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Hey guys and thank you for your kind words,

Dear diary,

Some emotional pain seing few soldiers being hurt recently, but none of us can give up on giving up. The only way is forward and each of us will keep the belief, strength and termination going. As of this ugly habit - middle finger at you beast!

Not too bad day so far, seen councillor and..well..all is ok.

No gambling and that's what matters the most for me now!

Stay safe and be kind to yourself all good people. Anything is possible if we set our minds to it..

S x

Hiya Sandra

Im Still a bird for now lol suppose it could be worse !

Another good day for you and that's all thst matters lets hope they continue , there is a lot of pain on here at times a reminder to us all of what we are dealing with , like you say just got to keep on fighting

Castle2

Heh heh castle, being a bird symbolise freedom and im sure you don't mind spreading the word of it....lol..had to laugh here cause a song from family guy (about the bird sprang to mind)..sorryyyyy..lol..good to see you going strong my friend and thank you for your ongoing support. ....

..Diary, one of them days where my head screams to isolate and hide, but heart strongly protests and shouts out to keep connected and talking. One of them..f**k it all days and of course demon is tapping on the window to join my hopeless party.it is very annoying cause i don't think like i go online and try few spins..tenner or so...ohhh no! My mindset is soo wrecked that i think to go and spend it all i have. In other words, if your about to play with a fire, just pull the trigger and set yourself free from pain. Job done.

..Well, i have to say i am surfing that wave and as darkness started to creep on me, i still see some rays of sun. Sort of weighing positives and negatives in my life. Proud to say that at this precise minute good is outweighing bad..phewww lol. Even if i struggle to see that escape route from these feelings i am choosing to wait until door will open again and i can go out without giving much fight and energy away.... today is absolutely great day if i could manage to shake off that shadow following me everywhere i go..i am safe as long as i allow myself to stay safe, it is my sister's birthday today and happy to share smiles with her. Heard from our soldier Carla, which never gives up on giving up. Plus she just had some snow in Canada and sure it feels Christmassy already. Today is our wee pal's Irene 2yrs anniversary of being free from this habit. There are many many positives surrounding me today and i only hope to break through this dark cloud quickly to join the celebrations of being here and now. ..life goes on and ...life without more self inflicted pain in it. Will not gamble today..just tiny steps forward. Stay safe and at peace all. Take care. S x

Hi S

Stay strong and ride through it, kick those horrible thoughts into OBLIVION, I know what you mean about the tenner being no good, it would have to be the lot, the very last penny we can get our hands on,hoping then it would be game over, but we know it's not, it would start up again, you are doing great, I can read the fight in you, it won't last, those awful waves of destructive thought,

Just think what you can do with your money, walking along side with you and willing you to abstain.

You are a lovely lady and you deserve so much more than literally burning your money to gambling.

Stay safe and strong

Suzannexx

Hi Sandra,

understand your diary today makes so much sense on my journey so far, I've just got fed up of pulling that trigger my finger has blisters and my family don't deserve the same bullet keep fighting keep resisting let the true you shine through its not nice to look in the Mirror I have struggled for years but nowadays I can have a little look have a nice evening and well done on your upward journey x

the bear x

Hi Sandra,

Glad you're seeing some of the positives today, and that you can shut the door in the face of those whispering demons. After a few more small steps, you'll soon look back and see all the way you have come. Keep kicking a**e and knocking heads!

Ryan

Morning Sandra

Gremlins sorted the little birdy as flown away you could say the bald eagle has landed lol all a bit of good fun sometimes that's what we need in life , hope you have had a better few days since tues , which I am sure you have if not I'm sure better ones will follow

Keep making the right choices always here for you on and off the forum

Castle2

Hey and thank you all..Diary,..where to start?. Well i shall begin with today being day 2 in my journey. I dealt the cards with devil so to speak on Wednesday. No damage done financially..just the usual beating myself up, feeling powerless, angry, dissapointed and useless. .all the feelings i could easily avoid if stayed clean..it's very complicated, cause deep down i don't wonna gamble...I've got some goals to reach in my life after all...its just sometimes i feel so pushed in a corner and the only thing i want is to forget i exist. .if that makes sense, and that's where i end up getting that feeling playing with the devil...i self excluded myself from the site and all its partners (20 of them..hell, these companies grows fast!)..anyway, i am back on track now..so it seems and starting once again. Weirdly i couldn't speak or voice my feelings last two days..except one person who hasn't got this problem but was dished out to deal with it as a result of a crippling relationship. Life is full of surprises, good or bad, but we always manage to stand back up on our two feet and have another go in succeeding going forward. Thanx Rachel and all of you who never gives up on me.. .Stay safe all and have a peaceful and lovely weekend. Sandra x

Hi dear Sandra,

Don't be too hard on yourself, it's a hard journey to do, and at least you stopped before damage was done, am very pleased to read you have got straight back on the right path, anyone of us on here can slip at any time, you have the courage and strength to never giving up giving up, well done , be proud of yourself, because you get straight back up and carry on.

