Here We Go Again...

Day 127....payday tomorrow, need to keep my wits about me. Got an absolutely manic bank holiday weekend coming up but at least that should keep me occupied even though it will probably be an expensive one! At least it won't be money thrown away and it will be spent making great memories with friends and family 🙂

Day 132...crazy crazy weekend and an expensive one at that but luckily I am actually finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel with regards the debts. Got a balance transfer offer running out next week and actually have the funds to pay it off. Hopefully there will be another offer on this card at the end of October when the next one runs out and I can transfer it over. It's all about playing the game and keeping my head above water. If I was paying interest on my debts things would be very very different but luckily I have enough offers and available funds to keep moving it all around. No major urges depsite spending quite a bit on going out. Got to pay the rest of my holiday off in a few weeks too!!!!!!!!!!! Is it wrong to wish it was January when there are no nights out and nothing to pay for?!

Day 139....need to vow to keep posting. I can feel my resolve weaken. Luckily my barriers are still in place because I would be in a bad place now if they weren't. Had a drink at the weekend and was home alone and found myself craving to play online roulette. On a detox now until the 16th of Sept and then off on holiday so I'm pretty certain I will be able to get through the next couple of weeks ok.

I don't know why it is that when I get this far into recovery I feel like I 'deserve' a bet! I don't deserve anything except a really bad punishment for wasting so much money! In my head I'll be thinking 'I'm paying over a thousand pound a month off my debts and I've gone 4 months without a bet so a few hundred quid won't matter' WHAT??? Why do I still think like that at times! I guess we all want to do the things we enjoy....some people want to climb mountains, others want to jump out of planes....unfortunately I get my kicks by sticking £200 on the spin of a roulette wheel.

Really looking forward to a couple of quiet weeks now, lots of early nights and good food and rest and relaxation 🙂

Hi at work bored so i have read your diary ! You are a pretty happy person, and I wish I could transfer some of that to me. Congrats on your 139 days that's so good, I hope to be there one day. Just a quick question and please don't answer if it is a touchy issue, how do you get to be positive and O.K.when gambling has left you so financially strapped? - Paul

Day 141...no urges...no drinking....seems to be the key to keeping the demons away. Luckily the next time I drink I will be out of the country and when I get back I will be straight back on another detox!

Playing the 0% credit card game at the minute....got about 8k that is going to start paying interest at the end of october and I need to get this sorted asap. Fingers crossed that I can move at least 3k of it in the very near future if one of my existing cards will give me a balance transfer offer, then I will have to try and knock the rest of the balance down as fast as possible as there is no chance of getting accepted for a new credit card anytime soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi thanks for posting on my diary, firstly i have no debt, just a very small amount of savings which I will never to be able to add to even though i am working. I had a lot of savings to be used for my old age/ house repairs and maintenance, which i have gambled away literally hundrerds of thousands of pounds. I had four small pension plans, I have cashed two in and gambled them away. I had to get to rock bottom to stop, and because the reality that i cannot continue with gambling to fund my lifestyle (I am 59) I am very frightened for the future. I am a low earner and have never not met a bill, it's not in my nature, where will the funds for a second hand car or a new boiler come from. You are 34? you have time on your side to furnish your debt. I will come later with more details as i am at work now and need to work !

Day 142....got major major major knots in my stomach today. Really want to climb under the covers and go back to sleep. Barriers in place, will keep moving forward. Got lots to pay for this month can't afford to ***********.

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Hi, can fully relate to the issue of wanting to stay in bed, if I could get full pay for being sick, I would have stayed under tne covers for the last three weeks, only the secrecy of this illness made me get up and come to work. I had to start to clean the house last night as my partner is due down tomorrow at mine, this is what this addication does to you, it takes to a level of despair you would not think possible when you start with a little flutter. Just done my finances for the month of september, after pay day till 30th will have £125 left for food for a month, i can do that I hope.

Been gone for a couple of months now and had 2 binges. Lost £1600 during the first one, quit for a month then had another one at the weekend, actually managed to win £2.6k but then blew £2.3k of it the next day....I suppose I should be grateful I walked away and didn't blow the other £300 and more.

I almost feel immune to it all! I don't give a **** if I win (or I'm happy for all of 10 minutes and then go back to the daily grind of cleaning, washing, work and kids) and I don't give a **** if I lose - so what's the bloody point?! I genuinely don't know anymore. The only good thing that has come out of all this is that I've realised that money doesn't actually make you happy! Of course having money for bills and food etc etc is important and I would never ever gamble money that I needed to give my kids a roof over their head or a meal on the table - but realistically I wasn't one bit happier having that extra £2.5k in the bank for a day!

