...

Hi Sandra... its good to really go to town on the gambling devil from time to time. Like you say, gambling can go f*** off... life is for living!

Warm regards... S.A 🙂

Thank you all

Dear diary,

Flying high and hitting the ground full force. Weird how I still so struggle to find that balance in my life. I either hyporactive or too depressed. Pushing through last few days, with all the strength I can gather and with tears in my eyes I get on with life. One of the songs sprang to mind, can't remember the lyrics but see full picture of a person pushing a stone up the hill. That's exactly how I feel, pushing and trying not to slip.

Not sure if I ever be a better person and bring more into this life than I do now. Nothing seems to be good enough, there is always extra to be expected. Feel like letting everyone down but am powerless to change it. Feel flat and /////// off with myself. May be depression creeping back in, maybe it never fully went away...

Anywayyyyy..

Got a challenge coming next week and already feel defeated and feel like gonna gamble. b*****ks, back to negativity. Am immature and need to grow up one day and start dealing with life with the cards I've been dealt with.

..once a gambler always a gambler, can't choose faith.

Really don't think my diary belongs on this forum, maybe it did in the past but not now. It's just a failure one lol. Will keep it on just of the respect to others plus it is great memory of some people who have moved on with their lives and not on here anymore, but had a huge impact on my recovery..

FULL OF POSITIVITY TODAY ..just ignore it plz

S x

Hi Sis,

I for one do believe that your diary belongs on here. Bad days and negative thoughts don't make us bad people. I often struggle with all or nothing thinking.

I don't have any answers. The older I get the less certainty I seem to sense about pretty much everything. For whatever reason not knowing anything for certain anymore sort of lightens up my load.

From what I have read on your diary so far you have demonstrated maturity even beyond your years. I am proud to walk this journey with you. Before I start tripping over words I will just close by saying.. Hey Sister. HEY SISTER!! 🙂 ((((S)))) -joanxxxx

Hey Sis and thank you 🙂

Dear diary,

Do not recognise myself anymore. Don't know how to go by with this addiction and all the strength feels shattered, all morals gone, self respect been stamped with my own foot, honesty out of the window...what's left? Empty shell - frame of once strong girl, having belief and aspirations in life.

What's happening with me? I want to know to work on things to help me t change my mindset and look ahead..nothing helps, I can try and try but always end up at the start. Maybe recovery is not for me . What is for me then?

Hate and Dissapointment. My pals for a time being. I make mistakes and actually stopped learning from them. Over and over again, the same pattern. This time I had enough, I will never recover and life with gambling close by is not life. I am even too weak to top myself off, yes diary, looks like I'm s**t at everything. What left is to keep going hand in hand with my worst enemy until I find the strength to....

It hurts..

Yo,

So much wish I could find the right words to ease your pain.

The only thing I can say is that you are not alone . Many times I have felt the way you do today , it all seemed so f******G pointless .

In the height of my addiction which ever one I was battling against or not battling against at the time , every day was shi t, every morning I would wake up and be so so sad that I had woken up at all . Not a great start to the day , which would go from bad to worste and ground hog the following day.

I still do not like me , I still disappoint myself almost daily but it's not as deverstating as it once was .

I would love to tell you it will all turn out wonderfully in the end but you and I both know that's just a pipe dream. All we can do is the best we can not let it overtake us completely , where our life no longer matters , because then the addiction would of won , and I for one will not let happen I hope with all my heart you will join in my quest .

Take care Hun, be kind to you please

Shiny xxxxx

Hi S

So sorry to read that you are un so much pain at the moment

I am not going to suggest this or that but I think this gambling has nothing to do with money or winning anymore

I think you are trying to punish yourself in some way and gambling is an escape for you

Sandra you are a lovely person I have seen on your posts how you worry about everyone else and are concerned about there welfare

It's time to fix you now it's time to be selfish and think of you

You are a good kind person it shows on here don't let negatives get in the way of your recovery

My support to you as many others would say as Duncs says is unconditional

Take care

Suzanne xx

Hi lovely person

I hear what you are saying and know that feeling only too well. You have been there before, we all have and I just know with others here wanting to dilute the pain and help you get by once more you can do it.

