...

Dust yourself down and carry on... more gambling not a solution to any thing... just more escapism. Its hard I know.

Take care.. S.A 🙂

I hope you are ok Sandra. 

Yesterday's gone. What's done is done so please don't punish yourself any more.

Count your blessings, decide what's best to do next and as you pick up the pieces of your life remember to treat yourself with the compassion, kindness and respect that you deserve.

Hi guys...

Yesterday I was sort of held mirror to myself and what I was made to realise quite frankly shattered me to pieces. Don't think I felt this pain in a long while...it was very similar to when i lost my best friend when friendship fell to pieces. Extremely painful.

Yes, i went on one and gambled. Went round the blocks and found a site...

Woke up in middle of the night thinking if it was a bad dream...it wasn't.

Today...today I almost didn't go to counselling. What's a point huh?..yet I still went..that was around 1100 am.

It is 21:00 now...so from.around 13:00 till now I gambled some more...deposit after deposit. Tears in my eyes, begging out loud to stop. Yes, i was talking to myself aloud asking myself to stop...the thing is -i can't.

Didn't eat yet as gambling comes first. Didn't take Bells for a walk yet as gambling comes first. House ranks of smoke as I couldn't even be bothered to step outside for a f*g (did so in a doorway while staring at the screen)...missed gym, sun, outdoors...because gambling comes first.

A mess...is understatement.

In the light of yesterday's realisation I truly & sincerely would like to apologise about my behaviour and words. ..only when I was given my own medicine, i see how hurtful it is..how words can break you...or make you... So, to fellow GC users and staff. Please forgive me if you can and if not, ..May God still bless you and look after you. I wish you all the best.

I'm still considering whether to keep posting here in future.

That is it for now....

Hi  SB28,

I am very pleased that you managed to go to counselling today, even though it felt really difficult. It's also good that you have reached out and posted on the forum. This shows that even though you are understandably feeling low after your relapse that deep down you are committed to your recovery. 

Sometimes when we are feeling really low it can be easy to be hard on ourselves, but you've shown in the past that you can control your urges, even though this feels difficult now. 

We are here to support you.  Remember you can call the HelpLine or NetLine if you wish and we can look at other strategies of support. 

Hi Sandra, 

I just wanted to say that you've come out of this before, and you can again...

I too lost a best friend years ago and I lost another close friend a couple years ago, I know how painful it is, obviously I don't know your pain as everyone's pain is different and dealt with differently, but I can relate.

You seem in abit of a horrible place at the moment and I hope you are getting support. Life can be truly hard, yet you've shown before that you can move forward and can stop gambling, you can stop again. Self exclude from what ever site you managed to get on, and talk to someone, wether it be a friend, family member or an advisor on here.

I know we have had our disagreements, but I would like to take this opportunity to say to you that I wish you the very best in you journey, gambling journey and personal journey and I hope your able to one day fine peace.

Good luck and all the very best to you ???

I just went off chat to read the post on my diary you said you wrote but I hadn't seen. Thankyou for your kind words. I did just go back on chat to thankyou but you had just left. 

I appreciate your apology, I'm sorry too. I'm not here to argue. 

Wishing you the best in both your recovery and personal life.

Stace x

Thanks Stace,

Hi diary,

Well...it has been challenging few days. Lapse turned into relapse and the rest is history. 

So Thursday gamble...till late night

Friday counselling, back home and gamble some more....till 23:00 or so...maybe midnight..

Saturday just felt so crushed and broken ....emotions run high...apologised to the world for being me...banned myself from the site...

Sunday aft...urges...emailed the site saying I "accidentally banned myself and only wanted to set deposit limits"..few hours later - account reopened - no questions asked....gamble till 03:10 Monday morning knowing too well alarm for work will go off at 03:15....full day at work...back home around 19:00...straight on laptop..

Around 02:00 Tuesday morning happened to pass out (there is so much this body can take)....up at around 10:00 Am....walk with gorgeous little girl...back - laptop..more gamble, more bigger amounts, more craziness to chase my losses..Tuesday 19:00pm....last penny gone (once again).....banned myself from the site - reached out on here....an hour later went to work..

Now am back from work...Wednesday morning.....no gambling as of yet...urges? Not even sure..head is not clear. 

It was epic fail...every time I closed my eyes briefly last night, I've seen reels spinning..same figures...same stuff..all over again.

You may wonder what about food, gym, self care during all this time..that's right - nil. ..I think i washed my hair in record time yesterday...all 4 mins....because I had other priorities on my mind... - gamble.

Same old emotions...just at larger scale this time. Losses at a lot larger scale and also mental wellbeing follows...

***** just for the record...lil girl was looked after as always..just maybe I lacked showing attention when she needed/asked for it..******

Day one I guess..day one, see how it goes.

S&B xx

Hello Sandra

We're really sorry to read about your lapse. It sounds like you are vulnerable to lapsing when you're feeling low. How would you feel about getting blocking software on all your devices to make it harder for you to give in when you're feeling down? This should even work on sites that aren't covered by GAMSTOP. 

https://www.gamcare.org.uk/self-help/blocking-software/

As ever, don't struggle alone - give us a call on the HelpLine 0808 8020 133 or chat to us on the NetLine.

