Going to keep this thread now!

Just felt like writing another post of positive things. Firstly, things I am grateful for:

1) a steady job with good sick pay and pension.

2) a job I can do without feeling stressed at all.

3) a supportive and loving husband

4) my physical health

5) improved mental health

6) a safe, peaceful, and pleasant roof over my head

7) living in a country which is not under attack - a one we all take for granted

8) my Buddhist faith, which has helped me cope in some very difficult circumstances

9) being able to give to charity

10) being on top of my mortgage, and therefore having increased my financial security (having an emergency pot to pee in)

11) having far more control over my CGing than I did a few years ago

12) having been able to give a loving home to 2 rescue animals, and seeing them happy and relaxed

13) having enough savings to not have to worry if the washing machine etc. packs up tomorrow, or an unexpected bill falls on the doormat

14) having the wisdom to move away from people addicted to drama, who drag other people into it and drain them

15) having the opportunity to offer a complementary therapy as a volunteer, giving the poor access to something that is usually not accessible

Next a list of progress I have made:

1) a massive reduction in my anxiety levels compared to 2 years ago

2) a massive reduction in the amount of medication I take in order to cope. I have reduced both valium and alcohol massively (which in this context I have used to self-medicate in the past)

3) gaining my practitioner level Reiki certificate and getting practice in giving treatments

4) being able to sit through a film in a cinema without anxiety making me have to leave

5) being able to go for a meal, without anxiety getting in the way

6) being able to chat more with people in general, due to reduced anxiety

7) being able to travel on public transport again

8) finding it easier to keep on top of my household stuff more due to a decrease in depression

9) being able to regularly spend the night alone without anxiety, when my husband is working away

10) being able to make new friends and socialise a bit more, even though this is still hard

11) being able to attend protests about things I believe in, although this is sometimes still hard

12) holding down a job for over a year

Sometimes it's good to list these things, and remind ourselves.

Hi Freda,

Love the lists and clearly see how many personal goals you have reached in the past two years. Feeling better with ourselves and moving away from self destruction is the main purpose going forward. I am sure in the next few years your lists will become longer and you will have so much more pride in yourself. Keep up the good work.

Thank you for your support. I am sorry i sound negative on my tread. I suppose it is one of my goals, to see more light and set myself free from the chains I've got myself into. For the start - being kind to me to help me make more positive decisions.

Changes are necessary to fulfil our lives, be proud, your wheels are turning and to the right direction 🙂

Have a lovely week

Sandra x

Thank you Sandra x

Well I got through the interview in one piece, and did very well apparently. I didn't get the job, but was told I scored very highly and was only just pipped to the post.

This is the ideal scenario, as I'm not quite ready yet for extra pressure at work. It shows me in a good light as far as the management are concerned, so all good for the future 🙂

Had such a stressful afternoon after we thought our neighbours front door key had gone missing. We have a spare for emergencies, which we keep under the doormat in our communal hallway. The flat downstairs has all the gas meters in there, so it was for safety reasons. Turns out the woman in the attic flat thought they had cut a key each for us, so had taken it ages ago. Phew! Felt responsible, even though it wasn't my fault. We don't have a great relationship with the people downstairs to start with, so was worried they would blame me and be angry.

Hi Freda,

I'm glad the interview went well, it's always nice 2 get good feedback!

I hope u r ok and staying strong!

U deserve nothing but happiness xx

Need a rant!

I have a friend with mental health problems, who is on A LOT of medication. When I first met her, you could have a reasonably animated conversation with her, and although she occasionally came out with inappropriate things it was rare enough to not make me feel too uncomfortable.

There are certain social norms that most people stick to, like not saying everything you think, out loud. Some people with mental health problems, and some with learning disabilities seem less aware of these social norms and so their behaviour can be a bit strange and unpredictable. It is hard to stay polite about it, if they are being really strange - even though you understand it is their illness.

