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Morning SB28

thanks for posting to me, I really appreciated it and I wanted to catch up with you this morning.

I believe (well for me) that blocks aren't always the answer, I have had blocks before but when my mind has decided that I want to gamble, I will go to all lengths to gamble, I will drive miles. I have no blocks, I have gambled for 25 years, I have relapsed over and over again with blocks and without blocks, I have only done over 100 days 3-4 times in my life. For me if I can achieve almost a year without gambling but maybe relapse for a day, then that is a success and I am a winner, I suppose relapses are really only bad if they go on for weeks and months, you only had a short relapse and here you are posting your thoughts again and you are still trying so be very proud of yourself, I am proud of you for being an honest person who just wants to feel normal.

Yes today is a brand new day, just try be the best person you can, be kind to those that love and support you and you'll hopefully feel no interest in gambling, just for today.

All the best

Wilsy

Thanks both!

Diary

No gambling..no time for that and no desire. Very busy day and onlyb now got in ...had my breakfast (yup..good timing) & can't wait to get in the pit.

Massive thanks to M for having a chat this morning. Found it massively helpful to break down my thought process prior the relapse & during it. Truly made sense.

Amuway, Will have to catch up with all of you tommorow as today....is lullaby for me ☺

Morning diary

Arrived at day 2 bit if I'm honest I already have "chasing" urges. NEED to put block on my device but cannot make myself do do so..£10 !! Expensive!

& that's how gambling brains works :-/...

My lil boys bday today, 13 years old! Growing into lovely smart man (got help my sister as this is the age we seem to start kicking off!)

It brings memories back of how tiny he was when he faced this world for the first time...& how so many ppl gave up hope of him pushing through so many difficulties in the first few years. I am more than proud of my little man, never ever can you give up Hope!

Miracle in my life (& everyone elses) for sure.

Love ya D,

X

So it took me to lose another substantional amount before I finally downloaded GamBan...

Maybe it's finally over? ...i truly hope so! I just remembered I have another brick of a phone from ages ago but hopefully it's not servisible for the net!

Breatheeeee - day 0.

That's it breathe my friend, it will finally be over soon if not now, try relax and take your mind off things. Sending you big hugs and support

Wilsy

I really feel nervous today. Frantic...panicky.

It's about my health in the past few years. Can my past rule my future?

God...grant me the senerity to accept the things I cannot change & courage to change the things I can....

Things happens for a reason....look out for them & understand them...

Peace out

Thank you for posting on my diary Sandra. Hope you have a lovely weekend.

It's a nice sunny day and quite brisk. I'm guessing you'll be off to the park at some point, to let lil girl run free and soak up the great outdoors.

It must be sad for those who are confined to barracks due to ill health. With a relaxed body and a calm mind one can find pleasure in the simplest of ways. We can feel exhilarated just by getting out, enjoying a stroll and breathing in the sweet fragrance of mother nature.

Take care...stephen x

Hi Sandra thank you for your post on my diary so glad to see your gf days clocking up, we can do this! Best wishes X

Thank you both!

Day 1 and feeling calm. It is indeed lovely & sunny outside and I shall make my way out for walkies with lil one.

Have a safe & calm Saturday everyone. Enjoy the moment ☺

Hi Sandra, little miss (not so) wildchild here!
Sounds like you've been walking down a right rocky path. Sorry I haven't been there to help pick you up but I see others have been supporting you along the way.
As you say . . . breathe. . . we have been through these days before. There's no denying they are difficult but we know with each passing day we start to feel a little bit better.
The serenity prayer - go with it. It gives hope, where we feel we have none and courage when we feel it has all gone. I hope someone is listening and sends you the strength and courage that you need at this moment.
Big hugs x

Thanks lil miss wildchind! Don't be silly with apologies, I am absolutely well and bouncing around again!

Have had quite good day & having a blast with crazy dancing while cooking! (Must be you mentioning a bun dance :-D)

Plenty of walkies in fresh air, clearing garden, shopping, phoning parents & sister, going for a half hour cycling and still planning a little clean up at home! Did a good deed by placing my old bike outsode with a note to take it for free...LOL..2 mins later I was on a way to the shop and bike wasn't there! Glad to do something good but also worried a little about neighbourhood....everyone is watching like hawks?! ..but maybe it's good as it is like neighbourhood watch lol!

Oki...i guess that's enough ramble for now. I noticed myself worrying about something what is not happening yet (always did) & trying to come to terms to worry about something when it actually happens. Save my own mentality by not looking too far ahead...breathing as a reminder to calm down ☺

Best wishes all and take care!

So diary,

I was thinking..i can try & pretend to be hard a** as much as i want, however I have emotions and feelings. Feelings of love,gratitude and appreciation.

Little things like giving lil one a bath and watching her to pass out with a drop of a hat instantly fills me with peace. Yes, it's a pet I'm talking about and yes, I love her to bits!

I don't always appreciate what I have. I sometimes let my addictive thinking take over..selfish & destructive mindset..but I wake up from those, wake up and face the reality. A sunrise, lovely living soul next to me (she ADORES my hot water bottle and you should see how she just hugs it in the mornings!)...priceless little things in life.

I don't even mind tripping over that football in a hallway, stepping over that chewing rope in living room, few tennis balls scattered around or Mr Bear just in the middle of the kitchen! All these signs are footprints of my lil one! She is everywhere and it's d**n good reminder to keep believing in myself and striving forwards with my life!..its like having a responsibility for a kid...and I appreciate I shouldn't compare these but that's pretty close as it gets...

My life is not perfect but it's not as bad as it could be...& it could be very bad very quickly...mainly due to my own choice.

I thank God today for another day in this life. Another energy boost to get up and be busy. An opportunity to phone my loved ones to confirm I am safe & sound. To go out and share few smiles, to be able to cook, clean, garden and wash myself. For being me. Not so perfect but me. Pricelles in my own way.

Thank you dear God & goodnight in peace.

Xx

Ps. Same tommorow please ....:-))))))))))))

I say Amen to that x

Thanks lil miss....i did say amen to the above also before Zzzzz ☺

Diary,

Still feel ripples from Friday night where I got a little unsettled about something formal...i digged deep in my emails & chats to trace the history and am only half satisfied with the result. I also remembered so many amazing souls i used to communicate with..i miss them...miss them a lot!..

At the end of the day - with the Grace of God shall I find the way forward. It's out of my control now. ..and I must meet fate!

Today was not too bad day. Took lil one on a journey. Met her "cousin", had good time with little "jealous" teeth showing now and then but all went well & at peace!

Took her to the park in the sunset. Had to rush (& I actually put myself in 4th gear) as darkness was falling and I didn't want a bit scary (did you see the size of them!) deers darting out of the woods!!!. ..so we ran...ran and ran round the park until we reached the car park in the dawn. It was good to see lil girl running freely, all that space to herself!

She indeed is sleeping/ snoring and dreaming of something so calming and also adventurous from today..again..fills my heart with peace... ☺

Goodnight diary, another day g free..it hurts to be back to the start but acceptance is the key.

Just for today - am staying safe.

S&B xx