Going to keep this thread now!

Volcano we can agree to disagree, but with respect please do not tell me what not to say on my own diary. As long as I am not breaking any of the forum rules, I am entitled to say whatever I choose.

You don't have to read it.

Have a great day.

Your bang on there Freda,

So good luck to you

V

Thanks V

Well been a busty old week! Been pushing forward with the 'doing things I find a bit scary'. The theory is, that I will realise it is never as bad as it is in my head, and the anxiety subsides as my confidence grows.

Is working out so far!

Might not sound much, but I've sanded down and painted my front door - in my head I was going to make a pigs ear of it. Possibly so badly that I needed to buy a while new door - meanwhile, in real life: it looks great, and the neighbours have been complimenting me on it. I got quotes for double-glazing, and asked the leaseholders for permission, as it is a conservation property, and even at the back you have to make sure it's OK - in my head, they were going to say no, and be annoyed at me for bothering them - meanwhile, i n real life: they said of course, that's fine! and here is a cheque for £1,000 towards it. I chose a local independent installer - in my head, they were going to be cowboys, who ripped us off and left the back of our flat hanging off - meanwhile in real life... you get the picture!

This has all been very scary and draining for me, facing my fears to disprove them. I'm so glad I have, though. I even went to a protest against the bedroom tax a few weeks ago - even though in my head, it was going to be way too anxiety provoking for me to cope with. I ended up really enjoying it! It was good to be able to be of use, and help stick up for people.

So I'm weary, but triumphant!

I'm looking forward to having a quieter week, next week. Feel a strange sense of elation, that the job that was a 'really big deal' is done now.

Love our new windows. No more windy bedroom! Victorian sashes are pretty, but man are they cold!

Have been talking about happy mediums in CBT. I am usually either all go, or inert. I find it hard to pace myself. Then I get all exhausted, and'doing' becomes this intense, overwhelming experience. We took in another bunny on a trial basis, so our boy could have some company. I'm knackered! It seems a very mild demonstration of what people say about having kids - one is hard at first, then you get used to it. Two are not twice as hard, as many presume, but probably about four times as hard. Lol. Hopefully things will settle down soon, and harmony will be restored. I've heard people say that three kids are about twelve times as hard as one, so no way is a third bunny on the cards!

Dreading going to a family party on Sunday. I am not emotionally safe around them. They have a pack mentality, and all of them in the same room are terrifying. They take turns to have digs at me, then deny it. Once they have worn me down, if I bite they pull me to pieces. She's always been the same... always causing a scene...she isn't right in the head...she just went for me, for no reason....blah blah blah.

I don't speak the same language as them. I'm too honest. That makes me so weak around manipulative, sly, dishonest people. I get given the nasty badge for behaving exactly the same as them, but because they are passive aggressive, they can just deny it. I don't care what they think any more - I just don't like being around them. I sometimes wonder why I even agreed to go, but I want to see my niece and my nephews.

I just hope I manage to keep my mouth buttoned. I hate playing into their hands, and giving them the satisfaction of getting under my skin.

Its that type of scenario that I hate as well Freda. Many people (arguably) are not there true selves when in a pack and if pack leader is a bully, teaser or narcissist then its bound to end in trouble.

I really wasn't myself at work today and the pack picked up on it and it felt like something straight out of the playground. Its hard not to bite when your feeling a bit vulnerable. I felt like I was being pecked at by a thousand hens. As Rach might say, avoid "head workers" as much as possible. Take care... S.A 🙂

Hi Freda,

Hope sunday goes as well as it can under those circumstances, but hey like you say "You dont care what they think anymore", I think once we get to that mindset we just see them for what they are, Unfullfilled, sad and nasty people, Let them fight and back bite and get on with it, Dont let them zap anymore of your energy.

take care , and well done on the the things you have tackled the past weeks, its funny isnt it we build it up and disaster plan everything and actually sometimes its totally different to what we imagined.

take care.

Blondie xx

Hey f ..

Just keep away from them as much as you can an focus on the kids..

It's a weird one because part of you wants to run a mile from them and the other part wants to almost sidle up and prove to yourself and them that you won't be beaten...

It's the classic double standard but all you are doing is changing the old order ..the old status quo..and that always brings turbulence..

It's not ok anymore ...and yes ..this stuff may go over other people's heads but we all have our weak areas. I'm great in a crisis and actual combat but this invisible s**t is cowardly.

I know you will be uncomfortable but it's actually a good sign that your esteem is rising and not putting up with it..

I guess you can play it 2 ways ...keep a distance or love bomb them and agree with everything they say with a saccharin smile on your face." Yeah I know I'm SUCH a klutz" ..you get the idea ....it's game playing and if you have a few bevvies it may backfire..so best look after you and if it all gets too much as my co worker says ..."make like sheep and get the flock outta there "

Take us all with you in your handbag and have turbo back up ..

R and D xx

Lol Ex D!

interesting that when I spoke about it with a friend yesterday, she said the exact same thing - focus on the kids.

