...

Lol S new sheets and pillows:)) hope you get a nice restful sleep today in them :))).

Small steps forwards is the way we keep moving OAUs

Take care and keep SAS

Sxxxxxxxx

Thanks S,

Dear diary,

Just a quick entry to report all is ok this way. Not sure if HP working but see the world in a lot calmer light now..yes, had a meltdown Wednesday night, but i shall take it cause it was one in two weeks lol...cannot expect peace and calmness 24/7..there are many things at work triggering me off but i aknowledge that disagreements/ bi*ching/ negative atmosphere will be present there all the time. Simply - cannot please everyone and unfortunately we all have our personal battles/ emotions we tend to take to work :-/
Staying away from drink is getting easier. I find a lot more time on my hands and slightly more motivation. Only i know how much of the problem alcohol was/ is for me. The lengths i went is unreal..complete isolation with the bottle - madness!
No way am cured and it's very early days, but i am on the right track so i shall take that too ☺
Still not sure if alcohol used to trigger gambling or vise versa...both fronts being kept at bay now and close eye being kept on them and my emotions/ triggers/ reactions to situations.
Still finding it hard to sleep at night time, but my body clock is all over the place anyway.. i accept that.

Parents are ok. Mummy should be discharged soon and back home with Dad.
Lil man is a year older and a year wiser ☺. Had an awesome time gone weekend and it was so good to dedicate my full attention and focus on him. Being there with them in body and mind - priceless!

So that's me. Sun is shining and even if it's a little chilly, i shall make my way out to the fresh air...something i start appreciating so much recently..time - nature - peace.

Tipu tapu one day at a time

Take care all

S x

Ps. Quick entry ended up in waffle :-D...apologies!

Proud of you Hun,

Keep going slowly and steady, and don't take too much on in one go.

Prioritising one thing at a time is certain progress,

Sxxxxxx

Hi Sandra... nice post and good to read that things ore Ok in your world just now 🙂

For me, alcohol is both a trigger and a way to drown my sorrows. I find that as long as am in company i tend to be ok. I don't drink on my own at home, for me that would be a very slippery slope.

The sun is shinning.

Tipu tapu

S.A 🙂 x

Hey lovely, good to see you walking the walk. You're doing it 🙂 Lots of wise decisions and action being taken...good for you.

Have a great weekend.

LB x

Morning diary,

Going smoothly (or so it feels) and then - bam!!! Tears won't stop dropping down this recovered ( no spots present after drinking stopped) face.
Anger and regrets start building up...the sense of impossible "forgiveness" process overhelms me...need for escape becomes the only way forward.

Nonsense. I cannot change the past. I have to b greatful for here and now: safe, free, healthy ...alive.
Sleepless nights is still an issue, but I'm greatful that crippling nightmares has stopped for a while and i don't need to 'fear' my sleep....waking up shaking, heart beating outta chest, cold sweat running in buckets, short of breath and complete panic. ...not something i miss for sure.

All is ok. I am on recovery road, i am stopping my usual escape routes, i am finding the balance...i am living the life everyone should live...i am accepting the way i am and starting to make little steps forward....i am on the right track...

...so why??...why are you trying to invade my space again?

This girl is looking for peace because she had enough of continuous destruction...she knows that she has more values and self respect than she thinks.

Deep breath...just for today i choose to look at the mirror and find the determination to take life on as it should be - on it's terms.

No gambling, no drinking.
Calm & peaceful sleeps would be great..

Everything gonna be alright just have to keep pushing through unexpected times like this☺

S x

Well done keep going only stopped for 10 days finding it difficult but will win as you will.

I have the same symptons what you have described so dont feel alone.

Monkey 13.

S

Hi, Sandra,

Tears can wash away the pain, it's a release, so you can carry on....although even I don't find it quite so helpful in the middle of a busy shopping arcade.

Keep on this track, one day at a time, it will be worth it, you're worth it.

Take care,

CW

Thank you both ☺

Good morning diary,

Don't even know what to do with myself cause starting my day wayyyyy too early lol..not used to get up in the mornings ☺

No dramas over here for the last two days which is a blessing. Been busy with work and life itself....start looking after my body and just maybe need to look closer at my diet :-/ ...so more exercise here i come! Actually feel broken lol..my lovely sister showed me few little exercises to work on particular parts of the body (am obsessed with my six pack lol..at the min you can safely call it "beer belly".) So feeling a little broken but don't you love that "pain" of the muscles! Thinking of joining the gym in very near future and see what i can mk out of myself ☺ did my usual 5miler run yesterday and to add 8miles i notched up at work day before, I'm pleased to report i am still moving about lol.

Sleep. Feeling more rested recently. Saying that i woke up twice last night sweating buckets (the dreams something unrelated to addiction or the past)... still, sleeping for at least 8hrs is a blessing indeed!

Overall, all is good ☺
No gambling nor drinking to report.

On the way to living life on it's terms ☺..i shall take that!

Take care all and stay safe!

