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Hi all, thank you for your kind words xxx

This post is for me and just few thoughts to get out of my overriding and racing mind. Not much thoughts about gambling and to tell the true i wish i had my head occupied with fighting urges rather than in a place i find myself in today. Not good at all.

I don't know if i don't try hard enough but really struggling to see positives in my life recently. Yes, i can manage to put some money behind and few years later i can find myself more secured and even have something on my own. But is money the saviour of the emotionally damaged and f****d up state? Now i think even having it all materialisticly wouldn't make much difference. Yes money plays big part in this world but it cannot buy you peace and calmness sometimes. There are so many things you have to go through in yourself where there is no price tag of achieving them. Sorting and separating good and bad, putting pain in a draw and closing it firmly knowing it will still be there but not so exposed and alive for you to see and feel.

Watching the vid of a man jumping into the claws of the tiger not long ago. Something horrible to experience and nearly made me physically sick...what a disturbing view to see and just cannot get my head round this...why?

I've been damaged from quite early age. Some things i carried in my sack going through life i should of left behind long ago but i didn't ...i seem to keep picking more of it on a way. Don't know what to do, shout out loud for help or keep trying to sort it out myself.

i believe i try and that's positive in itself. Today don't feel as i am good person or seeing a light ahead. Feel sick and annoyed with myself.. want to switch off just for once but not with a harmful stuff i tend to turn to. Want to smile and feel myself again, enjoy things around me. The hardest thing to reach for these is i have to do it myself., have patience and strength to move on and be kinder to myself. Have to accept my shortcomings and welcome the person i truly am back.

i needed to get this out. I am not gonna hurt myself or others around me. Just for today i will give my all to see life in more positive way. I am here and only i can make changes for the better...i simply want to.

Day 24. No gambling

S x

o*g what a change of events!!! It is so good to speak to someone you don't know well and proper open ur heart up.

Thank you so so much for helping me to climb out of that dark and scary place i hav found myself recently.

This place has saved more than one life. Mine included

(((((((((((GC)))))))))))

Diary,

Today i needed you more than anything. To get it all out, to read back and understand myself better, as much as others try it is not the same.

Being told i moved on and achieved so much in my journey is hard to believe. Other people always sees more in person than a person himself.

Just a few hours ago i have asked for some help. So hard thing to do and admit that you just can't do it by yourself.

Let me tell you how depressed mind works..you don't see yourself as a human worth to breathe on this earth, you fail to see that actually your career at work is offering you possibilities you would of dreamed of, to see yourself safe in a house for a quite long period of time, to see your parents picking up in their health and being optimistic even about something silly like currency change in a country next year, sister reaching for her goals and working hard studying for a higher grades in a College, little nephew going for his dream as a footballer from an early age, fail to see a friend you share a house with, maybe having tough time but dealing with it all in a more calmer manner, another friend finally finding her path in life and enjoying every single moment with a lovely family, a lady who just got gut wrecking lifetime changing predictions from the doctor, ...all you see is a empty shell and that's the most annoying thing cause you get sooo self centred and seeing only the only way out, of course easiest way out to block all the pain and misery. That's disgusting state to be cause person clearly gives up, loses hope and drive...looses all these wonderful things she could see or be a part of, looses that sparkle to give some support, lend a shoulder and listen. Looses it all only cause thinks it is hell of a lot easier to hide, get in a little ball cause nobody will see her anyway, cause everyone will soon forget the person existed, cause life is not worth the effort..the person wishes she could swap the parts of her healthy body with someone who is more in need for it, who has hope and drive to move on, to make the life worth living.

That's what's going through depressed person's mind. Where the bottom of the fall never seem to get closer.

Selfish? Disgusting? What about all of them people i have just mentioned..and they are just the most important part of my life, what about the others. ..list just goes on..and there is just me, turning a blind eye and ignoring reality.

What about gambling? Hmmmmmm... would i pick life over the last happy jackpot spin? I think i made my choice.