I often do this around my family. They are rubbish at interacting with kids, they forget they are there half the time. Probably because head working doesn't really work on kids, so there is no fun to be had. Love my nephews and niece, they are lovely kids. They are almost 9 and 13 now though, so not sure how interested they will be in their rellys.

I am much less reactive than I used to be. I'm not having a drop of alcohol either. Hopefully it should go ok. Will probably just be uncomfortable - but so are smear tests, and no one ever died of one of those!

I'm often quite playful with their rudeness, and say things to poke fun at it. Like if one of them rolls their eyes at something I say - which they think nothing of doing IN FRONT OF ME - I will go all wide eyed and innocent looking, and say in a saccharin sweet voice, my brow furrowed in mock concern "do you want a tissue? you look like you have something in your eye" megawatt smile.

I imagine them all in romper suits as well, cos they are just a big bunch of baby bullies!

I take it as a massive compliment that I don't fit in. What a bunch of d icks! lol

Hey Freda

thank you for popping in...I know there are more people that understand what I'm going on about ..some never will but I know you and SA totally get it as you both use your diaries in a similar way to me ..to dump and work out feelings that you may have one time acted out on or stuffed down...

I'm pleased as punch that you are finding better control mechanisms ..I gauge mine by crockery smashed ..lol

I still think I'm too soft despite my pals assuring me I am the hardest work they have ever had the pleasure to meet !!

Maybe you can help me on this one ..because if I'm such hard work then why do peeps still try it on and still take the ***? ..you would think they would just leave me alone.

Anyhooo...keep up all your good work...wear the face to meet the face...

I can do the same as them in reaction but I'm not naturally that way...xxxxx

Thanks RR - have you recently changed your name? I don't recognise it. Doesn't take much to confuse me!

Yesterday went very well considering. The brother who I haven't spoken to for 4 years, came over to speak to me and my husband. This is as close to an apology as he gets really.

It was really very good of him to do that, and I am grateful for the effort he made - however, I just still don't really want to be very involved with any of them. They never show any warmth or praise toward me, and clearly look down on me as inferior. It's just implicit in their behaviour. Very hard to explain, without sounding paranoid, but they still think very little of me, I can tell.

Was lovely to see the kids - the younger 2 weren't really interested, but they were just busy playing with the other kids and causing mayhem!

I felt very depressed yesterday evening. I often feel profoundly affected by being around my family. It's like a feeling of alienation....they just look at me as if I'm a bit weird....it's like being in a room full of chinese people all getting along famously, but you don't speak any chinese, and when you try to talk to them in English, they just look at you blankly.

Glad its over, and even though my brother was being nice for the first time in a long time, I hope I don't have to see them for a good while. It just doesn't feel right.

Dear f

left a note on my diary to explain name change ,..suffice to say (god .. I sound like Alan partridge)...that it was all over my original log in address which in 18 months has changed,

On to more interesting things ..."you can chose your friends but not your relatives"....am also the black sheep so I get your Chinese / English analagy...

I also used to feel depressed after a visit with my lot , what's left of them,...combination of the tension build up and coathanger in the mouth and using all my willpower to keep a wall up...when it's over you feel knackered and low...

keep rested ...you did it ...you kept it together ..

dump it all on here Hun x

R and D xx

Hi Freda,

Interesting thoughts about your relationship with your family, I relate to parts of what you say. I don't see my family very often either and I think its for the best really even though they are for all intents and purposes lovely well rounded people.

Its just I have no idea what to say, its awkward. My gambling past is always the pink elephant in the room. In my sub-conscious I think I feel like ive failed as a human being so its no surprise really that many of my slips have been around family visits.

Anyway am glad to hear that your family visit came and went without major incident. Occasional cordial contact sounds like the order of the day. I guess you've signed up for your Chinese evening class.;-)... take care... S.A 🙂

Hey f ..

Fake it till you make it!

That's what I was told to do around dysfunctional families and limit my exposure ..

The black sheep are normally the most interesting anyway I find ;~)

Think you must have picked up my Scorpionic essence lol by your description which is there but not visible on the surface..I look as sweet as pie and butter wouldnt melt like Justin Beibers mum..

I do have the penetrating eyes though ..heh heh heh ..

Your right about being stuck in our pain...I could very easily make gambling and the loss of my baby the main focus of every post from now until the end of time and how bit by bit I'm managing to control myself in the day and not loose it...but fortunately like you I do have a wide repotoire of other thoughts and feelings that I share on my diary that are all related to my own recovery....

My post was about the purpose of the diaries and how they are used differently by us all...

I spoke to a woman the other day who said its all about learning coping strategies and healthy ones which I am guessing is what the CBT is about ...I'm good in some areas but not when I'm around my key triggers...like arrogance .....I still go into anger.

Just have to limit my exposure to the triggers and keep with the people who have the right intention....

R and D xxx

Hi Freda,

Just popping in2 say I hope u r ok and staying strong 🙂

I am thinking of u, and sending u a huge hug xxxx