...

Hi diary,

Another day another penny earned by hard work 🙂 no looking back this time, i am better than those ugly destroying machines. I am ready to fight.

Have a good day all

S x

Hi Sandra,

Hope you're okay hun, hope that urge to throw money away didn't get you. As you say in your post, you can do it, and you deserve the better life without gambling adding stress and financial worries.

Keep ploughing on, payday gets here eventually. That thought is the same whether I gamble or not unfortunately!

Ryan x

Hi Sis,

Thanks for dropping by and do so any time. And, feel free to write pages if you'd like. My space is a safe space to just put it all down now. No more bottling up or stuffing for me. No more worries about the right way of doing things. There are many right ways. Everybody has to find their own. You my dear sister are wiser beyond your years but, are also right that you have your entire future to look forward to. Young and smart. Now, that's a brilliant combination! P says hey and thanks for the birthday wishes!! I am glad that you are figuring some things out. You will find your way sis. Keep going. Keep fighting. Keep searching. What the hell else is this life for if not to learn and figure stuff out. If it was one long drawn out picnic you and I would find something off beat to break up the monotony. lol! It is good that we have enough on our plates to keep us both busy and off the streets for now, anyway. 🙂 (((((((((((((((((((((Sis)))))))))))))))))))) joanxxxx

Hi Sandra

Thanks for your continued support on my diary, its so great to see your new resolve too ! we really can beat this illness, we need to for our sanity.

Dark Place x

Ditto what Joan has said, she is such a good wordsmith.

All I have to say is 'Up and at em' and I'm not even sure if that is the right phrase but I'm sure you know what I mean lovely lady soldier.

xxx

Thak you all xxx

Dear diary,

Day 19.Just about finished beating myself up for being silly with my recent slip and feel like calmness coming back in my life slowly. Been here before. Time definitely heals. This time i will not give in to urges, this time i will fight back.

Life is for living, it might have taken me 3 times to waste my money away, to finally realise what i really want from this life, and i will keep crawling out of this destroying place called hell..Life still goes on.....Hurt but not beaten...i move on.

Day at a time

Take care all

S x

Morning Sandra

We like to learn the hard way , I could have wrote your post myself , the one common goal been

Not beaten

Take care stay strong

Catch up soon

Castle2

Hi S

Thanks for your ongoing support I really appreciate it.

This is not an easy journey but we are doing it.

Keep starving that addiction, you are doing great.

Onwards and forwards to better days

Suzanne xx

Thank you both

Day 20.

S x

Day 21. Really struggling for words and just simply don't know what's happening in this skull. Zero positivity, if i were you i would stop reading now. Sorry if it sounds low but honesty is the key.

Running away

I cannot stay in one place very long.

Once Frustrated with the things that surround me,

Which at one point I loved

And sometimes still love,

But when the world comes crashing down, like it always does,

In an instantaneous explosion

-and it crashes on me so easily,

I have to fight back the strongest urge to pack up and leave.

Bail out, run away, hop a flight and never come back.

But I know I won’t stay there long either.

Reality has a tracking device on me and I cannot hide- but that won’tstop me from running.

A ticking time bomb is set beneath me at all times and when it goes off and starts to break me down, I take off so I don’t crumble and completely lose it all.

I always need something new and refreshing, completely different from the last, to take me away for a while. A place that doesn’t exhibit all of the bad things that the previous place had, or bring up the negative feelings I’ve attached to it.

But from my experience of playing Hide-and-seek with reality,

I know it won’t be very long until my new found destination develops its own side effects and I’ll hear that bomb ticking beneath my feet once again.

It’s inevitable that I’ll find myself under attack by the anxiety build-up and search for the next available opportunity to escape -and I leap for it.

“There’s nothing for me here anymore,” I hear myself say, and more so, I believe it.

My flame of happiness always burns out so quickly from such small, subtle occurrences, or words or thoughtsthat pile up and begin to smother it- choking out its oxygen supply. I know that feeling all too well as my chest tightens before my sudden breaking point making it hard to breath.

