...

Music helps to change the mood.

Dido is just ace!

S.A 🙂

Hi coo coo,

Famous actress Greta Garbo said these words I want to be alone lol) and she had been plenty of money lol, (she was well before your time and mine come to think of it) ohh, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be alone alone, if that is what we want, it's when being alone when we don't want to be alone can be a problem, but you little friend are coo cooing nicely along now, any thing that we feel comfortable with is ok, and anything we don't we try and change for ourselves,

You are looking comfy from here, (minus cold of course) keep trekking one step at a time.

Sxxxxxx

Thanks both

Dear diary,

Having trouble to express myself recently. Not sure if that makes sense but struggle with a lot of things recently.
On a good note, I'm still here, still no gambling (that would just tip me over completely) and still surfacing those waves.
As i said many times..i am giving myself another chance in life..blah blah you would say..yup...me too..i said it too many times but will try to dig myself out of this mood once again.
So may day started with huge hangover but i managed to get a toast down (thanks for the challenge Juunie ☺), managed to go for a run (short but d**n fast as hell), had a hot bath and a good shave (yup summer is over but shaving for us ladies don't stop there haha) and just about to read a book my dear friend Shiny kindly suggested to steer my mindset in other place. And d**n i need to steer away from such negativity i recently found myself once again!
So...here i am..breathing and believing.

Sorry guys I'm not catching up with your diaries but i will do in future..i need to look after myself most at the minute..as selfish as it sounds 🙁

Thanks for reading and listening..keep up good work all

S x

Hi Hun,

Thank you so much for your kind supportive post on my diary.

Keep strong.....and like you say,......keep breathing and believing!!

Recovery is possible ;0)

Take care

Ade xxxx

Well done for doing a fast run on a hangover!... helps recovery 😉

Try doing a run when youve had a few, thats kind of interesting lol

Great stuff on remaining gamble free.

Take care... S.A 🙂

Hi Sandra,

Thank you for your kind supportive post on my diary. X

Unfortunately I won't be posting that soon. The operation is between 3-4 hours, then they take another 3 hours to bring you round slowly from the anaesthetic....at least 36 hours intensive care (24 hours of that with a tube down your throat). A tube in your neck, and two chest drains in!!

So a midday update might be pushing it! Lol

Keep strong

Ade xxx ;0)

Nothing selfish about self-care 🙂

This is a time of great cleansing, when many of us are feeling feelings we have repressed so that we can feel them, then let them go. This may be while you are dreaming a lot about the past. Let yourself feel the feelings and they will pass and be gone!

f x

Thanks for your post on my diary. Once I'd rolled back down the hill I lost my signal, so couldn't reply!

I hope you're doing ok.I've read many of your diary entries but I've never really felt like I have any great words of wisdom for you, so I've not posted anything here before. From people's responses to my own posts, I've realised that I don't have to have any great wisdom to impart. Just knowing that someone cares enough to take the time to stop by and say Hi has helped me. So, I'm here. Caring enough about someone I've never met and stopping by to say Hi.

Keep taking good care of yourself and the rest will follow.

LifeBegins x

Thanks ladies and Ade ☺

Dear diary,

Not sure why, but I'm definitely finding less and less words to say these days on here...or outside here lol.
Yesterday i tripped, slipped, feel and broke my mind once again. I went on demo games :-/ i know i didn't spend a penny and not sure if to count it as a slip, all i know it brought my mimdset back to square one. It hurts..bloody hell as crazy as it sounds - it hurts. The obsessive behavior of opening new accounts...and then contacting them to self exclude..for then to go back and look for some more. My blocks are broken..in fact i have no blocks on my devices so it leaves me with willpower only. I know i opened the door for gambling again, i know this won't pass now...i know i need help, i know I'm depressed and having problem with alcohol. I simply don't wonna live this existence anymore, i just don't know how to get out from this four walls i locked myself in.
My lil man had a football match yesterday...First real match being accepted in Town's team...yet..instead of going out and cheering him on...i chose to stay in..and ..well, you already know..drown my sorrows hahaha...useless piece of s** i am..simple as.

So..what next?

Gonna keep existing i guess. Going Wales soon so hopefully some fresh air will do good for me! A little break away...from the world ...hmmmm...obviously i keep running from reality..i don't know how to stop..simply don't know anymore.

..ok that's it..i haven't got much else to say...bk to zzzzz land i guess to get rid of puffy eyes lol..god help me!

