Going to keep this thread now!

Hi Freda... Welcome back!... great to read your thoughts. What you say makes a lot of sense. To gamble, to over eat, to drink, to take drugs (prescribed or other wise) and a whole host of things are simply ways to hit the "pause" button rather than live life full on, warts and all.

I like what you say about becoming more resilient. I have never been very resilient, always quick to take the opt out and avoid whatever pain or angst life throws my way. Thinking about it though perhaps I am becoming more resilient after all. Ive grown tired of hitting self-destruct, so I choose not to.

Anyway, I look forward to more thoughts whenever they may come. Take care.. S.A 🙂

Thanks Sandra and SA,

I've had a major relapse this week. Just hypnotically playing, depositing, playing, depositing. Sat right opposite hubby hile he watched the football.

He thinks I've been having a bad few days with anxiety. I have, but caused by my wasting shed loads of cash on gambling. I've brought it on myself.

I'm tired of pressing self-destruct too. Occasionally I still do though. I honestly think I'm addicted to being anxious and stressed. I hate feeling that way, but it's familiar. Whenever things have been going good for a while, I seem to start looking for ways to f**k it all up again.

I loathe myself tonight. I really do. For years now I've been woe is me. It's like I can't just get on with my life, I have to find a way to be miserable.

My diary reads as one long cliche that repeats itself over and over again. I say the same things after the same mistakes, I bore myself with this c rap.

I don't earn much, not even enough to get NI credits, but I have blown almost a months salary over the past few days.

Because I've mainly not gambled over the past year, thankfully I have savings, am not in debt, have been paying into a pension, and have overpayed on my mortgage by more than two full months. I've been employed in the same job for almost 15 months now, and for the first time in many years I can see myself holding this job down. I'm not hanging on by my fingernails, I can do my job without getting stressed or anxious.

So there are a lot of positives too.

The negatives are frustrations. So many frustrations! This I feel, has triggered my relapse.

I don't even know if what I'm typing makes sense. I have that feeling today of being a sleep walker, an imposter in my own life. Nothing seems real.

Anyway, enough rambling for now. I'm off to bed soon.

I feel too ashamed to tell my husband how much money I have gambled. He has always been very patient and understanding, but this is the most I've gambled in a long time. It's hundreds.

I know I'm not back at square one, but right now it feels that way.

Hi Freda...

"Whenever things have been going good for a while, I seem to start looking for ways to f**k it all up again.".... I understand this. I am much the same. Its born of low self-esteem.

I was thinking what else to say and then a vision came into my head of me on my problem gambling roundabout going round and round and you on your problem gambling roundabout going round and round. Every so often the bit of the roundabout that your on meets the bit of the roundabout that I am on.... we wave and say hello before moving on... cos the roundabout never seems to stop.

The only difference between my roundabout and your roundabout (at the moment) is that mine is moving slowly so that I don't get to the part where I actually gamble. The ultimate goal is to get off the roundabout altogether. It is not easy.

Ive know idea why ive written this really but I wanted to say hello and send positive vibes your way. Like you say, many things have improved in your life. Take care and keep posting, even if you do find yourself saying the same things that you may have said 3 years ago... regards... S.A 🙂

I love that analogy SA!!!!! it is 100% spot on. very eloquently put.

This mental image will make me smile when I think of it, and also help underline how ridiculous this epic roundabout roadtrip is.

Yeah, I've been at it again. A wonderful thing happened today - I picked my tablet up (the only device I am able to gamble on, at home) and the screen was smashed. No idea how it happened - when I put it down, it was fine. I pick it up a couple of hours later, and the screen is smashed in, even though it is still where I left it. Bizarre, but wonderful. It was only a cheapy 50 one which I bought to see if I would actually use it, before forking out on a more expensive model. It means I can no longer gamble at home.

I tried to download blocking sotware when I bought it, and genuinely spent hours trying to figure out why it wouldn't work. Asked hubby to try too, googled the problem to see if the answer was on some IT forum, really tried hard to get the software on there. Eventually I gave up, thinking "I'm doing great these days anyway. There's very little chance I will actually relapse".

Well, very expensive lesson learned! The next one I buy will have the software downloaded immediately, and if no joy, will be sent straight back.

