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Dear diary,

So today woke up in very low spirits and a bit of a headache (all self inflicted indeed, not gambling related)

As minutes passed by and I read around a forum I faced my own choices I made so far. Reading Duncs tread and a post in f & f section really touched my own soul. The pain, devastation and emptiness Shelly feels now is really ripping my heart apart.... ..and so..i stop in my tracks..have a look around, and really count my blessings..This addiction is the most evil one on Earth..how it changes ppl is unreal..letting devil in your soul...letting it destroy the lives of loved ones...I struggle to write, to understand and to express myself..

..it is what it is..at the end of the day the choice is ours to make with each waking day.today, I strengthen my belief, I put the guard higher and made a choice to stay safe from life wrecking disease. ..just for today - I will NOT gamble..I choose life, simple words with the greatest meaning on Earth.

take care all

Day at a time

Sandra x

Hi Sandra - you make a lot of sense when talking about counting our blessings and freeing ourselves from this 'life-wrecking disease'. Gambling is not a life - it's a self-centred, time-consuming, health-wrecking activity, and that's without what it does to our loved ones. So well done, get stronger with each day and enjoy your new life of peace and freedom.

Joanna x

Hi Sandra,

Thank you for your supportive post on my diary, it really is appreciated.

I think it is really important to read the family and friends forum as this really brings it home to me the destruction that gambling causes. As you rightly say this is our decision and we have to take responsibility for our actions.

Take care and keep strong

LG x

Hi Sandra,

Well done on staying strong and continuing to beat this disease, you made the right choice in your last post, and I hope that the same choice will be yours to make forever more.

You are right to say that we should count our blessings, recovery isn't always easy, and it is often a period where we look back at the destruction in the past. The fact is, what we are building, and the achievements we already make are a part of the new existence rising up from the ashes. Be proud, be optimistic, and be happy that every day you make the right choice, you are building a little more on to the new world.

All the best

Ryan

Hi Sandra,

Thanks for popping by and supporting me on my diary, I have just been catching up with yours and it is great to see you still gamble free. You talk in your last post about making the correct decision every day, we should never forget that despite how tough life can be, each and every day you have made that correct decision and that is some seriously good decision making going on, day after day after day.

Each day we choose life is a day that we choose to get stronger. Together we can do this.

Stay safe and strong

Paulds

Thank you Joanna, LG, Ryan, Paulds,your lovely comments really means a lot xxxx

Dear diary,

I like challenges, but when they all start crashing on me at the same time I get scared . Finally dragged my a**e from the cave and started moving on wiv applications for new job.Fair enough, all is good...but then I get another shock to the system where I am greeted wiv more decisions about future....some more news on top of that where I live on a thin line each day and possibly having to make a sudden journey over the "pond" to face reality and deal wiv it. I hav to admit it's a lot of handling at once and I'm getting in a panic mode..Life is not very fair, but most of the decisions I made in a past provided this position I'm in now.

All the what ifs coming out to the surface again.beating myself up, regrets, silliness, guilt.

it's like I try to move on but something has to come along and stop me in my tracks. Something to make this journey harder and more f****d up. I suppose life is not smooth flow and I just have to deal wiv each of these challenges in the calmest manner possible.

In other words... if I didn't gamble all I had before..this ride would possibly be quite enjoyable change in my life. But it is what it is and as much as I don't like my situation at the minute I have to dig myself out...somehow..there is always a way out...but foooking hell...ain't you get lost in a dark...

I will not gamble...not now, it's not a way out...I wouldn't b here in a first place having to deal wiv all of this if I hav made the right choices over two years ago.

Now I just need time...but I haven't got it. It's like walking on hot ashes waiting for more news to hit u unexpected.

Please no replies if anyone reading this...i needed a place t vent these feelings out.

S x

Dear diary,

Found some absolutely empowering words I can relate to sooo much..life is a hell of a ride at the minute..but I hold on...hold on tight and looking ahead.As much as part of me tries to pull me down, with the stronger force than ever I refuse to follow this path. There is another part of me, maybe not as strong now but always looking at the bright side. I will follow this light....not very clear but still little dimmed light...because I believe and not ready to let this feeling go..will not gamble today, will not eat myself alive and will not suffer in my past.

My future self

I see you smiling, sitting so peacefully; you are simply in awe. You're looking at me, the younger, and more naive, more determined, more self-righteous self; you have nothing but love and gratitude for me. You watch me cry on my living room floor, completely bored and unmotivated by life. You see that I am outraged at how stuck I feel. You watch me consumed by more depression, you see me struggle daily. You see the pain I carry around in my heart.

