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Hi S

Am pushing you along to keep strong and positive

Think of what there is to come not what was in the past You have so much to give and do with your life

We never know what's around the corner and that is what keeps us going through life's ups and downs

Stay safe and take care

Suzanne xx

Hey, thanx Suzanne x

Yo diary,

Sunday and day off. Navigated through the past two days safely but have to admit i needed a lot of support from the side. I know i am wasting a lot of my energy on things i should just let go. Thinking and overthinking blah blah. Enough - i did the nasty, i wasted money and precious hour and a half from my life ..and all this cause of my own choice. I don't hate all those sites, at the end of the day it is MY problem and i am in control to do it or not. As sis said in a earlier post, don't throw stones at your own windows and then cry about it. Yep, my windows got smashed, some insecure situation i created for myself but it all was my choice. How do we call it??...moment of madness i guess.

Sad true about addiction lurking close by for the rest of my life. Probably many more falls on a way cause i can't beat it for good but you know what, as long as my "sane"days outweighs the nasty ones i can live with it. Am i secretly defeating myself here? Maybe i am, i prob making excuses to allow that next blip lol..f*****g gambling head talking by the looks of it. Well, reality is i will not shake this feeling off, all i can do is try and think rationally about the situation. If i gamble - i loose more. If i don't, i will safe more for days ahead. Main problem is i have no goal. Something to motivate me to stay on a straight and narrow. Ok, holiday coming up so i am pretty sure i will gather extra strength for the next two weeks..after that, hmmmm...hmmmm..we shall see.

So holiday soon. And yep, i already start having nightmares about that flight lol. Yes, my other weakness being scared of flights, but i will get over this fear cause i want to see my parents more than anything. If it crashes (or has destiny to be taken down by woteva nasty ppl in this world) well, i suppose it will be meant to be. I will sure have a drink to celebrate my lovely life up in the air at least for a while lol. Ahhh..talking S***e here lol

So, on a more positive things shall we? One of you told me that we are changing every day (Freda if I'm right, thanx girl x). Yep, i can more than agree with that one. The core thing stays the same but we do change in one way or the other. Mine change worries me cause i don't think it is going to the direction it should go. I see my split personality more often and truly don't like that nasty and fake sandra i have to put up with. God i hate to see how i will turn up in the next 10 years let's say. Knowing me i will be still rambling and moaning about life and how unfair it is lol lol. Yep..and will be surrounded by 10 cats with no family cause prob still prioritise my addiction on a low days instead of socialising and making changes in my life...or....tables can be turned upside down and i might be happier person, socialising and enjoying my life. 2 kids with a husband and lovely dog (jack Russel for my liking lol). Lol..i can use my imagination well lol lol

For now, i am just a girl getting more lines on this face as days passes by. Grumpy and frowny lines i must add and all cause it's my choice. Working towards my goals which is....haven't set any yet but i prob will soon.

So here we go diary, a bit of everything for you today and life is wonderful cause sun is shining and i am outside instead of being on one of them sites gifting my hard earned money away..

For anyone who still has their eyes open and not fallen asleep here is a little uplifting and POSITIVE lines to read. (Copied from my earlier entries) but still like to dare to be...

" When a new day begins, dare to smile gratefully.

When there is darkness, dare to be the first to shine a light.

When there is injustice, dare to be the first to condemn it.

When something seems difficult, dare to do it anyway.

When life seems to beat you down, dare to fight back.

When there seems to be no hope, dare to find some.

When you’re feeling tired, dare to keep going.

When times are tough, dare to be tougher.

When love hurts you, dare to love again.

When someone is hurting, dare to help them heal.

When another is lost, dare to help them find the way.

When a friend falls, dare to be the first to extend a hand.

When you cross paths with another, dare to make them smile.

When you feel great, dare to help someone else feel great too.

When the day has ended, dare to feel as you’ve done your best.

Dare to be the best you can -

At all times, Dare to be!”

over and out for today

No gambling and life is goooooooood 🙂

Ps. I'm not /////// lol

S x

Hey girl and not a bad ramble. LOL just keep up them dares and how can ya loose? Glad today is a better day for ya.

"The most challenging thing for human race is to stay on the top when someone/something tries to rule their life"

Sandra

My dear friend,there is something which bounces around my mind a great deal,a saying that I believe addiction truly hates

BE KIND TO YOURSELF

it stabs addiction straight in the eye,it kicks it right up the backside,it rips the life out of it.

And to boot it feels great.

You are testament to that

I salute you!!!

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hey Sandra,

Interesting that you should mention goals. I personally think that goals keep us focused in the right way. They don't even have to have firm time scales attached to them, and can be revised, but it is amazing what they can do for your motivation and sense of "purpose".

My goal for this summer was to reduce my medication. I've been on anti-depressants for 14 years!!!! They work in the sense that they stop you deteriorating, but clearly they are no cure for anxiety and depression, or I'd have been off them long ago. It is still my goal to reduce them, but I've moved the goalposts a bit, as I am moving forward with other things and have learned not to try and do everything at once.

I guess you do have small goals, even if you don't recognise them. To not gamble today, to get through the next shift at work in one piece, to see your family.

