Going to keep this thread now!

Thanks char , reach and sa x x

Just haven't wanted to post for ages. All is fairly well on the whole. Must have a good purge soon, and a good ole ramblt on me diary!

Hey Hun,

I havent had a chance to catch up on your dairy but i hope your well and life is treating you well and of course that wonderful hubby of yours is still looking after you.

Thanks for the post hun made me smile to see you posting.

Big hugs,fluffy blankets,tea and biscuits still available if needed 🙂

Stay Strong

L xx

Hiya f ..

Thanks for popping in..

You've not missed too much and glad to see you are also ok and dealing with what comes along..

Just to echo E really...slipping into the winter months its always good to know you can come back on here and update ..

The rawness has subsided now for me ...had to go through it of course to come out the other side cleaner..lol

R and D xx

Ps Tory Party conference at the end of this month..around 30 thousand expected out on the streets of Manchester at an NHS protest rally coincidently on the same day...

Thought you'd like to know that 😉 xx

Hey thanks gurlies 🙂

Would you know Rach, I was aware of said event! 😉

Am trying to balance wanting to go to these things, with not pushing too far out of my comfort zone. Realistically, I'm not ready for a whole day in Manchester by myself, unable to get home early, in massive crowds of angry protestors. I'm gutted, because I would so like to be one of those standing up to be counted. Rome was not built in a day, but I was one of the 500 gathered on Saturday for the North East people's assembly.

So I'm managing to go to some protests still, and help the cause if and when I can, which makes me very happy! I sign e-petitions, e-mail MPs etc. I am glad that I am well enough to contribute again, but man do I still struggle!

I have my first day back at work tomorrow, after 11 weeks off. I am feeling pretty low, and apprehensive. The confidence has waned a lot, and I'm out of the swing of having to "function". I know it's just a case of showing up, despite my depressed state. It will all go fine, and my confidence will return as if by magic. That is how depression works. You tell yourself you can't do something, and that makes you want to hide and avoid it. The only way to kick it into touch, is to go ahead and push through the fear, like walking through a mirage to prove it isn't real.

Oh, and I gambled last week. Yep. What can you say? There was no trigger, other than being outside the relevant establishment. I set out each day, intending not to gamble, and that day I went against my best intention. Lapses are not ideal, but they happen, and then I get back to moving forward again.

The depression seems to have more or less lifted, thankfully.

First day back yesterday was fine. It was in my new workplace though, so I have my first day back in my usual workplace today. I think I'm going to enjoy working in 2 separate libraries, I think if I'd been offered more hours at the usual place, I would have felt much more bored! I've a boring job, but boring is good, as it's not stressful. At least being at the other site one day a week, creates the illusion of variety!

Haven't gambled again - thankfully these days they seem to be one offs, and rare.

I'm appreciating the simple things today, after having no hot water for 2 days. Feel like the luckiest woman alive, to be able to have a hot shower and wash my hair!

Day off today, before another 4 days at work! Last Monday, felt pretty stressed and depressed, mostly due to doing NOTHING constructive, then feeling panicked that I wasn't organised for the week ahead.

Have pottered about this morning, sort little jobs out, so feel pretty good today.

First week at work went fine. No anxiety really. Was nice to notice myself feeling much more comfortable talking to people, and relaxed in general. Far cry from the scared and flighty new starter I was, scurrying about trying to avoid people.

Payday was on Friday, and have increased my wage packet by £165 a month (as I do a few extra hours, but was also on reduced pay, so I could get paid over the summer months) Makes such a difference! Mixed blessing in some ways, as I feel like I have "plenty" so feels less of a disaster if I gamble.

Having said that, money being so desperate used to make me more likely to gamble out of desperation, so either way the bad thoughts can arise.

Feeling pretty happy and "sorted" in general, but still wishing for a better social life/feeling lonely a lot. Hopefully this will sort itself out in time, and I'm better placed to confront my social anxiety, than I have been in years. My anxiety levels are very low, in general, so it's easier to do the harder things that get shelved when surviving is more urgent.

Hey f .

