Here We Go Again...

Day 76....would have 100% failed last night if I hadn't had my barriers in place. Wanted to put £100 on a 90 min Portugal - Wales draw and £100 on Wales to qualify and if I had managed it I would be sat here back on day 1 and £200 down! Self exclusion saved my backside last night as I tried to re-register and got told to go away haha!! Then got an email off a site that I hadn't self excluded from, logged in attempted to deposit £200 but it must have been some american site as the deposit was in USD....anyway my credit card declined it I am pleased to say otherwise it would have been game over. Needless to say I have now self excluded. Phew. Would be sat here totally gutted right now. It's funny how when you REALLY want to gamble you can justify 'it's only 200 quid' but then we all know that if i'd lost I'd probably have tried to win it back on something else and the whole cycle would have started again. Just proves I am nowhere near over this horrible disease....maybe I never will be!

The barriers clearly worked this time, which is good, and you're still gf which is good. But if you keep testing the SEs, sooner or later you'll find a loophole. Probably the sort where you can deposit at their pleasure but any "winnings" will be refused.

But a hard question: what has actually changed since you became gf? The barriers give you thinking time, but what are you thinking? What is it that the act of betting is giving you and why do you need to medicate in that way?

Repeat previous suggestions of total openness and transparency, counselling and meetings, parental controls from your ISP, handing over financial control. These will make real changes, by you, for you.

Stay safe.

CW

Day 82....so depressed at the minute. I should be so pleased with myself for getting this far, nearly at 100 days but if anything I am even more depressed than I was on day 1. At least then there was a bit of hope. Now all I see is an expanse of debt repayments lying ahead of me. Barriers still in place but not even got the energy to even be @rsed to attempt to gamble.

Hey shorty,

I'm nearly at 170 days and I've been feeling pretty similar to you are.....but the truth is that if we were still gambling we sure as hell would be feeling a lot worse than we do now.

I have 30k of debt lingering away in the back ground and it is going to take me some time to clear that but at least for once it's coming down rather than going up.

I haven't had time to read all your diary (I will do though), but have you tried talking to anyone about it....a counsellor or GA? I find getting it all off my chest to someone has really helped me get through the weeks. Some people say it's not for them but surely everything is worth a try.

Anyway I hope you keep racking those days up.

Good luck

Damo

Thanks Damo 🙂 i'm normally a really positive person even with all the sh! that I have put myself through in the past. And I'm the sort of person that doesn't really believe in depression (I know that it exists but I think it's very hard to understand what actual depression feels like unless you suffer from it). I'm pretty bored in my job at the minute, I think that is adding to the 'downness'. If I was going to work every day and feeling like I was making a difference in the world then I think I would feel a lot better about life. But until both my kids are in school in Jan I'm stuck here due to the flexibility that I need. Not long to wait I guess but feels like a lifetime when you feel like this every day! Do I think gambling would make me any happier? Absolutely not, and it certainly wouldn't help the financial situation! Feel like i'm just living from pay day to pay day at the minute. This month has been really hard with one of the kids birthdays and loads of other unexpected things to pay for. But only 2 weeks tomorrow until payday again and hopefully next month with be a lot less expensive! It is times like this though that I would normally seek an injection of excitement into my life - in the form of gambling. At least I'm showing that I am progressing as nothing is further from my mind at the minute. It is no longer the friend that I turn to in my hour of need which is a massive improvement of previous attempts at quitting.

Hey shorty,

As you say here are many similarities with you and I, as there probably is with many others on here.

Lets hope we can keep one thing in common for a long time....that is a gamble free life.

Damo

You've had an expensive month it happens but if you had been gambling it would have been more expensive. For the first time in 9 months I had money left at the end of the month my in diary debts have gone still debts to pay each month but more manageable.

You say used to be positive if you are anything like me you was just pretending to be all these problems where there before you just couldn't see them because you was in a gambling bubble.

It won't get fixed overnight you didn't cause this overnight it took months if not years. Keep going reach out for help if and when you need it.