You see my struggle, you see me have momentary outbursts and cry in fits of rage; and you see that I make it through. You see that I'm OK. My pain, my struggles, my issues are not what define me. You see that I make it through this rough patch, and you know that I come out stronger, smarter and more self-aware than ever before.

I see you smile with gratitude for all of the lessons I am in the middle of. The gut wrenching, painful moments of extreme self-hate, followed by harsh judgments and flurries of condescending words; you are proud to have them be a part of your past. You made it through and hold nothing but positive loving thoughts for yourself.

Future Me, your energy and love is infectious. You have a knowing way about you that is wise, patient and graceful. You see that everything is always in right order and that what I am going through right now is part of my bigger plan. It's as if you know that all of this turbulence and stress was divinely put into my life to help me become the person I need to be; the person that you ARE.

Future self, I know that you're so proud of me for learning these lessons, for rolling up my sleeves and doing the work on myself that's required; for getting into the trenches of my own life to prepare me for my next chapter. You're oozing with awareness and you see that I am getting it. Day by day, I am trying, and I am learning.

I choose to work toward you, and by taking responsibility for my life. You smile because you see that I get it, that the choices I make today affect you and your daily life in the future. You see that I am showing up and doing the best I can. You see that what may feel like not enough, even a failure, for me is more than enough in your eyes. You are proud and honored to have been me.

Future self, I see that somewhere between you and me, we have figured it out. I am so thankful that you take care of yourself every single day. I am so honored to become you. Future self, the most powerful thing you are showing me is what is possible with our life. I can’t wait to meet you.

You are not defined by your problems, or any situation that you find yourself in. You ride the waves of life with such ease; it makes me want to catch up to you faster. I see that together we figure it out. I know that my life is a moment-by-moment web of intricate experiences and reactions that help me shape you. I am working to make myself better for you, for us.

I am showing up for all of my assignments. I am choosing to be happy. And I am choosing to love openly and honestly. Future self, I am going to take big risks because I know that you know that I, that WE, need me to. I am not going to settle EVER AGAIN.

I am going to leap into the unknown and completely follow my heart. I am going to become the person you know I can be. Future self, you are my guide and you show me what is possible for our life. You show me that no matter what life throws at us, we are stronger, smarter, healthier and more beautiful than ever, not because we rise above it, though we do, but because we have the courage to keep going.

Our experiences make us who we are. I choose to let my dreams and my successes define me; I release my problems and the attachments that keep me identifying with them. I am no longer weighed down by self-loathing thoughts. I choose to be happy.

Future self, you rock, and I am so unbelievably proud I get to become you.

Love forever,

Not as strong and confident me, but always holding onto belief.

Hiya Sandra

Hi hoped your enjoying your weekend off as always I'm working all this one when your not a vice versa of last weekend lol

As always thanks for your continued support and standing by me through the recent tough period it really helped

Keep fighting and inspiring me I will catch up soon with you

Castle2

Hi Sandra,

Those are some mighty good words, thanks for your support when I was stumbling, and I'm glad to see you are still standing now. I think the key is putting aside the fears and doubts and actually jumping in with both feet to the opportunities. So far, I can just dip my toes in, but it'll come. Keep taking the tough days and celebrating the good days.

Also, I just spoke to your future self, and she said you were really kind with your words. The message from your future self: "You rock too!"

All the best Sandra, keep fighting and keep winning that fight.

Ryan

Hey castle, Ryan, rainman, thank you so much all 🙂

Dear diary,

Another day beating the demons and staying safe and calm. Lots of things going on around, which is just life. Stopping gambling is not stopping the world from turning or setting u free from the rest of the troubles.

Such is life, such is the decision to tackle everything in different manner. Today I take out of life as much as I can, I have my health, I have my parents, sister, nephew and friends. Today I have more for myself than I could ask for. I have my peace of mind and ability to make a better tomorrow. ...only by making a choice today I can live happier and calmer life.

There is always something good coming out of bad..the way I live my life now, looking at positives and moving on.