Anyway, back in the saddle so to speak. Due to my frenzied gambling of late, no chance of replacing the tablet until at least next pay day, so out of harms way so to speak. I purposely have an arcane phone with a tiny screen, so have never gambled on that.

Have had a good day. Really good. Experienced some obscenely obnoxious behaviour from a couple of people, and managed to remain calm and patient. Am in the process of developing my patience, so this was an encouraging success. I'm Buddhist, and already have the loving kindness, humility and compassion nailed down but my weaknesses ego-wise are impatience, retaliation and anger. These are all lessening gradually as time goes on, but I have a long way to go.

As I stand today, life is good. I am content. I need not gamble.

Hi Fread,

Thanx for popping by. I do work nightshift so yep am a night owl lol. Anyway, good to see you back in a saddle and hope it all goes smoothly. I suppose it has been a relief to see that screen smashed at least for one reason - physicall block to stop that self destruction.

Developing patience sounds really good. I should learn that myself. I suppose all addicts lacks it. Anyway, feel like rambling here, hope all is good in your world and you slowly getting your peace back...once again - patience 🙂

Take care and stay safe

Sandra x

Thanks Sandra - I agree completely that certain personality traits are a common theme in CG's - impatience being one of them!

I'm not that much of a "day counter" but today is day 8 I think.

I've been up to 500-something days before, and back to day 1 again. It does get easier overall, after a wee while. You still get good days and bad, but I find the cravings and urges come less frequently, and are easier to bat away after a bit.

I've been socialising a bit more lately, and have done really well considering I'm naturally a bit of a loner. Not in the serial killer type way!!!! but I'm not someone who finds that stuff easy, and I need a lot of alone time.

Tentatively taking my first steps with a new skill - giving Reiki treatments. Have given a few to family and friends, and hoping to have a voluntary placement soon. Feels scary and bit out of my comfort zone, but manageable. Still rebuilding my confidence in general, and it has never really been high at any point, so am proud of myself for putting myself out there and trying.

Hey Freda,

Thanx for the post. You say day 8 - I say day 500 plus my friend. Recovery is something amazing and you started this journey far back, rewiring that brain is still in progress. Never perfect my friend, we can only learn and try again. No time for regrets, pain and misery.

Onwards and upwards.

Hope today was good to ya, and hope tomorrow will be even better ...why - because your worth it!!! 🙂

Catch up soon soldier

S x

Hi Freda... I can appreciate your comments about day counting or not. Am still a bit obsessed with it but I know deep down that its not great to be that way... but for now it continues to be a motivational thing.

Glad to read that overall your self-esteem and confidence in life is going in a positive direction. I say much the same about myself. Take care and keep posting... S.A 🙂

Thanks guys 🙂

I'm doing a lot better than I was even a year ago. Anxiety is now the exception rather than the rule, how lucky I am to be able to say that! For such a long time I was just existing, getting through the day, teeth gritted.

I've not made many new friends, but am being more sociable. I've met more new people in the last 6 months than I have in the previous 3 or 4 years. I'm meeting more positive people too. It was pants when I was only ever around depressives and psychotics. Nothing wrong with having some friends with mental illness, but when they are the only people you see cos your friends have stopped bothering, you're not working, and not up to socialising properly yourself, it's grim. A mental health support centre used to be my only social contact apart from my husband. No wonder it was hard to feel better!

Anyway, still on the wagon with the rest of ya's! about 2 weeks since my last binge. Had some pretty lucid gambling dreams, but no real-life action.

Have been comfort eating a bit, but have also been doing yoga and meditation, so there's good and bad.

Feel a bit flat, but nothing too horrid. Don't feel like I've got much to say, but no news is sometimes good news!

Hey Freda,

Good to see you marching on and well done on your continued progress.

You are so right about being surrounded by positive people. Positivity creates positivity and life shines with colourful and bright colours. May long it continue

Keep up the good work, stay safe and sound

And - keep posting!!!

Take care

Sx

Hi Freda... just wanted to thank you for that post on my diary the other day. You have a great gift in being able to get the reader to feel better about themselves, turning negatives into positives so to speak... and to look at ones life in a more holistic interconnected way. For me I kind of hint at the more difficult, painful or less salubrious sides of my life but usually its not difficult for the reader to read between the lines. This is the great thing about the written word. Over time you really do get to know people quite well better than many people ya may know in the real world.