Best wishes

Forum Admin

…. ya banned yourself from the site, which means you have made it harder to gamble, which gives you breathing space to bring the relapse to an end....

thoughts are with you x

I really don't know what to write Sandra but wanted to let you know that my thoughts are with you and Bella at this very difficult time in your life.

I sincerely hope you can turn things around and find peace and happiness.

Stephen x 

Hey Sandra

Most of us know what it is like to go on these horrible lapses/binges.  We know how powerful the drug is to gamble and when that drug is unleashed it can be so hard to stop.

You must stop. And then do anything not to  start. You must tell yourself time and again that this is no solution to issues, that this is self-defeating, self-sabotaging behaviour. You deserve more. You deserve to be human. 

Take it hour by hour. Day by day. You can do this. You need to use all the help out there. Start with stopping. Then slowly accept the other stuff in life as a work in progress. We are here supporting you.

Rob

Thank you Forum Admin, S.A, Stephen and Rob. 

I hear you all. I didn't put all the blocks on my other devices yet as the thought to even bringing laptop to life fills me with dread. I will however do so really soon...presently I'm just hurting mentally...which also gives a knock on effect to my physical health...stress is another "enemy" we should watch out for.

Yes SA. I banned myself from that place. This is positive, i definitively aknowledge that.

No words needed Stephen...sometimes knowing that someone is with you in thoughts, is best support for broken soul.

And Rob..thank you. ..I hear you loud and clear. I will do my best to move forward and get stronger again.

Diary,

Really really hurting but what can I do? Try and be kinder to myself I suppose.

Fog slightly lifted yesterday which brought clarity and disbelief to my actions...but I must accept the reality no matter how hard it is.

Went to greet amazing sunrise this morning. It was time of peace and tranquillity....me & My colleague just sat and appreciated the view...those 5 minutes did my soul good...I am very sure. The peace was something very welcome to me presently.

In general I'm suffering as many of you know. The feeling after the binge...the confusion and pain...same feelings has returned..I forgot how it feels but here we go..

I am again considering GA. Not if I want to go but cause I feel I have to...but again, i hurt now and how will I look at this thought few days later may change....have to wait and see.. 

I just don't know..trying to grab of anything what can help me to push through these times and also what could guide me on the right track of recovery once and for all. I tried many avenues but none of them worked this far...

Day 2...very tired, hurting emotionally but didn't make matters worse..

JFT - S&B xx

Diary,

Still day two. I'm really struggling mentally.

Looks like since I was in this spiral of gambling, i forgot many things around me. Like my sister's hubby's birthday today. ..I also forgot quite remarkable day for my dad few days ago..I'm oblivious to everything around me...it hurts.. 

It was particularly difficult to speak to my dad today. Hearing that excited voice of counting days till he see me...planning stuff while im visting....it's very difficult to keep the smile and tone of voice in positive way while deep down I'm crying...I'm apologising for being me..I'm so ashamed of myself. What have I become.....im not what he raised me to be...

Same was with conversation with sister. I really wanted to scream and shout "I messed up I****a, i did so much damage to myself I don't know where to turn anymore..."...yet, i listened patiently to her troubles...couldn't give much advice or offer support..just said "keep holding on, better times will come".

I am also not sure how I manage work. As welcome distraction as it is...I am a little out of the loop. Just not myself. 

Today just feels difficult. Maybe more than yesterday. If it keeps escalating like this, i am worried I may collapse..have a mental breakdown or something. This is serious issue. My MH has not been in the best of places this year, yet I did this and put a load of extra pressure on it.

Alongside negatives there are positives of course. I had a lot better sleep today. Interrupted but feel a bit rested. 

I had two sandwiches..it's good to eat again.

I cleaned the place and also taken lil girl for a good walk..I also dedicated a good half hour for ball and chase games with her. She had my undivided attention which i truly lacked recently.

Last and foremost - I installed GamBan on my laptop. I got really upset (Just like a flick of light switch)  about having to pay a tenner for it...gamblers mindset is extremely dissorted. ..but I did it so that's also positive.

I went on GA website. Made myself to surf the site a little. Nothing really inviting at this point but I guess I need to keep pushing to....look for different approaches in recovery. Nobody said it will be easy or nice..some things are not, but eventually, they pay off the most.

Day two...another nighshift awaits...I will be safe from urges....I still hurt a lot but hope it will subside as time passes by...even if just a little.

Blessings

S&B xx

Hi Girl,

There you are struggling so much and still managing to drop me a note. Thank you. If only you could see the you I and so many others see. Be kind to yourself hun. There really are no words right? When I feel like s**t words are just words. Blah blah blah. I am across the waves willing you on. Sending a hug and sending up prayers for continued strength. Please be safe and stay strong sister. You are a good person and so worth it. xxx

Sending a (((HUG))) to you across the ocean. Take care of yourself and your beautiful B.

Cathy ?