day at a time my individual recovery goes on. I'm a lucky man. Best wishes, Phil.

Interesting article: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-the-brain-gets-addicted-to-gambling/