I've been really struggling to be around this friend, as she seems to me to have deteriorated quite a lot. She is completely unaware of this though. She is a lovely person, with a good heart, but I feel really uncomfortable around her now. I don't enjoy her company anymore.

She pushes things that it is rude to push. For example, she works part-time as a massage therapist. She isn't really all that good. I try to be supportive and encouraging, and occasionally will book a massage with her to be a good friend. However, in conversation she kept saying "I don't think you like my massages as much as Emma (someone else I go to for massages)" I'm always polite, and say "oh well I get a lot of vouchers for her salon as gifts, and because I don't earn very much money I can't afford to regularly get massages unless I get gift vouchers for them. Your massages are nice too, but that's why I go to her more often". Because lets face it, you can't tell people the truth in those situations - they don't want to hear it. She said the same thing about 5 times though, and didn't seem able to "drop it". It made me feel really uncomfortable, so eventually I had to say "Oh you have mentioned that I few times now, don't you remember I explained already that it's not true that I don't like your massages? I don't really know what else to say about it" and she said sorry, I didn't realise I kept mentioning it. Next time we met, she mentioned it again. By this point, I'm feeling like I won't want to stay friends with her if she doesn't stop saying challenging things like this, because she clearly doesn't believe me, but nor would she like it if I said "actually you're right - your massages are c r ap!" I mean I often feel like people are just saying complimentary things to be polite - but I wouldn't keep saying "I don't think you mean that" It's just weird and confrontational, and puts the other person on the spot! So I felt forced to say to her "it makes me feel really uncomfortable that you keep bringing this up" and I felt a bit annoyed that she had forced me to be so blunt about it. She did finally drop it, but there are other weird things she says that also make me feel uncomfortable. If she didn't say weird things, I wouldn't feel uncomfortable.

She keeps staring at me without saying anything, sort of making inappropriate eye contact. I just don't feel comfortable around her anymore.

She keeps suggesting meeting up, and because I don't want to hurt her feelings I occasionally say "yes", go along, she says or does something really weird, I feel uncomfortable, then she says "are you alright? have I said the wrong thing?" even though I'm politely trying not to show that I feel uncomfortable. She just has no insight into her behaviour, it's really sad.

Today, immediately after I said "it's been lovely to see you" she said "have you enjoyed seeing me?" "Yes, I said, looking puzzled, I just said that" and did a nervous laugh. "are you sure?" she said. "Yes" I said starting to feel a bit uncomfortable. She then just stood staring at me again, saying nothing. This is weird behaviour! I can't help that I feel uncomfortable with weird behaviour! She again says "are you sure you're alright?" and I say "Yes, I just feel a bit uncomfortable because you keep asking me if I've enjoyed seeing you, even though I've already said yes, and it seems a bit strange, as you never used to." She got a bit angry at this and said "I'm not strange, I'm just calmer than I used to be, that's all" which doesn't even make sense, as being calmer has nothing to do with making inappropriate eye contact and asking the same question over and over again. I know she probably just needs more reassurance, and that's why she keeps saying the same things over and over, but the reassurance doesn't seem to work anyway. I don't know anyone else who says "have you enjoyed my company?" it's just a weird question, isn't it? I mean you wouldn't say to someone "do you like me? are you sure?"

I felt so anxious and had a panic attack on the way home. The sad thing is, if she didn't say weird things like that, I would like her, and wouldn't feel uncomfortable around her. She also asks me if I think she seems really "well" meaning mental health-wise, and to be honest, I don't! but how would she feel if I told the truth?

So now I feel guilty, but I can't help it if I feel uncomfortable around strange behaviour.

I'm trying to gradually distance myself from her, but the more I try to, the more clingy she gets and sends me loads of texts and messages on Facebook.

Arrgh! I know I probably sound like a horrible selfish person, but I feel uncomfortable and anxious around her and it triggers my anxiety and makes me feel ill.

So I feel really stressed and anxious from trying to be kind to someone!

