Going to keep this thread now!

Thanks Sandra & Dragonfly x x

Things are getting a bit better. He is not as bad as he was, and it is not having as much of an effect on me as it was.

Think it's 9 weeks tomorrow since my last gambling episode. Was tempted to buy 3 scratchcards in Wilkos yesterday, but resisted the urge.

Hey girl,

Good to hear things are getting better in ur world. Really pleased for you both..as of scratchcards..Do not go there, esp if that's a trigger for a uncontrollable disaster. You are worth more than that, a lot more.

Stay safe and at peace

Take care

S x

It's all good here. Bought one lottery ticket last week, but no other gambling for about 12 weeks I think.

Good to hear all is good with you and hope with yours. Nice and steady, no need to keep hitting that curb on a way 🙂

Keep doing what you doing and stay safe

Sandra x

thanks Sandra 🙂

Bought a scratch card last night. I'm in a dangerous place mentally, and really have to keep guard. I recognise feelings that have preceeded binges in the past. Wanting to escape etc.

I am off to meditate and face myself and all feelings head on instead of running away.

Hi Freda

Please don't be scared a lot of the people have had set backs and lapses on here you can overcome .

I think their will be lapses and the end result you will give up eventually like many people .

Imagine a happy future due to not Gambling .

The clever TV adds and media have put many people in your position sadly and myself up to a few months ago i am in a good place.

Dave

Hi Freda,

Thanx for your post. Rang much true 🙂

I hope you navigated through today safely and meditation put your mind back to the place where it belongs..peace and harmony.

You sound like you have a lot of techniques to ride the storms and i am pleased it helps you.

Humans mind is powerful thing to have. Good if it is used for positive things but hell of a ride if it goes the other way round. Never underestimate the power of thoughts..but the bottom line is us acting on them or not.

I suppose we are in control and can change the mindset for the better.

Keep battling through girl

Day at a time

Sandra x

Ps. Some more on the next post, am genuinely knackered and near enough out of it lol..tiredness plus anger towards myself is not too good combination.

Just keep making the right choice...you are doing fab 🙂

thanks guys 🙂

I've got a new laptop. Being generally gamble-free and on top of my finances means this is no big deal. I paid slightly over the odds for it from the catalogue, so that I could pay for it in instalments. They say it's interest-free which technically it is - but they just charge you a bit more for things, so they make it back either way!

Anyway, as I have done in the past, whenever I get a new computer device of any sort I fill my boots for a day or so with gambling before putting the blocking software on. It's just so tempting. I really couldn't live without blocking software - I accept that I can't control myself online. Never have been able to.

So, after one afternoon of giving myself a free hall pass, I'm blocked again and can't gamble at home. I don't want any sympathy about having this lapse - I don't deserve it. I knew exactly what I was doing. I didn't even try to resist.

It is what it is.

I'm coping a lot better with R's depression, although I've been comfort eating, and generally a bit less positive myself. I always feel a bit glum at this time of year anyway.

All things considered, I'm coping really well. Still trying to improve my social life, but I find it very scary. I find that people in general are a lot harder to make conversation with than maybe even 10 years ago. It's like we've all forgotten how! We are so used to communicating electronically, instead.

Have had a bad day anxiety-wise. Had to go home early from work, but told them I was feeling sick.

Lately I have been feeling tearful when at work, and it is hard to talk to colleagues for any length of time. I just feel constantly awkward.

My husband is still depressed, although he has been making new friends and socialising when he is away. He just doesn't talk to me. He has shown me very little affection for months now. I know he can't help it, but it does feel hard. I just need love and encouragement.

Sometimes it helps to write a diary entry, but I can't think anything to write.

I want to feel better, it just never seems to last long. I'm so bloody emotional, I've barely functioned for the best part of a decade.

Hi Freda... sorry to read that everything feels a bit rubbish at the moment. I am also having many rubbish days interspersed with just a few positive days. Everyday is different. Maybe that's the thing to hold on to that difficult feelings do pass. Keep doing the things that bring you joy and help you to calm yourself. Thoughts are with you... take care... S.A

Hi Freda...

Even knowing you are in a not in the bestest places yourself recently, you took your time to post such a beautiful and heart warming post. Thank you so much for your support.