I can't say that tomorrow is day one because I am just not sure there is any point in pretending that I can quit for good. I've lost £1300 gambling since I started this diary 6 months ago (so averaging £200 a month) and I'm paying nearly £2k a month off my debts so I'm not going to get down about it, nor am I justifying losing that amount of money! The debts are heading in the right direction thankfully even with me being useless at quitting this disease. I know that after the last few days I won't even think about gambling for a couple of months but then I'll more than likely have another binge. Just a bit bored of myself now to be honest, completely numb to the highs and the lows and just hope that being bored of it all will make it stop. For now I will go back to restricting access to all funds except the spends needed for day to day bits and bobs.

Hoping for some optimism tomorrow to attempt to get on the wagon again xxx

Edited by GamCare forum admin

Shorty,

I found your post on the other thread last night hugely frustrating. You can't believe that a partner has left following a return to gambling? If this woman was your daughter and these were your grandchildren, is this what you would want for them in their family life? And it will be ok, she'll come round? Maybe if there's genuine long term recovery as opposed to limited gamble free time and if she is still willing. But the standard advice to this woman is precisely to prioritise herself and her children.

Gambling has financial and emotional consequences for those around the gamblers and f&f are under no duty to stay indefinitely for repeated and continued deceit and abuse.

Gambling has consequences, Shorty, even if you're managing to hide the financial ones from your husband so far. (Why do you think that you are losing your own money rather than family money and that only you should make this spending decision?). Gambling costs money, it costs relationships, health, employment.

Maybe it's time for a rethink.

CW

What I post on other people's diaries is MY OPINION and even in your eyes as a dregs of the earth gambler I am still entitled to MY OPINION! I would appreciate it if you didn't post on my diary again. ********** Do you think if I had my life over again I would do this all again - WOULD I HELL!!!!!!!!!! I am a good person besides this disease - I am sat at my desk in work at 7.26am so that I can finish early to pick my kids up from school, I pay my bills/mortgage etc etc, I take my kids to rainbows, on holiday, I read them a story and sing them a song before bed and I have ONE MAJOR issue in my life that I am TRYING to address in my own way.

Edited by GamCare forum admin

Hi Shorty

You realise that gambling brings you no substantive pleasure and acknowledge the flip side of how destructive it is.

Yet you then say you can't pretend you can quit for good..and will binge again in a few months.

I get you're having these thoughts. We all have negative thoughts, but you seem to be presenting these thoughts as facts. And (it seems) giving yourself permission to fail.

All addicts have thoughts like you've expressed. These thoughts are addiction in action. The product of a mind, bruised by addiction.

I appreciate honesty, it's better than making empty promises. But why can't you knock the whole thing on the head. Tons of people quit, why not you? What makes you different?

The fact you relapsed isn't a decent argument as everyone who's stopped long term has been through this.

Quitting can seem daunting and at times impossible. But with committed action, there is a psychological breakthrough you will make. And from then it becomes increasingly baffling how you were ever so caught up in it all.

IMO - the only way through this is to fully commit to abstention. You also need a committed plan of action. This should involve taking you outside of your natural comfort zone - GA, counselling, telling family and friends are all examples of this and will provide you with structure and strength.

You definitely can quit for good.

Best wishes

Louis

Louis - I completely agree with what you have written and yesterday I was just in a place of not really feeling anything. I have no intention of deliberately falling back into the same routine and I certainly do not want to do that but am I feeling in a really positive, 'i can quit this' mood? The truthful answer is no. Maybe that will change again tomorrow or the next day and I will start counting the days again and getting past 100 days like I've already done this year and hopefully onto 200/300/a year.....I'm not saying I'm not going to try to quit and I have put blocks in place already this morning. I'm just not in a great place at the moment to be posting every day about how positive I am and how determined I am because at the minute it's just not true. As this is meant to be a truthful diary I'm hoping that one day I will look back on this post and realise how far I have come but for now I shall plod along and hope that the fire in my belly that I had when I was 100 days free will return - i'm certain it will, it will just take a bit of time 🙂

Morning Shorty , sorry to see you back under these circumstances but at least you have come come back and admitted all , kinda hoped you were coming to tell me it was your birthday but far from it eh ? :)).

Anyway youv'e been around here long enough to know how it all works , so I'm not gonna stand here and preach about doing this and that , it can take a few relapses in order for something to register when you get to that point , that Eurika moment when it all kinda falls into place and you finally think enough's enough ! .

All I will really say is that gamblings been a big part of your life , for quite a while , it's supported you and given you the comfort youv'e needed when youv'e needed it , so don't be too suprised it won't let go of you without a fight , that being said don't fear letting go of it and changing your life ,saying "I'm giving up something I've enjoyed doing for good " is a very scary prospect and it's about finding the courage and strength to take that leap of faith and let it go , when your heads a little less messed up I'm sure you'll come to the right decision for you :)).

Look after yourself and keep this place close eh ?

Best wishes

Alan x

Thanks Alan, yes - I have been here long enough to know how it all works. All I can say to be positive at the minute is that the binges are less and less and luckily for me the last binge didn't add to the first binge and I walked away.