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Thanks Louis,

Dear diary,

Don't really feel myself recently. Kinda depressed and trying to pin point the root cause. I don't gamble nor drink (had a taste few days ago but that's nothing compared to previous stints). Again, the feeling "so what am i doing wrong with my life" comes to head.
Had to go see my lil boy play footie today...did i get up on time? No...a little dissapointed in myself here. Still no desire in outside world whatsoever,. Maybe it's just me - loner for life. Getting closer to that property deposit...am i excited? No...just no drive to mk changes at all.
Nothing seems to bring me peace of mind. Am i loonatic? Will i ever enjoy life again? There are issues in this box and i keep failing to address them. Simple things like signing up to the gym, meeting people, living. I have zero interest in these. I used to...used to be very outgoing and determined person. It's all gone. Even my friends are not important anymore, i am shutting down.

Have to go round sis in a bit..not sure if i should push myself for such "step"..just want to be left alone, but as she said " a little distraction will do you good"..does she see me this depressed? Probably even if we do not talk a lot.

Why i find it all soooo bloody difficult. Just want to run away..maybe tk a grand from savings and go crazy with gambling - drink! ..self destruction huh..that's just where my thoughts are heading.

Can't wait for the holiday coming up in one week's time. Yes, getting away from the routine and boredom will be good...just need to survive 5 working shifts ahead lol.

Well...i guess it's good to rant over here!

Makes me wonder how little simple things in life for so many others are the most dounting and challenging obsticles for that little part of society who needs more acceptance in life to see it all in different colours.

Work in progress
Back at the drawing board for the 100th time...sigh.

Could it be as simple as friends and family. Being nice to yourself and others. Not over complicating life or taking it too serious. Learning something new everyday, even if it feels a**l. Ditto, on trying your best.

As for your previous post about being a foreigner, your in the right place. This country has and will always be a country built on migrants. That's the beauty of it..

Hiya , sorry just posted a reply to you but stuck it on my diary instead , apologies but its been a long day !!

Take care

Yeah , prob won't be the last time someone hate's me for my approach but hey ho , such is life and you can't please all the people all of the time , can you ? .

Have a good night and sweet dreams !

Ok ,last time of posting for today as I really can't be asked with something were never going to agree on but Empathy I do have in abundance , giving up an addiction is never easy and I totally accept that , the urges to gamble are strong particularly in the early stages and yes I also suffered at the hands of those feelings , I've been supportive of many who use this site who have had relapses but when those relapses become more and more frequent and especially in those that have been here for many years , you have to ask the question why ? , why do you keep doing this over and over again , constantly beating yourself up and going back to day one every week or month , life's just too short , it's not a dress rehearsal this is it , if you want to gamble then gamble but enjoy it , if you dont want to gamble simply because you want to stop or if gambling is now causing you harm , then stop it . It's not rocket science but basic common sense .

I'll leave it there now because we obviously have different opinions of what's right and wrong in recovery and I respect your opinion , so I would appreciate it if you respect mine !

And regarding the jokes , it's not a mask or me hiding behind anything laughing and joking was a big thing in my life before gambling took hold , so it coming back , tells me I'm recovering well and enjoying life once again !

All the best to you and your journey of self dicovery .

Regards Alan

Oh, get the impression something kicked off here? Can't figure out what it is about but do hope it hasn't impacted on your positive thoughts. You really helped me stop when I was running to oblivion again.

Take care, B

Hey Sandra

Hope you're ok. Sorry to hear that you're lacking motivation. My instinct is to say - can you still bring yourself to take (very) small steps in the direction you want to go? At the same time, I realise it's easy for me to say this as at the moment as I am coming from a relatively stable position. But sometimes 'forcing' those little steps is what's needed to get a lift out our world of the mental beatings we give ourselves (beating ourselves up is of course the human default position. Anyone who doesn't is either superhuman or a billshutter).

re your recent posts - I guess you need to ignore posters which are upsetting you. I have certainly learnt to do that and now don't even dwell for a second on what some post - skip straight over. Compassion does indeed need to be at the core of this forum. Self-compassion needs to be that at the core of each recovery.

Thanks for your kind post. I am liking the sound of your country and am thinking summer sounds a lot more appealing than winter.

Keep posting.

Louis

ps Although we've only 'spoken' recently, I've read your diary for a long time. It strikes me that you're making a lot of progress - much more open and aware. Sorry if that sounds patronising it's just an observation

Hey diary,

Well...looks like something good come out after my rant...old diarists come out to play too :-))))

Was thinking about the slips today. Personally for me, i am more familiar to pain than peace/happiness/ perfection.
I cannot change myself as a person and i just cannot get rid of pain..it keeps me alive.
All you who are money driven and see recovery as new "life"...well done...yet...you will never ever understand the reasons why some are falling...and you don't have to...
I am g free today...i might need my fix tommorow..who knows..
I shall tk what i have today...being a b****h but not scared to voice myself anymore!

Have a safe day all

Hey coo coo :))

Great post, understand the self destructive bit, and how it makes us feel alive, and when we are doing normal stuff we feeling boring and unfulfilled in a ridiculous strange way.

Proud of you for keeping on going forwards, snail pace is the only way to move on, great thing about our recoveries is there is no rush to finish,,:))

Take care and keep winning your life back because you are sooo much worth it my little friend.