Take care and stay safe,

Suzanne xx

Hi Sis,

Just a flyer by to say hey and that I am around all weekend. Trying to stay calm and clean. One minute at a time. One hour at a time. Getting through the hours and then the day... Yup... ((((((Sis))))))) -joanxxx

Thanks S,

You have a good day too

Suzanne xx

Thanx girls 🙂 ..so diary, was posting an entry this morning and ..heh..kind of embarrassing to admit - i have passed out!! Lol..hell woke up with a phone nicely planted in a corner of the bedroom (must of been doing some karate in a sleep lol) and yep..gc still on show 🙂 ..well, sort of mood changed by now and i guess i will make it as new entry. So good to see lovely souls voicing their thoughts again, i know how hard this quest is at a times...very hard, but also very important in recovery. Getting it all out..good bad and ugly. This community is wonderful and it is like a gang of musketeers! !! One for all and all for one 🙂 . Each and single one of us has a choice to make today to better ourselves and everyone around us. We can do it..we are doing it. Life is for living, some awesome opportunity to express ourselves deep down from our souls...stay safe all..no gambling for me...and for all of us. Enough is enough. ..keep being kind to us. ..day at a time, no less no more. S x

Good morning diary,

. ....and then you think you getting there with letting it all go...the huge weight lands on my shoulders once again..sigh...lol..must be me and i will survive..i have to. Moving on and not looking back...i haven't left anything there ..only pain, hurt, Dissapointment and misery.

..No gambling. .no no no...soon be home time, rest time, new begging of the day time.

.let's do it! ! Let's fight with what is left .

.S x

Diary, back for some more ramble..awe well, why not this beautiful morning lol. Driving in a fog associated with "fog" we have to go through in our heads...yep, had plenty of that recently. ..by my own silly decisions so no sympathy needed pls lol. I really want to know what happened with me this summer? ...and more importantly why i kept slipping since..i am quite stubborn lol..but i do want to know! !. Simply because i want to change my behaviour. It is very scary place to be, when you lose control. .repeatedly...i need to get a grip for once...proper grip to see me at least through few months..that's for the starters because i really believe I would keep the engine going after that. How to build the days up without giving in to devil? Simple isn't it? You just don't give in..make a choice for the day and job done...but what about a mindfook which comes unexpectedly and drills negative thoughts in. What about sadness, pain, rage, self loathing and weakness? ...still keep fighting i guess. Is it gonna be enough to see me safely reaching for that other end? ...i am sure i am just rambling away in my own tune here lol...but i feel i need to get harder on myself from now on..really do..how hard and am i gonna cope? - who knows...but some serious measures has to be taken to stay safe.

.i can proudly announce i am ready to face my running track again lol..yes..i miss my run..addiction took it away from me..all the motivation and drive..i need to get back on the road..it's been over 2 months and i feel it's not very healthy to sit on my a**e...my weight is dropping drastically (yep some stress and no appetite adds to that) but i know that healthy exercise brings appetite back up, offers you better sleep and gives u toned body....hell yea, i will get back on track.....

...but firstly - sleeps!!! Haha..been a long day and night..need to recharge my energy if i want to reach for my goals.

.Sorry for such a ramble the ones who is reading...even though i guess you left my tread after the first line lol..still..thanx for reading 🙂

Night all..stay safe, happy, upbeat and determined. More over - proud for making this journey possible. You are all doing this!!
(((((((All))))))))

.S x

Hi... it is me thanking you for your recent thoughts.

We seem to have similarities in our states of mind at the moment. How not to give in when times of weakness come along?... it is not easy. Like you say when a few months gambling free have passed, it does tend to get easier... but these first few days and weeks are like hell on earth. Strong the one minute, weak the next. Gotta keep working at it eh, the alternative is very grim indeed.

Great stuff with getting back on the running. I also went for a run yesterday. It does help. be sure to eat and get plenty of rest afterwards and sleep! Take care... S.A 🙂