Here We Go Again...

Borderline depression today which isn't like me at all. Got a tonne of issues to sort out and am just not getting anywhere with any of them. During my last bout of binging I got locked out of my credit card account and despite going through serurity checks by mastercard secure, text, customer service team they are still not letting me into my account until I send off a certified copy of my passport! The ridiculous thing is that they must be able to see that the online gaming site i was using actually deposited £900 more than was taken out back onto my card! It is really really stressing me out. I didn't realise that they stated certified copy on the letter they sent and i just send a photocopy of my passport and now I'm waiting to see if the security team will accept it. All this stress is really getting me down today and the longer it goes on the worse it's going to get. No more than I deserve but all of this certainly isn't worth the £300 I ended up walking away with. Praying that this all gets sorted before the weekend so that I can at least relax slightly. Maybe once this is sorted I will be a bit more optimistic about life in general and officailly get back on the wagon!!!!! I've had not thoughts or urges thank goodness.

Deeeeeeeeep Breath's Shorty , and try and stay calm . Your heads still reeling from what's just happened and youv'e probably got anger and frustration coursing through your veins in abundance right now , so as easy ads it is for me to say being sat here " Que Sera , Sera " What will be will be ? .and unless youv'e gained mind control powers Mastercard won't act until their ready to :((.

The good times and optimism will return I;m sure , it just takes a little time occasionally :)).

Look after yourself xx

Mildly more positive than yesterday, one of my many problems has been resolved but still locked out of my credit card account and that is what is driving me crazy! Got a busy day today and out with the family tonight so no risk of me being a moron again today - another positive 🙂

Not sure how much longer this bad mood can continue. It's not like me at all, even after a massive loss I would be like an army major and re-group, set goals etc etc but I really could not give a flying fiddle about anything anymore. Not even sure it's just the gambling that's getting me down, everything just seems to P**s me off at the minute. Going to go for a run on my lunch today, have been pretty rubbish at doing any fitness for the past 2 months and hoping it will spring some life back into me.

Literally the most stressed I have ever been in my life. I actually have chest pains. Felt physically sick all last night, the saga of the locked credit card account still continues. Had a missed call from them last night but they didn't leave a message. Have a feeling they are going to asked for a certified copy of my drivers license, not even sure how I go about getting one of them! I am going to write myself a paragraph and start every single post with that parargraph so that I am reminded of this time and these awful feelings. The problem with recovery is that we gradually forget these awful times and it becomes easy to convince ourselves that it wasn't so bad....well it is, and I need to keep this at the forefront of my mind.

Ok, have decided that last night and this morning were my rock bottom. Never thought I would actually reach it but I have and I am actually pretty grateful because from here the only way is it. I need to get this credit card issue resolved and I swear I will be eternally grateful to them for causing me all this stress and worry because the next time I even think about placing a bet I will remember this god awful feeling.

My first target after resolving this issue will be paying off my credit card that has a balance transfer offer ending on the 10th December. I need £1540 and luckily it's one of those cards where you pay it off and they instantly offer you another 9 month 0% offer. I may need to wait until the 19th Dec to pay it all off but confident I can hit this target before xmas. Already thinking about what my next target will be after that but don't want to look too far ahead when I have things that need sorting in the here and now.

'Don't forget that feeling of physical illness and hopelessness. Do you remember taking your daughter for a new coat and shoes and wanting to lie on the floor of the shop and just cry....or die? Do you remember having a tight chest and worrying so much you could have actually been sick? How is that a way to live life? Remember these feelings and remember what you will lose if you do not continue down a path of recovery'

This is what I will write at the top of each post to remind me of this awful time.

Well it finally happened...I finally got backed into a corner and forced to admit everything. Worst day of my life by a million miles. I keep going from feeling the worst stress/anxiety I have ever known to feeling an enormous sense of relief that it's finally out there....and then moving to thoughts of how many painkillers and vodka it would take to do myself in, but obviously wouldn't do that because (a) it's the most selfish thing anyone could do and (b) I doubt my insurance policies pay out for suicide.