S x

Thanks for checking in 🙂 Always appreciate it x

Thanks girl, hope you keep fighting the good fight 🙂 for you and your loved ones

Diary,

Been few days away from posting. All is ticking along steadily. V tired due to speed picking up a little in my life (work - volunteering) but still holding all corners together..somehow lol.

All is kool! No gambling..just few passing thoughts.
Drinking...hmmmm...in progress (boo) but tommorow is another day and my life is too (way too) boring without relaxing stuff.
Not sure HP was the right choice...start becoming virgin Mary and that just not me lol

Nothing else to report - over & out

Stay safe all & keep fighting!

Hiya... glad to see ya ticking along nicely.

Volunteering sounds great. Not having the pressure of being paid to do it and being around others, socialising without it feeling like socialising.

As for ones minor addictions. I became more reailstic years ago. I know am never going to stop drinking completely and sometimes i will get drunk. As long as i don't gamble, thats the main thing.

Tipu tapu.. S.A x

Hi Sandra

Glad to read you're doing well : )

Didn't know you volunteered - that's geat, broadening your comfort zone and that, doing something that matters. Sounds pretty positive everything that you're doing. Alcohol's a funny one - it's so embedded in our socialising. I realised I was using alcohol to make up for my lack of social confidence. That said, having a pint/glass of wine can most defnitely be a pleasure. I guess it's a case of what's behind my wish to have a drink? On the other hand, if it's too hard to control then, as with gambling, it has to go. (when I read you saying something about life being too boring without a drink - it did remind me when I used to say myself the same about smoking and gambling)

Notice that you talk about being tired a lot - I'm noticing that alcohol has a huge effect on my sleep, even if it's just 2-3 pints of an eve. Sleep in turn has a huge effect on my day - if I have a good night's sleep I feel I can do anything the next day. If I get little, then I get down, get very caught up in myself and tetchy/paranoid. That said, I need to get better at handling not having enough sleep, esp with baby arrival immenent! Mindfulness helps - I can't pretend I'm not tired, but I don't have to buy into thoughts I'm too tired.

Best wishes

Louis

Hey, thank you for your thoughts both ☺...really appreciate them.

Louis - my biggest congratulations on the upcoming arrival. Another angel on this earth is just a blessing alltogether. Sound sleep might take the second place, but the joy you will get out of the bundle and opportunity to see him/her growing up in front of your eyes is priceless...enjoy!..it's the gift for you both ☺

I noticed becoming angry yesterday. Maybe overtired. I say my life is boring but i seem to go 100 mph...i do miss my down time if I'm honest. The things i do ( such as work) doesn't bring me much joy and satisfaction...as of volunteering...it's ok. I like to help others but coming to the situations where my mind goes blank and dissapointment for being foreigner here does come to the front of the head...i cannot blame others for being wary towards this..i know the issue around the country so just trying to come to terms re my imperfect second language and so on.
I wanted to hide away yesterday with the bottle. Somehow guilt took over and i stopped the vicious cycle before it properly kicked in. I watched a programme about Amy Winehouse (RIP) and something hit home big time. When she had period of abstinence from drugs, she said " i am so boring person"...wow!!! That's how i feel. Why all the substances makes you feel like the king/queen of the world? Why we seek that escape for being someone we are not and where natural human being emotions dissappear? How it all changes...i chewed on this one for a while..looking at bottle and back at the screen..i see my life boring because i don't do anything about it. I still very much so struggle to get out and occupy myself with "normal" stuff. I see my own home as safe place...peace for my body and soul...yet, on the next breath i beat myself up for being the low of life with no interest in the world. Strange, but something i need to address/ accept. Nothing changes if nothing changes huh.
Still can't sleep. Just so annoying...i guess my goal was to pass out last night by getting drunk (like ladies does lol)...but i kicked off against the idea...jad my calming tea, watched movie, and read a book...still, i twisted and turned most of the night..falling asleep around 5am.
To be honest i am shaken by the dreams i have. Really f****d up and i don't like them. I looked for the meanings of some of them and it's no good news lol..i wonder why it stucks in my head and i believe it..must b human nature.

Reconnecting with one self is truly long and tirening work...but it's possible. Appreciating little things and not expecting something amazing in your life is part of the journey. Changing the mind so you are happy with what you have..connecting again..i can connect with the nature, yet i forget that i need to do so with human race also..still find it hard, but working at it one step at a time.

Didn't know what to write at the start of this post, but thoughts start coming out while i was typing. If it doesn't make sense, apologies. I am a little confused with what i expect of myself/ my life.
I will get there.

Thank you for reading.

Sandra xx

Great post Sandra - sometimes the best ones are when they just flow without being pre-thought out.

I think it's true that addicts, like me, often seek a short term fix. We avoid doing things that are important and enhance our life - all because we aren't prepared to make room for difficult thoughts and feelings. Instead we make choices which give us short-term relief from discomfort (and bad mid-long term consequences).

Obviously you don't need to answer this, but are you not originally from UK? If so, I would never have guessed.

Hope you're weekend's going well.

Louis