Self centred Sandra has to go and go soon. Life of my loved ones is so important i will keep fighting forever.

I will see them healthy and happy, with pride and achievement in their eyes and i hope by then i can turn this last post of mine around and come back with hell of a fighting spirit...to share with you all that getting out of the darkest of the places is still possible....and gambling in reality plays very very tiny part in it all. It is just mental state and how you deal with things in life.

So long soldiers, keep winning the fight of ur lives

Sandra J xxxxx

Hi Sandra,

Depression is something that goes hand in hand with gambling I think, and I agree that it tends to make people a lot more introverted and when you do feel really in the middle of it that can make it hard to look outside yourself and to see what is going on with the people you love. This isn't selfish or disgusting, its just a part of how depression affects your brain.

Quitting gambling is only half of the issue, because although gambling is a trigger for depression and vice versa for many people, it doesn't deal with the underlying problem. Glad the GC guys could help, just don't become too unselfish that you don't find time to look after yourself too.

Ryan x

Yo,

Willing you to have a better day today .

Quick post coz I am off to work in 5

Just wanted to say it's ok to feel what you feel.

The dark clouds would descended on me every 3 weeks it became so regular I could set my clock by them

Debated for a while with Rach was I bi pola

After 3 days they would start to lift , someone wrote to me once you need to go through the cycle to come out the other side.

But know whilst in the middle of it , I was inconsolable

I get it Hun , not sure if my words will help but hope so

You are in my thoughts and like I said willing you to come out the other side quickly

Try not to be toooooo hard on yourself

Shiny xxxxxxxxxx

Hi S

To get everything out and off our chest is such a big step forward for us, be proud that you have let yourself in to let yourself out.

Depression is not easy to shrug off, and hard for us to recognise when we are going through it.

You should be very proud because you are going through a hell of a time right now.

I am gently pushing you along to come through it.

Keep posting and venting

Sending you strength and positivity

Take care

Suzanne xx

Hi Sandra ..

Just to let you know I always have kept up with your diary as with all the other forum pals who I always popped in to.

For my own recovery I have to keep pushing back into a 3d life and have more understanding now of why people would want to hide away behind a machine in their own head..truthfully I'm bit coping well "out here" but I have to keep going forwards.

GC are helping by keeping me on a tight leash for my own good .( ..a bit like handing my cash card over for someone else to control)..or I slip back into isolation. and become addicted to the forum again!

Just to say that "I get it " as much as I will ever "get it" and that is thanks to a group of people on here, you being one of them who have shared honestly themselves and their emotions.

You all gave me something to connect with that I could understand and I also know that I could have been on the other side of the forum , it just manifested in a different way.

I'm also a gambler and have been behaving like Rothschild believing I had a limitless supply of energy and bounce back ability but I haven't and I ended up dealing with the same as you folks in a cycle of self destructive and self harm.

Progress not perfection.

Keep safe Sandra ....I drive carefully now! 😉

Rachel and Dots xxx

Hello diary,

Well, let's do it...sat at work tonight and was listening to some tunes (break is me time and no work issues aloud in that time lol)..so...looking through my diary and cannot believe how mood start lifting and felt like inspiring myself!! Bloody hell, with my own diary!! Lol..the reality is - it is all of YOU who i found in this journey. Hell of a journey i have to admit and the one i will never have again.

Last week i fell low, it felt like last kick off with a "high" after talking to one of the advisers and few hours later i felt myself going down. Place where I've been before in my life and place where i had to make a choice what to do going forward. ..of course took a back seat and absorbed my recent actions...this year in particular. Eventually found the courage to actually text one of you i met on this site and asked for help. We all know it's not easy to ask for help but because i know that soul so well (in a year miracles can happen lol) i actually admitted that I'm scared of myself and my mindset, that i accepted counselling later on this month and that i need that person by my side while i try to dig myself out....cause im scared as a baby of any change happening, which i know myself WILL hav to happen. i simply stopped coming across as strong and "can do it all" person and put my head down admitting defeat...with myself...thank you and thank you my dear friend which i share house with. S' S will do their best to enjoy the life the way it is 🙂