Glad to read that you have your anxiety largely under control... thats progress, Onwards and forwards... warm regards.. S.A 🙂

Thanks guys 🙂

Went to a gig last night. Turned out our seats were in a pretty claustrophobic place!!! Right in the centre of a row of about 35 seats. My anxiety is much more under control these days, but boy that was still a challenge! The little paranoid, panicky guy in my head still likes to be able to make a swift exit if necessary, as opposed to having to ask and wait for 15 people to stand up so you can get out :-/

Oh well, I survived in one piece.

My mind has been sooo busy lately with setting up as a Reiki practitioner. Have set up facebook, twitter, website, premises in the past couple of weeks. Keep getting little bursts of feeling overwhelmed, but it's normal and natural, and will just keep an eye on it. Have managed to give a few more treatments to friends, so my confidence is growing. I've had "Reiki" from some people in the past, and felt nothing. Felt a bit ripped off, as most practitioners are not cheap. This has been my main concern in doing treatments for money - would never ever want anyone to feel ripped off, and think Reiki was just a scam. Have set my treatment fee really low to start with, as a special offer, so hopefully this will not happen.

Chilling out with him indoors, today. Looking forward to some down time 🙂

I think it's been a few weeks now since my last bet. My mother has an annoying habit of buying me a lotto ticket when she visits, she means well. She doesn't know I am a compulsive gambler. Luckily she only seems to do this maybe a couple of times a year. Have never felt particularly "triggered" by lotto, as you have to wait a couple of days for the draw. It's the instant type of fix that really gets my gambling demons raised to their full war height. However, am aware that it will have registered a tiny gambling buzz in my brain, so keeping watch over myself.

Had a good offload to mr f last night, about why I feel so stressed and agitated. I have a long history of anxiety, and a history of taking on too much at once, then feeling overwhelmed. Felt so much better for having an "offload". Like very significantly better, was surprised how much! On this occasion, I realised that I have not taken on too much at once, but that other things, that I have no control over, have all fallen within the same timeframe. Just one of those unfortunate times when everything seems to happen at once, despite your best efforts to spread things out and do one thing at a time. Anyway, after I'd talked it through, I managed to think of all the ways I could pare things down, best I can and put safe guards in place, like extra support on particularly stressful days.

Have recognised that I need a good session of proper cardio exercise to get the stress tension out, then to just chill. So I'm off to do that now 🙂

Hi Freda,

Thank you for your thoughts yesterday. Putting all blocks to stop the cycle is necessary and I know I need to take some actions to prevent slips happening again. This is one of the things I get mad with myself - I need blocks to keep me sane. At this day and age it is a bit tough, that would mean heading back living in a cave lol. Am not strong as I thought, I do need many crutches in different forms but if that's the way to go to stay safe I suppose I best start making few decisions.

Anyway rambling here, hey good to see you had a good offload to ur OH and hope it really helped. It is so true that the best therapy is talking. Let it all out cause as saying goes -"shared pain is pain halved, shared happiness is happiness doubled".

I am glad to see you moving on Freda. We both know how bumpy this road is but hey, sometimes I prefer it this way than sleek and "perfect" runway. If that makes sense 🙂

Keep doing what you doing it definitely works.

Stay safe

Sandra x

Thanks Sandra 🙂

Just a quickie, to say I am feeling very nervous about a job interview I have for a promotion at work, tomorrow morning. I'm very glad I can't gamble, as times like this are when I tend to go a bit mad and blow all my money.

I don't even want the promotion! lol. I'm not ready for it yet, but I know there will be more opportunities coming up in the future for the same post, so am interviewing for practice really. In fact, I'm a bit nervous in case I do get offered it. I would turn it down, but wouldn't want my boss to think I've been a time-waster. I think she'd understand.

Anxiety is still a problem too, sometimes, in situations like this. I don't want to have a meltdown in front of my managers. It's really scary being interviewed by people you already work for! I've always had a laid-back attitude to interviews in the sense of if I make a fool of myself, I never have to see the interviewers again - but not in this case!

I will be fine, I'm sure. Hubby will be around for moral support. Just acknowledging these feelings and getting them outside of my head. It's better than letting them run riot inside!