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Hi S,

Well done for making that call.

Suzanne xx

Good morning diary,

So into day 16 and feeling a lot calmer. Funny thing I've got a letter through the post yesterday and it was one of them "you have your bonus" thing. Usually i chuck them out straight away. This time i opened it, read through lovely promises and exciting possibility of a big win and great time spend enjoying the game..lol..what a b*****ks. Anyway, just left it in a kitchen and not sure why..maybe was waiting for urges to hit and go ahead buying my "entertainment"...next time i come in a kitchen i saw it still lying there..hell i didn't blink twice before ripped it to pieces. Nothing...complete empty feeling and praying to god for this to last....

All is ok. Rang sis with intention of apologising about yesterday. Hell...bless that girl and still not sure why she didn't open up yesterday. Too much pressure on her and do feel for her. Crazy hours at work, school runs, after school activities for the boy and to top it all off - studies. Hell, she sounded so tired and low. Gonna be there for her of course and get through it together somehow. I just can't believe she can be so secretive sometimes...well, i can..i was the same.

So after all,self centred sandra waking up and seeing there is people struggling more than me...and knowing it's my own blood i will never turn my back on her. So some time out I'm gonna plan out to help her with studies and to have that spare time for the fresh air and winding down. Unbelievable how i feel so anxious and house bounded i am actually planning things outside ...socialising. Feels good already, i also help myself by supporting big sis :))))

Getting piece of myself back each day i abstain. This time i am gonna do this. Recovery is something so precious for me and even if i lost my belief so many times over this summer i am ready to live again and set myself free.

For now..face down to the grinder as my sis from over the pond says 🙂

Stay safe all and keep up the good fight

Sandra x

...this song suits nightshift workers lol..let's glow through the darkness 🙂

Back to work then...lol

<a href="https://

http://youtu.be/DKRRg150OY U">

http://youtu.be/DKRRg150OYU

Ps...well i must b on a roll lol..

..i am really sorry i cannot post and support others for such a long time. Thoughts are all over the place recently and really don't want to come across negative on my own diary...let alone on others.

But i will be back. I know i can get where i was at the start of the year. Recovery will aid me on this pursue.

..and Rachel..not sure where your post still is since last week. Must be something nasty lol for moderators to take it off all together...joking here 🙂 can't be worse than mine earlier last week.

Ok, lights out..feel very calm and at peace. I know this feeling and i will work hard to feel it more often going forward...as our dear Shiny says - head above the water 🙂

Day at a time

S x

Hi S,

Thanks for your supportive message.

I hope you have a good sound sleep and wake up feeling refreshed and calm.

Take care

Suzanne xx

Thanx Suzzane,

Diary,

So my second home changed the image and even my username lol lol..a..plus ohh no - the little box has got smaller!!!!lol. .all good stuff 🙂 to be honest don't like these changes but i don't like a lot in my life but can adapt to everything quickly. At least this hopefully will stop me from rambling about unimportant things in life and concentrate on my gambling recovery.

Simple and sweet - no gamble.
Day 17.

Ohhh..i did set a counter of days gf on my profile but it has started from 0 lol.

Hope people carries on using this helpful site and reap the benefits it offers. Abstinence is a priority.

Take care all and stay safe

S x

Hi Sandra

We noticed that you said you were having problems using the 'last gambled' tool on your profile. If you go to 'edit profile' and then click on 'date last gambled' and then use the little calendar that pops up to select the day you last gambled, it should start the counter from there - so if you are on day 17 you can select 17 days back from now.

Hope this helps and that you feel you quickly get used to the new site.

Best wishes

Forum Admin

Thank you admin for your kind comment and help.

Dear diary,

I nearly gambled today. As close as putting my card details down. Only then i asked for my card i was questioned what for...straight away i lied, i said to pay for online shopping and as soon as i got my card in hand...i stopped and had a think. The comment my friend made got me thinking. Obviously no trust there and i fully understand that. I was told "woteva you use your card for, i will know if you have gambled"...so so true cause i just cannot hide it anymore. It would be written on my face...i know that and can tell i am like open book these days.

So what made me think of gambling? ...was too tired after last two shifts to occupy myself with something useful. ..peed off with my situation plus money burns hole in my pocket...yet....i can't find a motivation to spend it on something what would bring me or others joy...funny that cause surely time to visit a hairdresser...still no motivation. ..

Absolutely scared cause starting counselling tomorrow and to b fair i nearly rang her to cancel it cause really don't feel ready for emotional roller coaster. I fully know i will be flooding with tears when i see her..full break down..admitting failure once again. ..

It is not easy....but i have to do it. For me and everyone else around me.

