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Hi Sandra... I wasn't going to write to others today because well frankly am just too depressed and struggling to actually read properly peoples thoughts. having said that I have read some of your thoughts and folks replies and have now galvanised myself to reply, cos I want to and I relate to what you say.

Am not enjoying writing in my diary either, though I know its good for me and focusses my weary, tired, befuddled and lazy brain. I think about working 7 days a week, just so I can be tired all the time and not have to think. people do do it but unless there job brings great joy to them, they eventually have break downs. My friend is on this course for unemployed folk and this other chap told him about his work obsession all week every week for months on end and then he lost his job and just fell apart.. been on the dole for months now he has.

For me am working 8.5 hours a day, 5 days a week but when you factor in the early starts and long cycles I too am in a permanent state of tiredness which helps in the short term to "not gamble" but when it comes to an end which it will at half term.. I will then be thinking... what next?... its relentless.

Sorry this isn't particularly uplifting, but its written with good intentions and to wish you well in your on-going journey. Cheers for now... S.A

Hey Sandra

ive been reading your latest posts and can identify with them very much.

Sometimes it can feel like groundhog day but sometimes I wake up feeling extremely low and within a few hours I am smiling again...its hard to keep "this too will pass" in mind when your in a funk,

I think its hard to keep motivated especially for those of us who are not for whatever reason in the married / kids club as it can feel like being adrfit at sea with no anchor or purpose.

My own continued recovery had the by product of making me look at truly where I felt at "home". I wondered after reading your posts if you also felt that.

I was trying to imagine how I would feel living in a country that was not my native land and feeling adrift.

I only mention that after reading you were considering contacting the samaritans but if im way off base then ignore that last paragraph 🙂 When I was at my lowest i entertained ideas about going back to live in Yorkshire ,even looking at places to live, but now I cant imagine it but then at the time I did'nt think id ever smile again but I wake up most mornings chuckling over something or other.

Seems like only yesterday I was posting to you in your native language about Xmas dinner ....lol....

keep safe Sandra....always reading ((((S)))) xxxxx

hey Sandra ..:-)

I left a message on f&f for you and also here but they are coming out of sync for moderation reasons explained on Duncs diary! ..lol

Juat wanted to say, which ever message you pick up first i think you are an amazing and truly lovable person.I have no idea how you have coped but coped you have and i think you should be applauded after everything you have suffered.

I dont want to trivialise the original gambling reason you are on this site but knowing a small piece of what has happened i would not blame you or anyone who suffered as you have for trying to hide away and find a way to cope.

Thanks to you and some amazing people on here who have shown great humility and honesty you dont realise how much you have helped me to understand and to try and put myself in your shoes. It makes all barriers dissolve and great healing can occur and all the why why why questions stop and you can just feel a persons pain and feel connected not pitched on different sides,

The people on here like you who i always gravitated to were people who showed their emotions and helped me understand. I could relate to the person and the anger I felt about being hurt by betting disappeared as I could see it was a symptom of something that was causing great hurt and pain.

That level of intimacy was never to happen whilst I was in the relationship I was in and I knew deep down it would never be there. It would have just been strategy and technique but no intimacy and nothing to connect with.

I do often fantasise about meeting up with the special people who have been so important during the rock bottom of my life and just having an opportunity to say thank you from the heart and give you the biggest hug ever.

I hope you keep talking Sandra and stay on the forum which has become your second home ...There are so many layers to the onion of recovery and as we peel off the layers the healing tears can come. I definately think the older i get, is that its not about adding more on to our lives but peeling off whats not necessary any more.

Keep safe lovely lady ...12 course meal !! ...lol ....still laugh out loud at your M6 post....!!

sandra

I have walked in your shoes,f**k I wore holes through them!!

You are not alone and to boot Rach does not tell a single lie.

I am here to walk with you, alot of good folk are.

Never give up giving up.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi Sandra,

I've rang the Samaritans before, I think it's more common than you would imagine. People finding it hard to be alone with their feelings.

I watched a great documentary-film the other night about positive psychology and the study of happiness. It was very uplifting! They looked at the things that happy people have in common, and although some of it is not easy to make happen like having a strong support network of friends and/or family, there was loads of other stuff that can be done to raise happiness levels and feelings of wellbeing. Big ones were connecting with nature, whether that was walking in the woods or gardening, experiencing "flow" as they called it, which is doing something you enjoy and are good at until you become completely absorbed in it, or "in the zone" (unfortunately a lot of us here found that in gambling!!!), meditation, performing random acts of kindness. It was really interesting!

I have a psych degree, and we only really studied what happens to people when it's all gone wrong! it would've been really interesting to have looked at preventative positive stuff too.

I think there is a website called "project happiness" or something like that, which has a lot of info on the findings, and how to enhance your happiness.

Anyway, feel like I'm rambling here so I'll bog off! lol

Take care,

f x

Hi Sandra... hope your ok. Nothing wrong in making use of the Samaritans. I have several times over the years. They listen non-judgementally. Now that's a good thing. Anyway thoughts are with you... Take care... S.A

Hi S,

Thanks for keeping an eye on me.x

Am pleased to read all is good over there.

Main thing is you, look after yourself and stay safe.

My lovely Mum used to say wash that S***e right out of your hair, whatever it is, she was sooo right.

Suzanne xx

Hi Sandra,

Hope you're okay and that you are finding a way to go forward without slipping back to gambling. Sometimes it is a rollercoaster, I just pray it will be a smooth train ride for you for a little while to let you recover. Positivity is such a good thing when you have it, and a really difficult thing to find when you are on the downhill slope of the coaster.

You may not be able to fix everything at once, but just fixing one thing at a time is still a step in the right direction.

Thinking of you,

Ryan

Just echoing what the others have said really - you can do this! I feel your pain that it is hard sometimes, I feel it too at times, but we are worth it! Even more than Cheryl Cole and her silly new nose 😉

Take care,

f x

Hiya Sandra

This journey is so hard I feel every emotion your going through as I have experienced them all and in many ways still am , but we are making it and that's a statement in itself , you certainly know how to fight and I take strength from that and put it in my own recovery

We will keep fighting this side by side

Castle2

Hi S,

I so much admire your determination and stamina to keep going.

You never give up on giving up,

Your recovery is an amazing journey, be very proud.

Suzanne xx

Hey wee pal,

Just point here cos I feel guilty that I've not been as vigilant as I should be.

Would you mind if I commited to weekly texts on a Sunday just to check in with you cos I'm not here very often and dont really trust either of us to text when we're struggling- sometimes I'm weeks behind!!

On the good note, i love and value your help!

Take care

Irene

x

''There's no need to be afraid I will sing with you my friend'

'We're 'all wonderful wonderful people finding our voices'.

I am tone deaf so will be a heck of a row but who cares.

Thinking of you and sending strength and hugs.

xxx

Yo.

You know what had that same feeling today, head above water.Spooky ........

Feels good though , hay Hun no need to feel shakey when you post ...... Remember your among friends who wear that shirt every day 🙂

I for one would never judge anyone coz well who am I to judge still trying to put my own self together .

Work in progress .........

Take care Hun , if all else fails we will both buy a snorkel off ******* lol

Shiny xxxxxxx

Morning Sandra

Keep making full use of your diary , letting it all out is exactly what it is there for , I know it's helped me endlessly , I often write stuff I regret but it's how I felt at the time whether it be good or bad , likewise for you I know one thing we would both be lost without it

Take care catch up soon

Castle2