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Oh Sesuo, what a wonderful post 🙂 Thanks for the mention but the pleasure is all mine, you are a wonderful friend! Yes, a few cuts & bruises from the last couple of days but I'm here & standing unlike Mr Gamble...You go girl!

Squeeze those arms tight coz that's as close as you'll get to a hug from me 😉

& now print this post out & stick it on your memory board...This is what recovery is all about & I'm so very proud of you!

Thank you my amazing friend ☺..never change girl, you are one in a million!

Dear diary,

Don't feel like sleeping and recent days must of triggered many memories back.
..i miss parents and sister..some memories coming back where all of us were together...we had a good time as a family..we used to go out to the forest where we used to have picnics..it was happy family time. Always with smile and safety feeling around me.
My Dad has always been strict but in a strange way, and always carried on (still does) the light and assurance of things..i don't recall him ever slapping me or raising his hand if i was naughty...on the other hand my Sister got more stick from him..but she is very different to me and up till now i think she should show more respect to parents.

...late evening. I open my eyes and look around the room.i hear voices in the kitchen but can't really make out what are they talking about..i look around the room...hell..my head is pounding like hell. What happened? Why im asleep? How long for i was out?..i climb out of bed and make my way to the kitchen..my sister, Mummy and Dad sat at the table. Gaze turns to me..Dad has a thunderous look on his face but it breaks to something i am not used to - hurt, worry, care..my sister has a weird look..sort of "you in trouble" look on her face..and a little sneery smile which makes me very uncomfortable...Mum...she looks worried and very very guilty...
...i start to come round. I am offered dinner and asked to sit down. I can tell Dad is trying his best not to grab me and give me a shake...still..i see love and care in his eyes at the same time.. after few questions and quick check up of my eyes and forehead i am being left wondering what happened today...why i feel guilty and in a fog?
" why did you do it?"
- I made a mistake and only tried to take headache away.
- " how much did you take?"
- I don't know..can't remember..it was early morning and dark..i only grabbed few of them so my pain goes away"
- what did you do next?
- i went out to school...and i can't remember what happened next.

...that's the memory i shall carry for the rest of my life.

I shall write more later..i feel tired and drained..i am just getting rid of some stuff and this diary is the place for that in my recovery of becoming a better person.

Nite all

S x... ( i am at peace ☺)

Hi Sandra, everything's good in Gingers world thanks:-) ..nice day down saaf..no sun cream required though lol..keep at that puzzle Coo Coo, I've been working on the Ginger one for over half a century and sometimes on the bleep days (thanks Junie) I often wonder if all the pieces are there to complete it lol..but we must keep trying cause 'if and when' we reach that "EUREKA!!" moment, we know what that means...chocolate medals and Ginger biscuits all round;-)))

keep on keeping the faith Sx..OAU..Ginger x

In amongst the banality of most posts on this forum you sometimes come across something meaningful & honest & true. Thankyou for sharing Sandra. I sense a difference in you. Yes the pain & the anxiety are still a long way from being dealt with, but you have stopped running from it. Recovery now has a chance to catch you up.

Dan x

Hi Sandra thanks for popoing over to my diary. I am very proud I've went 100 days however I've read to dairies of people getting so far and then gambling. So although I'm happy to be at 100 I'll be happier tomorrow to be at 101.

Hope your doing ok I see you have had a few hard days.

Hi Sister!

Sorry I have not been around much - crazy a*s life mine is these days too! You have a beautiful soul and never forget that.

I didn't entirely understand all of your last post, or think I did but not sure, but it doesn't matter really - what matters is you feel safe here, and are unburdening yourself and sharing some painful memories from long ago. Keep pouring it out - it is extremely brave, but extremely good for you, too.

((((((HUUUUGE HUGS)))))))

f x

Hey Freda and all of you wonderful souls.
Sorry for the confusion...i was gonna write about my memories morning before i woke up that evening, but i simply cannot spit it out. It was bad time and wrong choices made..maybe just the start of self destruction at early age...but since i was "saved" i decided to leave this story behind. It's not for this forum...even if most of you understand...maybe one day,when time is right.

Thank you very much for your posts.
All is good with me. I didn't sleep a lot this morning..maybe an hour nap but i still feel at peace ☺.
No urges, absolutely peaceful time....maybe just maybe i am accepting my past and making the change. The time will show.

Heard from our Carla...am over the moon for you girl and am looking forward to see you joining us in the quest of searching for better/ calmer future..

I guess i best have an early night..what a week! Wow...so much learned and realised even i struggle to fit it all in my head lol...soooo much to share to explain myself better but once again that's my battle which I'm dealing with.

I am making progress...don't loose your faith in me guys.

Thanks

Sandra...over and out ..catch up with you all soon xxxx

Hey Sandra,

Don't feel you have to inhibit yourself on your diary. YOU decide what is right to put down here, noone else (well, maybe the moderators, lol)

I always feel it's such a shame when I see deleted posts on diaries, because it's all part of all of us. The good, bad and ugly. We all have feelings, thoughts, stories that we feel are not OK. That people would reject us if only they knew what we were really like. Actually, I think that's what brings us closer. We realise we are not "the only one". We couldn't know that while we were all walking round with part of us hidden, though.

I remember recently seeing on a dear friend's thread about going home and watching P**n to block it all out. Straight after, someone else said "I've been there". I also was nodding my head, but thought "well it's not a P**n addicts forum, so I'll maybe share another time". ha ha!

That, though, is an example of something that could make someone feel isolated, alone and ashamed - but loads of us are at it!

