Hope

Thanks folks for your support 🙂

63 days since my last gamble.. 9 weeks in fact... but all I need do is not gamble today. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Hi SA,

just a quick hello from me, I know how hard you work on your recovery and know yourself and your own journey so well.

Wishing you all the best on the run up to Christmas have agood one, you deserve it. I truly feel not many of us work so hard at this as you 🙂

take care

love

W xx

Hi S.A

That's the way to do it!!

One day at a time and we all really knew that a long time ago.

Well done in your new found gambling free time.

Don't post as often as I did but glad to see you are doing well!

DD

Thanks both for your support.

64 days since my last gamble.

Am still feeling the need to mark my gambling free time day by day.. just for now anyway.. I find it empowering. The thing is am not feeling good in myself just now.. I feel like a lost soul, adrift, lost at sea, aimless, directionless, depressed and anxious. Whoever said life was easy?

Today i shall not gamble. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Hi SA,

Hope that your mood improves as the day goes on, especially if you have a blue sky day like I have here. Still no jogging as it's too icy on the ground and it's not worth risking a fall.

Life is never easy for anyone, especially us lot. but us lot are all stronger after going through so much and we can all safely say that we are ready for anything that life offers us.

As long as we keep making the right choices whenever those horrible urges come back to haunt us.

And we WILL!

GT

Thanks Gt

Day 65 gambling free and gambling free it shall remain.

I will find my way forward won't I ??? Am not enjoying this total nothingness... never have. Feel like am just passing time... waiting for something to happen, but of course nothing happens. I wake up to silence and go to bed with silence. It upsets me that ive gone through huge tracts of my life being this way and feeling this way. What is wrong with me?

Sorry for this melancholly. I know that if nothing changes then nothing changes and only I can affect change in my life. But half the time I just feel so paralysed by fear. Am tired of feeling scared all the time.. so very tired. It makes me want to cry writing this stuff.. it goes to the core of my addiction.

Maybe today I will galvanise myself into action. My life maybe a blank canvass but I have it within me to create my future. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Hi SA,i can empathise with how you feel at the moment being unable to work myself (because of my bankruptcy),it is so very easy to slip into a rut and can be hard keep those negative thoughts at bay:),you are right though,your destiny is in your own hands,try to be positive:),you know what your hoping to achieve with your career change,it's still relatively early days since you packed your job in,don't lose sight of the reasons for doing that:).

Seano.

Hi SA

Many thanks again for your continuing support on my diary. From reading your diary I can see a lot of myself in your posts. We do seem to be in similar places at the moment, especially as my gambling urges have subsided a bit. Keep going mate, it will get better.

All the best

Thanks guys.

Into day 66 since my last gamble.. struggling in myself.. but am not gambling and have no intention of gambling. Thanks for listening.. S.A

66 days at odaat sure add up s.a 🙂 well done and keep up your dailly posts,it certainly helps my recovery logging in once twice even three or four times per day...we can do this mate 🙂

Thanks wp.. yes we can do this! Am done with addiction 🙂 Into day 67 since my last gamble.

Every time in my life ive fallen on tough times its been directly or indirectly due to my gambling. Am no different from a drug addict or an alcohol addict in that respect. Ive woken up with a real clarity about my gambling addiction today. I see the reality of how ive lived my life and how debilitating the consequnces of my gambling have been.

It took me the best part of 3 hours to get to Ga yesterday due to the ice and the roads being like a car park but i perservered and am glad i did. It was a good meeting. Of course I would always persevere to get to gambling no matter what the weather!

The thing is I really and trully don't want to go through my life anymore following a pattern characterised by "periods of stability" only then to slip back to "life on the edge". This is what happens and this is what will continue to happen if I dance with the gambling devil. Today I will not gamble.

Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA, great last post. You are making progress and I take my hat of to you for your daily posts and commitment to the ga meetings. Keep posting as we are listening. Russ

Thanks Russ...

I just need a rant.

... why do i feel so guilty for not going to stay with my sister and her kids this xmas?? I am just so selfish i spose. The thing is I can't be doing with all this "happy uncle lark" when i don't feel particularly happy at the moment. How selfish is that. I don't feel I can be myself with family visits even though my family are lovely people and I love them. I only saw them in November and it was nice but the thing is this xmas i just want to hang out with a mate or two, have a few drinks, eat a cr** turkey dinner and be done with all this xmas b*****ks and not have such a bloody guilt trip for doing just that.

And then i read on here about the joy people have in coming together at exmas and the joy on childrens faces bla bla and i think i shouldnt feel this way.. but how i feel is how i feel. I will do what i want to do. Ive spent most of my bloody life being a people pleaser.

Rant over.. S.A

Morning S.A

I don't think you are being selfish at all.

Sometimes we all just need a little bit of space, a bit of time to just chill out doing just what we want to do, without having to feel like we are letting others down.

As you said you saw them not too long ago so don't be too hard on yourself. I'm sure your sister understands.

Xmas is constantly rammed down our throats about "family time etc, etc" ...Well i reckon many many people feel just like you and just want a quiet Xmas, with a couple of mates, without the pressure that comes with the family all getting together..

You've had a rough couple of months, you deserve a break.... Have this one for yourself, be happy and enjoy..

Don't beat yourself up about it ..I'm sure many people feel just the same way..

Takecare m8

ps.. No family here, so a c*** turkey dinner and a few beers for me too...So just the usual same old thing lol..

Thanks Lb your thoughts help alot. Sometimes I can't quiet see the woods for the tree's. I think like you say.. its ok to be selfish sometimes. I do need a bit of time and space. You have helped me to give myself permission to do what feels right for me. My sister understands am sure. Looks like I will visit my family sometime in january now.

As for today.. well its 68 days since my last gamble and that in itself is an acheivement. Maybe am going through something of a shift in thinking this last few weeks. The gritty realism of life I am living day by day. Maybe as i get older I am getting a little more realistic and a little more accepting of where I am at in life. I don't expect to much anymore. I expect to wake up feeling anxious and a little depressed and mostly I do. But on those occasions when i don't.. well those days are to be cherished. I try to do something vaguely positive each day and in doing so thats a little positive something in a positve direction.

Today i helped a friend plan his route for his driving job. Today I got some information about a computer skills course. Today i went for a short run my first for a few days. Today I did not gamble. Onwards, upwards.. forwards... slowly does it.. day at a time.. S.A