I don't know if he will ever forgive me. I'm not sure he believes me when I say I want to stop, why would he when he just thinks the past 8 years have been lies. I have no cards anymore, I have £20 a week to live off and it will take 5 years (hopefully less) to pay it all back. I don't think he believes that I thought the debt was £80k - it turns out it's £125k but I wrote £80k at the start of this diary so I genuinely thought it was, I never kept track of the total figure I just tried to get through bill payments month by month. I wanted him to know that I have been trying to quit and I'm not just stopping because I have been caught so I sent him to my diary. He said yesterday that he was glad I had sent him here but then came home from work and barely spoke to me. No more than I deserve.

I guess things can only get better with time and proof that I mean what I say and that I will pay it all back.

You may find that you husband/boyfriend finding out may work out for the best. Its nice having no secrets to hide because they really do eat away at your state of mind. Have a long discussion with him about what will be done to put measures in place to avoid a slip. To think you went for so long without gambling and dealing with all this on your own is a massive achievement. With his help who knows what you can achieve? You can do this and dont let the debt get your down. You need to be happy to make this work. Gamblers anonymous may be of some help to you? My group is a mixture of both men and woman all on the same wavelength helping each other out. Not sure how or why, but GA seems to work for a lot of people.

Best of luck

Thanks Brummyboy....without a shadow of a doubt I know that him knowing is the best thing to happen and I have always said that the only thing that would ever really make me stop the binges long term would be him finding out, I was just too scared/stupid/weak to tell him and and thought I was 'protecting' him. It's going to be a long hard struggle to get it all paid off but I know it can be done. I guess I've had 5 years of living the high life and having whatever I wanted and now I'm going to have 5 years of attempting to live within my means and worse. Intrigued to see how far I can go on my £20 a week....just spent £1.68 on my lunch today - it was bloody awful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Had to have some dry crackers that were in my desk at work to take the taste away....other cheap options will be tried tomorrow!

P.S Day 13

Hi well done on day 13, it's still early days for me but I found that I had to draw a line under the losses and start to like myself again and understand why I did it. It may help if you visit your GP, they also offer free counselling on the NHS. stay strong and positive x

Day 14....massive argument last night....he said he didn't know whether to murder me or hug me. I feel like I can't do anything right - I cry and he asks me why I'm crying, I try and get on with things and I'm not sorry enough for what I've done. I can't change what I've done I just have to try and fix it and hope that that's enough in the long term for him to forgive me.

Hi Shorty,

Thanks for taking the time to post on my thread yesterday. I had a read through your diary and so much of it I can relate to.

I am also in the position of having large debts that will take a long time to pay off, but like ITDamo said above, at least the debts will be coming down the way instead of waking up every morning in more debt than you were the day before. I only joined this site a couple of weeks ago but the main bit of advice that I see quite a lot is that actions speak louder than words and I guess by putting the right blocks in place and handing over your finances like you have done, then you are doing the right things.

Good luck and I really hope everything works out for you. You seem like you really want to save your marriage and keep your family together.

Day 15....much improved atmosphere in the house last night, even managed to crack a few jokes believe it or not! Spent two hours changing all passwords and email addresses on all credit and bank accounts, not going to lie I feel like I've lost an arm but it has to be a joint effort going forward and I can't be allowed access to anything - nor do I want it. He even gave me an extra £1.40 to top up my weekly £20 spends 🙂

Got an interesting day at work today, potential for a pay rise but I won't hold my breath as I know what complete tight @r**s they are....fingers crossed.xxx

"If my mind can conceive it, if my heart can believe it--then I can achieve it." Muhammad Ali

Day 16 - think I actually managed to get through yesterday without crying once - progress! Really missing stupid stuff like a star bucks coffee in the morning and something nice to eat at lunch but when one is on a budget one must sacrifice all luxuries! At least I am not missing gambling - yet.