Rachel, you are talking about friends in ur last post on f&f section and i couldn't agree more. They are the drive and encouragement in life. Someone you can trust and not be scared to show yourself for who you are. Laugh, cry and occasionally fall out cause of silly missunderstandings, but soon laugh it off, be there for them unconditionally and be nicely surprised when they are there for you. Friends means a lot to me and funny but good thing is i found many true and honest friends on here i couldn't even dream of. So...something good come out of bad. You also say in your post that addiction has won...wonna hav a little debate? 🙂 lol..me not looking for a fight but in my eyes your experience of being a victim in all this has made you for what you are now..stronger, wiser (you was always wise) and calmer with yourself. You prob won't agree with me here (it's just my harmless opinion lol) but you been changed for the better...to b able to like yourself more and let life "flow". Anyway, good to hear from you girl and over the moon for you, you just sound in a good place..and i guess you are very close of letting it all go 🙂 b proud, your worth it.

Dear Shiny, my moods are like hell lol. And you might get it and know wot I'm talking about but trust me, only very few souls can keep up with them lol. It's like I've been lucky to feel at peace for the last 24hrs but in the next half hour it can change t opposite. Yep i might have that disorder, but i also know that if i work towards more positive attitude i can at least balance the scale of sudden falls or highs. Gonna work on these with my counsellor. (Bless her she don't know which "Sandra" she is gonna get to talk to every single visit lol). Yep, that's me..angel and a b****h in one.

Anyway. .rambled enough me thinks, feel ok at the minute, gonna try and calm down with my postings (poor friends listening to my moanings recently lol)..and just post when i feel like it.

Oh yea....maybe one more thing.... - No gambling for one month...ready t break my "month" cycle and starve the b*****d to death as Suzanne says 🙂

Here we go, have a lovely time staying free from this habit all, life is not perfect and never will be...but it is life we're given so just mk the most of it. Here or the other side of the fence, let's keep making the right choice and keep looking after no 1 - yourselves.

Thank you all my dear soldiers, you are all in my heart.

Over and out

Sandra x

Hiya Sandra

I think we both know the benefits this site brings and how we would be lost without it , the feeling it brings when reading and posting is inspiring

Keep putting that into your own recovery

Castle2

Hi there lovely lady.

Here's to that wonderful unperfect life.

We can do this, just need to keep the trampoline in place for when we hit those lows. Bouncing back up alongside you heading for the clouds.

Think I have def more than one guardian angel.

Wishes sent your way.

xxx

Hi S,

Thanks for your post, much appreciated as always.

Keep starving that addiction, it hates it.

It's good to read your on the up again on that rollercoaster.

Am proud to be on this journey with you.

Take care of yourself.

Suzanne xx

Hey,

Thanx all

So, getting bk from work early and head straight into slots. Split second.

No damage done.

Not beating myself up cause if i start i can tell you all i am done here and now.

So, head high....i did it cause I'm stupid and bored with my life.

Oh well....well well well lol..keeping my cool and hoping for some good sleep.

Ya know what, that b*****ks is not worth it, you are lonely, sad, depressed or woteva...there is better programs on tv instead.

Hell f**k me and this mindset..day 0.

Fantastic

Can i ever find a answer?

Sandra

there is an answer for you,only you will find it.

Don't be too hard on yourself

addiction loves that,it loves the good times and the bad in equal measure

you are in the eye of a storm right now,don't forget you can always lean on your friends

24/7

life is to precious

Duncs stepping forward never back

Morning Sandra

Come on girl ! where is that fighter i know in you ? we all have slips, its the learning from them.... get up today with renewed strength and kick it in the teeth. Dark Place x

Morning Sandra,

New day, dust yourself off and carry on.

Suzanne xx