My friend used to say that 'life's a b**** and then you become one' but that never happens with you and never will I am sure, you remain that caring person supporting others and offering a shoulder to cry on and a crutch to support them regardless of the pain in your own life. Let us support you for a change and reinforce the inner strength that I know you have. Scream and shout on here and let us help push that sodding boulder up the hill or even better zap it into little tiny pieces.

Here for you.

xxx

Thank you all.... I will get bk t u...xxxx

I find it very hard to stand up this time. Few reasons and none of them makes it easier.spend my day mostly in bed, zoned out an d just there but not with it if it makes sense. Have pictures around the room and never really noticed them in detail..here is my dad with mum, sister's wedding, my little nephew, few friends....and that person... the same shy smile, corners tiny lifted to make that impression of happiness. .

I wish I could stay at home today..just so I can sleep and get through the day in dream land..made me wonder last night, people at work. There is one troubled employee which picks at everyone else at any opportunity. I think this way she offloads her personal pain...ya know, it is interesting what's going on through ones mind...I was tempted to say " I come to work and do my duties, yes I might b hard on you at a times but this is part of my role, I have to supervise, detect any issues and try to solve them. Even if I look strong, confident and full of drive...do you know what's really goes through my mind - to drive into the tree at the top speed on a way home. Am I going and broadcasting it to everyone - no. I do what I have to do and deal with my personal issues by myself, so get a grip and stop treating others as they are the root cause of your own problems".

All this just to say, that we all have our masks and have to put them on ....mostly to save others and avoid affecting their feelings.

gotta go...thanx diary.

Diary,

I noticed a pattern with my gambling. Can go a month without it and mainly if I go to other town and hav a cheeky bet on slots in casino stinking places my brain rewires in a matter of minutes and I know It won't end there.

Hate it....absolutely.

Now I done it on my phone I feel very insecure again. I gambled so much more I could afford. Nothing around me existed...I supposed to have some spending money bk home to enjoy my time with loved ones..this person just took over, an hour and a half...and half of my spending money gone..I carried on and on anf on...bank thought it's fraud and blocked my card..how lucky was I there??? God, I wouldn't of stopped and that's what scaring me the most.

I had this feeling before, but maybe cause I lost more this time am really scared, out of control.off for the weekend, hav my phone and card unblocked. Yep, my enemy is here even if the pain is still sooooo raw...it is so hard t concentrate. .I mk my life so much harder but it is me.

Thank you guys for posts. I will hav t reread them. Not much sank in for the past 2 days... I will dig deeper.

S x

Hi Sandra,

Self destruction is a massive part of this addiction, what it does to you changes a part of your personality. Focus on going home and the good times that a holiday home will bring. Now that gambling has started the cycle, it will try and make you feel worse to try and chase more money. Don't let it win this one Sandra.

The cycle of gambling is one that I know, and lots of others on here know as well. Cycling between gambling, self hate, moving money around and more gambling was my life for far too long, and then a period of abstinence and paying off debts.

Have you considered maybe switching from a debit card to a basic bank card that only allows you to take cash out of a machine? It wouldn't stop the casino bit, but its the online stuff that causes the damage.

The bank's fraud detection teams often tried to stop me too, most of the time they failed.

You know you have to be the one to break the cycle, you've broken it before, and you can do it again. I have faith in you, if you need someone to talk to let me know.

Ryan x

Thank you all so much..God, what a feeling and how stupid I feel for heading back there. Feels like I do it on purpose cause I know only too well what it brings...complete destruction.

Wanted to thank Julie and Shiny. I know you both don't use your treads as much and just didn't want to go there and dump my sobbing words lol..

Julie - lovely words, it actually made me cry and yep..I did have to run away and hide from work colleagues not to show my weakness.really touching, thank you.