While I'm here lol.. (I'm not active on here as much anymore) just want to say that many many of you dear soldiers I had opportunity to meet on this great site, affected my recovery for the better, I will always remember you and will wish you all the best on your journeys..u are on here or moved away from here, you struck the chord in this little and a bit lost heart :-)) so just THANK YOU

Take care all,

Day at a time indeed

Let's do it

S x

Dear diary,

I read in one of other treads that it's better to write when you want it the least. I'm crying now and kicking myself to write..I want to get it all out...just out of my chest into this little box...for myself... I distance myself well off these great forum walls. Have I run out of words to say? Or I just keep repeating myself? I feel myself drained of honesty I feel anger towards myself and those feelings are surfacing up quite often...I shut myself down..I hide and I try to work it out. Of course the only way I do it is beating myself up. Am I giving up hope? I feel as I'm ready to give up. How can you be ready to give up?? Wot...am I pushing myself for that heavenless stress release on slots? Why I feel I want to run away again? Why I see myself as weak as I were before...desperate to mk things better but keep going round in circles.....no patience...empty.

I hate to feel like this. I loose ability to express myself. I don't want anything but change. I'm the one in control of it. I can change but I have no motivation or courage to do so....because beating yourself up is easier..because feeling pain and despair is all I deserve...because it's normal feelings for me. I lived with them, I grow up with them and I don't know any different approach in life. Suffer - run - hate - pain - survival. ...never ending ride..ohhhh...I'm so tired of it all..I can scream and shout, cry my eyes out, gamble,self inflict harm (alcohol, drugs).IT IS NOT GONNA CHANGE ANYTHING.

I read somewhere that people completely stopping gambling lose their identity. w*f I said it at first, what is your identity in a first place? How can you look cheerful and happy after few hours "holiday" in hell? How can you look people in the eyes and glow with pride and honesty knowing you are bag of c**P deep inside. If it's the mask I have to wear I best of get send to the place where no human being around. I hate gambling -....but I did love the effect it used to give me...temporary indeed...before going down to hell...never stopping fall with many hits on a way..and worst to it..you r still alive looking at the top which is impossible to reach, where u left to suffer...it is worst than existence...you can do nothing only feel it and see it for what it is. And parts of you slowly stops functioning...it's like acid on your skin..u feel it, see it but can't do anything to brush it away or ease the pain...

Do I want to go back there? Do I want to top it off wiv complete self destruction? Do I want to tell myself my life is out of control? Do I want to keep suffering..........or just let it go.

I want this horrible feeling to go..I can hack pain, it is normal feeling for me...but I don't want to put salt on my already open wounds to go through the process again....I want it slowly to heal..tiny bits by bits I want to close these chapters of my life and start to recover..... I want a lot eh??

No gambling today..I've made a choice

S x

Oh my dear, dear Sandra. It pains me to see you hurting. I just happened to pop in today and was dismayed to see your post. I’m not sure why we do this to ourselves (beating ourselves up) because we both know that it doesn’t help. Let me point a few things out to you:

- You are always here and ready to help others, and that includes both “newbies” or us “oldies”. I think sometimes you even do this to your own detriment! This means you are a “giver”. You have a huge heart.

- You have an excellent sense of humour, as can be seen through many of your posts (and I still sometimes laugh out loud when I remember how you told Rachel to tell you which roads she’d be on so you could stay off of them).

- You’re as beautiful outside as you are inside!

- Perhaps most importantly, you are a fighter who has managed to stay gamble free for quite some time now. This shows determination … an ability to follow through on your intentions.

- You inspire others, including me.

SO, my little Lithuanian lassie, you just have to start looking in the mirror and telling yourself how worthy you are. I have no doubt that you have a kazillion other wonderful qualities that only those in 3D life are privileged enough to get to see. Still, you’re right…. It’s good to get it out and I’m glad you’re posting and that I actually popped in today. (((((Sandra))))) Tomorrow is another day. Hope it’s better for you. I won't say "keep up the fight" because I know you will!

Hi Sandra

I hope writing that post made you feel better I'm hoping so has you didn't hold back , it really is inspirational to see how you feel and still find the strength to resist the gambling demon

I hope for you today it's a better one if not we are all here for you

Castle2

Hi Sandra,

That last post must have been tough to write, but you are right. It is better to let these things out than keep them in. When I'm looking back on how things have changed, it is the most honest and painful posts that motivate me. Let these feelings become your driver to get to that better place. Whatever is going on, you deserve to get to the positive space where these thoughts become less frequent...you're already on the road there.

Thoughts are with you Sandra, keep fighting.

Ryan

Thank you my friends. Sorry about that last post, but sometimes it has to get out...

Really appreciate all of your kind words and will b back to all of you in time. For now keep fighting dear soldiers, take it easy and enjoy freedom of this horrible habit...sun always comes out after the rain.

Day at a time

((((((All))))))

S x