Oh Sandra, I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. It's s****y, it really is. I don't know whether demo games count as breaking the rules or not. They don't in my book but I get what you're saying about them. They're unlikely to do you any good, that's for sure.

I understand the running away. I really do. I guess the question is what are you running from? ( you knew that was coming didn't you?) I don't know your backstory so forgive me if its all ready out there. Finding where the pain and hurt is coming from helps (well, it's helped me). Learning to deal with it is hard and takes time and practice.

Try to be patient with yourself. And kind. "When we know better, we do better". You're doing the best you can with what you know now.

You have a precious little man whom you love and feel proud of. You must be doing something right.

Take care. LifeBegins x

Come on S give yourself a chance girl!
Reach out for the help thats available to you. I have yet to see anybody who suffers with addiction in the way you do recover on willpower alone. Professional counselling (psychodynamic tackles root causes), GA, AA, NA, EA.
Why no blocking software? You gotta take away your safety blanket or you are always going to reach for it when life threatens to overwhelm you.
Nothing comes easily in recovery. You have to do things that you really dont want to. I know that scares the s***t out of you but whats the alternative, live life in fear forever, always feeling empty & devoid of hope!
You can get there, i know you can. I have seen it many times. People hopelessly addicted do get well. But they dont do it alone, they cannot repair their mental health with the mind that created the pain to begin with.
If you want to contact me email is [email protected]

Ps your not a worthless piece of s***t, your just an addict who hasnt found her way to recovery yet

Dan x

Hey coo coo, :),

Posting on here cos I don't want to disturb you by texting, in case you are having much needed sleep.

Am not going to say you can forget the past, of course we can't, it's part of our lives and what makes us us, as individual human beings.

I understand totally about you not wanting to go the football match, there is positive stuff that we can't do (as yet) when we feel low and S***e. it is understandable :), how can we rejoice with our loved ones, who we dearly love, when we are so low and sick with ourselves, and that is why we have to look after ourselves first, because until we do, we won't be able to be happy around our families, (I know you know that) 😉

It's ok to not participate as long as we are doing something, anything, to get out of the four walls we have put around ourselves.

Depression mixed with gambling, and alcohol, builds those four walls, so tight, we don't want to venture out, it's our safety zone.

This is the behaviour of one of my sons, at this time, gambling on its own makes us want to isolate.

I wished dear S, that you would take a good look in the mirror, ( with or without puffy eyes lol, they are superficial they go as quick as they come ;), and see what you are, a lovely looking young woman, with a heart that is just pouring out with love for everyone else, but not yourself.

Try and stop worrying about nearly everything, whatever is getting you down at this time, blot it out, I know you can do this, I have blotted so much stuff from my past, yes I have dreams about past stuff at times, I wake up think about it and then I blot it out.I have to else I would be in nutty land 😉

Of course I don't blot out what has happened to other close people in my life, because that does not affect us like stuff that has personally happened to us, and what we did to try and rectify it, (which was for me very negative stupid choices)

So now instead of trying to rectify my past horrible experiences, when they resurface (which they do in dreams, situations etc) I blot them out,) that does not make us weak, it makes us strong, hell S, why should we spend the rest of our lives punishing ourselves for stuff that has happened to us that was not our fault, and beyond our control.

Look into those four walls that you feel you are trapped in, then really look at yourself in the mirror, and then very gently with your finger knock the walls down, they will all crumble immediately, and you will feel free, as long as you want this, and I know you do.

You have all your life in front of you, and you are a lovely caring person, go get whatever is needed, and whatever it takes, it's a big

World out there, and there is something out there for you. Xxxx

I don't class demos as gambling, but it as you say it has opened the doors, you are stronger than this,

Take very good care of you little friend, and stay away from harm to you. please.

Sxxxxx(HUGS)))))))))

Dan makes so much sense girl, go for it, email him, xxxxxx

As above...Don't make me drive all the way out to abduct you & take you to Gloucester! I will, you know :-0

Hi all,

I just logged on and seen what a commotion i have created :-0
Ohh man..ok..thank you all for your kind words..took me apart and I'm crying (again).
All is good with me...
I shall get bk to you soon enough..work is calling and I'm already late :-/

Thanks Dan for your help! Not sure if take your offer on..you don't carry sticks with ya? Ya know..cannot beat person already on the ground 😀

Catch you all later..thanks from the bottom of my heart..today..i made a difference..today i thank you dear GC the most !

S x