Keep marching, you've found your stride.

f x

Hey thanks Freda ☺

Dear diary,

Another day and weeeks seem to fly by. Having a little cold which I'm sure will clear in it's due course (gotta blame my Sesuo of course for suggesting to go galavanting in the rain lol..so yup..did that and brought back headache and sore throat! :-P)
One more shift to get through and weekend off..doesn't matter if won't do a lot, i need to look after myself and get better ...do hate colds and even if it's rare accurance - none of us are made of steel!

So..do feel like live double life last few days. The terrors in dreams still haunts me and by far i think today was the worst. Not sure why i keep getting them cause sure not thinking of the past while contious. Plenty of sweats and i believe tears in my dream but woke up feeling relieved it was only a bad dream. The reality is, it was never as bad in my childhood as my subconscious told me last night. ..but there were some traits indeed. My amazing lovely Mummy...maybe just maybe we are making amends through the dream world. I feel like we do!

Anyway, woke up quite refreshed (sore throat aside)..got a spring in my step..heard from sister, few fellow soldiers and life seem to tick along ok..just for today!
No thoughts of gambling...not for today and it feels like blessing!

Keep at it all dear soldiers..nothing changes if nothing changes and i am getting stronger with each day to start making those most important changes in my life about which i shall talk later on..i can but try to make a difference right ☺

Never give up on giving up, we live once!

S x

Hi S

Just read your post. Im tied up today but will reply later. Just wanted to let you know im not ignoring you, as i know how sensitive us addicts can be lol. Will do check in for 90 day challenge later also. Its going to be ok 🙂 x

Sorry for the delay in getting back to you its been a mad day?

Thats a big question to answer & if i had a finite answer i would be a very rich man. All i can tell you is my experience of it & what has worked so far for me.
There was no big breakthrough in mindset, no light bulb moment when it all became clear. Its a process, a slow & imperfect one at that. I believe it begins with acceptence & surrender. Not admittence that your an addict but acceptence of the fact that is what you are. Lots of people dont see the difference but they are poles apart. It wasnt a quick or easy undertaking for me & it has taken years to get some real sense of self back.
To fight something as intangible as addiction doesnt make sense yet that is how most go about it & why most fail. What are they fighting against? A feeling? How do you fight a feeling? You cant. Yes you can ignore it or distract it for a while but it will remain.

Addiction is just learnt behaviour on how to avoid our feelings. It soothes us when life becomes overwhelming. We can not unlearn that addiction will do that for us any more than we can unlearn the alphabet. But what we can do is learn less destructive ways to tackle our feelings. This is only done by talking about them, acknowledging them & yes that word again accepting they are there & they matter.
In my GA room we talk about these things, we discuss our feelings & our failings & also our triumphs & achievements. I find my ability to honestly tackle my issues comes from the power of that room. This is not the way of all GA rooms & a lot are very much based on abstinence even though this is not the way of the program.
We actually talked about our social unmanageability last night as part of our Step 1 work. How social situations would create anxiety in us . You know the drill, either not turn up or if you did,get mortally drunk, offend everyone & end up being sick in the corner. Its all part of our fear isnt it? Being judged, not feeling good enough for others, people pleasing , not living up to our pereived expectations others have of us. That terror when we are not in complete control of our situation & surroundings.

GA has worked for me because i have committed 100% to the program it has to offer & i have never seen it not work for anybody who does the same. But its hard, really hard work. You feel worse before you feel better. The pay off tho for all the terror & tears that accompany 12 step is like something i never believed was possible. Peace, serenity happiness.
I couldnt do it alone & im not sure those who have the level of sickness i had & that i recognize in many on here can either.

No one wants to go to GA or sit in a shrinks office initially but when their is no place else to run they will both be there waiting for you with open arms.

Dan xxx

Hi Sandra
Great positive end to your last post minus the dreams and sore throat.
Hope you feel better soon and I hope the dreams fade or diminish fairly soon for you.
Enjoy your weekend off
Cheryl xxx

Hey S

Yes 12 step has given me an awareness of myself. It is a life program, not a stopping gambling program. By living them it creates a place where you no longer need to use.

Gambling is as you saying merely a symptom of deeper issues. What addiction gives us is a place hide from life & the pain that our life upto that point has given us. It allows us to escape from the chaos in our heads for a short while. Trouble is addiction is only a temporary solution to a permanent problem. So if we dont directly tackle those issues which bought addiction into our lives to start with, chances are we will always continue to return to the behaviour.

There are some great writers about addiction out there. Some 12 step based some not. Check out people like, Gabor Mate, Stanton Peele, Lance Dodes, Johan Hari (please avoid Allen Carr) & many more. They all have very different beliefs about how addiction is tackled, however one thing is always agreed on. Honestly facing your past pain & dealing with it is the only long term solution.

Dan x

So sorry to hear you have been proper poorly and hope you are feeling so much better now. Typical of you that even when you are llaid low you think of others and the text was much appreciated as suffering with post holiday blues as had to leave my ex in Spain, he is not ready to come back and maybe never will as his cancer is not treating him well. I have to respect his choice but miss him.

The monkeys were waiting on my return and are screetching in my ears but so far have resisted, feels like returning to work fighting them off as you know so well.

stay safe and well and speak soon lovely lady

xxx

Thanks dear soldiers...just a tune i quite like 🙂
Music does save me from trouble most of the time!

https://youtu.be/EWMP-zzPrJI

Dido rocks 😀

S x