Thank you for popping in even though I know life and living is keeping you busty right now :-))))))

Joking aside ..keeping busy does keep us focussed and I absolutely hate not having a routine.,

The pub is still going strong and I spend my 5 hours or so pot washing by choice ..I love it as it means I'm off the frontline.

Just having an increase in wages can make you feel better i think..from a self esteem point of view I mean. I know you will be better this year socially and perhaps treat yourself to a few nights out..

I also have to watch additional funds for different reasons as I used to shop on depression,

Keep popping in and updating Hun...

Your " mates" will be down here soon at the party conference!!! ..I shall shout and holler a few welcomes for ya!

R and D xxx

Oh I wish I could be at the protest, I really do! lol

I really hope it is a mass turn out. I feel like it only makes them bolder, when the govt do something despicable, and only half a dozen people cause a fuss - it's like showing them how easily they can get away with things, if that makes sense? We might as well all write to downing street, and say "Do what you like, I really can't be bothered to do anything about it". The stench of apathy in the air only feeds their appetite for greed and power. To use the old sexual analogy: we are laying it out on a plate for them. Asking for it.

As for socialising more, I'm undecided, as I seem painfully adept at seeing the strings actually being pulled, and how the dance is done. It just seems like one big fight for energy. People only dialling your number so they can offload, or only striking up a conversation so they can talk about themselves. It isn't fulfilling.

However, perhaps it's just a case of going through the motions, detaching from your body while the other person moans, then taking your turn. Playing the same game as most others are playing. Just isn't "me" though. I enjoy genuinely connecting with people, but lose interest when it is all one-way. It's draining - and feels unfair, because they are getting the real deal from me. I'm listening and empathising etc. for real, then when it's my turn their eyes glaze over, I'm getting nothing back, and I just feel ripped off.

Spot on f ..that's the merry dance of no actual communication but a parasite / host set up.

Coathanger in the mouth and dead behind the eyes.....but but hey! Who notices eh?

Just remembered one of my Mothers favourite sayings " " Do not cast your pearls amongst swine"

Stick with the ones who "get it" Hun xx

Xxxx

Hi Freda...I'd love a bit of boring at work. Am just stressed much of the time, taking on the tasks that others either don't have the experience or confidence to do or are incompetent at. Its like this morning, on the run.. I was driving and then the client in the back shows some challenging behaviour, which the escort can't cope with, so before I know it, its me in the back restraining the client.

As for gambling, I use to gamble when I had money, when I didn't have money and all the shades of grey in between. But I guess on balance I was more likely to gamble when I was desperate or when I had a bunch of notes burning a whole in my pocket. Like you say, take note of the slip but don't dwell on it.

Glad to hear that work is going well for you. Thanks for your support, it means a lot. warm regards... S.A 🙂

Hello Freda

Just wanted to pop in and say hi realy, been a while since posting on you diary. Hope you are well often think about you and DT and those struggles we used to have and maybe still have.

Anyways no words of wisdom from me today, nothing new there, lol!

I wish you well, take care.

ands xx

My diary popping back up will be a bit of a blast from the past for many! Was a bit of a regular haunt of mine in here, a while back.

I have gambled since last we spoke, dear diary. Yesterday to be exact. I'm still several thousand pounds down, even if yesterday's individual balance was black. However, I'm thankful that the amount I've stayed in the red has remained more or less stable.

That money has gone now. I've let it go (you have to) otherwise I would be chasing it for the rest of my life. The punter never wins. Not overall. Not ever if the punter is a compulsive gambler like me.

So what brings me back to my diary after over a year? The gambling? Kind of. Kind of in the sense that gambling for me is a symptom of any kind of unhappiness whatsoever.

I'm sitting here at the computer and crying from really deep in my heart. Sometimes I cry from a pretty surface level thing like feeling sorry for myself because I've had a bad day, but some days I am in touch with the really deep seated stuff. The roots of all of my problems. I'm crying because I'm angry and I don't want to be.

I should probably point out at this point that I'm Buddhist, and this informs a lot of my outlook on life. If you disagree with this deeper stuff, it's all good. That's cool, but I probably won't get into a discussion or debate about it. Just because I'm sure of my own truth on that score, so I don't see much point wasting energy debating it. I'm not going to change my own mind about it, but I don't have any desire to try and change your mind about your beliefs either, if you are reading along and believe something different.