KTF

Day 84....going to be much more positive today. I have realised that one of the reasons I have been feeling down is because I am focusing too much on what lies ahead instead of just getting through each day as it comes. I need to get back into that frame of mind and realise if I can do this day by day then the weeks, months, years will take care of themselves and as long as I am gamle free this debt is only going in one direction. Got a cracking weekend coming up, going to let my hair down and have a great time.

Hey shorty, hope you managed to let the hair down and enjoy your weekend.

Getting closer to that 100 day marker x

Day 88....yes, let my hair down on Friday night and wasn't as expensive as I thought it would be so all in all a great weekend. Went out for a big walk with the kids yesterday. Says it's meant to be roasting this week but it's cloudy where I am today! Countdown is on until payday now, got most of my bills paid and enough to cover the rest but the next two weekends will need to be quiet ones to avoid any extra spending. Sometimes having a crazy night out make you appreciate sitting in on a Saturday night curled up in your pj's with a brew!

Debts still getting my down....will they get me down for the next 4.5 years which is how long I have calculated it will take me to pay them off?! God I hope not!!!! I feel very lonely today. I feel like a bad person. I feel like I will never be truly happy. I feel like I could just run away................but I won't.

Hey Shorty....try to remember what you said last week with taking it one day at a time. I know from personal experience that thinking long term will only drive you insane. Like you my debts are going to take me years and years to clear but at least they will be coming down and not going the opposite way.

Day 89....hotter than Hawaii today apparently....bikini at the ready!

So last night I watched a documentary on Net Flix called Tony Robbins, I am not your Guru.....WOW.....please watch it if you can. He is an inspirational speaker and he is just amazing. I normally don't sign up for all that happy clappy b****x but I laughed, I cried and I truly started to question what is important to me and why I am on this earth. Definitely something to watch on a regular basis. Some of the thoughts that went through my head last night after watching it......'I am not my addiction. My addiction wants me to be an addict but I am so much more than all that bull S**t. I have feelings, emotions, love, family, friends.....I HAVE A LIFE!!!' The only thing that is stopping me fully enjoying my life is me! f**k the debts, people get in debts for a whole host of reasons. The debts unfortunately in my case are a side effect of pure stupidity but they are a side effect that can be gradually eroded over time. Going through all this S**t will prove how strong a person you are and how you can realise that you f****d up but go to the ends of the earth to make sure you don't f**k up again and be the best person, wife, mother, friend you can be. Be kind to people.....help people....everyone has their own battle that they are dealing with and just like a lot of us they hide it away like a dirty secret they are too ashamed to share. Remember that.

Day 90....3 full months gone now....3 full months of debt repayments made without completing messing up. There's obviously been everyday things that I've had to stick on the credit card here and there to get by but in comparison to the repayments I am making they are a drop in the ocean. Taking it day by day.....if I start to feel stressed I ask myself 'will i make it through this day with all my bills being paid and with a roof over my head?' and as long as I can answer 'yes' to that question I am ok for today. In 10 days time i will be one day 100, realised that my mum is coming for a visit that day....she does my head in but as it is going to be my secret celebration day she will be amazed at the good mood i'll be in haha!!!

Hi Shorty , just popped by to wish you well on 3 months of being gamble free, really great to see you in a good place now and I can't wait to welcome you to the century club ( they don't just let anyone in you know ) ? :)) , then maybe as it's yer sort of birthday I could say , GO , GO ? No not just yet eh ? .

Have a great day and keep enjoying the fruits of your labour !

Alan - it will give me great pleasure to tell you when it is actually my birthday haha!! You've got a few months to wait yet tho - sorry!

Day 95 - been a bit under the weather this weekend, actually attempted to sleep on the toilet on saturday night with my dressing gown on and my head propper against the wall with a towel but I felt like I was turning into half human half toilet seat so had to risk going back to bed! Bad times. The only good thing about being ill is that you don't think about anything else other than being ill!!!!!!!!!!!! It's true what they say, your health is THE most important thing!