I really hope better and calmer days are on a way for you and in your household. Ride the s*it ones out, they are not worth your stress...enjoy the good ones, they are something we should appreciate and hold on to...ur surely worth it.

Be kind to yourself

Stay calm

Sandra x

Ugh, someone is trying to have a dig at me on Facebook, implying I'm a trouble-maker. The reason? I shared with him an article that highlights inaccuracies in the article he shared.

So how does one have an opinion without being a trouble-maker? Is having a P***s necessary? Are all women with opinions trouble-makers? Or is he bitter that I didn't let him f**k me, 15 years ago?

I know which one I would pick.

Today I stand in my own truth, unapologetic for having an opinion, or choosing who gets to enter my v****a!!!!

ha ha 🙂

Oh Freda

what a treat reading your last entry, still chuckling even now, hope it cheered you up as much as it did me.

xxx

Thanks SA and Dragonfly - sometimes humour is the only way, right?

I thought it might be therapeutic to say on my diary now, what I wish I felt empowered to say to people at work when I'm feeling anxious. Maybe some day I will manage to be more open in real life, but to get it out here is a start:

I have an anxiety disorder that makes it really hard to function on a daily basis.

Sometimes I skive a little like anyone else, I'm not perfect, and I will hold my hands up to this one if caught doing so. However, some days I can't achieve much because I'm really anxious. When you're talking to me on a day like this, my heart is fluttering all over the place. I'm trying not to shake. I can't see you, let alone concentrate on what you are saying, as my vision has gone blurry. I'm having adrenaline rushes which make me want to flinch and jump. I am fighting a massive urge to run away from you. Literally. I can't admit this to you at the time, because I've had traumatic experiences of people being unkind or taking advantage of me when in this state, and it makes me really scared. I get really angry if anyone is anything other than compassionate when I'm in this state, because I feel so vulnerable and unable to protect myself. I have little self-control when in this state, but hate lashing out at people. How I behave when in this state is not what I'm really like. It's not my true personality. It's because I'm really distressed. It's horrible to be in this state at work, where the consequences of losing control could at the least cost me the respect of my colleagues, and at worst cost me my job.

When in this state, I find it really distressing for people to focus their attention on me. I feel as though I am naked. Even compassion is scary to me in a way, as it generally makes me want to cry. I don't want to cry at work.

That's why some days you barely see me. I'm hiding. I'm hiding because I don't want you to notice that I am anxious. I just want to wait for it to pass. If I do, it goes away and I can get on with my work. However, if someone starts asking me what's wrong, what has made me feel like this etc. it will escalate and I will probably start to cry. When I cry, my face and eyes stay noticeably red for at least half an hour. Then, more and more people ask me if I'm OK, and I start to cry again. So it's better if I can just wait for it to pass.

I have good weeks and bad weeks, but if I had to average them all out I would say that I feel like this once a fortnight. Pretty regularly. Too regularly to always take these days off sick. So you see, I'm also trying to hold down my job. This constant pressure is there. I have lost jobs in the past due to my anxiety. This has made life even harder for me, trying to make ends meet, and having to rely on state benefits simply because I have a condition. A condition that I am trying my best to improve. But in the meantime, I have to eat and keep a roof over my head.

I wish I could tell you all of this, but I'm scared. Scared of making a really difficult situation even worse. Because I'm only just managing to cope as it is.

Well that has given me a good cry, as I hoped it would. I've been aware of a lot of pent up emotion that needed releasing. Sometimes it's hard for me to get it out.

Hi Freda,

Thanks for your support on my diary this evening, I know what you mean about being open in real life. Admitting that I care what others have to say about me, and not just being able to laugh everything off....I don't think I can do that. Bottle it up and let it all out where nobody else can see.

Your anxiety sounds horrible, I can't imagine what its like to struggle like that, but I hope that being able to release your emotions, even on here does help you to feel a little better. It did when I wrote down my thoughts earlier, and especially when I read your kind words.

The fact that you are managing to cope is still remarkable, and that fact that you have to do it to keep a home and food on the table doesn't reduce that achievement.

Thank you, both for sharing and for your support.

Ryan