Shiny - wow. I can relate to so much what you say, don't think I would go wrong saying we deal with pain or punishing ourselves in similar manner. I am joining you in a race of life, never perfect but special in it's own way. Thank you for your kind words as always

Dear diary,

Very slowly coming back round. Money is lost and I don't want to get it back. I know it will take time to start feeling better with myself but I am ready to fight. I have to and I know it will be worth in a long haul. No gambling, no pain, no misery and no devastation. Choosing life

S x

Yo,

Thank you for your message . Great to see you are coming through the fog that you've been entrenched in the last few days .

Little steps Hun, it's enough .

Shiny xxxxx

Hi Sandra,

Sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment. The only advice I could offer is some that was given to me a long time ago - make yourself safe. Make the situation safe whatever it takes.

What do I mean by this? If you have to, take the sim card out of your mobile and post it back to yourself in a postbox so you wont have it for a couple of days, if that's what it takes. Get creative, and just find out what extra blocks you can put in place for yourself.

For a long time, as soon as any money came into my account, I would pay all of my bills, and buy a supermarket gift card for groceries so I didn't need to carry a debit card around. Whatever it takes.

A common theme with CG's is we think this is "cheating" we should be able to do it on will power alone. One of the worst words in the English language that "should" who says we "should" do anything? These barriers are a sensible and effective safety net while the "chasing" urges are at their worst. It's not forever, but just gets you out of the "chasing" phase unscathed. Is being successful in recovery cheating? I don't think it is.

Can anyone take your bank cards for you for a few days? Like a relative you trust? Just practical ideas really. Try to think of ways you would get around blocks, and fill in those gaps if you can.

Take care,

f x

Hi Shiny and Freda, thank you both xx

Diary,

w*f! Such a powerful addiction and it is really sickening me. I'm actually sat in disbelief how f****d up it all is. Just went through hell and still hav the thoughts of going back there...on slots. I need to prevent it from happening, I know what ur saying Freda, I need to put barriers in place. I know my bank card details by heart (makes me wonder how quickly we remember these things) so I suppose giving it away not gonna make much difference. Posting sim card to myself, I am actually thinking of it...maybe I should.

Checked my bank, shame and disbelief there. What a waste,, so why I hav into my head "only tenner or twenty". God please if you can stay by my side now, I really need you. I do not want to f**k up again, I know I couldn't handle my emotions.

I brought myself to ring parents. I simply couldn't speak for the last few days. Dad asked me straight away what is wrong with me. Tried to hold my tears back and said, all is ok just tired after work. I know he didn't buy it cause he can feel my distress and sadness about something. Feel really S***e, esp cause my parents send me money couple of months back, to help me back on my feet cause I meant to move out and start it all again. I didn't move out...but I wasted a lot of that money. It's just sick, when he works crazy shifts of 24hrs surrouded by challenging people, risking his health and wellbeing, dealing with other issues in life...and here is me - youngest daughter, sitting in front of a screen and giving money away. Feel ashamed, useless. ..just getting mad with myself again. I will see them in two weeks time, I love them so much and want that safe feeling and to be told that life will never be easy but we are here and now and have to build those bridges to make the most of life.

Ok, I know I f****d up big time.. it's done and I need to break the cycle.tenner will turn to hundreds again ffs sandra why can't you realise it? .. absolute madness.

I am in control, I can pass through it, I have been there before. First steps are always the hardest but they do get easier..I know that for sure.

Dad,mum I will ride the storm for you today.i know I can cause I'm the fighter, just like you two are. Love you

S x

Hi S

That saying I will only put a tenner on we know even if we won on that tenner we would lose it all and put another tenner on and then twenty etc and then feel like total s**t because we cannot win because we cannot stop

The addiction is not really about winning or chasing when we are mesmerised with it I think its just about playing the addiction in the end is to continually play that's how I was towards the end just continually playing and saying just another tenner

It is a self destructive addiction in every way

Ride the storm Sandra if you use cards leave no money in your account it then gives you time to ride it cos you would have to go and get access to play

You are not missing anything by not playing but you are missing everything if you do play

Small steps I know you are a fighter

I am walking by your side

Suzanne xx