Sxxxxxxxx

Thank S ☺

So diary,

Very little and disturbing sleep. Writing & re-editing posts (must made 4 overnight) ..but also very ohhh so very abusive even my biatchy brain decided against to sending them. I'm not on here threat people even if they get on my t**s!
Looks like i P****d on someone's celebration party...LOL..(opps)..i didn't realise I'm capable of such stints and feel like need to buy another cake for the occasion...but sure the person can wait for another six months.
Actually feel like being judged for not taking recovery "seriously"...ohhhhhhh....ohhhhhhh...(violins out ...me is crying crocodiles tears) yeah..shall leave it there.

Very firmly standing for what i said. Bits been picked out to suit themselves but such is human nature (let alone CG) but i know what i meant & shall keep fighting for us "not so perfect" fighters who happens to trip, fall, ....but get up again!

So that's that. Avoiding some diarists even if it's tough s*** but ive been through worse in my life so hay ho...i will survive

So got up to enforcement team bringing the door down...w*f?! being half asleep is not the perfect way to get around the situation so i just accepted the notice....LOL again cause only now read through it.
Firstly don't recall being in debt or owing money to anyone :-/ (maybe wasn't that bad brainwashed by mr G? :-/)...secondly with eyes open i notice it's not my name they're chasing after...AHA!! My great mate who i share house with! That explains situ a little. She is in debt (not addictions related...or maybe shopping addiction :-/) and even if i tried to put her on straight and narrow to pay it off...at the end of the day you can take horse to the water but can't mk it drink of it!...
Now..i read through notice and in the back it states what goods they're taking away...WHOLA!! why do i see my lil blue car reg on there? :-0...f**k that s**t! It's registered to me and even if it crawls at snail pace it's still my possession!
So I'm all confused.com now. Fully prepared to rip someone's head off ( no violence) but more than ever angry about lack of investigation on enforcement team's behalf!

How they f*****g dare!!!!...but...back to basics...so i guess i deserve it being a cg LOL LOL LOL

f**k them all!

Have a good day all ☺...keep ur cakes and candles safely indoors...Sandra ms "P**s around" is watching ya! - yes..- YOU! 😉

..behave!

Ok diary,

Some decisions crossing my path. To restore peace (if that's possible) I'm gonna accept my shortcomings, leave this mess behind and move on.
Most importantly, we have new members here and if i put myself in their shoes, i wouldn't want to stick around here for long seing all this nonsense and brown flying around.
I may ignited the fire but i am woman of a free word also and really struggle to keep thoughts in sometimes.
I don't talk to the outside world a lot...it's just me, i have my down days...sometimes it's lasting for longer than i would expect and sometimes i even think if it will ever pass.
Come close to a little encounter this morning. Driving with tears in my eyes and psycho coming from opposite way made me hold my breath for a while. Life does flash in front of ur eyes huh....and all we're concentrating on here is who is doing better and who deserves a praise ...wrong really...we are all equal and no offence intended - we lack some understanding in one subject or another. That's fine ☺...we always learn in our journeys.

I shall take a break from this site..being "watched" too much and don't feel too comfortable with it recently. Not you ms R.....☺

Anyway..i leave you all to keep supporting each other, that's what this site is for after all..we found recovery/discovery/new road on here...embrace it and yes....celebrate your daily achievements...we are all worth it! This journey is not easy.

Really looking for a holiday next week..didn't have a break for a good while now...i know it has added to my recent stresses and behaviour.

For now...work work work.

One day at a time

Sandra x

Hi Sandra , look I'm not angry at you I , just don't agree with you passing judgement on me on that particular day , it wasn't nice and it wasn't called for but you may see differently and I'll respect that , your not the last one that will be havin a go at me I'm sure , I'm new here in terms of many and just maybe some of the new batch feel like doing and trying something different for a change and if it work's then maybe don't be so critical of it ?.

I'm not ingterested in you leaving or backing off , I know your holiday's coming up and thats different and I really hope you enjoy it , were all here fighting for our lives where gamblings concerned and we may all go down different routes but as long as we arrive at the same destination, then thats all we strive for . You said I don't understand about relapses and to be honest I haven't been there and I hope that I never do , but I'm not a know it all nor arrogant , I'm you I'm a gambler whos trying not too gamble again , so please dont assume you know me because you really don't !.

I mean it when I say I wish you well , safe holiday and see you soon and make sure you bring me another cake or a sponge !!.

Take care and best wishes ..................Alan

Yo Tigger,

Can you bring me a stick of rock back from your hol's?

I've made enough mess in my time to realise it does eventually get cleared up, so no rash decisions. I know it can be viewed as a cop out but I believe that if the best intention is there, well upsetting people is.... tough s***t.

Have a good hols and get your bounce back. I know with me, that I have a 3 Month shelf like with work and then need a break. Not easy, I know to do! Yet it's so important....

Baked potatoes....... no riddle there, just rhymes with Laters☺

Hey you, sounds like you're having a tough time at the moment. Tears, anger, sleeplessness....but no gambling so I'm taking that as a good sign? We're all fallible...we all get bent out of shape sometimes. You've got a lot on your plate and it's important to acknowledge that.

That enforcement team encounter sounds horrific. I hope you're ok. I'm sure the citizens advice can help if you need them to...surely they can't take your car for someone else's debt? I'm hoping you've got it sorted but if not it might be worth contacting them.

Enjoy your holiday. Hope to see you here when you get back.

LB x

Hi S, looks like you have had a tough day, sending you a hug((((((( (SANDRA) ))))))

A holiday will do you good, and you sure deserve one, am sure they won't be able to take your car or anything else that belongs to you,

Look after you first and take care, (you know where I am)

Sxxxxxx