Hopefully some good sleep will help...
i hate being compulsive gambler but it's something i cannot change. I deal with it

Life goes on

S x

Hi diary. Writing from my phone so no spaces will accure in this post heh..packed my laptop and tablet long ago and will only use them then feel like i found my own self..which doesn't make sense i suppose but i know what I'm on about lol. So, as predicted very painful session with a counsellor yesterday. I shocked her apparently with my weary and depressed look...hell...why it has to show on my face?..anyway, i did cry and surprised myself there. Last time i had sessions i only cried on a last one saying goodbye, but god d**n i broke down straight away yesterday and prob used all her tissues.. (something to bring over the next time i go lol)...keep putting "LOL" down even if things looks gloomy..hey, what can you do if you get yourself into all of this..laugh or cry...since no more tears left, i shall laugh...you know diary i had a very long and good think about this site. Finding my recovery, meeting so many great souls on here. I have always been myself and shared my journey with all of you. Over the time i got to the stage where i was over honest and i do regret few posts i have put down but it is what it is. I have connected with many of you, through the soul and even if this got me to dark and sad places on some occasions i treasure you all with all my heart. This place is magical and i found you get what you looking for at the time. As always time comes where we move on. Find new interests, hobbies, path ahead. Even if i feel like i am stuck in one place since my relapses i tend to ignore the bigger picture of how far i have come..and i have come far in myself. Maybe my journey is not straightforward and smooth, maybe i kept tripping and letting emotions take over, maybe i trusted other souls too much and maybe i hurt others on my time being here....still...Every single one of these was a lesson i will take on board and remember going forward. Life is not perfect but we are in a driving seat to make it as comfortable as we can for ourselves and the ones we care for. Ramble over. I will not gamble today...my money, my dignity and peace of mind stays with me. (Not too selfish lol). It can be done guys, recovery can give so much happiness and opportunities. ...You all are worth it. Do you believe in yourself? S x

Hi Sandra, I have been reading your posts this afternoon (you brought a tear to my eye, guess i'm an emotional guy !) right now I need all the help i can get, so i just wanted to say your thoughts have made think there is a chance for me, hope the week-end remains gamble free.- Paul

sandra,

Many thanks for your post on my page.

Continued strength and best wishes,

gazza

Thank you both 🙂 Diary...well well..being honest to myself as always. Thursday i faced a life and death question and used temporary escape from my emotions. No fun at all..but i guess it is what it is. Never giving up cause i will get there one day. No matter how much of my energy and wellbeing it will cost - i am determined to get there. . For the new and better tomorrow! !! Anything is possible...S x

Ps diary. Gonna make myself feel better and point out that last 3 times i relapsed it was like 10-20 quid blips. Maybe i just learned to control myself? Lol...controlled gambling? ? Hmmmm...nahhh not for me. Total abstinence is the only way forward. ...but that will come in time in my case...i know it will. Over and out x

Good morning diary. Not sure why i keep coming back on here tonight but some really unsettling thoughts going round in this head. I cannot believe i had a cheek to mention "controlled gambling" in my previous post cause let's face it, if i was able to do it i wouldn't be here and now on this forum taking recovery on board...so, taking that nonsense out of my head i thought about my journey a little. Do feel like i have come to crossroads. No need bloody excuses for my actions and as we all know woteva happens in life or affects us in one way or the other is not whacking our fingers to keep reaching for that d**n button. .in other words, we are making our own decisions and making those choices...so...i had a think..firstly i don't know why but i struggle to commit to my recovery 100%. When and how it has changed is beneath my understanding. I know i want to succeed in all of this and i cannot "play" about with my recovery..the slope is getting slippery and i know the outcome just too well if i carry on as i do now...i had put myself in near future. ..well, let's say 5 years away from now. I see two different people and two very different lives...and it depends on me which life i chose to lead from now on..i guess it's not much sense but i truly know what I'm trying to express here. I see a middle age woman (not sure if 35 is that age lol)..i see her lonely, weared out, depressed and with no roof above her head...scraping for crumbs to help her to survive till next day...i don't even see her having debts cause she sold her passport to get the fix, outsider of the society and probably making the worse of the worst decisions and putting herself in danger every day to feed her one or the other addiction. ...her family long left her to be and nobody wants give her a second look because she hates everyone and blames everyone for who she had become...hates the world
.....i look the other way and see this woman..maybe few more wrinkles from few years ago trying to sort her life out and set herself free. That peaceful look on her face with spring in her step walking around the shops...more likely buying something nice for her house she not long ago been able to buy for herself. .looking forward to come back home to the family. (Tricky here lol..cause i guess i would be happy with a dog and not other soul sharing the house...but who knows lol). I see her being proud of herself for yet again proving she can do better at work and holding respectful position. ..I see her free from worry and pain, looking ahead and believing in miracles. ..i can tell she likes herself and managing to share smiles all around...having friends and a chat at the coffee table about fitness and healthy lifestyle. ...and hell...she even stopped smoking! !!
....just a little imagination going on here...but more than half of it is possible if i start making the right choice NOW. What shall i pick? I guess if i want to live i want to live the life stress free with few quid in my purse. Option 2 sounds just up my street 🙂 enough said...no gambling today. Time for some rest to make my choice possible and earn few pounds later on today. Sorry for boring you all...thank you for reading the ones who haven't nod off yet 🙂 day at a time....building bridges to get me where i want to be in this life. S x

Hi S,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, very honest strong post, Option 2 can be achievable, look how far you have already come on this recovery, Hope you get some sound sleep and wake up refreshed and looking forwards.

You are a strong lady be proud that you are never giving up giving up.

Take care

Suzanne xx