-I admit, I know my mind is making that pile, putting out that candle, setting that time bomb, choking out my oxygen, and creating all of this.

Putting together puzzle pieces of irrational thoughts, coming up with something bigger- letting things escalate, creating a whole new picture that was never there in the first place.

The temporary feeling I get from escaping, though all too short, is enough to keep me somewhat intact… for now.

I know I’m just blaming where I am- my location.

But it hurts to much to admit it’s justwho I am.

I’m at fault

-Always the scared little child running away from her problems

-The one who tries to find happiness instead of making happiness.

Maybe it’s because,

I don’t know how to anymore......

Evening Sandra,

Thoughts play a massive part in everything we try and do, I used to think running was best way out, but like you say it only works short term, so this time I've let my thoughts do there worst but stayed put and come out the other side it took months of doing nothing to final brake the cycle. I'm sure if you stay put you will find away to enjoy what you have in a much better light.

Your posts are always positive to others believe in what you write stand tall and rep the rewards you are due.

Stay strong and safe

Chris

Thanx Chris,

Not sure if i can clearly explain it but i do have belief and positivity towards others recovery. I never put empty words down while supporting others, i believe for them and always honestly wish you all well. Then it comes to my own recovery, tables gets turned around. The ride of the Roller coaster is bumpier than last year. I have changed massively in myself and guess still trying to come to terms of accepting it. Sorry for the negativity on my posts i am just not a happy clappy person in general.

Sometimes i wonder if there is a class of people who cannot accept happiness? It's like feeling alien to the good things continuously entering your life where the need to wreck it all is always close by cause you don't feel worth it all. Maybe i am one of them.

Dear diary,

Day 22..Payday. so what's the plan?

Well, after 22 days of starvation plan is to have some proper food first lol. Gonna put stop to already arising urges and go to the nearest ATM and draw what is left after bills goes out. This way i will stay safe from destroying habit. The last thing i need to do for the next 4 weeks simply stay off the streets and out of trouble having cash on me.

Life still goes on and I'm not giving up on it.

Right...time to visit the seaside for some fresh air, leaving my bank card at home for the safety ...it's strange, we sometimes talk about trust at work. In my place there is a golden rule - do not trust anyone. Broken this rule more than once lol but simple thing i forget myself is i cannot trust even myself.

Have a peaceful, safe and calm rest of the day all.

S x

Yo

Writing this on the bus on my way to work so excuse the mistakes

So much of the opening to your last post I could of written myself it's uncanny.

My councillor every session tells me you can see the good in others , be positive to others , support and show empathy and understanding for their faults

So why can you not do it for yourself.

Bonkers

Am I not as worthy as the next person. Why oh why can I not treat me with the compassion I show others???

Why am I writing you this , cos I suspect we are cut from the same cloth .

Anyways hope yesterday went the way you wanted

Be kind to you today .

Shiny xxxxx

Morning Sandra

Hope you enjoyed your trip to seaside I know that helps clear your head

Interesting with your post and shiny echoing what you say and have to agree , other than the mass financial destruction gambling brings it also leaves us feeling worthless and takes all our self belief , that's where I'm struggling at this moment in time my thoughts are negative I'm a compulsive gambler always am always will be but the reality of it is we are all worth more than that

Keep looking at the big picture where you were when you admitted this awful addiction and where you are right now , progress has been made , this is the longest hardest journey you will ever make but you are making it

The support is always here for you on and off the forum

Castle2

Hi Sandra... like you suggest, its much easier to support other people than it is to support oneself. Ive been following that path for many years. In some respects focussing on others can become another way to escape oneself. I was once a prolific writer to others on this site but in recent times I have pulled back. I always have a little read of folks I have followed over time, such as your good self... and a little think.

Keep up with the positivity in recovery as best ya can. Regards... S.A