The start of my diary, 46 years old and still a slave to this disease.
I've been gambling since my school days,penny up the wall soon become cards,poker dice,fruit machines and then the coral pink supplied by my old man.
Eventually i got the courage at 15 to sneak in the back door of the bookies,camaflaged by the plooms of smoke trying to avoid my dad, I turned my ВЈ2 into £100!
Everything I backed turned to gold.
I had arrived,the buzz,the excitement was nothing I had experienced before.
It became a way of life after that,I was in a gambling culture,and I believe at that time it was fun.
I left school got a part time job for the summer as I was due to start a career at sea in September.
My part time job feed my addiction for the summer and come September when I started training for life at sea it was cold turkey,
I hated it, all i wanted to do was gamble.I quit after a week and took the first job I could find back at home.
I got into the building trade,bought my first house at 21,this is when my gambling first accelerated.
Loan after loan,credit cards soon the mounting debts spiralled out of control,I lost the house and went bankrupt,tail between my legs i went back to mum and dad.
At this point I never admitted I had a problem,even tho it had caused me no end of misery and problems.
I had the enivatible big win only to blow it all,it then sunk in- what's the point- you can't win cos you can't stop,all I'm chasing is the buzz,those endorphins lighting up my brain.
1999 I contact ga,I attended meetings for over a year,things improved I moved into my own place,but I let that 1 bet that first bet happen and whole cycle started again.
Debts,self loathing,lack of ambition,selfishness.I got myself into a 40 grand hole over the next few years,even won 10 grand at one point only to fritter it all away.
Fast forward to today I meet my wonderful partner,who knows about my problem in 2006,I managed to get out of debt,we have 2 wonderful kids and a lovely house, I worked bloddy hard,I'm very lucky.
But still this s**t horrible disease haunts me.
I've self excluded from every possible bookies within 30 miles
Joined gam stop,but still I found ways.
I had up to feb been 8 months gamble free,but I let myself have a debit card- mistake n.o1.
It amazes me, in Feb whilst I was gamble free I thought it was inconceivable that I would ever gamble again,we were all enjoying a posh family meal out and it was quite a heavy bill,gambling thoughts rushed through my head ВЈ400 on man city at 1/2 to beat chelsea an easy £200 thats a gamblers thinking.
I found a telephone bookies opened an account and tried to place the bet, but no signal, I couldn't get through.
Fate I thought until i got home to see city 4 up after 30 minutes.
The old mindset was well and truly back.
It weren't long before I was back in action.
We all no it's wrong buts it's like a steam train.
The past 6 weeks have been going from 1 disaster to another.
Luckily it's only financial and can be fixed.
It's my mind that needs the help,I'm tired of it all
I'm tired of giving up,tired of Debts,there was no enjoyment in my latest gambling exploits.
I've had a gut full.
Cards cut up,self excluded beyond belief,it's time to get a grip.
Sorry for boring anyone who reads this with my life story,but while I've been writing this I've not been thinking stupid gambling thoughts and it's been quite therapeutic!
Hi RBT. A very honest account and I can totally empathize with your story. I m 19 days gf and still “mind bet” on football matches. There are plenty I win but i lose plenty as well and it’s a nice feeling when the money is still in the bank. I m taking it a day at a time but am at peace with the lost money being gone for good and the decision to never gamble again. It’s a relief not to have the stress of frantically checking the phone to see if a bunch of vastly over paid prima donnas have decided that they like their manager enough to try and bother to score. And allows proper focus on more important stuff in life. I wish you well my friend with the battle.
I suppose it's day 1,I hate writing that.
I'm not gonna count,time will fly by gf in the next few weeks I'm confident of that.
I've become an expert in giving up,I think I'm addicted to self excluding- not a bad thing.
I thought I had this addiction cracked but out of the blue it grabs you by the throat it takes over your every living thought.
Relief at blowing the last available funds yesterday,I had the savvy to get rid of my credit card.
I was actually willing my last bet to lose,I can't handle any more punishment.
Self excluded;cut up my debit card and added more bookmaker premises further away from where I live to the list.
I can do this ,I go several months gf - then boom.
I have to stop the fantasy bets,stop the thinking that gambling was enjoyable.
I was going to film myself yesterday,I had placed a large bet on a horse and before the race you ought to have seen the state of me - puplatations,I felt sick,a nervous wreck - nothing enjoyable about it.
The horse obviously came 2nd- and so the chase begins!
What a waste of time/money effort.
Anyway that was yesterday;a new day a new me.
Just for today I shall not gamble.
Day 3 - wkd away helped
The addiction has been playing tricks on my mind;one big bet on the national could have cleared my over draft,it weren't to be and never would of happened;I proved that last weekend after winning the required amount only to want more.
It's never enough,it's impossible to quit whilst winning in action,it's the addiction,it ain't gonna lure me back
Another day gamble free ahead
Keep going, one day at a time, it’s tough mate but head up.
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