Hi Freda

You have to draw a line now panic attacks are not to be taken lightly You are struggling with abstaining from your addiction which your friend does not understand

But maybe she is getting vibes of negativity from you

You have to put yourself first and not feel guilty at all you feel uncomfortable around her and she will sense that but at the end of the day it's your life you have to look after because if you can't look after your own life you cannot possibly look after anyone else's

Best wishes.

Suzanne x

Thanks Suzanne,

You are right. It's just a shame! I think it is unkind in a way to say yes to meeting up with someone, if you feel uncomfortable around them. As you say, it must feel confusing for her, because she is picking up on my discomfort.

She speaks so slowly as well, because she is on a lot of medication, and she takes a while to understand what you are saying, and sometimes you have to explain the obvious to her. I guess she is just doped up. I suppose I don't want to admit that I don't have the patience to be around someone so slow, as well. It's vanity on my part, because sometimes I just want to snap at her because she is so slow or scream "for effs sake! spit it out!!!!", but I don't like admitting that. I don't like saying "I can't" if that makes sense?

I don't know how people manage to work with learning disabilities, or people with dementia who either repeat the same thing over and over, or ramble on. I haven't got the patience - I find that sort of thing draining.

It's a case of saying "In spite of doing my best, I just can't" and feeling OK with that.

She is such a thoughtful, kind person - but it's OK to need to be around people I can cope with.

Thanks for posting. It does help for people to confirm what I know deep down. I wish I didn't need reassurance like that.

Feeling a lot better today. Mind you, I couldn't have gambled yesterday if I tried, my anxiety was that bad!

It makes me feel vulnerable and weak that something as small as that, can affect me for a whole day. However, I guess I've had a really stressful week, and was already going in a bit frazzled.

Luckily there is nothing I have to do today, apart from a couple of bits of laundry, so going to just have some exercise, get a shower, then rest and have a "duvet day".

I have to look on the positive side, I'm getting better and stronger all the time. It's inevitable that I will have bad days along the way, but the good days are massively outweighing them at the moment.

I think it's about 5 weeks since I last gambled. Going to look back and remind myself.

ha ha! what a good "guesstimate" it's 5 weeks today 🙂

Just calling by to say enjoy your day.

Always have related so much to what you say.

xxx

Hi Freda

Thanks for your thoughts do appreciate it

Pleased you are feeling much better today and

Positive but so you should you are 5 weeks gamble free

Our moods and feelings change like the weather guess we have to ride the negative ones knowing we will feel more positive tomorrow

Enjoy your day off and stay strong

Suzanne xx

Hi Freda

Well done on 5 weeks

I don,t gamble on anything Freda the only way to beat it is to stop all forms of gambling. I went 320 days gamble free. I got complacent thinking I can gamble on horses because I have not lost more than a 150 on horses were as roulette they no limit but I found if I lost on the horses that would lead me straight to roulette. This has been my cycle for many year I must change this

Thanks for the comments on my diary

Graeme x

Thanks for your kind words freda,well done on 5 weeks great job.1 day at a time we can beat this together. 😉

Scottyboy

Have been really poorly with anxiety the past week.

I've taken on too much, and it's made me ill. Hubby has only been home 3 nights in the last week too, so it has been hard managing my anxiety without support. He is home tonight, thank goodness!

I'm grateful that I have at least managed to sleep well - being anxious without sleep is really grim. Meditation has helped me, as has yoga. Hopefully I will feel better after a few days with no commitments. I am having some healing from an old friend on Monday, too. It always helps me massively.

I've no intentions of gambling, and really won't be able to, being so anxious and unable to get out and about much. This has been a horrible week. At times I've wondered if I'm having a full on breakdown again. I don't think I am, I just need rest, but I've been flying way too close to the sun lately.

Feeling a lot better than I was, but still a bit anxious.

Have been having heart palpitations which I find really hard to deal with.

Looking forward to some healing this afternoon. Today is 6 weeks since my last gamble.