Totally agree with duncs - be kind to yourself. Be your own best friend. Have faith in yourself, and don't talk negative stuff to yourself like "I'll never have this addiction under control". Just try to tweak your words when you talk to yourself - "I don't know how to control this addiction long-term yet, but everyday I am learning and becoming stronger". See how the second example is pretty much the same, and not overly positive in a delusional way, but is much less negative. I reel out this example time and again, but there was a time for all of us we never thought we'd manage to learn to walk, read, write, or tie our own shoe-laces. How did we do it? Persistence and effort. The key to almost everything.

Have a great day,

f x

Hey thank you dear friends

Sorry for my negative posts all. Yes Freda i have many goals i fail to see myself..maybe time to get my head out of the sand and look at things for what they are...i will get there.

Will be back with more positivity on a next post 🙂

Keep fighting the good fight dear soldiers. Let's do it!!

S x

LOL yeah payday loans can suck ya dry that's for sure. But yeah can't say I never done one either. LOL never borrowed more than a $100 which is the minimum ya can take out and always paid em back that next payday so yeah never paid more than $10 in interest. But yeah you follow their payment plan and payments It's costing ya $250 for that $100. Yup ain't nothing to mess with unless ya can pay in full that next check.

Hell was telling one of the guys at work about that foam insulation cr-ap that stuck to my fingers so well and said lacquer thinner would of melted it right off. Hell said I used paint thinner and ain't it the same thing? Nope Lol Lol Lol dam guess i ain't spraying these hands full again to see if he's right anyway. LOL but yeah will remember should I need it again.

Hell girl I'm done with them birds. LOL dam the only thing I got left to say to them is enjoy living in your toxic bug free environment and hope your toes curl up, turn black and fall off from walking in it. LOL Lol Lol

Well steady as she goes girl and another fun filled week of who knows what. LOL guess It's just good that life is a mystery and we don't know what's coming for us next. LOL

Hope your work passes quick and no trouble coming your way.

Sandra,

You don't have to apologise for any negative thoughts that you have and write down here, this is exactly the place to write them down. I have bottled up feelings and emotions my entire life, and having nowhere to empty that negativity out leads to a lot more stress and pain inside.

I've had so many loans, credit cards, overdrafts etc over the years, but the ones that have always been the most important are the loans from friends and family. I'm lucky I never had to go down the payday lending route, they are a complete bunch of cowboys, but I might consider getting them off my back even before family. Your parents will love you whatever happens, so make sure you get on that plane and get home - even if it does take a vodka or two to get you one there!

Not long to go now - so don't let those thoughts of just a tenner or twenty suck you in, those are the lies your gambling demon wants you to believe.

Thoughts are with you, stay strong soldier.

Ryan

Thanx my friends,

Dear diary,

Might sound negative but see this as positive. So, back home and made the most freaking embarrassing phone call i hav ever made..fraud detection team in my bank to unblock my card...GULP!!! how bad to listen when they listing ur spendings (good job I'm sane shopper lol) ..50 quid to **** site? -yep, another 50?-yep, another? -freaking yea..another and onother.... 50 quid to ***** site?- yep...50 quid to site in malta being declined?..twice.... - ..yep...

...complete madness and all wanted to say, yep you guessing right i am a compulsive gambler and what now?...hell...i hope i learned from this.

All left to say: Day 7 - feels like lifetime...yes my original headline..hope it can work wonders again..

Goodnight folks keep up the good work and be proud of urselves. Just b cause life is better than you find peace wiv urselves....besides it's too short for other harmful things. Shine the light!!! And just BE

Sandra

Hi S

You are doing it strong and positive keep going Sandra

Embarrassing moments are what gives us our strength to get stronger and wiser well done

Suzanne xx

Hi Sandra,

This is such a tough journey, but ur words have helped so many of us stay strong and I hope u r ok!

U can do this, I know u can! I believe in u!

Stay strong xx

Hey girl and still sipping that Joe and waiting for it to jump start my day. LOL guess I don't want another wasted 4 days off and getting at nothing, but do hate ambition sometimes too. LOL

Got a real taste for some spicy a-ss tacos I do and not so sure that grill will be flaming up this weekend. Guess that could change too though and just gonna follow my belly. LOL

Stay good girl and worry free.

Hi Sis,

Thanks. I'm slowing pulling my head out of my you know what. It's sad that we just can't curse without being edited. it always makes me feel so much better. Ha ha ha.

P will be home in a few and we will more than likely just settle in front of the t.v. She has something wrong with her foot and has a doctors appointment in the morning.

Winding her up would be a sin for two reasons. One because she's a good girl and doesn't need me leading her into a pit and two because she should not be bearing weight on that sore foot of hers.

I can be a real selfish shmuck sometimes. I'm pulling out of the fog. I can feel it. I just get really disgusted with myself sometimes. Thanks for hanging in there with me. ((((Sis))))

Yeah. Almost 6pm here and sun is still up. I was just thinking that. There is a gentle breeze blowing through the window and the yard looks so beautiful.

That rat hole? It stinks like a million cigarettes and everybody staring into machines looking like zombies or maybe folks that have been shot dead but just haven't figured it out yet.

I get nothing from that hell hole. Nothing but heartache and more loss.

There is a ton of stuff we can do and I have some chicken that I am about to heat up. Thank god no awards shows on. It's bad enough that d**n show The Voice is coming back. Good god I hate that show. lol.