I think if everyone practised their beliefs this way, there would be a lot less conflict on this earth! but that's a whole other topic.

Anyway. for me, practising my faith can be quite painful at times. It involves turning inward and trying to uproot the cause of your unhappiness, such as anger. This is very uncomfortable to do! Man I wish I had no anger inside! It hurts being angry - wouldn't you say? It hurts acknowledging truths that are hard to swallow. It's much easier to distract oneself with the latest hollywood blockbuster, or anaesthetise oneself with some retail therapy. To gamble to forget, to comfort eat. To drink alcohol. To take medication; do drugs. These are all so much easier choices in the moment. In the moment, they take a way our pain, so we think they are the answer. They don't cure our pain at all. None of it. All any of these things do, is to press "pause". The problem or difficult emotion will still be there, once their effect wears off.

It's very funny having an outlook that is different to the cultural norm! It's funny to think that in the context of this culture, I probably sound like a mental patient!!! ha ha ha! A lot of people would read this and think "what the h*ll?!" It's OK though. I'm fine with that 🙂

I guess I am a mental patient in that I take anti-depressants. I know these aren't the answer either, but can't just stop taking them all of a sudden, unfortunately.

Anyway. It feels good to get these thoughts out. In terms of compulsive gambling recovery, it's a very effective medicine.

More later perhaps. Bye for now!

Hi Freda,

Never posted to you before but your last post really made much sense to me. Anger eh? One of the destroying emotions in humans nature. I seem to let anger out only occasionally. I don't think it's healthy, cause both of my relapses was a follow up from anger towards myself.

I'm glad you are back and ready for a fight. As easy as it might sound - we all need to let go of past and regrets. Harder to do but it's the only way forward. I hope you will keep posting and I for one will try and go through your diary from very beginning.

Welcome back and I wish you well going forward

Day at a time - works wonders

Take care

Sandra

Thanks Sandra 🙂

I'm feeling much better, but still have this real agitated tightness about me that comes and goes. I hate it.

I don't like acknowledging it, because I feel like a bad person for being angry. It's like when someone hits the roof, totally over-reacts and goes ape about something, I think "what an idiot".

I'm not that bad, don't get me wrong. I don't rant at the supermarket cashier because I've had to wait in a queue for ten minutes. I am quite quick to anger though. On a smaller scale.

This is the pain that arises from expecting things to be different to how they really are. I don't like how impatient I can be, how hard I find it to "suffer fools", how much injustice there is in life. I don't like how little control I have over these things. I try not to think about it, as it makes me anxious. But that's not the answer, is it? Even if it is traditionally British. Sweep it under the carpet. Keep calm and carry on. Stiff upper lip. Repress it. Pretend it's not happening.

I would like to be able to think of all of the above, and not get anxious or angry. To develop a gentle patience and acceptance. However, this takes continuous effort and persistence. I would much rather find it was quick and easy to adopt this outlook, but it's not. It will take a lot of effort. In this age of instant gratification, that is a hard truth to swallow.

I spoke to a Burmese doctor recently, who is a practicing Buddhist of many years. She spoke of how patient and non retaliatory she is now. She used to cry for hours when she was younger, but can now "let it out and move on" within a few minutes. How sad that this made her seem like superwoman to me! That it is a curiosity in our culture to have that level of patience and resilience. She had no special advantage over the rest of us - she just put the effort in.

My spiritual teacher told me an inspirational story about his teacher - a senior monk. He died of cancer in old age, but his mind was so strong, that he remained peaceful and calm without any morphine at all in his final days!!! How inspirational that is when you consider that many people are in so much pain in the final stages of terminal cancer, that they hallucinate! Even when filled with opiates!

I use this diary less and less to talk about gambling, the stronger I become, and more to talk about the bigger picture and how to develop further resilience.

On that note, I'm off to have a meditate.

Hi Freda,

And I'm one of your fans already! 🙂 Stopping gambling don't mean that all problems dissappears wth it. As you so rightly say, there is a whole lot bigger picture to look at and get analysed. As tough as it can be, we hav to dig to the roots of the issue.

Enjoy your meditation! !

And have a safe day

Sandra x